Ex's Petition to Modify

[winterpast]

I hope this is the appropriate place for this post.

I have previous posts in my history about my situation from the start.

 

My ex-husband has sent a petition to modify the parenting plan. Before the parenting plan was sent around his work schedule on a day to day basis. He quit his job to go work for his father a few months ago. I'm not sure when because he didn't want to tell me about it until we were pre-registering our son into kindergarten.

 

During this past year my ex has not been taking our son on all of his assigned days. Those days he is not taking him were days that his family was suppose to be watching our son for my ex. When my son was about to start pre-k, the ex's family threw a fit and did not want him to go to school. They didn't like the school he was zoned for and they decided that they should try to prevent him from attending all together. So, therefore, they refused to watch him any longer and so my ex didn't find any alternatives. My family and I had to change our schedules and find babysitters to take care of my son during those times.

 

Now that my ex is working for his father, he is able to get off at 3:30pm each day M-F. He has not offered to start taking our son during those two days that he wasn't taking him. When I asked about it, he stated that he was looking for other work and didn't want to change anything till he knew what his schedule will be.

 

Now, he has had his lawyer send me a petition for modification. He is stating that because I will be moving to the next county and because his job allows him more time, that he is entitled to the modification. He originally wanted every weekend but now is wanting every other week. One of the requests that he has made is that our son stay enrolled in the county schools that he went to prek in. But that county requires proof of residence and when I move I will be in another county. The father lives in a different county than the schools as well. He says that he can't take our son to school if he attends school where we live even though its a 5 mile difference drive for him.

 

I feel like this is a backwoods way of trying to prevent us from moving. Because he has been working at a new job for a couple months without wanting to change anything and now all of the sudden his is making these requests.

 

There is a lot of other details in the situation. Especially of him telling me last minute that he can't take our son on his days because of various reasons. I've had to change my availability schedule with my job several times to accommodate his changes in the past year.

 

I'm looking for any advice.

[CarrieT]

He originally wanted every weekend but now is wanting every other week.

This is not unreasonable.

 

Especially of him telling me last minute that he can't take our son on his days because of various reasons. I've had to change my availability schedule with my job several times to accommodate his changes in the past year.

If you don't want to change the arrangement, you need to document these to show the courts that he has not been responsible for those times when the visitation is his.

 

I feel like this is a backwoods way of trying to prevent us from moving.

It may very well be. Who can tell what is going on in his head.

 

I'm looking for any advice.

Honestly, I wouldn't look for advice here but with your lawyer.

[winterpast]

Thanks for the reply. I guess advice wouldn't be the right word, maybe just non-legal advice? I have an appointment to see my lawyer next week.

 

I'm not against changing the agreement but I feel like he wasn't able to keep his end of the deal before, especially after his parents would throw a fit over something and punish us by refusing to take him.

 

My biggest concern is that they are requesting the restrictions on which county he attends school when I have to provide notorized documentation stating we live in that county to begin with.

[amomwhoknows]

generallly speaking, the change in circumstances that a court looks for are related to the child and not the parent.

 

When you go back to court, make sure you are designated as the address for school, if you aren't already.

 

Any chance he is doing this to have child support lowered?

[winterpast]

It states in the petition that the reasons for change were becausemy son and I are moving and that the father has changed jobs and now has more available time. He first wanted just all weekends because he stated that he works a m-f job and that he just didn't have the ability to see his son during the week. I told him that I don't think that was fair because that will leave me with no free time with him outside of school.

 

Now he says he will do every other week but not if our child attends school elsewhere.

 

I am the primary residential parent. But the papers state that the father would be the primary. He says that his lawyer asked him if he wanted primary and he told him no, but his lawyer put it in there without his knowledge.

 

I think a change in child support may be one of the reasons, he stated that his lawyer thinks it will be lowered because he is making less. But I've been told before that they will look at last year's w2, which wouldn't help in that case because his job change happened this year.

