katiegrl Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Please help me i don't now what to think and how to understand this all, i don't know why he acts like this and what i do wrong and it's been making me so miserable. From my previous post: Where are your mom and dad? Or do you have any brothers or sisters? Anyone you can talk to? Please gather up all the strength you can and leave this loser. Go to your parents or to a good friend's, or to a shelter for chrissakes. Good luck sweets... 1
kendahke Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 I have been with my boyfriend almost 2 years but my boyfriend complains all the time that he's not happy with me, he tells me that being with me, talking to me, spending time with me doesn't make him happy he needs more, if i don't do something, give him something, buy him something or do something he wants me to do he's not happy, if i do he happily spends time with me and acts really lovingly and nice, if i don't he tells me it's all my fault that i don't make him happy, he says if i really loved him i would do everything for him. Wow.. that's one sentence. Does he say it like this, too? Like a tsunami? Because that's what those words feel like---I can only imagine feeling the brunt of it all of the time. No one. No. One. NO. ONE. can make anyone else happy--that's not their responsibility. You can only make yourself happy. He sounds like he wants a mama. What does "I would do everything for him" mean, exactly? Is he 3? No. He's a grown man--there are things he needs to do for himself, the main one being to grown the hell up. I always try to do everything he wishes for but it's never enough for him or he doesn't like it and then he tells me i don't even know how to do things right that i'm useless and that i don't even know what love is. You have to ask yourself: "with all of the above being the case for him, why is he with you? What does that say about him then, since he's the one with someone who is supposedly useless and doesnt' know what love is?" He looks rather dumb, then, so again, why is he with you if this is how he feels? This argument really isn't about you at all. It's about his attitude that you should be grateful he's giving you the time of day and if that doesn't offend you, I don't know what else to tell you. He also does this, when we argue about this, he gets mad if i try to rationaly explain to him that i don't even know what to do so he'd be happy, he storms off and doesn't come back for even a day and ignores my calls and messages but when he comes back he tells me i did nothing to make him come back to me, that i did nothing to make him happy when he was gone. this is my first relationship, i'm 21 please help me, i really love him but i don't know understand what to do so he would be satisfied with me How much do you love yourself, though? Not much if you've been putting up with this mess from this jerk. Relationships are not done like this. This guy is mind-effing you and because you don't realize it's being done to you, you're not equipped to deal with it. You're thinking that there is something wrong with you (there isn't). You are thinking that love is anticipating the selfish whims of emotionally abusive person as a way to finally gain favor. No, my dear. He'll always move the goal posts on you. He is overwhelming your naivety and at the same time, he's tearing down your identity and trying to kill your soul. No, sweetheart. If he's mad and can't discuss with you what his issue is, but wants to tantrum and storm off? Let him go. Don't contact him. Let him think exactly what he's going to want to think anyway, despite what you do---it's not going to be good enough. That is never going to happen--it's how the manipulation, the gas lighting and tearing down gains its foothold. When he pops back up with that BS about you did nothing to make him happy when he was gone, you tell him "yeah, you're right. And I'd like to keep it this way from now on." and honey, be done with him. This is not a healthy relationship. Please don't stay in it just because you're afraid of not having a boyfriend. Guys like this will age you before your time, so don't squander your youth on people who do not treat you with respect. 1
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Please help me i don't now what to think and how to understand this all, i don't know why he acts like this and what i do wrong and it's been making me so miserable. You are not really understanding sweetheart... Please listen to this. You will not understand this all - there is nothing to understand. He is abusive, and you need to get away from him. PLEASE talk to a parent, friend, teacher, counsellor, priest, anyone who can help you to get away from him. Who cares why he acts like this. He has chosen this behavior - and to be clear, it is not the behavior of a good man. This kind of abusive behavior is unacceptable and should not be tolerated from anyone! This man DOES NOT LOVE YOU - or he would not treat you like this! YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! This behavior is HIS BEHAVIOR! The only thing you control is your behavior... And it is YOUR CHOICE whether you stay with him and ALLOW HIM TO ABUSE YOU or leave. I hope you find help and leave this man. But, only you can make that choice. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I want you to hear this! Please listen and get away from this man. GET COUNSELLING. You have SO MUCH to learn about what makes a healthy relationship. Take care. