Tomzxz Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) Hello, I’m looking for any tips on helping someone find themselves without ending a relationship. A back story is in order. I am 38 and she is 39. We met online, had on two dates. We both came from relationships with passive aggressive and withholding partners that essentially sabotaged intimacy. I was engaged to my partner before the break and she was married to hers for eight years. Through transference, we feared our partners worst traits in each other and we agreed to part ways. She said she just didn’t have the time to date while in nursing school. Fast forward four months and we have a chance encounter again. Were still attracted to each other, talk and it feels like we can be friends. Things naturally progress physically and our worst fears are behind us. For the next six months we see each other as often as our schedules allow, weekends, weeknights. She balances nursing school and night jobs, I balance my 9-5 and house. Neither of us want children and things progress with only minor disagreements or misunderstandings that are quickly resolved. I was the first to tell her I loved her when I responded to her statement that she was falling for me. She hesitated to tell me she loves me until about five months in. The challenge is, that she has been toying with the idea of becoming a traveling nurse. Apparently, traveling nurses earn more money. She wants to take care of her mother in turkey by building a proper house so she doesn’t have to live in a manufactured home any more. I accepted this about her with my eyes open and reassured her that I want her to do what makes her happy. With the possibility of a temporary LDR in our future, we decided to keep seeing each other. She naturally struggles with balancing friends, work and me – I expressed my deep appreciation for the time that she makes for me. Due to her schedule I have adapted, allowing her to call most of the shots as to when we see each other. She graduated in May passed her certification (the day after my birthday) and now she needs to work in a hospital for one year before getting hired on with a traveling nurse agency. Since her graduation, I have felt the noticeable distance between us grow. Due to her studying, she felt obligated to see me on my birthday despite the space and understanding I gave her. I understand she was stressed. The rub is that she didn’t even bother to sign my birthday card. Later that evening she informed me that she isn’t going to be permanent in my life. We talked about it, the discussion got deeper than anything I can repeat here. Long story short, we seem to be on the same page as for understanding each other and were still talking/texting, expecting to see each other again, enjoying the best sex of our lives and setting future dates. It feels to me that my girlfriend is actually more interested in finding herself by exploring her upcoming independence that her career will offer but helping mom could be a part of it. I realize that she is struggling with the idea of commitment. She is tired of giving in to people and caring too much, being taken for granted, frankly being codependent from the sound of it. Having come from a divorced family, I see that her and my ideas of unconditional love might be a little different. She has trust issues with men (father left at age four). (First husband cheated) (Second husband withheld sex and stayed indoors while she seeks adventure and is very, very affectionate). I think she was comfortable with him because he didn’t offer the emotional intimacy that many people view as smothering yet she seeks a deeper connection. We found everything we are looking for in each other that was missing in our past relationships and she is the most stable, calm, drama free partner I have been with. We communicate, understand and trust one another, I’ve struggled with my own codependency as well though it hasn’t been triggered daily with this partner. I do fear that we might be falling in love without realizing it can’t be. In my heart I want to keep it going as long as we can though my head sees her urge to find herself will probably rupture the relationship without some sort of compromise. Sadly, I don’t think we are at the same place mentally. Live to give vs live to get perhaps? Perhaps the fear of missing out on something else is her counter point to a fear of the more stable place where I’m at. What can I say that could possibly encourage her to find herself while keeping our relationship alive? What can I do to help while at the same time giving both of us the happiness offered by our relationship. I already know If I let her go and she comes back it was meant to be - If not It wasn’t. I won’t agree to waiting around without some kind of set date. Unlike my ex, she seems genuinely open to talking about this and might even understand some of the driving force behind her motives. For the sake of this topic I’m interested in possibly taking an active role in helping her find herself while with someone - that is of course only if she wants help. I know this all sounds complicated but it’s actually a common situation for people finding their way. I just thought this was out of peoples systems by our age. I know she has strong feelings for me, I also know that the slightest misstep could do more harm than good. Surely there is a way we can be together during this time of discovery. Your thoughts? Edited June 16, 2016 by Tomzxz
smackie9 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 This isn't up to you to help her "find herself" This is on her, and if she doesn't have time and things are going to be changing in her life where your relationship is taking a back seat, then it's a matter of incompatibility/lifestyle differences. This relationship has run it's course, you both are going in different directions, might be time to move on.
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