 

I'm just confused to how he can ask for our son to attend schools in a county that neither of us will be residing in.

Edited June 17, 2016 by winterpast

[PegNosePete]

Now he says he will do every other week but not if our child attends school elsewhere.

If he says that in court he will be laughed at. You can't make that kind of "bargaining" in a court of law. As mentioned above it's what's best for the child that matters. Plenty of people travel a long way to see their kids. My own brother in law drives 12 hours in total every other weekend to collect and drop off his daughter.

 

his lawyer put it in there without his knowledge.

So he says. Don't believe what he says. Believe what is written.

 

I'm just confused to how he can ask for our son to attend schools in a county that neither of us will be residing in.

He can ask for the moon on a silver plate if he likes! Doesn't mean he'll get it.

[Angelica21]

Winterpast:

 

Your number one goal is: DO NOT let go of being the primary residential parent, and DO NOT let your husband become the primary residential parent. This is true no matter where you live and no matter where your husband lives. DO NOT let go of being the primary residential parent.

 

You and your attorney must start/continue preparing all the strong evidence of why you are a competent, dependable, loving, caring primary residential parent.

 

EVERYTHING about what environment you provide for your child, how much time you spend with him, how he is growing and thriving with you in a safe, caring, loving environment, how close your relationship is, how your child would be negatively impacted if he had to live at dad's house every other week.

 

Proving that you are the ideal primary residential parent has almost nothing to do with what school he attends, as he is so young that he's only in pre-k, not even kindergarten yet.

 

In addition, although I believe in keeping things friendly, start to put together all the negative reasons why your ex-husband would not be a good primary residential parent. I don't mean trash his reputation or character, but certainly point out anything that shows that would make him seem a less ideal primary than you.

 

A family law judge DOES NOT want to be bothered with trivial requests like "The father doesn't want to drive 5 extra miles to pick up the child, so he wants to become the primary residential parent". In fact, a judge can be quite tough and annoyed about stuff like that.

 

Wow, I have a lot more I could add, but I need t head to work, I'll check this thread again later.

[winterpast]

I don't plan on giving up primary. There's nothing that will convince me to do that. I believe that my son isn't old enough to stay with his father a week at a time yet without it causing him issues. He already has one over night with his father and everytime he goes it.is a meltdown for him. I try to encourage it but he absolutely freaks out. It's gotten to the point that when he wakes up every morning he asks if this is the day he has to go to his dad's. If it is then he cries but if it isn't then he calms down. He stressed about it so much and I don't know how to make him understand that he has to go. I can only imagine that a week straight would be very stressful for him.

[Angelica21]

Yes, good for you, keep that primary.

 

Also, I realized later: people put lots of stuff in a divorce petition, or in a JPA petition, that they have no intention of insisting on. They just do it to scare you. So, your ex might be correct that he told the lawyer that he doesn't want primary, but the lawyer put it in anyway: they do that to scare youm and make you more willing to give on on other points.

 

Also, I was also remembering that the petition to re-open doesn't necessarily mean that the case will be decided by a judge...you might settle out of court, just like one does with the original divorce decree and the original JPA.

 

If this petition had not come up, what was the timing of your plan to move to a new home in another county? I think you should move forward with that plan and complete the move as soon as possible.

[winterpast]

The timing for the move was going to be in the next few weeks. We had been doing renovationsome on the house and wasn't sure when they would be done but now we are able to move in.

[Angelica21]

Hi, again, Winterpast:

 

It's Saturday morning, I'm sipping my coffee, and I have plenty of time to write to you. I'm reaching out to help you because, in the past, so many people in my real life and on the Internet have reached out to help me, so I like to help others when I can.

 

Absolutely, make that move to the new house as soon as possible. The reason is: your son will then become established and comfortable in your new home as soon as possible. He will be officially registered at the new school, and will start attending there in August/September or whenever school starts up. Your ex-husband will start adjusting to the new location under the requirements of your current JPA. A new "normal" will be established according to all the requirements of the existing JPA.

