born3d Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Hi there! I'm a female, early twenties, recently had an unexpected mutual separation with the guy I had been seeing for almost 3 months. After expressing to him my concerns about our lack of progression and commitment, he admitted to not being in love, suggesting that we see other people (while still together) as a compromise. I responded by saying we should take a break and that I wanted someone who was totally in. Without giving it much thought we agreed to be friends for a while. "Wait, but didn't you give an ultimatum?" you might be thinking. Yes, I have now realized that I communicated two CONTRADICTORY courses of action and am caught between them! One of them indicates a de facto breakup, while the other...not so much. However, we've texted only twice since it happened, a little over a week ago, so maybe he got the hint that friends won't actually work out. With the idea of pure "friends" off the table for now, if you can help untangle me I'd be so grateful. Not sure what to aim for now, either: 1) commitment or nothing 2) asking to be friends with benefits (in a subtle way) The case for 1: It'd be the most fulfilling and self-respecting, and I see so much potential for growth between us. The "break-up" talk actually opened up our channels of communication in an unforeseen way. Also, he would most likely refuse to be FWB to protect me from getting hurt. The case for 2: We are not in love, and when I see him my mind doesn't jump to "husband! husband!" not because that wouldn't be dope but because I'm trying to be a careful person. Also, I am young and open-minded and don't want my fear and inexperience limit me to traditional, monogamous relationships. What if I could pull of dating multiple people at the same time? I am most tempted to implement No Contact, but that would be treating this as a normal breakup (and I being the dumpee, right?), which doesn't feel accurate. Please correct me if I'm wrong. 1
LD1990 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Also, he would most likely refuse to be FWB to protect me from getting hurt. Isn't he basically the one that suggested a FWB situation in the first place? NC is likely the best course of action. It doesn't really matter whether or not this is a "normal breakup," if there even is such a thing, or who is the dumpee/dumper in this scenario. He clearly isn't that into you, so aiming for commitment would be silly. Friends with benefits can work if you don't get emotionally attached, but I wouldn't do it just so you can say you crossed it off the bucket list. If you want casual sex with this guy and you don't think you'll get attached, go for it, but you have to be honest with yourself about whether you can handle it. 2
Emilia Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 He isn't interested in you and only wants to keep you around until he finds someone else. Cut contact with him completely. 'Taking a break' is pointless, break up and move on. He couldn't be any more clear that he isn't interested. 3
Satu Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 The key factor here is, "Seeing other people." He suggested that because he wants it more than he wants you. Let him get on with it, but without you on the back burner. Then move on to something better. NC *No direct contact. *No sending or receiving of messages. *Block any means he might use to contact you. *No replies to anything that gets through your blocks. *No indirect contact through third parties. *De-friend or delete him from all social media. *No monitoring of him on social media. *No 'little birds' feeding you news. *Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying. Take care 1
PegNosePete Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 He has already got both feet out of the door! He bailed on your relationship already, you said that in your first sentence. Everything you wrote after that is simply you refusing to accept that it's over, and trying to "bargain" with him to come back, even though he clearly doesn't want to. Sorry but his words and his actions prove that he is not interested in a relationship. There's little point in you trying any more. It will just lead to more pain and heartache for you.
kidm Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 If at 3 months he wants to see other people, there is nothing left with this "relationship." It's over. Unless you want to have casual sex with him with no expectations, exit with your dignity and don't accept mediocrity.
Art_Critic Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 He most likely is already seeing someone else or never stopped when you started dating. . Just move on from this.. 3 months isn't a lot of time invested and this is too much drama for 3 months in.
elaine567 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Hi there! I'm a female, early twenties, recently had an unexpected mutual separation with the guy I had been seeing for almost 3 months. After expressing to him my concerns about our lack of progression and commitment, he admitted to not being in love, suggesting that we see other people (while still together) as a compromise. I responded by saying we should take a break and that I wanted someone who was totally in. Without giving it much thought we agreed to be friends for a while. YOU wanted commitment he said, "Sorry I'm not in love so I can't give you commitment". He then offered," why can't we be fwb and see other people." YOU disagreed and said "No, I want someone who is totally in. With that you agreed to be just friends ie break up. There is NO option of commitment further down the line, he has blocked that by suggesting you break up. He is willing to keep you on the back burner, whilst he is free to see other people, but is not offering you anything else. DO NOT enter into any "arrangements" thinking you can change his mind, that will only lead to heart ache and pain for you, when he starts getting serious with someone else. He has been honest with you, do not spoil it by writing a love story in your head around him, as that is not the reality here.
sooshi Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) I think it is best to implement no contact. You both want very different things, and it sounds like the relationship hasn't been getting anywhere for a while, which is a strong sign, especially in a short-term relationship like this one. It's not worth the effort to try to salvage this. I agree with elaine. Don't enter into an "arrangements" that you are whole-heartedly into, just for the sake of staying with him. You want someone who's totally in. He doesn't. It's best to leave this now and go no contact. Edited June 17, 2016 by sooshi
Author born3d Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 I don't know wtf we were playing at during those 3 months He was likely still in love with the long-lost ex but underestimated his ability to move on (with me) personally I doubt I am ready for a relationship with anyone period.
LastAcorn99 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 I can understand your confusion, but I agree that ending all contact would be a better option. I believe that if there is no mutual love and respect, the relationship has no positive future. Also, I feel monogamous relationships are very underrated! There is nothing like knowing your future spouse abstain himself to be the “one and only” for you. So, do we really want to go the casual sex route? You seem to be an intelligent woman, I think you will do the right thing.
Toodaloo Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 He isn't interested in you and only wants to keep you around until he finds someone else. Cut contact with him completely. 'Taking a break' is pointless, break up and move on. He couldn't be any more clear that he isn't interested. Oh please read this.... Print it and pin it on the wall. Take a break from dating. Concentrate on you and for goodness sake do not let yourself be tangled up in messes like this... Just say no and walk away. There are no benefits to FWB despite what the name suggests...
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