bf not accepting love?

[bluefairy812]

hi all,

i'm in need of an opinion or different perspective here. my boyfriend and i have been dating for 10 months. we just moved out together last month. however, he is assigned to work out of state for 3 months. we lived together for a week before he left. a month went by and now he's here for a week to visit. in the past week we have cohabited once again, i've noticed two things: 1) when initially living together, you're both on your best behavior; 2) it's a little awkward with certain things.

 

he has never had a long term relationship and never lived with anyone else. he has always been very independent and is not the type to get babied. i have noticed he likes to take over cooking (example) and when i've asked him if he's hungry for breakfast or wants a sandwich for lunch he will decline. basically, when it comes to me doing things for him, he's reluctant to say yes. he's also a picky eater and yesterday we had our first "we won't always eat the same thing so we shall cook different meals" moment... not used to that. he's a rigid person. i believe it is because he is too independent. i'm not sure if he's aware that I want to do things for him because it comes out of my heart. he's so used to fending for himself that I don't think he knows how to accept love - or when others, like myself, want to do something for him.

 

this is the first time i've dated someone like this - headstrong, rigid, etc. underneath this layer he's a selfless, generous, giving and big hearted partner. he does care for me - i love him and i know he's worth it - but it's hard to get through this outer layer he puts out - i'm not sure I know what to do here. I'm a very warm affectionate person. he at first wasn't very affectionate but slowly he has improved. has anyone ever dealt with someone like this? what advice would you give me? again its been 10 months - almost a year. he's stuck in his ways and i know i won't change him but at least want to know how to deal with it.

[smackie9]

You have to be assertive in your expectations and needs with him ...that's all you have to do.

[bluefairy812]

You have to be assertive in your expectations and needs with him ...that's all you have to do.

 

how do I do that? I think I'm a wimp - i'm way too soft and sweet.

[Larryville]

again its been 10 months - almost a year. he's stuck in his ways and i know i won't change him but at least want to know how to deal with it.

 

we just moved out (in?) together last month. however, he is assigned to work out of state for 3 months. we lived together for a week before he left. a month went by and now he's here for a week to visit.

 

The obligatory time frame for couple is about the 6 month mark when someone’s true traits come out. So you got to that point and saw what you did or learned what you did and still decided to move in together?

 

this is the first time i've dated someone like this - headstrong, rigid, etc

 

Dude sounds like the typical: set-in-his-ways dude…

 

Individuals like this will only become more rigid over time. Dating someone who refuses to do anything new makes for a long-term relationship that is both boring and one-sided. Assuming that he will eventually change and open up to your way of living and understanding is misguided. This will likely never happen. His behavior is learned behavior, who did he learn it from, you need to understand that dynamic.

You say you love him?

 

As Smack said:

 

You have to be assertive in your expectations and needs with him…

 

While he MIGHT appease you for a time, he ain’t changing, you have to decide whether or not you will accept him as is.

[bluefairy812]

I do accept him for how he is, what I am having trouble with is him letting me do nice things for him. he's so used to being independent and on his own I think being in a relationship this long has been a whole new chapter for him. I do not want to stress or sound like i'm nagging to him, if anything I want him to feel I am an enhancement to his life, I just don't know which way to approach it. I try and do sweet things since we have lived together such as laundry or leaving him cute notes and even made him breakfast one morning. but the fact remains i think he can't handle all the nice things I do. I'm not sure if i am looking too much into this or expecting too much. I don't know how to approach it.

 

I do agree he is set in his ways - I can tell all around (being a picky eater, saying things such as "i like what i like", etc.) he knows it too - he made a joke the other day saying I would get tired of him quick and want him to go back to living apart in different cities since he's living out of town for three months.

 

The obligatory time frame for couple is about the 6 month mark when someone’s true traits come out. So you got to that point and saw what you did or learned what you did and still decided to move in together?

 

 

 

Dude sounds like the typical: set-in-his-ways dude…

 

Individuals like this will only become more rigid over time. Dating someone who refuses to do anything new makes for a long-term relationship that is both boring and one-sided. Assuming that he will eventually change and open up to your way of living and understanding is misguided. This will likely never happen. His behavior is learned behavior, who did he learn it from, you need to understand that dynamic.