 

Next advice: for any required legal deadlines of responding to the petition to request to re-open your existing JPA, you and your attorney should respond at the latest possible date. Even better, have your attorney file for extensions and delays whenever possible. What is your current date to respond? And, If I understand correctly, the first response is usually just "Yes, I received and acknowledge the request to re-open the petition", the first response is not a hearing nor discussion of the contents of the petition, is it?

 

Have you started to write down all the specific details of EVERY TIME your husband failed to pick up your son when he was supposed to and/or asked you to modify your work schedule to pick him up. Write a specific list with specific dates, you'll probably be able to recall several actual dates based on remembering what was going on that day. If your work keeps detailed records of your hours, that would be ideal.

 

Next advice: just like an original divorce decree and an original JPA, sometimes the parties involved never even appear before a judge to have a judge make the decision. Instead, the parties involved and their attorneys meet outside court and make an agreement. Ultimately, you and your attorney and your ex and your ex's attorney might be able to convince your ex to modify his request for having your son every other week.

 

Next advice: if things do get really bad and it appears there will be a contentious court battle, consider hiring an attorney to represent your son. You might even consider consulting an attorney now who has experience with representing the child, and get some ideas from him/her about what strategy works best to win your case and prevent the every-other-week from being approved.

 

Next advice: you already seem like a level-headed and non-hostile, non-contentious person, so that is actually good in one way. However, be tough and stay tough!! Start to develop this attitude in your own mind: My only goal is what's best for my son. It has nothing to do with hating my ex, being angry with my ex, revenge against my ex, nor winning against my ex. I will be civil, calm, business-like and non-hysterical, but inside my head and heart I'll also be stone-cold unwavering in accomplishing what's best for my son i.e. no every-other-week plan. Throughout the entire process, in addition to whatever other explanations and point are stated by me or my attorney, I will consistently and constantly state clearly that "I want what's best for my son. What's best for my son is the current arrangement as set up in the current JPA. An every-other-week plan is not best for my son".

[66Charger]

Ordinarily, I would not reply, but since it is Fathers day..

 

You are given advice on how to war with the Father. You are told that it is what is best for your son. This is not true. Who wants continuous warfare? Only those that think the Father is a paycheck and only the mother knows whats best. Look at the big picture instead.

 

What is best for your son is a good working relationship between his mother AND FATHER. I have had 50/50 custody with my daughter for 13 years. Luckily her mom did not war and even though times were hectic at the beginning, and we had adjustments, we worked it out.

 

Stop pointing fingers and look toward tomorrow. Figure something out and look into why there is a issue with your son visiting his father. Pick the right time to talk and respect his efforts as he should respect yours. Talk without accusations and work it out.

 

Anyone suggesting warfare, DOES NOT have your and HIS sons best interest at heart. You may have a lot of negative things to say about his father, but if he is in his sons life, do your best to foster that, because years down the line, the payoff will be 100% worth it.

Edited June 18, 2016 by 66Charger

[winterpast]

Ordinarily, I would not reply, but since it is Fathers day..

 

You are given advice on how to war with the Father. You are told that it is what is best for your son. This is not true. Who wants continuous warfare? Only those that think the Father is a paycheck and only the mother knows whats best. Look at the big picture instead.

 

What is best for your son is a good working relationship between his mother AND FATHER. I have had 50/50 custody with my daughter for 13 years. Luckily her mom did not war and even though times were hectic at the beginning, and we had adjustments, we worked it out.

 

Stop pointing fingers and look toward tomorrow. Figure something out and look into why there is a issue with your son visiting his father. Pick the right time to talk and respect his efforts as he should respect yours. Talk without accusations and work it out.

 

Anyone suggesting warfare, DOES NOT have your and HIS sons best interest at heart. You may have a lot of negative things to say about his father, but if he is in his sons life, do your best to foster that, because years down the line, the payoff will be 100% worth it.

