ses Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 This isn't a typical "money is causing us a lot of problems" per se question. My boyfriend and I are in a monogamous, long-term, happy relationship. We're in our late twenties — he's in his final year of grad school, and I'm working. Since the only income he has is derived from loans I try to help him as much as possible — paying for the majority of our dates and giving him some extra cash when he needs it. He'll accept my help— albeit, begrudgingly — but I wish he realized I like helping him and that I want to take care of him. I think it would be an entirely different situation were he unemployed and not looking for work. Rent is really expensive in our location (Mid-Atlantic NE U.S.) so we both live with our families to save money. We're already discussed how we'll have two separate accounts as well as a joint account to pay for household expenses and any extra splurges once we move in together after he starts his job. I know his debt is not my own but I want to help because I want us to have a good life together. My family really likes him, and I'm fortunate that my mother wants to help us financially next year, too. I just want him to not strss out and feel so bad. It's not his fault, and I don't blame nor resent him. He has reassured me on multiple occasions that he'll take care of me in the future, and how lucky he is to be with me, but money really isn't that important — I just want us to be self-sufficient with enough savings. I know it will be difficult for us initially but I see the road ahead so it's worth it. As he's always emphasized to me — we're a team. What can I tell him? Is it an ego/masculinity thing?
smackie9 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Of course it's an ego thing...A MALE ego thing. He feels emasculated and that is NOT a good thing. Stop helping him out and try doing things on your dates that are free, like invite him over for dinner, go to the park and have a picnic, etc. You are NOT a team....not until you have established a common law relationship. Put any extra money you have away because you are going to need it for a down payment on a house. 4
Emilia Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Dependence on parents in your late 20s is always a big no for me. Why is it that neither of you is in a house/flatshare with other people? 1
Author ses Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Dependence on parents in your late 20s is always a big no for me. Why is it that neither of you is in a house/flatshare with other people? Cultural backgrounds, and to save money. I live in the wealthiest state in the U.S., and he lives in the second wealthiest county in the States. A good apt here is $1200-1600 USD, minimum. We're also from cultures where it is typical to live with our families before marriage. Honestly, our parents both give us more than enough privacy, and we have good relationships with everyone so it's not awkward. I understand some people might not understand but it works for us.
Emilia Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Cultural backgrounds, and to save money. I live in the wealthiest state in the U.S., and he lives in the second wealthiest county in the States. A good apt here is $1200-1600 USD, minimum. We're also from cultures where it is typical to live with our families before marriage. Honestly, our parents both give us more than enough privacy, and we have good relationships with everyone so it's not awkward. I understand some people might not understand but it works for us. It's not the privacy, it's the independence. I understand the cultural aspect, worked with people who would move back home even after a divorce (Indian subcontinent originally). What it does is that it infantilises you and you don't become a resourceful adult. For a student it's harder because of the lack of money. As a working adult, really you should be comfortable with house sharing etc and full independence. So what if you can't have some great apartment to yourself? Share a house and have your own room. This over-nurturing thing and taking away his independence further is no good. I mean he lives at home, it's not like he really needs your money to eat. You are both adults, not children. 2
No_Go Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 $1200-1600 USD - eh lucky you... For a 2 bedroom $2000-2500 sounds good here (also NE), I'd kill for a $1200 apartment:D My adult (27) y.o. sister kept living with my mother besides having a BF of 4 (four) years... They got 'independent' apartment (sponsored by mummy of course) - besides being 27/34 they are still children in behavior Me (being from the same family and culture obviously) moved out at 22, saved 5 figures during my grad school time and multiplied it by 10 in the 3-4 years post grad school. This - with average salary, and living in Boston. So it is not about money, it is about managing them. I think the only way to learn is to be independent of parents and partners. No money - no dates. No money - cut off the cable etc. And the situation gets better. Starter tip: put aside 15-30% of your post-tax salary and FORGET about its existence... And money problems become past. Helping partner, who IS working is a good thing. Unless they speculate: I had one who literally mooched 6-7 grand off me in a few months of living together. After this guy - I'm VERY cautious about helping partners. He started small btw - out of cash for taxi or dinner... Going to full blown sugar momma-sugar baby situation. It was't fun. Your BF sounds respectful and responsible though.I think covering up dates is absolutely ok. Occasional help as well, as long as its not overboard. How long you've been together guys? Is marriage in the cards? IMO cohabitation should involve just splitting joined costs 50/50 (or anoehr ratio like 75/25 if he has much lower income), further enmeshment of finance should happen after marriage. Cultural backgrounds, and to save money. I live in the wealthiest state in the U.S., and he lives in the second wealthiest county in the States. A good apt here is $1200-1600 USD, minimum. We're also from cultures where it is typical to live with our families before marriage. Honestly, our parents both give us more than enough privacy, and we have good relationships with everyone so it's not awkward. I understand some people might not understand but it works for us. 1
Toodaloo Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Let him sort his stuff out. You are not his mother. 1
Author ses Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Our arrangement doesn't work for you — that's fine. I really don't feel the need to explain why we choose to live with our families. The question was/is not about cultural differences because it doesn't negatively affect us. I grew up in a culture where it was common to live with your parents until marriage, and until recent years, the mother-in-law would move in with her son and live with his wife and their children. My partner and I know we'll be fine once we live independently of our folks, but for now my parents are very accepting of this arrangement because I can save money. If it ever became a problem for myself or my family, then we would move out, but for now, we're okay and happy.