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 If I were trying to figure this one out... I would ask questions like: "What sorts of things are you saying/doing to seemingly make it up to him after he berates you for (not being good enough somehow) ??" For it is possible that you somehow give-in/react in the same fashion to his seeming dissatisfaction with you, in the way of perhaps trying harder... and he really enjoys what you say, show, or do at those moments, so he manipulates you to bring you back to those words/actions each and every time, just to please himself. In an (easy-to-figure-out) answer, this could be as clear as your giving him oral sex... (but I'm guessing we can't so easily solve this one) Instead, it is probably going to be a case of this guy liking the seeming power he feels he has over you, once he has brought you doooooooown to a level over which he feels superior. (*it may not matter whether you yourself even feel somehow 'lower', it may be all about just how HE {lets himself finally believe that he even rates a girl like you, for convincing [at least himself] that you are finally at a level where you could be a match for someone who poooooooossibly feels himself that low } ) 2
spiderowl Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 I'm sorry but this guy doesn't deserve your love and affection. He's just selfish. It's not up to you to make him happy. The more you try to make him happy, the more selfish he will get because he will expect it. It sounds like he needs putting in his place. If you feel you can't stand up to him while you are with him, then leave the guy if you can. If you want to try to make a go of this relationship, then you need to make him respect you. You do this by treating him like a spoilt child. If he demands something, go out and do something that you enjoy and ignore his pleas. Eventually he'll get the message. Tell him you are not responsible for making him happy. There are all sorts of ways you could stand up to him and teach him to respect you, but really is he worth it? Why not get out of this relationship and find someone better. Whatever you do though, I think you'd need to learn how to expect respect from people not cater to their every demands in the hope that they will love you, otherwise you could end up repeating this kind of relationship. 1
longjohn Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Dump him in the most humiliating way possible, pop his ego he's earned it with interest. Go out find yourself a guy that's worth your time that one isn't.
Author Weirdunicorn Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 There's the thing that i usually just tell him to come back to me that i will be better, i always try to be better at everything he tells me i do and say wrong, but when he comes back to me he always says with hurt voice how much i hurt him that he cries because of me and he never does because of anyone, that he does everything for me which is not true, that i actually never fix anything that he's the one to fix everything only, that it all works only because of him, i can't talk when he talks and when i try to he tells me to be quiet (when he's mad at me he never let's me talk, he calls me horrible names and cuts me off and when i try to speak he's even more angrier and says i'm a bitch that i don't have any respect that i interrupt him), he says he does nothing wrong, it's always me who does everything wrong, he says he has to lecture me because i lack so much in everything how to do things and how to say things, he tells me i'm perfect sometimes and when he's mad he tells me i'm the worst person in the world and everything is wrong about me and calls me stupid a lot too.
True Gent Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 You are such a young girl, there is no way you need this kind of abuse from a so called boyfriend. He is not a boyfriend he is a bully! You are naive due to a lack of experience and you are believing the garbage he is telling you. Honestly everyone here is telling you the right thing, you need to get out of this abusive relationship. You do not need him, he is the worst kind of partner anyone could have. Please, please PLEASE take note of all of the posters here. He is not a good person, you deserve better. He is the one with the issues and he is a manipulating, controlling, spiteful person. He is deliberately making you feel worthless as if you you are no good without him and he's brainwashing you. You MUST beleive us here. He is the one with the problems. You really do need to beleive in yourself, he is not making you happy, he is slowly pulling your confidence and feelings of self worth apart until he feels like he has full control over you because he is a horrible prick with a major and I mean MAJOR complex of his own. The guy isn't worthy to lick your boots. Please see logic and dump him, throw him in the trash as that's exactly what he is! 1
bathtub-row Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 (edited) After generations of women becoming strong, educated and independent, it completely amazes me to hear young women such as yourself letting themselves be controlled and manipulated by some numbskull abuser. It just boggles the mind. It really does. I'll let you in on a little secret. Your worst enemy in this case is you -- particularly you trying to figure out the WHYs in this situation. Why is he like this, why isn't he happy, why? why? why? And while you're concentrating on how to fix him and fix yourself and fix this relationship, you're wasting your life on something that is UNFIXABLE. And I'll tell you another secret. "Because I love him" is never a good reason to stay with someone who treats you in such a way. Abusers cannot be fixed. And make no mistake that he's abusive in every sense of the word. I'd suggest to you that you dig deep, find your self-respect, and dump this jerk as fast as you can. Then go find something that makes you happy, that helps you discover and love yourself, and raise your expectations of men considerably. Please don't ever forget that what you bring into your home, and what you bring into your bed, is what your life will be. It's completely your call to bring greatness into your life, or complete misery. Which category do you think this guy falls into? Edited June 18, 2016 by bathtub-row 3