 

I am thinking of what is best for my son. I am considering all of the scheduling options for us. But I have tried to stick with what is currently on paper for the past year when he has not. He has continously not taken his son on 2.5 days of his total time because it was not convenient for him. Even now when he claims to have a better work schedule, I have asked him if he planned on picking up those days again and he has told me no. Because of this I have had to work less in order to ensure that my son is taken care of.

 

The main reason that he and his family have stopped taking his son on those days is because his family became irate at the school he was zoned for in his prek year last year. They did not like the school but once the child is zoned then changed cannot be made. Because of this his family refused to take our son on those days and said that it wasn't worth their time.

 

He has not offered to take his son during these days but yet he is requesting more time with him because of a better work schedule and those days he is not taking him would be included in the new time he is requesting. So to me, this seems odd thathat he will not fulfill his current obligations but wants to change everything right before I am to move.

[winterpast]

Hi, again, Winterpast:

 

It's Saturday morning, I'm sipping my coffee, and I have plenty of time to write to you. I'm reaching out to help you because, in the past, so many people in my real life and on the Internet have reached out to help me, so I like to help others when I can.

 

Absolutely, make that move to the new house as soon as possible. The reason is: your son will then become established and comfortable in your new home as soon as possible. He will be officially registered at the new school, and will start attending there in August/September or whenever school starts up. Your ex-husband will start adjusting to the new location under the requirements of your current JPA. A new "normal" will be established according to all the requirements of the existing JPA.

 

Next advice: for any required legal deadlines of responding to the petition to request to re-open your existing JPA, you and your attorney should respond at the latest possible date. Even better, have your attorney file for extensions and delays whenever possible. What is your current date to respond? And, If I understand correctly, the first response is usually just "Yes, I received and acknowledge the request to re-open the petition", the first response is not a hearing nor discussion of the contents of the petition, is it?

 

Have you started to write down all the specific details of EVERY TIME your husband failed to pick up your son when he was supposed to and/or asked you to modify your work schedule to pick him up. Write a specific list with specific dates, you'll probably be able to recall several actual dates based on remembering what was going on that day. If your work keeps detailed records of your hours, that would be ideal.

 

Next advice: just like an original divorce decree and an original JPA, sometimes the parties involved never even appear before a judge to have a judge make the decision. Instead, the parties involved and their attorneys meet outside court and make an agreement. Ultimately, you and your attorney and your ex and your ex's attorney might be able to convince your ex to modify his request for having your son every other week.

 

Next advice: if things do get really bad and it appears there will be a contentious court battle, consider hiring an attorney to represent your son. You might even consider consulting an attorney now who has experience with representing the child, and get some ideas from him/her about what strategy works best to win your case and prevent the every-other-week from being approved.

 

Next advice: you already seem like a level-headed and non-hostile, non-contentious person, so that is actually good in one way. However, be tough and stay tough!! Start to develop this attitude in your own mind: My only goal is what's best for my son. It has nothing to do with hating my ex, being angry with my ex, revenge against my ex, nor winning against my ex. I will be civil, calm, business-like and non-hysterical, but inside my head and heart I'll also be stone-cold unwavering in accomplishing what's best for my son i.e. no every-other-week plan. Throughout the entire process, in addition to whatever other explanations and point are stated by me or my attorney, I will consistently and constantly state clearly that "I want what's best for my son. What's best for my son is the current arrangement as set up in the current JPA. An every-other-week plan is not best for my son".

 

As far as I understand the wording, they are asking for a response in 30 days and then we see a mediator if I do not agree to his terms. I had to sign for receiving the papers because he had them served

[Angelica21]

Hello, 66Charger:

 

I agree with you totally about the advantages of a good relationship between mom and dad for the benefit of the child, I'm glad you're doing that in your own family, and Happy Father's Day!