You say you love him?

 

As Smack said:

 

 

 

While he MIGHT appease you for a time, he ain’t changing, you have to decide whether or not you will accept him as is.

[Emilia]

I think OP that you should give him space. I think him and I are quite similar and nothing would annoy me more than someone under my feet all the time. I know you are not like that but that's how it feels when someone isn't used to it.

 

Give him time and space. After all, it's give and take.

[smackie9]

how do I do that? I think I'm a wimp - i'm way too soft and sweet.

Simple...with honest straight forward communication. He's not a mind reader.

[Cablebandit]

Is doing things for him your love language? It is my wife's and it took me awhile to let her do things for me like that. i didn't want her to be "put out" by doing things for me. Once I understood that that was her love language, it made her giving easier to accept.

[bluefairy812]

funny you say that, we have explored our love language and his is quality time and acts of service.

 

mine is words of affirmation, physical touch and quality time.

 

while we have discussed this before, he's aware bc he knows i like affection. he's not 100% affectionate but he has improved since before he wasn't really into it. still, he says he's not into holding hands (never has been) which is annoying. -_-

 

Is doing things for him your love language? It is my wife's and it took me awhile to let her do things for me like that. i didn't want her to be "put out" by doing things for me. Once I understood that that was her love language, it made her giving easier to accept.

[Cablebandit]

funny you say that, we have explored our love language and his is quality time and acts of service.

 

mine is words of affirmation, physical touch and quality time.

 

while we have discussed this before, he's aware bc he knows i like affection. he's not 100% affectionate but he has improved since before he wasn't really into it. still, he says he's not into holding hands (never has been) which is annoying. -_-

 

 

Well obviously i went down the wrong line of thought. If his love language is acts of service, I do find it odd that he wont let you service him...pun intended

 

I'm kind of leaning towards what Larryville had to say. Let's hope I'm wrong again

[Emilia]

still, he says he's not into holding hands (never has been) which is annoying. -_-

but to him it's normal, for many people it's normal. You seem to want him to do things your way while you are not prepared to compromise at all.

[bluefairy812]

it's normal not to hold hands?

 

i have tried to compromise - once again i'm not sure what the answer is here. maybe i should give him space like you suggested - just a little more difficult to do that when you live with someone initially.

[pteromom]

I do accept him for how he is, what I am having trouble with is him letting me do nice things for him. he's so used to being independent and on his own I think being in a relationship this long has been a whole new chapter for him. I do not want to stress or sound like i'm nagging to him, if anything I want him to feel I am an enhancement to his life, I just don't know which way to approach it..

 

I am like him. I am very independent and not comfortable with someone doing things for me. I like cooking my own food and to some extent doing my own thing.

 

But it isn't that I am not accepting LOVE.

 

I just have a different love language.

 

Have you talked to your bf about what makes him feel loved? Just because what you are doing for him would make YOU feel loved, he may have a whole different take on it.

 

For me, I like "words of affirmation" and "quality time".

 

Get the book about the 5 love languages, or even just read an article on the internet about it, and discuss it with him.

 

You have to let him be who he is, and learn to love him in a way he wants to be loved, while sharing with him how YOU want to be loved.

[pteromom]

funny you say that, we have explored our love language and his is quality time and acts of service.

 

mine is words of affirmation, physical touch and quality time.

 

while we have discussed this before, he's aware bc he knows i like affection. he's not 100% affectionate but he has improved since before he wasn't really into it. still, he says he's not into holding hands (never has been) which is annoying. -_-

 

So you are giving him "acts of service" but he isn't responding well.

 

So ask him - what acts of service exactly would he like?

 

I'm not a big hand holder either. You have to be honest with yourself here too - if he doesn't improve beyond where he is at, and never gets really affectionate, will you be happy, or resentful? You have to let him be who he is - but you don't have to be with him if he doesn't meet your needs.

[RecentChange]

Yep you need to communicate - but it this also just may be an issue of compatibility.

 

Like you, I LOVE to cook, and to "feed my man" - for all of the ways our relationship isn't very traditional - at home, I tend to assume (and I am comfortable and happy with!) traditional female duties of cooking and cleaning. I enjoy making our house a clean and cozy home - and to have a wonderful dinner on the table every day. It makes me feel good to do so.

