BrooklynS Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) Ok so this is my first ever post... Going to try to give the shortest version possible... I met this guy who is 38 (exactly my age) on a dating app. a month ago and first time to meet and like someone from that. He is a public figure of sorts and travels extensively for work as that is what his main biz is in.. Travel is also my passion. We had instant connection, we talked about relationships, kids (which he has a 6 year old girl) and everything from likes and dislike to philosophy. We did not have sex the first night though we made out like crazy. He was eager to see me again and again .. even after we had sex.. we went to dinner and he ask 1000 questions about my family and my interests.. the last time we spent together that felt right was amazing and he said he could kiss me all night and told me he loved everything about me and I was perfect for him. Then he goes away for 3 days on bizness which I barely heard from him but he does public speaking and is on the go 24 7 . When he came back we went to a baseball game but something felt off... then the distance starts and knots in my stomach bc I had started to fall for him. The next time I stayed over we didnt have sex and there was a noticeable distance ... then communication was dwindling so I wanted to know if he was seeing someone else so I told him another guy had asked me out and I wasnt sure what to say or if I even wanted to but that i valued what we had started and didnt want to do anything to jeopardize that and he told me that he would be jealous but wasnt looking for anything serious and that I should go for it... I was shocked bc that was not the vibe he put out but he insisted that he respected me and really did want to be friends after i told him that was not execrable and he said that he didnt mean that it was not possible but just not this weekend and that he is traveling for 6 weeks plus for work straight which is true... he also made me part of his work team and integrated me into his life. He had invited me to church with him and his daughter so I said I would pass as that felt intimate to me. He kept in contact for work stuff and expressed that he really wanted to see me before he left. so on to part 2.... the other guy I was seeing messaged me that this guy was seeing his recent ex after me and knew when she was at his house which he lied about ... I confronted him and he admited to some.. but not all... understandable but he still says he respects me and is sorry that he made me feel that way and that he will make it up to me. he wants to work with me and be friends which i told him was not an option. he said he was hoping we would take trips together in the future and he stays in contact throughout the day mostly but doesnt seem to care about making me a priority... there is more but for now is this guy just wanting to hookup until his schedule levels out and or makes up his mind what he wants ? Does he see a future or possibility of one and just does want it right now? or is he stringing me along trying not to hurt me bc he is not interested but why do all these things when I tried to remove myself completely he tries to pull me back in and tell me to stop acting crazy that I hot and sexy and he likes me and respects me and he is going to help me make money? ... what gives? he is def. interested in other girls and new prospects ! Edited June 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
hippychick3 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) <snip> he told me that he would be jealous but wasnt looking for anything serious and that I should go for it...<snip> The bolded part is the only thing you should focus on, OP. When a man tells you he doesn't want anything serious, believe him. He may like you and be attracted to you but does not want a relationship with you. It would be a good idea to really get out there and date others and detach yourself from this one. Edited June 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact extraneous quote 2
ly399 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Im in similar situation, my strategy (at least what i intend to do) is go live my life: date whoever i want to, work as hard as possible, workout, travel, read, etc. If he actual likes you, he will come find you and tell you what he wants from you. The guy i was seeing for few months was hot and cold for a good while, i just kept doing what i want in life. Deep down i have alot of anxiety, but i trained myself not to show it and calm it down when it's getting too much. One day he just confess his feelings. In my case, the guy isn't looking for anything serious with me now because he's very young (28) and wants to live his single life. However, he felt I'm the girl he wants to settle down when he's ready. So he invited me to his family reunion and introduced me to all his friends. I don't know your guy's situation, he might be too tight up with family responsibility and work, and felt he isn't capable to providing you enough support as a spouse. I mean how old are you? Are you planning to have kids soon? what'ss your relationship goal? (ie. marriage, LTR, etc)
Author BrooklynS Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 yes I know but guys will either say that bc they are not interested with you or bc they are not sure yet.. with it only being 3 weeks at the time im not sure bc he also said that he didnt say it wasnt possible just not that weekend and bc he was leaving for bizness for 6-8 weeks wit only a day or 2 home hear and there and he has his daughter to see as well. He has been gone about a week and text me at least 2x a day but its usually " I hope you have a good day" or at night " hey Im going to crash" and most of time does kissy faceys etc. he will give me occasional details like hes watching a show i would like or watching the game with his team. He like almost all my social media posts but he doesnt call though weve only spoken on the phone once . I just feel like im loosing interest but I knew he was leaving I just didnt expect to catch what ever it is im feeling before. I know he wants to play the field and said he was extremely cautious about getting into a relationship but Im having a hard time between deciding if im being cool or too cool and being a doormat. I want to ask him but dont know if i will even get an honest answer.. that is I want to ask if he wants to be casually indefinitely or just wants to not be serious for a while to get to know me.. he was even making plans to watch a tv series together again tonight. He doesnt really flirt though other than than the emjoi's .. but why do kissy face or even do the check in stuff .. thats what a psuedo boyfriend would.. he obviously feels at least some obligation to me... I have a guy that I was on the other end of a similar situation and I def. didnt check in or send emojis unless maybe on occasion he did and it felt bad not doing something and he keeps saying he is going to make it up to me and also he has brought up several times that he went out with someone else and cooled off when i had posted that someone sent me flowers on FB but it was anonymous. I am a Realtor and have about 4 stalkers at once at all times lol and he mentioned he didnt know why I was upset bc he saw me back on the dating app we met on which i only did to try to get my mind off him but i dont want to date others.. once i like someone I dont feel attraction for anyone else and he said I was talking to guys on FB which I am not so dont know what post he read into to assume that? So that make me feel like maybe I didnt communicate well with him but also like its an excuse for him not to be in the wrong or feel like he is. Frustrated !!