 

Nobody here has suggested war with Winterpast's ex-husband, but if your response was to any of the posts made by me specifically, I want to emphasize that I'm not suggesting warfare either, and I encourage Winterpast and anyone else readsing this to understand that I'm not encouraging warfare.

 

Please keep in mind that her ex-husband is not simply asking to have his son live with him for a full week every other week. He has additional conditions insisting that Winterpast and her son must remain living in their current county where they are now, but the ex-husband himself is not even living in that current county, he lives in a different county.

 

Do you see the difference? Both parents are not currently living in the same school district now, they live in two different counties now. Winterpast wants to move to a different home in a different county, and the new home is only five miles further away from where they live now, not hours away.

 

Her ex-husband is trying to control her life and tell her where she can or can't live, and is using her son's school situation to manipulate her. People above who suggested that a judge would either laugh or become angry at such a suggestion are probably correct.

[Angelica21]

Winterpast:

 

Therefore, near the end of the 30 day time requirement, have your attorney file the response that says "I do not agree to any of the terms of the petition to re-open, I want all of the details of our current JPA to remain as they are."

 

Then, move on to the mediation process after that, with the same initial point: I don't want to change any of the terms of our current JPA, I want it to stay exactly as is.

[66Charger]

Hello, 66Charger:

 

I agree with you totally about the advantages of a good relationship between mom and dad for the benefit of the child, I'm glad you're doing that in your own family, and Happy Father's Day!

 

Nobody here has suggested war with Winterpast's ex-husband, but if your response was to any of the posts made by me specifically, I want to emphasize that I'm not suggesting warfare either, and I encourage Winterpast and anyone else readsing this to understand that I'm not encouraging warfare.

 

Please keep in mind that her ex-husband is not simply asking to have his son live with him for a full week every other week. He has additional conditions insisting that Winterpast and her son must remain living in their current county where they are now, but the ex-husband himself is not even living in that current county, he lives in a different county.

 

Do you see the difference? Both parents are not currently living in the same school district now, they live in two different counties now. Winterpast wants to move to a different home in a different county, and the new home is only five miles further away from where they live now, not hours away.

 

Her ex-husband is trying to control her life and tell her where she can or can't live, and is using her son's school situation to manipulate her. People above who suggested that a judge would either laugh or become angry at such a suggestion are probably correct.

 

Thank you. She is now 17, so I have to grovel for time.

 

This is entirely possible, and If her ExH is trying to control or harbors some resentment, resolve that issue without bringing the child into play. I had issues with my X, that took a year to resolve. But once resolved, we rarely fought. Modifications and changes may need to be made, but for good reasons only. Moving or changing schools is a good reason to take a look at the current arrangements. That is not to say he gets his way, but it is reasonable to take another look.

 

Again, he may have not been the best Dad, but you really want him to become the best dad. That should be a shared goal.

 

I am 100% sure everyones opinion means well. My suggestion is that IF POSSIBLE, work out any personal differences first. If there is hurt or damage, understand it and give healing time. Finally, the XH parents are not your sons parents and bear no responsibility. Nor should they factor into your decision making process.

 

I dont understand the school thing either, but there is a big difference in some schools. Hopefully that's the issue and not personal stuff.

 

I sincerely hope you can work this out for the benefit of mother, father and child.

 

Peace (literally)

[winterpast]

I'm not against changing the schedule BUT I do have concerns with it because he has not kept to the previous schedule for one reason or another. Because of this, I have had to lose work, change my schedule etc. I can be in a lot of trouble from preventing him from taking him during his times but I don't get any consideration when he doesn't take him when he is suppose to?

 

The first parenting schedule was made entirely around his work schedule is ensure maximum time with his son. I didn't make any requirements. I completely worked around him so that he could have as much time possible. Since then he has stopped taking him 50% of his allotted time. He has don't this for almost a year.