 

And its hard if that isn't wanted or appreciated!

 

You need to communicate that its something you enjoy doing, and would like to provide for him. As for the picky eating - HOW picky are we talking? Can you accommodate his tastes?

 

My Mr. is more picky than I am - I often give him a choice of things I have on hand to cook, and at this point I know him well enough to know his general likes and dislikes. Its also not unusual for me to make modifications between our meals (for instance I am on a perpetual diet, but will make some rice or other carbs for him that I avoid!).

 

Lastly, for ME - it would be really hard to share my home and life with someone who wouldn't allow me to cook for, and nurture them in those ways. And I like lots of affection, cuddling and all of that - again, *I* wouldn't be happy with a partner that didn't also enjoy those things.

[Larryville]

Is doing things for him your love language? It is my wife's and it took me awhile to let her do things for me like that. i didn't want her to be "put out" by doing things for me. Once I understood that that was her love language, it made her giving easier to accept.

funny you say that, we have explored our love language and his is quality time and acts of service.

 

mine is words of affirmation, physical touch and quality time.

while we have discussed this before, he's aware bc he knows i like affection. he's not 100% affectionate but he has improved since before he wasn't really into it. still, he says he's not into holding hands (never has been) which is annoying. -_-

 

While I get this is unorthodox, I am a big believer on Myers Briggs assessments. Understanding yourself and your mates behavior baselines can help with communication and relationship bonding. Good relationships take ongoing work and compromise. You seem to have a basic understand of that and that is cool. The trick is can your personality dynamic differences stand the test of time, assuming you are looking for something substantial and long term…. Marriage.

 

On the hand holding things, I'm very touchy feely, I like a lot of physical contact and if I am with someone who is not I quickly disconnect, so I know I could never be with anyone like that.

[bluefairy812]

Does it help to know that I feel insecure? I guess because doing these things makes me feel good knowing he would enjoy, so I feel rejected thus feeling insecure....Knowing him he will say "I don't know why you feel insecure, I'm with you"

[RecentChange]

Why do you feel insecure?

 

I can understand why the rejection is unsettling, but in security often comes from within, and he can't really be responsible for that.

 

On the other hand, cold, not affectionate, and rejecting your offers of service doesn't sound like a good match for someone suffering from insecurity. That often makes you crave comforting and affection, which are things he sounds like he is not big on.

 

Again, I am questioning the basic compability here

[pteromom]

Does it help to know that I feel insecure? I guess because doing these things makes me feel good knowing he would enjoy, so I feel rejected thus feeling insecure....Knowing him he will say "I don't know why you feel insecure, I'm with you"

 

Think about it logically though. What if he wanted to feed you canned frosting? And you hated canned frosting? And he kept trying to feed it to you? And you kept rejecting? And then he said that it feels like you don't love him because you won't just eat the canned frosting?

 

Would that make sense? You just aren't into the dang canned frosting. It has nothing to do with him, or how you feel about him.

 

Well - same with him. If he doesn't ENJOY something you are offering to him, it just means he isn't into whatever it is. Nothing to do with you.

[soyou]

I was in your shoes before.

 

Bf was single for 8 years. Very independent. Grew up in an enviormemt where showing emotions or affection is seen as a weakness. He needs to look and stay "tough" and as a real "man"

 

He doesnt like to hold hands.

He doés as much of affection as I wanted to

He is not verbally affectionate

 

This is what I did and it helps tremendously

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate

 

I talk to him nicely but firmly. I ask for a comprise from both sides. I set my boundaries that if certain things he cannot compromise then it means we are totally incompitable and unwillingness to work for a solution. If this is really the case, I'd like to end the relationship. No point for me to keep compromising and accepting who he is but he doesnt do the same in return

 

This also takes alot of intiatives from my end. I always have to show him my love, my feelings and give it as an example so he can just follow..

Eg: I'll say I miss you babe first (when I was away for a biz trip). Slowly whenever he goes somewhere, he just automatically says he misses me

 

6 months later here is what I get ;-))

 

1) very affectionate bf. He is not aware that he has changed so much in the past months in term of showing affection.

