I didn't see it coming

[Apis]

So I have been with her for one year and almost 9 months. I met her while I was still in highscool, I was 18, she was 17. I am a bit of an introvert, I never had much friends, especially close ones, and she was my first serious relationship, my first love. And I was hers also.

 

We have the same interests, same hobbys, love to watch TV Shows together, read the same books.. I thought we were a perfect match, and I still think that. She always told me she would never leave me, that I am a perfect guy.

Last year I started studying Electrical Engineering and I probably had less time for her, but I was still giving her much of my attention, she would always encourage me to study harder, and we would go out regularly, or she would come to my house on weekends.

 

Everything was fine till about 10 days ago, I kept catching her look wander off, she looked kind of sad, and I would ask her what is wrong and she would say that it's her period and she is nervous about a test she has to take to enter University (Electrical Engineering also). Also about that time she started mentioning some guy she met, a friend of her friend from highschool but I didn't thought anything of it because I like to give her space and I like that she shares everything with me. I rarely get jealous and I trusted her.

 

And then 2 days ago it was like an atomic bomb. I came home from University, went on facebook and I had a notification that she removed our anniversary, and I asked her about it and she said that she needs to tell me something, she told me (over facebook) that she likes that guy she met, and that she has been trying to push it back but she can't, and that if she is even asking herself should she stay with me, then I am not the one for her. It was like a truck hit me, I didn't know what to say, what to do. She needed me to give her back something, so she said she wanted to meet tomorrow and talk. I was completely baffled, I said I don't want to talk, it was like suddenly I didn't know her anymore. And then I went of facebook, I was in shock, and after half an hour I went back on facebook, to see she put that she is in an relationship with him. I was destroyed, I couldn't believe. Like I actually thought it was some prank or something. It was so juvenile and not like her at all, especially with the relationship status. Tomorrow when she came for that thing, I just couldn't talk and I made myself just give her and walk away, but it was so hard, I wanted to sit beside her so much..

 

Later we talked on facebook because I couldn't stand it anymore, and I knew I would surely break in person and start crying. She said that she is really sorry to do this to me and that she is feeling horribly. She said she didn't cheat on me and she didn't want to, that's why she broke up. And she admitted she was wrong to put the relationship status right away, she didn't say why she did it tho, I know something like that seems silly, but it really hurt me, thirty minutes after she broke up with me out of nowhere. She said she doesn't deserve me, and that I should find someone better. I just couldn't believe she could just stop loving me like that.

 

We had no contact rest of the day and then she texted me in the middle of the night, saying again she is sorry she broke my heart and that she is sorry things didn't work out and that she still loves me and it hurts her that she is not the one for me. She doesn't want me to hate her, I am the most beautiful thing that happened to her and that is why she has to do right by me. We agreed not to talk to anymore, but I don't know how long that will last..

 

Since then, I throw up almost everything I eat, I can't sleep, I can't do anything, I keep crying, even tho I am trying so hard not to. It's like something is pressing on my chest, and I can't breathe, it hurts. I am having trouble accepting it, like, I don't understand how she could just give up on me like that, after our time together. I keep remembering some things, and I know I shouldn't talk to her, and that it's setting me back, but I want to so much, because I feel better while she is talking with me, the pain stops even for a few minutes. I sit at night, remembering more things to tell her, but I know I can't. I can't tell her that I love her.. I keep whishing she would go back to me, even though I would be a fool to accept her. I think she is just chasing butterflys in her stomach... It took her half an hour to break up with me and just like move on. She told me in her texts it hurts her too, but he makes it better, which is killing me even more. And I have exams and now I can't even study. I am getting a little better, not throwing up anymore even though I barely eat, and feel sick.

 

Thing is, from October I will be seeing her often in some classes and on my University, and I keep thinking if she will come back to me in time.. and is it possible to fix things after this. I have no one to talk to now, no one to go out with.. I'm afraid it can't be the same ever again, because if she comes back, maybe she will feel guilty and like she owes me something, and it just won't be the same, or we are not meant for each other, and I just have to get over it. But I don't know how, and how will I react seeing her almost every day from october... I keep wanting to talk to her. How can someone just throw everything away.. and I would still pick her, even now. And after talking to her, after she said that every week was starting to be the same with me, it was nice but same. I am starting to feel guilty, and think that it's my fault. I don't know what to do now. This is my first break up like this.

Edited June 17, 2016 by Apis

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry you're so hurt, OP.

 

You're seeing now why first loves are almost never our last loves. Relationships that begin at a young age very rarely last long, simply because the people involved have barely begun to experience life yet. A tough lesson here is that we can't take the promises of a teenager (ie saying she would never leave) very seriously. They simply lack the experience and maturity to make such grand claims.