 

His parents are considered part of the decision making because he makes it that way. The first time we made the plan he got some of his time because his.parents promised to help him. They got upset a couple months later because they didn't get their way on something and backed out. Instead of figuring out a solution himself, he just decided he wasn't going to take his son on those days completely.

 

Now he is saying he wants every other week because his parents are promising to help him again. 50% of that time will be spent with them. Because of past actions I am concerned that I will again have to find alternatives for my son's care if they decide to back out again. Because he is involving them, I have to take it into consideration.

 

I've not kept him from his son. I have not said he couldn't have more time with him but I feel like that I should have the right to consider how much I've had to sacrifice in my life changes to accommodate him. Especially now that he is asking for his son to go to school in a county that neither parent will live in.

[Angelica21]

Winterpast:

 

Thank you for the additional explanations so that all of us understand your situation better, and we can offer advice and opinions with more knowledge.

 

Again, because of past un-dependability from your ex-husband and his parents, you will be wise to attempt to keep the JPA as it is currently written.

 

Another very positive thing to keep in mind: if the JPA stays as written, you still have the option to cooperate with your husband and his parents to arrange more visiting time with them even if it's not mandated by the JPA.

 

For example, I think it's pretty clear that you should try to not modify the JPA to make it mandatory that your son stays with your ex-husband and grandparents for a full week every other week. But, even if the JPA doesn't mandate that, you and your husband can still make plans for your son to stay at his dad's house for a week's "vacation" from time to time, like one week during each two-month period or three month period.

 

Or, even if the JPA doesn't mandate it, you and your ex-husband can cooperate to make some of the weekend visitations at dad's house turn into long weekends, like Thursday through Monday, or whatever.

 

The important thing, given the ex-husband's past actions, is to keep the mandated written JPA with the bulk of your son's mandated time spent with you. Then, week to week and month to month you can make arrangements informally for more time to spend with dad and grandparents.

 

In fact, a genuine promise to make such arrangements without a JPA modification might inspire your ex-husband to withdraw his request for more mandated time, and work with you informally to get more time with his son.

[winterpast]

Winterpast:

 

Thank you for the additional explanations so that all of us understand your situation better, and we can offer advice and opinions with more knowledge.

 

Again, because of past un-dependability from your ex-husband and his parents, you will be wise to attempt to keep the JPA as it is currently written.

 

Another very positive thing to keep in mind: if the JPA stays as written, you still have the option to cooperate with your husband and his parents to arrange more visiting time with them even if it's not mandated by the JPA.

 

For example, I think it's pretty clear that you should try to not modify the JPA to make it mandatory that your son stays with your ex-husband and grandparents for a full week every other week. But, even if the JPA doesn't mandate that, you and your husband can still make plans for your son to stay at his dad's house for a week's "vacation" from time to time, like one week during each two-month period or three month period.

 

Or, even if the JPA doesn't mandate it, you and your ex-husband can cooperate to make some of the weekend visitations at dad's house turn into long weekends, like Thursday through Monday, or whatever.

 

The important thing, given the ex-husband's past actions, is to keep the mandated written JPA with the bulk of your son's mandated time spent with you. Then, week to week and month to month you can make arrangements informally for more time to spend with dad and grandparents.

 

In fact, a genuine promise to make such arrangements without a JPA modification might inspire your ex-husband to withdraw his request for more mandated time, and work with you informally to get more time with his son.

 

I'm trying to make sure to include all details as I can but of course it's not always easy to. He originally only wanted all weekends and said that he may allow me a weekend here and there if I wanted to do something with my son but I felt that every weekend was not fair and would.like to have things in writing instead of outside promises. Every since he originally told me that he had gone to his lawyer and what was coming, I have asked him a few times if he would like to.take our son on a weekend. He has declined every time, stating that he wanted to just keep things as they are.

 

So, of course I'm not sure of what he is thinking or really wanting. I've tried to discuss the options and he just responds with "I don't know, I'll see what my parents think " And he's told me that he just wants to work it out with a mediator instead of talking.