Author BrooklynS Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 (edited) @ly399 We are both 38.. neither of us has been married.. both have been in long term relationship he has a 6 year old girl and we are both undecided or could go either way about having children but I do want to be in a close , committed relationship and work towards a marriage bc I want a partner , someone i can count on and share love, laughter and life basically. I feel I have a lot to offer in that and we were having deep conversations and could tell when I passed check points in his eyes and then like I said he was like I LOVE everything about you and then just something changed.. at first I thought he just freaked himself out bc it kinda freaked me out just hearing the "L" word in any context but he was away on bizness for a few days and its just been slightly diff ever since.. we got into a barely argument and then things got real again put he keeps pulling away. Ive never been in this situation and can usually tell when I guy is not interested... they dont text to check in and they dont send kissy faces and make plans to watch a tv series and stalk my FB but then again guys who I def. know are into dont not call , or make actual future plans or not show other obvious signs like flirt or tease and he tells me when we are together how hot and sexy I am but no pda and nothing real flirty until we are together. If he wasnt such a good catch and had so many things in common and he had been such an open book and spend hours talking about "reltionship geared" talk I wouldnt even be interested ... could he just really be playing it cool bc hes traveling? .. I mean he said he thought we were going to take trips together and Im like yeah me too!! When he could have totally invited me on a couple of these .. he is cofounder of the company and its a travel company that Im now a member of and working underneath him.. what guy would intergrate a FWB, booty call or any girl he had no intentions of possible future with into he work and social life and his into mine?? Edited June 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
Loud_but_shy Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 His not interested in a relationship only sex & company. If you want children you need a stable loyal man, he may act guilty or mire affectionate towards you if you pull away because he misses the conpany. Don't be used. 1
tinkerbell16 Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 yes I know but guys will either say that bc they are not interested with you or bc they are not sure yet.. with it only being 3 weeks at the time im not sure bc he also said that he didnt say it wasnt possible just not that weekend and bc he was leaving for bizness for 6-8 weeks wit only a day or 2 home hear and there and he has his daughter to see as well. He has been gone about a week and text me at least 2x a day but its usually " I hope you have a good day" or at night " hey Im going to crash" and most of time does kissy faceys etc. he will give me occasional details like hes watching a show i would like or watching the game with his team. He like almost all my social media posts but he doesnt call though weve only spoken on the phone once . I just feel like im loosing interest but I knew he was leaving I just didnt expect to catch what ever it is im feeling before. I know he wants to play the field and said he was extremely cautious about getting into a relationship but Im having a hard time between deciding if im being cool or too cool and being a doormat. I want to ask him but dont know if i will even get an honest answer.. that is I want to ask if he wants to be casually indefinitely or just wants to not be serious for a while to get to know me.. he was even making plans to watch a tv series together again tonight. He doesnt really flirt though other than than the emjoi's .. but why do kissy face or even do the check in stuff .. thats what a psuedo boyfriend would.. he obviously feels at least some obligation to me... I have a guy that I was on the other end of a similar situation and I def. didnt check in or send emojis unless maybe on occasion he did and it felt bad not doing something and he keeps saying he is going to make it up to me and also he has brought up several times that he went out with someone else and cooled off when i had posted that someone sent me flowers on FB but it was anonymous. I am a Realtor and have about 4 stalkers at once at all times lol and he mentioned he didnt know why I was upset bc he saw me back on the dating app we met on which i only did to try to get my mind off him but i dont want to date others.. once i like someone I dont feel attraction for anyone else and he said I was talking to guys on FB which I am not so dont know what post he read into to assume that? So that make me feel like maybe I didnt communicate well with him but also like its an excuse for him not to be in the wrong or feel like he is. Frustrated !! He IS interested in you... having sex with you on a casual basis that is. All those "signs" he cares are bread crumbs to keep you on the line. He gaslight you and rationalizes his crumb serving to MANAGE DOWN YOUR EXPECTATION. He is a public figure- ish? Probably charming and charismatic. Probably has a "you" in every city. If you are frustrated and confused there us a reason. Listen to your gut. You aren't special to him. If you were you would feel exactly that... special and a priority. Move on. Maybe one of those stalkers would value you more lol (kidding) 1