Author ses Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) Yeah. We're planning on getting engaged and moving in next year after he graduates and starts his job. It is a serious relationship. I do freelance work so I'm responsible for paying my own taxes and health insurance, which takes a bite out of my earnings. I should've clarified in my OP — my weekly earnings can fluctuate based on how many hours I work so it's not consistent. I've applied to many salaried positions (with benefits) in my chosen field, but no luck yet. We do plan on splitting the costs 50/50 after we move in together. He's currently studying for his boards so that's his job for now. $1200-1600 USD - eh lucky you... For a 2 bedroom $2000-2500 sounds good here (also NE), I'd kill for a $1200 apartment:D My adult (27) y.o. sister kept living with my mother besides having a BF of 4 (four) years... They got 'independent' apartment (sponsored by mummy of course) - besides being 27/34 they are still children in behavior Me (being from the same family and culture obviously) moved out at 22, saved 5 figures during my grad school time and multiplied it by 10 in the 3-4 years post grad school. This - with average salary, and living in Boston. So it is not about money, it is about managing them. I think the only way to learn is to be independent of parents and partners. No money - no dates. No money - cut off the cable etc. And the situation gets better. Starter tip: put aside 15-30% of your post-tax salary and FORGET about its existence... And money problems become past. Helping partner, who IS working is a good thing. Unless they speculate: I had one who literally mooched 6-7 grand off me in a few months of living together. After this guy - I'm VERY cautious about helping partners. He started small btw - out of cash for taxi or dinner... Going to full blown sugar momma-sugar baby situation. It was't fun. Your BF sounds respectful and responsible though.I think covering up dates is absolutely ok. Occasional help as well, as long as its not overboard. How long you've been together guys? Is marriage in the cards? IMO cohabitation should involve just splitting joined costs 50/50 (or anoehr ratio like 75/25 if he has much lower income), further enmeshment of finance should happen after marriage. Edited June 16, 2016 by ses 2
No_Go Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Sounds good. I think with a fluctuating salary / freelancing saving is very important... So it is probably good for you as well to wait until he graduates, it gives you time to get a salaried position with benefits giving you more stable lifestyle. Re-reading the thread: I think you don't have anything to be concerned about, you seem to be on top of your game, your BF is ambitious as well, and the financial planning/arrangements are fair. Yeah. We're planning on getting engaged and moving in next year after he graduates and he starts his job. It is a serious relationship. I do freelance work so I'm responsible for paying my own taxes and health insurance which takes a bite out of my earnings. I should've clarified in my OP — my weekly earnings can fluctuate based on how many hours I work so it's not consistent. I've applied to many salaried positions in my chosen field with benefits, but no luck yet. We do plan on splitting the costs 50/50 after we move in together. He's currently studying for his boards so that's his job for now.
smackie9 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 $1200-1600 USD - eh lucky you... For a 2 bedroom $2000-2500 sounds good here (also NE), I'd kill for a $1200 apartment:D . Ya here in Vancouver it's anywhere from $2800 to $4000+++ a month. 1
TXGuy Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 ...he's in his final year of grad school, and I'm working. Since the only income he has is derived from loans I try to help him as much as possible — paying for the majority of our dates and giving him some extra cash when he needs it. He'll accept my help— albeit, begrudgingly — but I wish he realized I like helping him and that I want to take care of... I just want him to not strss out and feel so bad. It's not his fault, and I don't blame nor resent him. He has reassured me on multiple occasions that he'll take care of me in the future, and how lucky he is to be with me, but money really isn't that important — I just want us to be self-sufficient with enough savings. I know it will be difficult for us initially but I see the road ahead so it's worth it. As he's always emphasized to me — we're a team. What can I tell him? Is it an ego/masculinity thing? It sounds like you guys have a very good relationship that looks to be serious. Given the circumstances, it sounds like an reasonable/appropriate amount of support. I think he has the perfectly appropriate attitude toward accepting your help. His current attitude is a hundred times better than an entitled attitude. He is reluctant to accept, and is appreciative when he does. That is perfect. 1
Emilia Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Our arrangement doesn't work for you — that's fine. I really don't feel the need to explain why we choose to live with our families. The question was/is not about cultural differences because it doesn't negatively affect us. I grew up in a culture where it was common to live with your parents until marriage, and until recent years, the mother-in-law would move in with her son and live with his wife and their children. My partner and I know we'll be fine once we live independently of our folks, but for now my parents are very accepting of this arrangement because I can save money. If it ever became a problem for myself or my family, then we would move out, but for now, we're okay and happy. I wanted to know why you two in your late 20s couldn't crack it on your own. I still maintain it's about lack of resourcefulness.
Author ses Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 I wanted to know why you two in your late 20s couldn't crack it on your own. I still maintain it's about lack of resourcefulness. Since my earnings can fluctuate weekly based on how often I work I don't make a consistent salary. Out of the earnings I do receive I have to save to pay for self-employment taxes (at least 15%), health insurance, and student loan payments. Those are my mandatory payments. I've applied for many salaried positions with benefits but I haven't received any interviews. Getting a good job is not easy and takes time. The economy is improving but a lot of people struggle to make ends meet. It makes more sense for me to try to save up until we both have better jobs next year. A lot of people live paycheck to paycheck which is why I'm trying to save right now. I wrote this post because I wanted advice on how to reassure my SO that I had his back, and that we'll be better off in the future. We're not interested in moving out on our own at this time because finances are tight.
Author ses Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Thanks! He's a really great guy, and I'm lucky to have him in my life. He does pay his own bills but the money is from his loans. I know if our situations were switched he would help me out, too. That's just who he is as a person. This is not a situation where he's a slacker mooching off me. I'm comfortable with paying for our dates, and have always struggled with the idea that men should always pay, especially in a committed relationship. It sounds like you guys have a very good relationship that looks to be serious. Given the circumstances, it sounds like an reasonable/appropriate amount of support. I think he has the perfectly appropriate attitude toward accepting your help. His current attitude is a hundred times better than an entitled attitude. He is reluctant to accept, and is appreciative when he does. That is perfect.
Recommended Posts