[Angelica21]

Winterpast:

 

Got it, understood.

 

You were totally correct to insist in writing that your ex would not have your son every weekend. You are totally correct to have anything in writing that is to your benefit and your son's benefit.

 

I'm saying don't put in writing something that gives your ex-husband a mandated benefit, such as guaranteed every-other-week living.

 

His parents are puppet-mastering this "re-open the JPA petition", it's not originating from him. If Grandma and Grandpa would like to see your son more often, then just give them a friendly call on the telephone and offer to arrange some play-dates with them.

 

The reason your're not sure what your ex is thinking or wanting is because it's not even clear in his mind.

 

And your ex will be surprised to learn that meeting with a mediator usually means that the ex-wife and ex-husband talk to each other. A mediator is going to prefer face-to-face meetings with everyone in the same room. The mediator doesn't run back-n-forth between two rooms saying "He said, she said". LOL

 

How old is your husband? He seems emotionally immature, spoiled, coddled and controlled by his parents. You mentioned he worked for his father's business for a while. Is there a lot of wealth in their family?

[winterpast]

Winterpast:

 

Got it, understood.

 

You were totally correct to insist in writing that your ex would not have your son every weekend. You are totally correct to have anything in writing that is to your benefit and your son's benefit.

 

I'm saying don't put in writing something that gives your ex-husband a mandated benefit, such as guaranteed every-other-week living.

 

His parents are puppet-mastering this "re-open the JPA petition", it's not originating from him. If Grandma and Grandpa would like to see your son more often, then just give them a friendly call on the telephone and offer to arrange some play-dates with them.

 

The reason your're not sure what your ex is thinking or wanting is because it's not even clear in his mind.

 

And your ex will be surprised to learn that meeting with a mediator usually means that the ex-wife and ex-husband talk to each other. A mediator is going to prefer face-to-face meetings with everyone in the same room. The mediator doesn't run back-n-forth between two rooms saying "He said, she said". LOL

 

How old is your husband? He seems emotionally immature, spoiled, coddled and controlled by his parents. You mentioned he worked for his father's business for a while. Is there a lot of wealth in their family?

 

I completely understand and agree with you on your recommendations. I'm just giving more details to the situation, especially since I'm having to remember everything from the past year.

 

I'm hoping to come up with anew agreement with him that we can put into writing and everyone be happy. Something that everyone can stick to so our son can have consistency. I'm not sure how he thinksaid the mediation process will go. We never had to go to a mediator before. He may think we will be in separate rooms.

 

He is 33. He was working at a career outside of his family's business but his family never liked it. His mother would call him on a weekly basis to convince him to quit his job. During the divorce his parents were very much in the middle of it. They felt it was their right because they were paying for his lawyer. I had moved out of the house so he would have a place to stay since I was able to move into my parents house while I got back on my feet. His father would come and go as he wanted in our home and would go through our things. When we finally sold the house and was moving out, his father took upon himself to go to the house one morning to collect my things and take them to.the dump. They also wanted him to tell the realtor to give them my half of the proceeds of the sale, but of course the realtor didn't.

 

They do have wealth. I don't know to what extent but they are paying for.all his.legal fees this time as well. They have convinced him to leave his apartment and move into one of the houses they own. They are very controlling people. I had to cut off contact with them because they would constantly corner me and ask me very personal questions about my life. They wanted to know where I planned to live because they wanted to approve it first.

[Angelica21]

All of the information that you are recalling and posting here will be very useful as you prepare to explain the situation to your attorney and to the mediator.

 

The fact that his parents are controlling "butt-in-skis" is absolutely a factor in this situation, so plan to explain that clearly to your attorney and the mediator.

 

I must point out that his parents will never be happy about anything, so don't waste your time thinking about whether such-and-such an arrangement will get them off your back and off your ex-husband's back.

