Addicted18 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) Hi, everyone. I've been reading this forum for the past few months, but recently decided to join, because this forum has an awesome group of people who are all going the similar things and offer awesome support and advice. I would also like to try to give advice to help others as well, though I may not be much help because I'm such a weakling myself. I can give advice to others, but I can't seem to follow my own advice! So I need to get out of a very complicated relationship with someone, and I just can't seem to get out of it or get over her no matter how hard I try! It's like I'm addicted to this person as if she is cocaine (no, I've never been addicted to any drugs nor taken drugs, but I think I know how drug addicts feel because of how this person is making me feel). I won't get into details about my relationship with her because it's very long and complicated and don't want to bore anyone... So I decided I need to go NC to get over this person, but the problem is I loaned her $15,000 and she has only paid me back $1,800 so far. She has been making monthly payments which ranges from $100-$300 a month depending on what she can afford that month. So even though I want to go NC so that I can lose my feelings and end my addiction to her, I will still have to be in contact with her some kind of way because she has to pay me every month, which will keep me from reaching my goal since I'll be reminded of her every month when I get the payment. What should I do? I feel like I'm stuck with her because of the fact that she still owes me a lot of money. Edited June 16, 2016 by Addicted18
Blanco Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Did you have a written contract regarding the loan? If not, then you're out of luck. That's what I've gauged from overhearing the TV when I'm visiting my mom and she's watching Judge Judy. Sounds like she's not capable of repaying much or with any real consistency. In other words, you've got to decide if the mental anguish that will come with keeping her in your life for YEARS is worth the money owed. That's a nice chunk of change, but sometimes peace of mind is worth more than a dollar amount. If you were able to loan a non-family member such an amount of money, I'll assume that chalking up the amount still owed as a loss won't ruin you. 1
whatnot Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I'd ask her. If you all break up would she continue to pay. Lol (Good luck w/ that one)
Author Addicted18 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 I do have a hand written agreement of her agreeing to pay me back monthly until the full amount is paid off, but I really don't want to take her to court. I don't have any hard feelings for her, we're just in a toxic relationship that I know won't go anywhere, which is why I just need to get over her and move on. I was actually contemplating whether or not I should just take the loss and move on, but I'm hoping to get at least half of my money back before deciding to let the rest go as a loss, but at the rate she's paying me back, it will still be a very long time before I get half of it back.
Blanco Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Then assume the loss. If it's a toxic relationship that you're finding difficult to eject yourself from, the last thing you need is a somewhat legitimate reason to stay tethered to her.
juniorrocha Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Why would she have to contact you? Can't she just transfer each month without you having to actually contact her? I loaned my ex some money as well (a lot less than you, but still a good amount), and I told her she could pay me however it wouldn't make things hard for her. So she paid half of the money a few days ago and is going to pay the rest next month. I suggested she could pay it in 5 months if needed, but she said she wanted to pay it all asap. Then again, it all seemed alright for me. I believe even if you contact her only for the money, it doesn't seem to be too hard. Remember that people often break up with kids and whatnot, and still they survive. 1
keiji Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 You're turning an easy matter into a complicated one. There are options: –Have her transfer the money every month. I doubt seeing a monthly deposit brings romantic memories. –Perhaps she can borrow that sum from someone else and make the full payment so you both can part ways? –When me and my ex-wife broke up, we had a 420,000-euro flat. I had invested 120,000 by then. She wanted me to leave with nothing in my pocket. After two years of extenuating battle, I sat down and established what my mental health and happiness were worth. Definitely over 120,000. I grabbed 20 grand to rent a new flat, buy furniture, etc, and got the hell out of there. Assess whether your peace of mind is worth at least 13,001. If so, give up on the money.
salparadise Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Why would she have to contact you? Can't she just transfer each month without you having to actually contact her? ^ Exactly. Tell her you have to break up for your own sanity, and you expect her to continue making payments. If she doesn't, drag her butt into court and your handwritten contract should be sufficient to get a judgement. Business is business regardless of whether you remain connected romantically/emotionally. Hopefully you can do it without going to court, but let that be her choice. Don't tell her you'd settle for half. 3
PegNosePete Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I do have a hand written agreement of her agreeing to pay me back monthly until the full amount is paid off OK, there's really 3 options you have here: 1) Do nothing, just keep accepting the small payments she is currently making. 2) Ask her to increase payments. If she says no then there's not much you can do without legal action. And, she might get annoyed that you asked and stop the current payments. If you do communicate with her, make sure it's always written, keep copies, and label all correspondence "without prejudice". In fact it's probably a good idea to seek legal advice before writing any letters to her, so you don't say something she might bring up if it ever does go to court. 3) Legal action. It's definitely worth seeing a lawyer. Laws can be very different in different jurisdictions (don't use Judge Judy for legal advice). Many lawyers will do a free half hour initial consultation and it would probably only take them 10 minutes to tell you if you have a case and whether it's worth pursuing, or not. If not, then you've lost nothing except half an hour of your time, and you can choose one of the other options above.