 

I know that's not much consolation right now, but I say this nearly every one of us here have been through what you're experiencing now - that crushing feeling after our first serious relationship ends. The good thing is that most of us have fully recovered and gone on to find greater love too. I know it feels awful right now, especially given the way she went about it. You have every right to be sad and hurt about that. But I can virtually assure you she won't be the last person you ever love.

 

Now, you mentioned you have nobody to talk to or go out with. You need to change that, for your own well-being. I am naturally introverted too, but I have circle of close friends I regularly socialize with. It would be very beneficial for you to begin expanding in this way, to give your life more balance. Friends really do help in a time like this. Do you have any interest or social groups at your school? Are there activities you can get involved in? This will provide some healthy distraction so you don't feel her absence as much as you are now.

[Apis]

I am not interested insocialising right now, I just want to get better now so I can study, I have exams. My sister and her bf are giving me support though, they are someone I can talk to, and I feel better after it.

 

Thing is, I am afraid, how is it going to be in october once she starts going to my university. Right now, every time I see a black haired girl with a guy, I jump to think it's her, I feel sick for a moment. And if she is with him till then, then I will have to see them together sometimes. Maybe it won't be so hard then, but maybe it will set me back.

 

These feelings come in waves, like right now I feel almost okay, but then it hits me..

[sooshi]

I'm sorry you're hurting, Apis. This was your first serious relationship, and it is a profound loss for you.

 

I would encourage you to maintain no contact with her. You deserve to be treated a lot better than you were. It seems like she had emotionally checked out of the relationship before she broke up with you. Someone who loves you wouldn't have treated the way she did--getting into a relationship within half an hour of breaking up with you. She has really been thinking of herself, her feelings, her wants, her needs. She hasn't really been thinking about your feelings. She says she's sorry for breaking your heart, etc., but her actions don't especially show it.

 

Now is the time to surround yourself with people who do treat you well. Now is especially the time to treat yourself well. Focus on school, your hobbies... do whatever revitalizes you and your life.

 

This will take some time to heal, and waves of feelings is to be expected. Whatever you feel, it's okay that you feel it. Try to be gentle with yourself. You are worthy of love, especially your own.

 

Take care.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am not interested insocialising right now, I just want to get better now so I can study, I have exams. My sister and her bf are giving me support though, they are someone I can talk to, and I feel better after it.

 

Thing is, I am afraid, how is it going to be in october once she starts going to my university. Right now, every time I see a black haired girl with a guy, I jump to think it's her, I feel sick for a moment. And if she is with him till then, then I will have to see them together sometimes. Maybe it won't be so hard then, but maybe it will set me back.

 

These feelings come in waves, like right now I feel almost okay, but then it hits me..

 

Don't worry about what will happen in October. Focus on the present and take this one day at a time. Seriously - worry about the next 24 hours. The next two days. Don't stress about the Fall.

 

I suggested socializing as a means to help you heal. I realize you don't want to right now but having even small distractions helps with the loss.

 

Those emotional waves are normal. We've all been there too. Keep writing here. It helps to get it out.

[Apis]

Thank you for your insights and support. It really helps to write this somewhere.

 

I can't sleep during night so I sleep mostly during the day, and every time I wake up, especially if it was a deeper sleep, there is a few seconds, it's like nothing happened and then it comes flooding in. I keep my phone always on, hoping I would get a message from her, anything really. I probably wouldn't reply, but I keep wanting her to message me because I want to know that I am not so easy to leave.. And I miss her voice .

 

Since I met her, 24 hours haven't passed that we didn't hear from each other somehow.

[Apis]

I have been thinking now, and I don't want it to seem like I want to forget all about her. How do I tell her that I don't want to give up on her and am ready in the future to give our relationship a second chance, if she realises she made a mistake, and we could use this as a lesson and be better for it. But I want to be mature and confident about it, and I don't want to come off as pathetic and clingy. Just purely rational. I don't want to break the NC, I want her to do it, but I don't know how long it will take, I don't want to be too late.

I really think I had something special with her that is not worth just forgetting about so easy.

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't need to tell her those things. She knows. As the dumper, she's already processed that.

 

I know you want to throw her a lifeline and show her you don't want to give up, but the difficult truth is that she already has. This is why you don't need to worry about being too late. That ship has sailed.

 

It's not to say she will never get in touch or reconsider the break-up. But now isn't the time to think about a future together. You need your space to heal. Reconciliations are usually only possible after a significant time apart, which allows both people to grow and evolve and readdress whichever issues led to the break-up.

 

Keep up No Contact. It's hard, I know. But it is so important right now.

[Apis]

But I made it seem like I never want to hear from her again. And I didn't mean reconciliation like in a few weeks, I thought months. I will be away most of the summer anyway.