 

I applaud your willingness to be cooperative and to consider modifying the JPA, but to help me understand better, and to help you understand yourself better, please explain something to me again:

 

from what you've said, it appears that your current JPA is a perfectly acceptable plan that already permits your ex-husband plenty of time with his son. It appears that the JPA doesn't need any modifying at all. (I need to go back and re-read, I can't see all previous messages while I'm in this reply editor)

 

It's only your ex-husband and his parents who believe that it needs modifying. You don't really believe that it needs modifying. You would only agree to a modification if it was forced on you, meaning if you went to mediation and your ex-husband would not withdraw his request to change it, and if your ex-husband appeared intent on following up a failed mediation with a court trial. Then you would need to bend a little.

 

So, strategy-wise, even though you know in your mind that you might negotiate and modify, your strategy going into mediation should remain "I don't believe the current JPA should be modified at all. That's my story and I'm sticking to it." That way, the work is placed on the shoulders of the mediator and your ex-husband to try and "convince" you other-wise.

 

In other words, don't walk into mediation saying "Hey, I'm willing to listen and re-consider" because they'll jump all over that. Start with a very tough stance "The current JPA gives you plenty of time with your son, it's fine the way it is".

[winterpast]

Originally he called to tell me about his meeting with the lawyer to request the petition. He said he was asking for every weekend, that's it. No other changes. I told him that I didn't think that was fair as I would not have any free time with our son outside of work/school. He stated that he worked a m-few job and couldn't take him during the weekdays. I suggested every other weekend.

 

Three weeks later I get served with the papers the day I get back from vacation. It requests every other week, that the child stay enrolled at x County schools. Father gets primary.

 

Current schedule based on old job schedule: father gets child overnight Sunday night and returns child at 5pm monday. His father brings him back at 2:30. Father gets child on Tuesday 8am till 8pm. Wednesday from 8am to 8pm (this is one of the days he is not currently taking him). Thurs from 8am till 2pm (another day he does not take him).

 

Hope that helps.

[Angelica21]

Yes, that helps me understand a little better. Let me see if I understand the current mandate correctly:

 

Sunday: dad picks up son up at your house sometime on Sunday morning, keeps son all day Sunday and overnight Sunday, all daytime Monday and returns son to you on Monday at 5:00 pm.

 

Tuesday: dad picks up son at your house at 8:00 am and returns son to your house at 8:00 pm.

 

Wednesday: dad picks up son at your house at 8:00 am and returns son to your house at 8:00 pm.

 

Thursday: dad picks up son at your house at 8:00 am and returns son to your house at 2:30 pm.

 

Friday and Saturday: dad does not see his son at all

 

Based on the schedule above, your ex-husband plus Grandma and Grandpa say "Hmmm, he's not getting enough time with his son. Let's file a petition to re-open the JPA, and request for dad to have his son EVERY weekend."

 

He tells you this plan, and you correctly and appropriately say "No, you can't have him every weekend, I want to spend time with him on weekends, also. Why don't we agree that you can have him every other weekend?"

 

Ex-husband reports back to Grandma and Grandpa, who get pissed and say "We'll show her, we'll respond by asking for a full week every other week, plus primary residential parent role, plus control over which school he attends".

 

Now, in my opinion, ex-husband and his family handled this all wrong.

 

However, I can also see that when your son is just a few years older and attending whatever school every day Mon-Fri, and dad is working every day Mon-Fri, then his dad would basically only see his son on Sunday, and after school on Tuesday and Wednesday.

 

Therefore, you being open to a modification such as "dad has son every other weekend from Friday after school until Monday morning before school, as well as after school 3:00 pm to 8pm every Tuesday and Wednesday", or something similar, would be a very reasonable agreement for two working parents and a school-age son. This might be how it turns out.

 

Since you don't want to modify that JPA constantly, you should be creating a plan that is probably going to function well when your son is in Grade 1 through Grade 12, and not just now while he is in pre-k or in kindergarten.