Author Addicted18 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Thanks for the advice, you guys. I've tried to go NC and cut her out of my life twice already, which is when I asked her if she can please try to borrow money from friends and family to pay me back and for her to pay them back instead. She told me none of them can loan her money. She got defensive when I asked her to do that. She told me she promises she will pay me back all my money eventually, it's just that she can't afford to being a single mom. Which is one of the many reasons why I need to get away from her, she lied to me about how many kids she had At this point, I'm just letting her make her payments. When I originally loaned her the money, we both agreed to the payments will be in check form so that both of us will have hard copy records of the payments so that we can keep track of how much was paid back. I did ask her to just do electronic transfer to my bank account and she said she wants to do checks only. I still want to be a part of her life because I do care a lot about her, she was never mean to me or treated me badly, it's just that I have such strong feelings for her, but I don't want to be in a relationship with her because I KNOW it's a very bad idea and I will get hurt. That's why I need to get over her. I wish I could just lose all my feelings for her and just see her as "just a friend".
BC1980 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I still want to be a part of her life because I do care a lot about her How are you going to be NC but still keep her as part of your life? With regards to the money, you might not ever get all of it back. You will probably just have to accept that. You can go NC, and only see her when she gives you the checks. Keep it all business, and don't get into any type of conversation with her Save
Author Addicted18 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 How are you going to be NC but still keep her as part of your life? With regards to the money, you might not ever get all of it back. You will probably just have to accept that. You can go NC, and only see her when she gives you the checks. Keep it all business, and don't get into any type of conversation with her Save I want to still be friends with her, but at the same time, I want to lose any romantic feelings I have for her. That's why I need to go NC for maybe 6 months hoping I will lose those feelings and only see her as a friend, nothing more. I actually had NC with her in the past for 2 months of not contacting each other at all. Then she texts me asking how I've been and it started all over again. I was back to where I was before, but now I feel worse.
amaysngrace Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 You can ask her to mail you the payments on a monthly basis like she's been doing until you're paid back. That's not too much contact really. Can you live with that?
gaig Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I still want to be a part of her life because I do care a lot about her, she was never mean to me or treated me badly, it's just that I have such strong feelings for her, but I don't want to be in a relationship with her because I KNOW it's a very bad idea and I will get hurt. That's why I need to get over her. I wish I could just lose all my feelings for her and just see her as "just a friend". If you are so sure about her, where's the problem? She will repay you at her pace.. Or aren't you..?
BC1980 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I want to still be friends with her, but at the same time, I want to lose any romantic feelings I have for her. That's why I need to go NC for maybe 6 months hoping I will lose those feelings and only see her as a friend, nothing more. I actually had NC with her in the past for 2 months of not contacting each other at all. Then she texts me asking how I've been and it started all over again. I was back to where I was before, but now I feel worse. Well, there is no time limit to loose romantic feelings, and you might never loose feelings completely. Like Amasyngrace said, can she mail you the payments? That way, you don't have to talk to her.
JuanDelToro Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Why don't you get someone else to collect the payments on your behalf? Friends, family, even a debt collecting agent (you can advise that it's a low risk debt, so they'll avoid becoming abusive). Then communicate with her the new plan and that you'll be applying NC moving forward.
Author Addicted18 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 You can ask her to mail you the payments on a monthly basis like she's been doing until you're paid back. That's not too much contact really. Can you live with that? I guess I can, but figured it would be much easier to just get the money back now and not have reminders of her. I feel that getting checks in the mail from her every month will just keep reminding me of her...