[Apis]

So I talked to her. This is the first conversation we had that was more rational than emotional. Thing is, I took her for granted. I really did. The other guy only used my mistakes to get her, I realise that now. I think I am genuinely feeling better, because I need to learn my lesson. Maybe the sadness will catch up to me again but it's okay. I was too passive in our relationship. Well, it's how they say, you don't know what you have until you lose it..

[spiderowl]

I am so sorry to hear what happened. She was pretty insensitive the way she did things. That should tell you something about this woman's real character. I am not surprised you are hurting.

 

I do understand the shock and physical pain. It's a natural reaction to what has happened. It will fade in a short while but it can be very intense and even scary to have such strong physical symptoms as well as emotional ones. It does get better. You might want to see your doctor if the physical symptoms don't subside fairly quickly. I think I had some beta blockers for a while when something similar happened to me.

 

I think you are right in saying that she seems like someone you don't know. Clearly there were things about her that you didn't know, that she was capable of blatant insensitivity. Actually, she just sounds inexperienced and incompetent. When she has been through something similar herself, she might understand.

 

'Withdrawal' symptoms from a relationship can be painful and can come and go. People here understand. They will suggest going 'no contact' to help you get over her. It does help a lot. I felt I had a lot of mental processing to do, mainly around 'why' and 'how can someone suddenly turn into a cold person', but in the end all that processing was a waste of time because there often is no explanation. They just weren't the person you thought they were and it's a terrific shock to find out. You will come through this and eventually realise you and she were not suited and that you had a lucky escape. With the pain comes freedom too. You might not be ready to enjoy that yet, but you will be.

 

Keep posting here x

[whatnot]

Well, it's how they say, you don't know what you have until you lose it..

 

You also don't know what you had until you find better. :-)

[Marc878]

You're young. It'll get better if you go completely dark, block her on everything.

 

It'll take time but you'll move on faster if you stay no contact.

[bummer]

I'm glad your talk with the ex resolved and clarified some issues and gave you some closure. Now go NC.

 

I was right there a few weeks ago. Barely sleeping by night with strange dreams and nightmares. Sinking feelings and physical numbness and tingling I was so sad. Trouble eating...

 

I have no idea how the dumper can just let go because I still hurt and wonder this too. Just know it wasnt overnight for her. Probably the last few months. Keep talking with your sister. Take this heartbreak with resolve to do the best you can on your finals. Then enjoy your summer away from your ex to find yourself and maybe a new girl.

 

By the time next fall comes, you and her will be totally different people. You'll be surprised it all bothered you so much and be surprised how rarely you'll see each other if you don't intend to.

[Apis]

She knew the guy for 2-3 weeks, but I don't know, maybe she was planning to leave me anyway. She kept telling me in her messages how great he is, and that she is feeling nice with him, that stung but now it makes no big difference.

 

Today I'm feeling much better than before, I started studying, doing some exercise. Last night I went out with a friend from highschool, we drank a couple of beers.

 

I still feel very sleepy. And I feel sad when I wake up, because I keep dreaming about her.. but I still want to sleep . But I can eat now, which is so great.

[Natalie92]

I'm in the same boat pretty much, apart from he didn't leave me to be with someone else. He said that it would take a long long time to get over me.

 

But I share the same feelings, I feel sick at the thought of him moving on and being with someone else. We've been speaking on and off, I stopped speaking to him as of Thursday...but he would still tell me that he loves me and misses me!

 

I can't accept the fact that re over either, I want him to come back to me and say he has made the biggest mistake and ask me to take him back , and I would because he was the love of my life. First boyfriend but I didn't want anyone els,e I didn't want to experience anyone else.

 

That being said we have to be strong, they are the ones that will feel guilty hopefully, they are the ones who lost the good ones. We need to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Speaking to people is the best thing, my sister has been amazing.

 

People keep saying, it will get easier, but honestly I think our first love will always be with us and always be in our hearts. That's the hard part.

 

Stay strong, you're not alone through this

[Apis]

I keep no contact but I still hope to get a message from her, saying that she misses me. But I don't think it will come, and I am not sure she misses me anymore.. And she won't ask me to take her back, at least not right now, she said that I was always too tired, didn't kiss her and hug her enough..and she is right, university is really hard, but that isn't an excuse.. I don't know anymore. It's hard to think about her being happy with him.

 

I just want to learn from my mistakes and be better next time someone comes along.

 

What hurts me the most is the way she ended things, so suddenly without any warning. She gave me half an hour to process the breakup before she declared to everyone she is with another guy. I would be a fool to take her back now. I think our relationship deserved a better end if nothing else.

[Natalie92]

Like I said to me ex, if we're meant to be our paths may cross in the future.

