Katie3 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Long ago I made the policy to myself to never message a man first on tinder. I figure if he couldn't get around to messaging me, he probably didn't care. I also know men hate being pursued (or they say they don't but subconsciously they still don't value you as much) so I figure even sending a tinder intro is probably pursuit. However tinder has changed. While in the old days there were lots of messages, now there's only 1 for every 10-20 matches. I don't look anymore like a troll than I use to, either, so that's not it. Anyways. I matched with a guy I vaguely know. We work near each other some times (but not for the same company, and not often), so I've met him 10 or so times. A couple people I work with have tried to set me up with him, too. Anyways, we matched, but he hasn't said anything. We matched 2 days ago, and I saw him today, and he was friendlier, and there's some vibe like he knows something I know now that we didn't know before (so I'm assuming it's tinder), but he's REALLY quiet, and hasn't said anything. Is it ever worth reaching out? At worst I could get a friend out of the deal, right? But if a man is interested, won't he say something?
dumbass2 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Long ago I made the policy to myself to never message a man first on tinder. I figure if he couldn't get around to messaging me, he probably didn't care. I also know men hate being pursued (or they say they don't but subconsciously they still don't value you as much) so I figure even sending a tinder intro is probably pursuit. However tinder has changed. While in the old days there were lots of messages, now there's only 1 for every 10-20 matches. I don't look anymore like a troll than I use to, either, so that's not it. Anyways. I matched with a guy I vaguely know. We work near each other some times (but not for the same company, and not often), so I've met him 10 or so times. A couple people I work with have tried to set me up with him, too. Anyways, we matched, but he hasn't said anything. We matched 2 days ago, and I saw him today, and he was friendlier, and there's some vibe like he knows something I know now that we didn't know before (so I'm assuming it's tinder), but he's REALLY quiet, and hasn't said anything. Is it ever worth reaching out? At worst I could get a friend out of the deal, right? But if a man is interested, won't he say something? Depends on the type of man you are looking for. If you want the aggressive/assertive type, a man that takes charge, then this guy is probably not for you. He's either not interested in you or is just more introverted then maybe most men you've dealt with. It doesn't make him a bad guy at all, just not assertive and if that is a trait that is important in a man for you, then he doesn't seem to be it.
joseb Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Who matched first? If you swiped on him and he matched immediately, then I think it's more on you to send the first message. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Depends on the type of man you are looking for. If you want the aggressive/assertive type, a man that takes charge, then this guy is probably not for you. He's either not interested in you or is just more introverted then maybe most men you've dealt with. It doesn't make him a bad guy at all, just not assertive and if that is a trait that is important in a man for you, then he doesn't seem to be it. Agree with this. When I was briefly on OLD (not Tinder), I didn't send messages first. Heck, I didn't even really browse profiles. Some people might call that lazy but that wasn't it. First, I didn't want to spend much time on the site (besides the point) and second, I wanted a guy with a masculine mindset and confidence to go after what he wanted. I like a man who leads. So I let men pursue me. And what did I get? What I wanted. 1
Author Katie3 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Who matched first? If you swiped on him and he matched immediately, then I think it's more on you to send the first message. I swiped right first. The match came a couple hours later, so I assume he matched second. He's SUPER quiet.
grays Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I've messaged guys on tinder with good results. I have come around to a position similar to cinnamonstix's tho. I am very assertive myself, but I hate always wondering if they're going along w it just bc why not of if they're really into me. I want them to show that they're really into me. But in your case, OP, I kinda think you should go for it. Sounds to me like he's just a little shy.
Gaeta Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I have never used Tinder but I think the principal is the same on any dating sites. I've never had problems messaging men first and to me it didn't mean I was the pursuer. I messaged him to show my interest and they picked up from there. You got to decide how much you want to meet someone and put in the efforts. If I had sat there and wait for men to message me than I would have only met players. The most interesting men I met I was the one initiating first contact.
Kofybean Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) ...I figure if he couldn't get around to messaging me, he probably didn't care.... I take it, by your logic, since you didn't message him either... you don't care? Edited June 16, 2016 by Kofybean 1
Author Katie3 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 After this encouragement I messaged him. Not overly flirty, but something banter-y. We wrote back and forth 3-4 times. He hasn't asked any questions about me, or indicated any interest, and now he hasn't responded in hours. Maybe he just swiped right because we knew each other.
joseb Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 After this encouragement I messaged him. Not overly flirty, but something banter-y. We wrote back and forth 3-4 times. He hasn't asked any questions about me, or indicated any interest, and now he hasn't responded in hours. Maybe he just swiped right because we knew each other. Yip, thats possible too. I don't think you lost anything by messaging him.
Mrin Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 As a dude with a good profile pic (it really was) I spent a fair share of time on Tinder. Mainly out of boredom. I used to get get tons of matches. I would message up five or so and see what happened. Two thoughts for you: 1. You were right to message him first. Don't second guess yourself on that. 2. If he doesn't engage, don't take it personally. He might be bored. He might be distracted. Or he might be skeezing on a bunch of other women looking for low strings/no strings sex. I remember this red head flight attendant from British Airways... yeah... LOL.
Author Katie3 Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 As a dude with a good profile pic (it really was) I spent a fair share of time on Tinder. Mainly out of boredom. I used to get get tons of matches. I would message up five or so and see what happened. Two thoughts for you: 1. You were right to message him first. Don't second guess yourself on that. 2. If he doesn't engage, don't take it personally. He might be bored. He might be distracted. Or he might be skeezing on a bunch of other women looking for low strings/no strings sex. I remember this red head flight attendant from British Airways... yeah... LOL. Thanks. I don't really think he's trolling for droves of women--I know him in person, and he's not suave enough for that. He's just QUIET. Like you could tell him the building is on fire and he wouldn't likely say anything! Everyone has questioned him about this. It's just his nature. When asked questions he will respond, or he will say hello on his own, but then it's like he doesn't know what to say after that to continue the convo. Last night, his replies were pleasant, as were mine, but I didn't ask him any questions, and after my last response, it stopped all together. I'm not sure if it's because I wasn't asking him a question to continue the conversation, or because he just doesn't care enough to try. Someone did comment today that he apparently was staring at me yesterday (this person has no idea of tinder), so I was correct about the vibe.
SwordofFlame Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Well do you even want to date a really quiet introverted and maybe even shy guy? Because if so, it looks like you're going to have put in most of the effort, at least initially here.
Author Katie3 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 Spent quite a bit of time with him at work today. And he talked. Quite a bit. Even asked me some questions about myself. I managed to convince him to do something that's my job (he knows this, yet still did it, standing there with me). He also offered to bring me lunch when he left for his own lunch break. He's definitely not rude. So, in the spirit of me liking to get uncertain things over with quickly, even to just move on, how long before I should assume he's just not interested? And just assume the tinder match and the staring were a fluke?
BrainMangler Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 Honestly I would just give it a week. I'm super quiet too but I don't think thats the problem. I usually message girls in sets of 6 or 7. I wait until I get that about that many matches and then fire off a "sup" with all 7. I do this mainly because it saves time (I get all the messaging done at once).
hippychick3 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 My take on it is he may find you attractive but is not interested enough to pursue a date with you. His lack of initiative and assertiveness would be very unattractive to me.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted June 20, 2016 Posted June 20, 2016 My take on it is he may find you attractive but is not interested enough to pursue a date with you. His lack of initiative and assertiveness would be very unattractive to me. Yup, just like most Women's perspectives, because to them, going for what you want or going after what you want is a masculine thing
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