Before he could sit very close to me, kiss me in the public places, etc... Now wherever we sit, he would unawarely put my legs over his lap, put his arms around my shoulder... Sometimes when we walk, he would just blow me a kiss..

 

2) very understanding bf who values me and appreciate me, who could do anything to spoil me.

 

Jist talk to him about this. I hope you guys can solve this together. Good luck :-)

[ExpatInItaly]

How old is he?

 

What is his family background like?

 

Sometimes people who grow up in families that are not openly affectionate carry those traits into adulthood too. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it can conflict with others' expectations. Not everyone likes public displays of affection, having things done for them, and so on.

 

This may just come down to an incompatibility. Keep in mind you two haven't actually been together very long so you're still learning about each other.

 

You might also try reading up on Attachment Styles. It could be very enlightening.

Edited June 17, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[Tribble]

Bit hard to say if this is an incompatibility thing or not, you've barely lived together at all yet!

 

 

Living with another person is HARD. You have to think and adapt and act differently to being alone. I've been single most of my life and lived alone for 4 years. When I first got with my ex (my first bf), I really struggled. We spent a lot of time together at my house, he was very affectionate, liked a lot of communication and I felt completely overwhelmed. Which meant he felt a little rejected. I just wasn't used to it. If something needed fixing, I did it. If I wanted to eat, I had to cook. If I needed something fetching from the shop, I did it. This is what I was used to, relying on myself. Add someone else to the mix, someone who wants to do these things is difficult. Like someone else said, I didn't want to impose on someone else, ask them to do something I was completely capable of. Even though they liked doing it, it took a while to adapt to that.

 

 

I also hold back on affection. One of my primary love languages is physical touch. In a big way. Which means I've avoided touch so as not to get close to people and eventually end up getting hurt. So I was quite reserved in our relationship at the beginning. It wasn't conscious, it was completely unconscious and only something I've recently come to realise. Because once I felt safe and OK, I got super touchy feely and affectionate. Who'd have thought it?? You say your bf has got more affectionate and that's great. Maybe he is slowly adapting to having someone in his life he can be like that with.

[katiegrl]

Well obviously i went down the wrong line of thought. If his love language is acts of service, I do find it odd that he wont let you service him...pun intended

 

I'm kind of leaning towards what Larryville had to say. Let's hope I'm wrong again

 

I agree with first paragraph..

 

How can his love language be acts of service when he doesn't want you doing anything for him? That is the opposite of what acts of service is! Makes no sense....

 

I also agree with the poster who said give him space. You are trying too hard to please, and clearly it is annoying him......

 

Try being more independent yourself.. you may just be incompatible though.

 

He wants you to eat two separate meals for dinner? Him one thing and you another?

 

That's a little extreme imo. It appears "togetherness" just isn't his thing at all.

 

He won't change so perhaps you have some thinking to do re the longevity of this relationship...

[katiegrl]

Does it help to know that I feel insecure? I guess because doing these things makes me feel good knowing he would enjoy, so I feel rejected thus feeling insecure....

 

 

---

 

**Knowing him he will say "I don't know why you feel insecure, I'm with you"

 

^^ I am sorry his response was just crappy. Cold and crappy.

 

Extremely dismissive...

 

I would dump him for *that*. This man should not be in a relationship with anyone imo.

 

Or maybe just you, I don't know.

 

All I know is ...... if when I expressed a concern or insecurity to my boyfriend and he shrugged it off dismissively ....... essentially saying "stop whining I am with you, are I?" which was what your bf was essentially saying .... he would be history.

 

Jmo but he sounds like an arrogant a**.

Edited June 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[Tribble]

^^ I am sorry his response was just crappy. Cold and crappy.

 

Extremely dismissive...

 

I would dump him for *that*. This man should not be in a relationship with anyone imo.

 

Or maybe just you, I don't know.

 

All I know is ...... if when I expressed a concern or insecurity to my boyfriend and he shrugged it off dismissively ....... essentially saying "stop whining I am with you, are I?" which was what your bf was essentially saying .... he would be history.

 

Jmo but he sounds like an arrogant a**.

 

To be fair, she said, knowing him, that's what she think he'd say