Gaeta Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 I love him because of the person who he is, he does make me feel loved sometimes, he tells me really beatiful things sometimes. But he also blames me for making him abuse me, he always tells me that i make him scream, that i always make him say awful things (he puts me down a lot, he puts me down in everything how i'm when he's mad at me) to me because of the way i act and what i say. He wants me to tell him every single thing i do and even when i do he tells me i don't tell him everything that i lie, he accuses me for being with guys, talking to them, sleeping with them when i don't do anything like that, i don't talk to anyone i don't even have friends. He wants me to tell him nice things about him and i've always done it but he says i don't do it the right way or that i don't say enough and when i do tell him even more he says nothing or say that i lie, he's always negative or ignorant to it and then later tells me i don't say anything nice to him or about him. He wants me to tell him what to wear and what to do but when i do he doesn't do it. He tells me i should speak only in the right times (when he thinks it's the right time not when i think it's the right time and he never tells me when is the right time) so when i think it's the right time i do but it's never right, he also tells me i'm repetetive that i say nothing new to him, that i don't do anything new, he knows i have suffered from anxiety and it used to be really bad but it's a bit better now so he blames me that when i can't do something for him it's my fault and calls me names that i should be able to do everything for him that i should forget about everything and do it from my love because when you love you do everything for that person. He always ask me "What did you do for me? What did you do to keep me with you? What did you buy me? NOTHING!" (I did but to him it only counts if he likes it), I have to be careful with literally everything around him, i've given him everything, i've given him things i gave to no one ever but i know it's nothing to him. He says it's all my fault that i'm only a liar and a player that if i really loved him unconditionally that i would do everything for him. You cannot even name one reason why you love him. Then you have 15 lines about how abusive he is to you. It's time to break up. You will cry a couple of weeks then you'll be ok. Go find a guy that will really love you and treat you special. There is NOTHING you can do to change this one. He's broken. You cannot fix him or change him. He is not a good person, he is not even nice to you. 3
stillafool Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 This guy sounds like a PIMP. He uses you for money and anything else he needs. You are a young woman who's self esteem is being destroyed by a man child. Where is your family? Get away from this guy as soon as possible. What you have is not normal and it certainly isn't love. Get into school and you will meet lots of nice guys who know how to treat a girl. Hon, don't waste anymore of your precious youth on this guy. 1
smackie9 Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Dear this is how abusers work. They get you all high on love, say nice things to capture your heart. Once they know you are weakened and won't leave, they start to pound your self esteem into the ground to control you, by saying things like "you are the reason why I'm angry or unhappy""You have to do better than this." "You are the problem." Later they are all sweet again for a little while to make you feel that high that keeps you coming back. Then the cycle of abuse begins again by putting you down, making you believe you are the cause of all his problems. Abuse isn't always about being physically struck, punched, or kicked. The worse kind is on going mental/emotional abuse. People around you don't see it because there is no physical evidence. Many suffer in silence. GET OUT NOW, LEAVE HIM. You can't fix this. 2
elaine567 Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 please help me, i really love him but i don't know understand what to do so he would be satisfied with me He will never be satisfied with you because this is NOT about satisfaction, this is about abuse and control. YOU may love him but he doesn't love you, he is not capable of loving you and your love will not fix this. Stop trying. This will just get worse and worse and the good times, the happy times that at the moment sustain you through the bad times, will become less and less. The bad is who he truly is, forget "the good", that is just a trick to keep you hooked and on board. 5
