trubadour Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 We are in our mid 40's. We were together 5 years and never ever had a fight or argument whatsoever. We were completely in love and comfortable. She moved in with me early in the 1st year with her son. After a year she wanted to go to nursing school so I told her to enroll. I payed all the bills the 2 years she was in school thinking it would be the right thing to do. She got her nursing license and got a job in her hometown 45 minutes away. That was a year ago. I liked it that she worked there because she was close to family and wouldn't feel isolated. She brought up her moms thoughts that we should eventually get married. I felt the same way and so did she. So last year I did this grand proposal on the beach and she said yes. That was last summer. Things seemed great except I had a very stressful job and hers became more and more stressful to the point we both complained about our jobs all the time. Then her ex took us to court for custody of the boy! At first it was over his grades then it quickly turned into the condition of my/our house I am remodeling. That was this past January. I KNEW this was going to screw things up. They didn't rule on the custody, instead they said they would postpone it until school was out to see what progress was made on his grades AND the house! I offered we rent someplace until the custody battle was over but she insisted it would be ok if we just keep working on the house. I told her it wouldn't be easy with the winter weather. So I said ok we'll keep working on it. Well not much got done because of the weather, getting home late in the day stressed form work, and not being motivated. Our sex life also suffered because of me and my stress over the job and fixing the house. I truly was attracted to her, I just didn't have the energy. I'm not blaming all this on stress either because I spent a lot of stupid time on the computer just looking at whatever. I can see now where I went wrong. Anyway everything was going on with the custody battle and then in mid April we were able to pick a wedding date. So we started planning and making all the arrangements. We shopped for everything except her dress together including my tux and all the flowers the whole 9 yards. We worked on all the invitations together and sent them out, her mom ran the wedding announcement in the local paper. We went to the courthouse and got the marriage license even! Now that I look back at it she seemed distant but I thought it was all because of the custody battle looming. The Saturday before she left she was posting pictures on facebook of the table decorations she was working on at her moms for the wedding. Then a week later she just up and left!! Two weeks before the wedding! I couldn't get her to answer any calls or hardly any text messages for almost two weeks. I pleaded and begged and told her it was ok she got cold feet and we didn't have to get married. No matter what she was going through I told her I was in it with her. I even told her we could move out of here and closer to her family if she wanted. She wasn't having none of it and not answering much of anything. The only real clue in a text message I could get out of her was "I thought I was ready" and "I take full blame for this". So I let her use my other car she had been driving since I bought my newer vehicle so she would have a vehicle, I didn't want to be THAT kind of guy . I told her to keep using the phone I bought her 2 years ago until she made up her mind. We had been talking for months before the breakup about her getting a new car. Eventually she said she had to get an apartment because her middle son was on drugs and stalking/threatening her. I know that was an excuse. But she still wouldn't speak to me much at all, only random texts. So she bought a car two weeks ago and came last week with a Uhaul and some help and her mom and dad to move out. She brought my car back and got a new phone on her own bill but kept the same number. I'm assuming to keep in contact with me. I let her take anything she wanted that was hers, I was nice and polite and even tried to joke around a little bit about casual topics while she was moving out. Her mom sat in the livingroom and talked to me while she was occupied. Her mom said she thinks she's making a mistake and that she acts like she's going through a mid life crisis. And she thinks the custody battle is what pushed her over the edge and she just got really scared at the last minute and freaked out. Her mom said the day before she took off that she was having really bad panic attacks. Her mom also said that it was really bothering her that I was being so civil about the breakup and not being an ass about it. I said what do you mean? She said well I think she feels bad because she was expecting you to get mad so it would be easier on her. Her mom asked me if I would take her back if she changed her mind. I told her that I couldn't throw 5 years away just like that and if the conditions were right yes I would. She said well just give her some space and time. She also asked me what my family thought. I told her the truth, I said at 1st they are wondering what the hell I did wrong, but they aren't mad at all. I told her exactly what both my parents said; "Just give her some space and maybe she will come back", but no they are not mad at her. Her mom also said "Well don't be surprised if I invite you to a family cookout this summer. So anyway, While they were moving out I had a good excuse to leave before they got done. When I came back home I was 100% sure that when I got home that she would leave the wedding ring on the dresser. She didn't. So I went no contact after she moved out last Thursday. She did say that day that her plates and title to her new/used car would be coming here. Yesterday she text me asking if it came, I said yes I'll leave the door unlocked it will be on the table. She hasn't came yet because they are working her long hours at her job. I'm interested in seeing if she leaves the ring this time. She also hasn't unfreinded me on facebook or taken down any of the pictures or posts regarding the wedding preparations!! she isn't posting much but I see her on there quite a bit. Back when it all went down she changed her relationship status to "complicated" so I hid mine. I still haven't removed any wedding related posts either