 

As hard as it is to comprehend that I may not ever see or speak to him again, I need to move on. As much as it hurts.

 

Maybe, just maybe our paths will cross again and right now I really hope they do. But until then we need to think on, need to look after ourselves and try not to think about them constantly, easier said than Done I know! Everything reminds me of him haha!

 

I have good and bad days, today is a good day, tomorrow maybe not so good because I just want to speak to him yet I know. Can't

[Apis]

Last time we were going out together, I was thinking about bying her a rose, but I didn't because I wouldn't have enough money to pay for our drinks and I don't like when she pays for stuff.. Now I can't stop thinking, maybe if I had bought her that rose, just maybe, that would have changed her mind

[bubbaganoosh]

So I talked to her. This is the first conversation we had that was more rational than emotional. Thing is, I took her for granted. I really did. The other guy only used my mistakes to get her, I realise that now. I think I am genuinely feeling better, because I need to learn my lesson. Maybe the sadness will catch up to me again but it's okay. I was too passive in our relationship. Well, it's how they say, you don't know what you have until you lose it..

 

Look. You didn't take her for granted. You have a responsibility if your going to college and that's to get a education for your future. That has to be your number one priority. Don't know if your going to college on a scholarship, parents paying for it or you. The point is your not there to just take up space and it isn't cheap so make that number one in your life.

 

I got a feeling that if she contacts you again and whines on your shoulder then to me she's using you as a life line in case things go south with this guy and if it does, what guarantee do you have that if she did this once, she wont do it again. She broke up with you and you had to find out through Facebook rather then her coming clean and doing it face to face then very shortly later announces that she's in a relationship with some other guy. That should tell you that her word isn't worth the salt of your tears so my friend, do yourself a favor.

 

Make something of yourself and let her go. In time she'll be a memory and if those feelings start to swell up in your mind, then remember how you found out about her breaking up with you. It should tell you something. Next time you see her, walk past like she doesn't exist and don't look back. No text, no phone calls. If you don't then she's going to play your head like a fiddle. Best of luck to you.

[Apis]

You are right. I just need the rational part of my brain to win over my emotional part. Thank you all for good advices! I'll post here if something happens.

[ExpatInItaly]

Last time we were going out together, I was thinking about bying her a rose, but I didn't because I wouldn't have enough money to pay for our drinks and I don't like when she pays for stuff.. Now I can't stop thinking, maybe if I had bought her that rose, just maybe, that would have changed her mind

 

It wouldn't have changed anything.

 

I don't say that to be harsh, because flowers are lovely gestures. However, if someone is already checked out, which she would have been by that point, they won't make a difference.

 

And as bubbaganoosh wisely pointed out, you alone did not cause the demise of the relationship. This was not all because of what you did or didn't do. Sometimes two people really just aren't meant to stay together.

[bummer]

...maybe she was planning to leave me anyway. She kept telling me in her messages how great he is, and that she is feeling nice with him, that stung but now it makes no big difference.

 

Definitely she was weasling her way out long ago. Sorry.

 

My ex says new guy is "pretty perfect" and a much better companion after a week together, just two weeks after we officially ended. Claimed it "just happened."

 

Sleep will come back just like the eating did and soon your dignity and self-worth will be normal too.

[lolablue17]

Listen, young man...

 

You didn't do anything wrong. Many girls (the young and the older) are selfish. she didn't hesitate to blame you for everything, just so she could justify her selfish actions, without considered as "the bad guy".

 

She can't stand being the bad guy, and can't stand that any guy in the world will hate her. But she still hurt you and did it with no compassion at all (breaking up through FB and changing her status immediately). So her way to get away with it, is to create an (false) image, which in you're the one to blame, add some crap like "you took her for granted".

 

If she wanted to break up, she could have considered your feelings in the equation, but she didn't. She didn't really love you, only loved the attention and company you gave her. It's hard to find true love, and sometimes you learn what's not, through pain. Try to leverage this pain to improve and to know better next time to distinguish between true love from other kinds of feelings.

 

YOu're very young. You will learn.

[Audacious]

Sorry for that man , it is gonna hurt .

 

If I may be completely blunt and honest with you , I think that breaking up with you on Facebook is downright disrespectful , just the way I see it .

 

her looks wandered off not because of her "period " but because she is thinking about a guy that she met 3 weeks ago , she sounds immature to me .

 

as for being intorverted , trust me , I am a fellow introvert myself and I can attest to the fact that you need to change and get a circle of friends , go ahead a meet people even if you don't like or want to , you have to put yourself out there .

 

as I said it is gonna hurt , but not like a shark bite , more like a red ant sting , hurts for a minute but doesn't ruin the picnic

 

good luck pal