Author BrooklynS Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 the really messed up part is there was another guy I met on the dating app basically the exact same day who I was also very interested in but got the feeling maybe he wasnt completely over his ex or some red flags went off of some sort bc he was asking to be exclusive and deleted his app after a week... but then dissapeared for days and didnt really text lol...so I started putting my energy into said guy and the other one noticed my abscence and said where have you been and what is his name... at this point I was backing off bc i didnt know what was going on ... so to make a complicated situation completely insane ( this guys live in diff cities but across a lake from each other) .. due to an odd string of random events.. I had gotten the feeling the guy I like was seeing someone else and then when he said he didnt want anythign serious I broke it off with him at... I go hang out with the other guy and just told him I couldnt bc my emotions were tangled up with someone else ... come to find out the option B guys messages me the next day that the girl Option A guy is seeing is his ex he just found out and the bizarre love triangle just get insane from there but after I told him that if wanted to continue with associating with her that I didnt want any part of it bc this was too much drama for me after I confronted him not accusatory but more just filling him in bc the other guy knew their every move it appeared so was a bit creepy and of course he lied about her being at his house but he told the other girl he couldnt talk to her anymore so he seems to be worried about losing me at this point?? Yes crazy coincidence !! lucky me lol of all the people in all the world
angel.eyes Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Not what you want to hear, but a guy who tells you to go for it with another guy and who tells you he isn't looking for anything serious is NOT interested in having a serious relationship with you. Sure, he love bombed you and told you he loved everything about you on early dates, but believe him when he tells this: wasnt looking for anything serious and that I should go for it.
Author BrooklynS Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 your replies are cracking me up... yeah thats what Im thinking but now I dont want to work with him but my ego and pride doesnt want to look like a cry baby quitter either. I guess I shouldnt care and tuth is I dont even know him well enough to care so its prob all ego and the fact that I just want to understand where the click happened or if it was all a rouse but I do feel duped and used a little. I genuinely want to know how Im being so easily fooled bc Im a smart girl and an empath with high intuition... its those damn emotions !! lol
angel.eyes Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Okay, if you're looking for a relationship, you're wasting your time with these two. Quite frankly, if you're looking for a relationship, you're going about this the wrong way. What is it you want out of dating exactly? You stated in the OP that you wanted something serious. But your choices and your behavior suggest you just want fun, light casual dating with a bunch of guys. Which is it? the really messed up part is there was another guy I met on the dating app basically the exact same day who I was also very interested in but got the feeling maybe he wasnt completely over his ex or some red flags went off of some sort bc he was asking to be exclusive and deleted his app after a week... but then dissapeared for days and didnt really text lol...so I started putting my energy into said guy and the other one noticed my abscence and said where have you been and what is his name... at this point I was backing off bc i didnt know what was going on ... so to make a complicated situation completely insane ( this guys live in diff cities but across a lake from each other) .. due to an odd string of random events.. I had gotten the feeling the guy I like was seeing someone else and then when he said he didnt want anythign serious I broke it off with him at... I go hang out with the other guy and just told him I couldnt bc my emotions were tangled up with someone else ... come to find out the option B guys messages me the next day that the girl Option A guy is seeing is his ex he just found out and the bizarre love triangle just get insane from there but after I told him that if wanted to continue with associating with her that I didnt want any part of it bc this was too much drama for me after I confronted him not accusatory but more just filling him in bc the other guy knew their every move it appeared so was a bit creepy and of course he lied about her being at his house but he told the other girl he couldnt talk to her anymore so he seems to be worried about losing me at this point?? Yes crazy coincidence !! lucky me lol of all the people in all the world
Author BrooklynS Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 No I was in a 4 year relationship that took me around 8 or 9 months to get over.. I tried dating a couple during that time but was def. not ready.. So i started this dating app to basically reenter the dating world and literally met them at the same time.. did not expect to actually really like both and was trying to be dating "modern" and be casual I mean i havent really dated in 8 years. During this process I evaluated what was ok with me and I dont know what kind of "feelings" I was getting but def. knew I was not ok with dating more than one person at a time or vice versa... but took a min to think if I was acting out of a place of fear but the truth is I dont know if I want to be in a committed relationship but I think after a certain amount of time you tend to want to be only with the one you like but I know guys and girls that have dated non exclusively until just before an engagement for months or years... its only been a month and