cheryl1 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) Hello all, My ex broke up with me last year. It was a LDR. Basically I could tell we were done the moment I told him I was leaving for a 2 year masters program abroad. He had been back home 6 months since he got back from a 1 year masters program and shortly I had to leave. He didn't even try whatsoever to make the relationship work. After months of constant emotional torture from him, he finally told me "we should move forward". I let him be immediately with all the heart ache and asked him to respect my space as I did his. I declined to be friends and hinted perhaps in the future and began my recovery. It is 13 and half months today since I shut him out completely. I never chased after him, called, begged, responded to any texts or calls from him. I understand he started seeing someone right after. We are colleagues sadly so I will have to face him when I get back. He started calling me the third month after I had gone silent and until now he is still trying to call and send me texts to which I do not respond. I got an interesting text from him last week after his call went unanswered "Hi Cheryl. Your still angry?I know you like this quiet game and I apologize if I betrayed you but silence doesn't really help much from my experience. I really want our friendship back, so please call back buddy ". Not exactly sure what he wants considering I have never responded to him to encourage any further communication. I will be done with my studies in a few months and will be back home. Could this be the reason he is really trying to get back into my life hoping for a chance? Apparently he mentioned to a mutual friend that he has hope we shall get back. Any thoughts? Thank you Edited June 15, 2016 by cheryl1 typing errors
Els Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Do you WANT to get back with him? Personally I'd just ignore him.
Author cheryl1 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Hi Elswyth, Thank you for the response. Well, I am comfortable with the way things are now so just like you advised, I will ignore it all.
smudge21 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 You can't know what is going on in his head, so don't try to presume anything. Don't do things just because you wonder how he'll react. Do what is right for you. If you want to be friends with him and can handle that, then do so, but make it clear that's all it ever will be. If things appear to have changed and he's more keen, then see how you feel about that at the time. We can all make plans however about how we're going to be around an ex, but until that happens, we don't know how we're going to feel and react. I think you're doing fine and are just nervous about seeing him after so long. I've been there and when I did meet her again, it was weird to realise that I had fully healed as I no longer cared.
Frank13 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 "Hi Cheryl. Your still angry?I know you like this quiet game and I apologize if I betrayed you but silence doesn't really help much from my experience. I really want our friendship back, so please call back buddy ". Not exactly sure what he wants considering I have never responded to him to encourage any further communication. He wants the friendship back and called you buddy (to make it clear friendship is all he wants). No one wants to be friends with someone who they have more than friend feelings for that doesn't feel the same, so to me he doesn't want to get back together. If you are over him and want the friendship then contact him. If you still have feelings or just don't want him as a firend stay no contact. Personally, I won't be friends until I no longer care about that person and since I no longer care about that person, I no longer care about the friendship. In other words, never.
Frank13 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 We can all make plans however about how we're going to be around an ex, but until that happens, we don't know how we're going to feel and react. I think you're doing fine and are just nervous about seeing him after so long. I've been there and when I did meet her again, it was weird to realise that I had fully healed as I no longer cared. Prior to meeting her again did you feel you still cared and weren't healed? Or did you feel you healed and no longer cared and meeting her just confirmed it?
Author cheryl1 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Thank you Smudge21 and Frank13.... Smudge21 you are right, I am doing so much better and yeah I guess I am thinking a lot about the awkwardness when I see him after all this time. Hopefully by the time I actually meet him I will be fully healed and no longer care like you did. Frank13..."Personally, I won't be friends until I no longer care about that person and since I no longer care about that person, I no longer care about the friendship. In other words, never." That made so much sense too lol.... Woke up to this text from him yet again this morning; "Hey Cheryl. I hope your doing great. I just wanted to say hi, we are (were) buddies. You once said you were the mature one in such situations...but your refusing to pick up my calls buddy. Eventually you will get over it because I really want to keep talking to you despite what happened cheers." Mmm hmm Well I know for sure I will keep moving on. Talking to him if ever will happen organically like you both mentioned when I get to that point of indifference but until then I won't reach out. Interesting though why he just can't get the hint. Does my silence towards him perhaps mean something different?
smudge21 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Interesting though why he just can't get the hint. Does my silence towards him perhaps mean something different? Ha, they never do. I reckon those that leave, they are the ones in control. It's only once we have been hurt suddenly stop responding to their breadcrumbs do they lose that control, that power. Then the truth hits them and they start reaching out. My ex did that. Initially I entertained the breadcrumbs, even built up hope over them. But over time I realised they were just her seeing if I was still hanging around, waiting for her. When I stopped responding, she increased the contact. Eventually it stopped but by then, I no longer cared. All those breadcrumbs and stupid little messages ("hi, how are you? long time no hear. I'm just shopping etc..") just made me lose any respect I may have once had for her. She no longer became that person I truly loved and instead someone I just felt sorry for. Not someone I wanted in my life. Yeah, dumpers that reach out after they've walked away are just f'ing odd. 1
Trinity7 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I feel like those texts and the purposeful and repeated use of the term "buddy" would piss me off.. It would be nice to not have to have awkwardness when you work together, but really, beyond that, would his friendship add anything to your life? If he's interested in being more than friends when you return (if that's even something you want) he's going to have to be more direct than that and try a lot harder in my opinion. Hope it works out in whatever way is best for you x
Toodaloo Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Get one of your male friends to call him up and tell him he has the wrong number. This guy is not getting the very unsubtle hint is he. Your ex is a tool. Stay away. 1
Neffer Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) Just continue to ignore him and live your life. His texts and messages are very pushy and aggressive; clearly you don't want to be his "buddy" (that is a very annoying word for a grown person to use for a former partner/love interest. ) and yet he persists. Long after a normal person would have taken the hint. Actually, he sounds smug and condescending - as if you are being overly emotional/silly to not want to be in his life. As if he is being the more emotionally mature one in this scenario that he is perpetuating. His referring to your "quiet game" is particularly annoying - NC is not a game. He is trying to invalidate your choice to distance yourself. Yoou have the right to live your life as you please. I agree that he is somehow trying to gain an upperhand here - in a game you are not playing. He does come across as a bully. Just do as you have been doing.You may run into him, but he is at best an acquaintance at this point, no need to elevate contact. You don't have to be "friends" with someone who is not a friend. He needs to move on. Edited June 16, 2016 by Neffer
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