and have been very very minimal with my posts. Her birthday is coming up next week and I'm thinking I should stay no contact even as bad as I want to wish her happy birthday. I have a fairly good understanding that things got too routine and she got scared with all the other custody and house crap going on. But I feel she still cares for me deeply and she's now afraid that my family is mad at her and afraid this can't be fixed. I've had some time to think about everything and I do want her back. I already did the begging and pleading in the beginning so she knows that I still love her and want to make it work. BUT, there's nothing else I can say because I've expressed how I felt. I damn sure don't want to pester her away for good!! So I'm staying no contact for awhile to see how things go. I have a feeling she keeps checking on me on facebook so I'm staying quiet there from now on. Only thing I've really posted since she initially left is one post suggesting progress on the house and a post of how I've now lost 22 lbs since the breakup. But I kept them short and upbeat as in "I feel great, progress". Her family has even commented positively on them. I also made a post of how my computer fried and I'm through with sitting on my butt behind the PC. Yes I typed all this on my phone!!! I'm trying to subtly display positive changes. I would like very much to attract her back by changing. And to be honest these changes are needed for me too! I just don't know how to go about slowly attracting her again without seeming too obvious because there have been some serious changes already. Like my job was bought out by another company and now all of a sudden my job is far less stressful. I've been dieting and exercising to get back in shape and lost 22 lbs in the 4 weeks this has been going on. And I really need to look into what took away my sex drive. I think the weight loss and happier me is going to fix that. But how do you show her the changes without being overly trying? How long should I stay no contact? Why hasn't she removed all the wedding posts off of social media? And last, I thought either the 1st thing or last thing a woman does to say she's through is return the wedding/engagement ring? She definitely doesn't need to sell it, she makes great money. It;s all perplexing but I want to make an honest effort to get back with her but as a new me and a new US. And yes I know there's a chance she won't ever take me back but I have to try. And try the RIGHT way! Any suggestions? I would also like to add that she is extremely introverted. She doesn't like any sort of conflict and never voices her dislikes or goes against anything to any real degree. She will sit quietly as if nothing is wrong. Which is a bad communication problem! It's so bad that she will not ask for an under cooked steak be sent back at the restaurant. I think she's afraid to initiate anything. I just need to try and get the ball rolling the right way at the right time.
bummer Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) The right way is the NC way. She's got to come back to you freely with an open conscience. Stalker druggy son (lies?), custody battle, paying for everything, poor communication... There is very little here to suggest you want HER back but rather the warm blanket of a relationship and the respect of being the provider. Focus on finishing your house renovations and move on from this lady. Edit: forgot the title. She left two weeks before a planned wedding?? That doesn't help sell this lady to us strangers on LS. Work on yourself. And maybe stop looking up stuff on the internet instead of sex? Edited June 17, 2016 by bummer
LostOnes05 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 First off, sorry this is happening to you. I have to agree with bummer, 2 weeks before the wedding is a huge flag with blinking lights all around it. How can you marry someone that will leave just like that? That would scare the crap out of me. I think you should put the title and plates in the mail to her parents. You should get your ring back as well. She shouldn't leave the relationship and expect to keep the ring and everything else you gave her. Honestly, go No Contact and start to move on. That way she'll understand you're serious...that if she wants out, then she is 100% out. And the thing about poor communicators is...well, getting them to communicate of course. She just thought it appropriate to leave and not say anything to you? Don't hold out for her return or re-attracting her. She'll probably just say something to the effect of "if it was meant to be, I wouldn't have felt the need to leave" (crap). In fact, I'd be proactive in cutting communication with her, her parents, and even on social media.
lolablue17 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Your ability to handle the situation is very impressive. You're amazing. I wouldn't be so generous and patient like you.
Author trubadour Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Your ability to handle the situation is very impressive. You're amazing. I wouldn't be so generous and patient like you. That was my way of showing understanding for what she may be going through that she hasn't communicated. Basically saying I'm with you no matter what. For better or for worse. I still think she is going to regret this soon. But I have to show some changes.
Author trubadour Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 The right way is the NC way. She's got to come back to you freely with an open conscience. Stalker druggy son (lies?), custody battle, paying for everything, poor communication... There is very little here to suggest you want HER back but rather the warm blanket of a relationship and the respect of being the provider. Focus on finishing your house renovations and move on from this lady. Edit: forgot the title. She left two weeks before a planned wedding?? That doesn't help sell this lady to us strangers on LS. Work on yourself. And maybe stop looking up stuff on the internet instead of sex? The druggy son is the truth. He's been that way for a long time and she always sided with me when I got in his case or the times I got him jobs. As far as me paying everything, that was only during the last two years of her school. Once she got to work she gave me more than enough money to cover all the monthly bills.
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