just wondering if Im wrong for being this bothered ... if he had been clear about his intentions from day one I would have been a bit more guarded... it was just that he did make me feel special and like a light switch something happend ... prob the other girl which is why I dont want to compete with "shiny and new" .. bc i cant. And I know he doesnt want a relationship right now ... neither do I... but I dont want to waste time or effort or emotion if he knows not now or ever... I do believe or I did there was a def.. possibility. I dont mind casual as much if its a more of getting to know if i want a relationship or I def. dont want at all if hes just not interested or never will be or just wants his cake and eat it to. I guess conclusion is ... this is driving me nuts and Im not having fun anymore and im loosing interest all together so will just work itself out im sure... just dont want to be neurotic and jumping the gun bc its too early and be kicking myself later... my past relationships that have all been long term have pretty much been insta boyfriend or at least with a month or so . We can cant even date when hes out of the country for almost 2 months lol... I guess i just answered my real question which is what should i do and thats apparently a moot point !! lol
Author BrooklynS Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 I appreciate all the insight.. I really knew but just trying to figure out why in an effort to understand myself, men, dating and life. My ex did a really really bad number on me and still a bit unsure of my emotions and just want to make sure they are legitimate and stable and not reacting out of fear and mistrust . Does anyone have any advice as far as how I should approach it? I tried to just cut it off completely but felt a bit psycho and immature with such a staunch reaction bc he is now sorta integrated into my work life and best friends with my sorta friend and main vendor partner who oddly is my ex;s boss and good friends with my Broker or should I just tell him no more kissy faces if he wants nothing serious or just do the slow fade and not reciprocate?
angel.eyes Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 (edited) You seem to be in denial. It's not that it's too early for him to know. It's not that he might not be interested in something right now as you're suggesting. He told you point blank that he's not looking for anything serious with you, and even more telling, he advised you to "go for it" with another guy. For whatever reason, he's happy to have fun times with you, but he doesn't see you as girlfriend material. If girlfriend is what you eventually are looking for out of dating, you're wasting your time searching for water in a dry well. Not every guy you like will feel the same way about you or want the same things you do out of dating. That's just life. On to the next when you encounter that. Instead, you're wasting a lot of time and energy down an empty rabbit hole. ETA: I don't get why you're turning this into such a big deal about how to break up. He told you to go for it with another guy. Just follow through and move on. Edited June 18, 2016 by angel.eyes 2
Author BrooklynS Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 he also said after I said that I respect that but am only dating to work toward something more serious (which I was saying right that minute , I frankly was trying to find out if he was dating or wanted to or cared if i did , which I really didnt even want to but didnt want to assume but was too soon to have a where are we talk I thought) and he replied with " I dont mean it not a possibility , I just meant right now bc im leaving for so long and dont feel right keeping you on hold and implied that it was be selfish of him to do that but he would be jealous" ... was that all just bs ? but that to me sounds like he is really either saying lets wait and see once we have gotten to know each other or complete bs bc hes too much of a coward to say " your great but Im a player and wasnt expecting to really like you and now I feel bad for wanting my cake and eating it too but your a big girl and I respect you but just want to play? lol Not what you want to hear, but a guy who tells you to go for it with another guy and who tells you he isn't looking for anything serious is NOT interested in having a serious relationship with you. Sure, he love bombed you and told you he loved everything about you on early dates, but believe him when he tells this:
Author BrooklynS Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 @angel.eyes Im not breaking up from a non relationship ... Im asking how to let him know with over dramatizing that those things have not only been confusing me but not appropriate for a working relationship nor are they wanted in the context for which they are being giving. He has a major influence on the money I make bc of the type of business that it is and dont wont to burn any bridges. I am also listing his 2 million ranch so I will have to work with him on an almost daily biases unless i completely just scratch it all .. and he didnt say with me he said at this moment bc he wasnt going to be around to date for a couple months.. he told the other girl from the beginning...but she is 26 so she didnt care. If guys mean what they say which I do believe what he said but he also said he didnt mean ever just not now bc of his schedule so just tryng to understand . Im not in denial that he doesnt want anything serious or wants to be casual but there are so many definitions of that bc I go from casual, to exclusive, to commited ( bf/gf) to serious like working more inclinded to marriage or engagement... but everyone is different.
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