Blanco Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I guess I can, but figured it would be much easier to just get the money back now and not have reminders of her. I feel that getting checks in the mail from her every month will just keep reminding me of her... And staying "friends" with her won't keep reminding you of her? 2
Author Addicted18 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 If you are so sure about her, where's the problem? She will repay you at her pace.. Or aren't you..? I don't have a problem trusting she will pay me back, I trust that she will eventually pay me back. The problem is our relationship is very complicated, and I have romantic feelings for her, but at the same time, I'm hesitant to get into a romantic relationship with her because I wouldn't be able to fully trust she will be faithful to me. She's already lied to me about her past and some other personal things like not telling me she a young kid. She told me from the beginning she only has two kids, which both of them were in their late teens at the time. I didn't find out until 2 years later that she had a very young child. She also made it sound like she was only married to one guy and all her kids are from the same guy, but it actually turns out that all three of her kids are from three different men... She also flirts and talks to many different men. She has no female friends. All of her "friends" are men. These are some of the reasons why I don't think I would be able to trust her. The rational side of me is telling me do not get involved with her because I will get hurt, but my feelings for her are so strong that I can't get over her and just see her as a friend. We both told each other we like each other and she wants to date me, but I just can't trust her. I will always have doubts about her being faithful and truthful. This is the reason why I decided I need to go NC in hopes that I will lose all my feelings for her and just see her as a friend. I thought it might be easier for me to get over her if I didn't have any reminders of her when she has to pay me monthly. Just seeing her name on the check will remind me of her and slow down my progress of forgetting about her. But I will try to see how that will work with just getting checks in the mail and having no contact... Even when I tried to go NC in the past, it never worked. I would get major anxiety and depression if I went a few days without contacting her and just gave in and contacted her or she would end up contacting me. I hate having these feelings of anxiety and depression. I've never experienced this with anyone in my life. I don't know what it is about her that makes me feel this way. I'm a very intelligent and logical person, but it seems like when it comes to her, I turn into this stupid person who has no logic at all. I know she's not good for me, yet I still can't let go of her.
Author Addicted18 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 And staying "friends" with her won't keep reminding you of her? I don't want to be friends with her until after I've lost feelings for her. That's why I want to go NC for a while until I no longer feel anything for her, then I would like to reconnect with her and be friends again. I don't want to eliminate her from my life forever because she is a good person and I care about her. She's had a rough past and doesn't have any real friends. I just want to be there for her. It's so complicated...
anna121 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 It's pretty clear she is not able to get you that money in one go. Let's be realistic. Very few people have access to thousands of dollars, and even fewer are going to lend it to someone to basically speed up the payment of a personal loan that is already subject to an agreement. So you need to just let that go. I would end the relationship but keep getting the deposits. As you disengage over time, I highly doubt they will continue to have an impact.
Blanco Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I don't have a problem trusting she will pay me back, I trust that she will eventually pay me back. The problem is our relationship is very complicated, and I have romantic feelings for her, but at the same time, I'm hesitant to get into a romantic relationship with her because I wouldn't be able to fully trust she will be faithful to me. She's already lied to me about her past and some other personal things like not telling me she a young kid. She told me from the beginning she only has two kids, which both of them were in their late teens at the time. I didn't find out until 2 years later that she had a very young child. She also made it sound like she was only married to one guy and all her kids are from the same guy, but it actually turns out that all three of her kids are from three different men... She also flirts and talks to many different men. She has no female friends. All of her "friends" are men. These are some of the reasons why I don't think I would be able to trust her. The rational side of me is telling me do not get involved with her because I will get hurt, but my feelings for her are so strong that I can't get over her and just see her as a friend. We both told each other we like each other and she wants to date me, but I just can't trust her. I will always have doubts about her being faithful and truthful. This is the reason why I decided I need to go NC in hopes that I will lose all my feelings for her and just see her as a friend. I thought it might be easier for me to get over her if I didn't have any reminders of her when she has to pay me monthly. Just seeing her name on the check will remind me of her and slow down my progress of forgetting about her. But I will try to see how that will work with just getting checks in the mail and having no contact.. Let me cut to the chase and say that friendship with someone like this is a lousy idea, especially if you have been romantically linked in the past. She didn't respect you as a lover. She won't respect you as a friend.
gaig Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 She told me from the beginning she only has two kids, which both of them were in their late teens at the time. I didn't find out until 2 years later that she had a very young child. She also made it sound like she was only married to one guy and all her kids are from the same guy, but it actually turns out that all three of her kids are from three different men... She also flirts and talks to many different men. She has no female friends. All of her "friends" are men. Huh?? Give us some more info, what kind of story is that
Author Addicted18 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Huh?? Give us some more info, what kind of story is that Like I said earlier, it's very complicated. I'll try to keep it short. When I first met her, she told me she was divorced and has two kids, both are teenagers (she got pregnant at a young age). We did not date when we first met, we just became friends and talked. Well, as time passed, I later found out that her two teenage kids are from two different men. I figured ok, no big deal, maybe she didn't feel the need to tell me that. Well, later on, I find out that she actually has three kids, and that her third kid is around 5-6 years old, and that baby daddy is not the baby daddy of the either of her two teenage kids (he is way too young to be their baby daddy). I couldn't understand why she didn't want me to know about her youngest kid. Only thing I could think of is she was afraid it would scare me off if I knew she had a young child since I'm single with no kids? Other than that, I can't come up with a logical explanation of why she would hide that from me?
Recommended Posts