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 There's the thing that i usually just tell him to come back to me that i will be better, i always try to be better at everything he tells me i do and say wrong, but when he comes back to me he always says with hurt voice how much i hurt him that he cries because of me and he never does because of anyone, that he does everything for me which is not true, that i actually never fix anything that he's the one to fix everything only, that it all works only because of him, i can't talk when he talks and when i try to he tells me to be quiet (when he's mad at me he never let's me talk, he calls me horrible names and cuts me off and when i try to speak he's even more angrier and says i'm a bitch that i don't have any respect that i interrupt him), he says he does nothing wrong, it's always me who does everything wrong, he says he has to lecture me because i lack so much in everything how to do things and how to say things, he tells me i'm perfect sometimes and when he's mad he tells me i'm the worst person in the world and everything is wrong about me and calls me stupid a lot too. By continuing to post and ask for answers/justification for his behavior, it shows that you are not listening to the wisdom that has been offered to you in this discussion. This guy is BAD NEWS and you need to be safe and get away from him. Period! No answers, no excuse, no justification. HE WILL NEVER CHANGE and if you continue to stay with him, YOU WILL BE IN DANGER! This is the last I will post. Please listen to the advice that has been given and do what you need to do. Do what you need to do to GET AWAY FROM HIM! 3
kendahke Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 There's the thing that i usually just tell him to come back to me that i will be better, i always try to be better at everything he tells me i do and say wrong, but ...] but nothing. Stop this. Stop doing this. LET. HIM. SAD. and he can do it somewhere other than in your presence or taking up your time and data on your cell phone. No. when he comes back to me he always says with hurt voice how much i hurt him that he cries because of me No no no.... the hurt voice? Manipulation. I'll bet my paycheck that he did this mess growing up to get his way and has gotten away with it, so this is how he works women. He "cries" because that is his manipulation game with women. What grown man in his right mind sits up and cries over imagined infractions of someone he basically says is beneath him? He has invented the role you're supposed to play and when you don't he punishes you. Except, as I said before: HE KEEPS MOVING THE GOAL POSTS, so you're never, ever going to do anything right with this guy. Do you live with this clown?
kendahke Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 And I have to agree wholeheartedly with BaileyB... we've all pretty much been in unison about what the problem is. None of us can talk sense into him for you--he's old enough to pull up his big boy pants by now. If he chooses not to because it helps him to get over on the girl he's in a relationship with and he's not the one who is here asking for help, then there's nothing we can say to make him to what you want. If you don't inspire honorable treatment in a man, then you need to leave him alone. He's not a renovation project and you need to stop this monologue of what is a "good girlfriend" that you're using to tear yourself down. All that stuff he's talking about you need to do? That's called "taking instruction on how to be a doormat" and you have to admire your nature inclination to resist---this a good thing because deep down, you know you're worth way better than what you're getting from him. So I hope that you are reading what people are taking time to write to you and really understanding what is being said to you over and over. I don't think you will find anyone who will encourage you to stay with this clown.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 There's the thing that i usually just tell him to come back to me that i will be better, i always try to be better at everything he tells me i do and say wrong, but when he comes back to me he always says with hurt voice how much i hurt him that he cries because of me and he never does because of anyone, that he does everything for me which is not true, that i actually never fix anything that he's the one to fix everything only, that it all works only because of him, i can't talk when he talks and when i try to he tells me to be quiet (when he's mad at me he never let's me talk, he calls me horrible names and cuts me off and when i try to speak he's even more angrier and says i'm a bitch that i don't have any respect that i interrupt him), he says he does nothing wrong, it's always me who does everything wrong, he says he has to lecture me because i lack so much in everything how to do things and how to say things, he tells me i'm perfect sometimes and when he's mad he tells me i'm the worst person in the world and everything is wrong about me and calls me stupid a lot too. This is pure "manipulation"... instead of continuing to berate you for (whateveritisyouaresupposedtoTHINKyouhavedonewrong), an appropriate partner would be showing some vulnerability as well in an attempt to inspire SMALL and SUBTLE changes for the good of the partnership. This guy is just drumming it into your head that (2 plus 2 is effectively FIVE {when he is around} ) and you in turn are slowly convincing yourself that 2 plus 2 is five and then wondering why you don't get it each time it resurfaces. I mean, here, try this test: AFTER one of your many supposed WRONGS... consider only the interactions you have then/afterward... and observe carefully whether the bulk of his sentences begin with "YOU...!" ... or whether they begin with "I ..." (as in, him saying "I want...", "I need...", "I wish for...") Any relationship is going to have arguments, and times where one partner hurts the other somehow, but most relationships repair themselves because each partner sincerely communicates what is wrong, only in an interest to reverse/right the wrong and NOT to belittle and humiliate the other person. After you've done that test above... IF your observation is that the vast majority of his sentences begin with "YOU did this...", "YOU did that...", "YOU are wrong because..." then just D.T.M.F.A. !!
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