Marco1 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Hey guys/girls Why do ex's want to stay friends? I heard that they feel guilty breaking up with you and it helps them feel better which I get but with my ex it seems different. Basically we split up about a month ago, it was a calm breakup no arguing/insulting or anything we split up because she isnt in love with me anymore (fair enough) I tried to change her mind a little for a week after but quickly realised it wasn't happening, probably for the whole month she hasn't cared about contacting me or anything I had to do it or we wouldn't talk, and she didn't seem to care about staying friends or not.. But now a month after the breakup, I have been NC for the last 2 weeks and now shes liked my photo on social media and messaging me trying to start a convo? I told her I wasn't interested in friendship at the moment and maybe in the future who knows but she didn't take it too well, got really stroppy and blunt and ended it with "ok" Why would she suddenly change her mind from not caring if we ever talk again to a month later suddenly wanting to stay friends? I don't want her back, whats done is done and I am moving on which is the whole point of me being in NC now but im just curious how they can change their mind on a friendship like that. I know from my experience being the dumper that I never really cared if me and an ex stayed friends if im honest... Just curious how/why they go from being so cold and blunt in messages to you after a breakup to suddenly friendly convo starters.. Thanks 2
Alamo657 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Hey guys/girls Why do ex's want to stay friends? I heard that they feel guilty breaking up with you and it helps them feel better which I get but with my ex it seems different. Basically we split up about a month ago, it was a calm breakup no arguing/insulting or anything we split up because she isnt in love with me anymore (fair enough) I tried to change her mind a little for a week after but quickly realised it wasn't happening, probably for the whole month she hasn't cared about contacting me or anything I had to do it or we wouldn't talk, and she didn't seem to care about staying friends or not.. But now a month after the breakup, I have been NC for the last 2 weeks and now shes liked my photo on social media and messaging me trying to start a convo? I told her I wasn't interested in friendship at the moment and maybe in the future who knows but she didn't take it too well, got really stroppy and blunt and ended it with "ok" Why would she suddenly change her mind from not caring if we ever talk again to a month later suddenly wanting to stay friends? I don't want her back, whats done is done and I am moving on which is the whole point of me being in NC now but im just curious how they can change their mind on a friendship like that. I know from my experience being the dumper that I never really cared if me and an ex stayed friends if im honest... Just curious how/why they go from being so cold and blunt in messages to you after a breakup to suddenly friendly convo starters.. Thanks Sarcasm : Because you might be useful someday when she feels lonely. Wisdom : if someone is not a bad person, is/was meaningful to you, but just someone you won't be having a romantic relationship with, why not keep him/her as a friend ?
gaig Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Maybe the new was not so exciting in the end, so as of now you are the best alternative?? Not trying to tear your heart apart, but there is a chance for that. I might also think that if my ex appears again now (she also claimed her feelings have changed)
Author Marco1 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Sarcasm : Because you might be useful someday when she feels lonely. Wisdom : if someone is not a bad person, is/was meaningful to you, but just someone you won't be having a romantic relationship with, why not keep him/her as a friend ? Yeah I get that, but why go from nearly a month of coldness/bluntness not caring what I do to suddenly wanting me there as a friend? @ Gaig Haha its fine, yeah maybe she left me for someone else and that isn't what it seemed who knows. Whatever, im not willing to be her friend till I can honestly look at her with someone else and think "good for them" 1
Frank13 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Yeah I get that, but why go from nearly a month of coldness/bluntness not caring what I do to suddenly wanting me there as a friend? It took a month for her to start missing you. That's why. Doesn't mean she is back in love with you or wants a relationship. I'd stay no contact. 3
Giggles666 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I tend to agree, it is the idea that they hurt less or don't feel as bad about dumping their partner. I also think in this case your ex might want to have your attention and or keep you as backup. I also think it's tough to be friends right after a breakup maybe with time. I tried it with someone I was friends with for a long time before dating....ended in disaster, no longer even friendly. It's a tough spot. If you need time to heal stay no contact.
Author Marco1 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 It took a month for her to start missing you. That's why. Doesn't mean she is back in love with you or wants a relationship. I'd stay no contact. Thank you, this is what I was kinda thinking. I understand it doesn't mean she is back in love or wants me back though. Going to stay NC, thanks @ Giggles666 - Yeah I know for sure i'm not ready to be her friend yet, I mean for 2 weeks after the breakup she couldn't see me in person or even speak to me on the phone? Maybe she was enjoying my texts telling her how perfect she was though. So I left her to get on with it, at that time I was thinking friends would be a good idea but really I think I just wanted her back so much anything to be closer to her would have helped. Im now a month down the line and see that friends wont work right now and NC is definetly best for me to heal before I even consider anything with her Thank you I don't get how dumpers claim to still have feelings for the one they dumped but can just turn the switch to friends that easy. I mean I get the dumper has already gone through a lot of the breakup before ending it and gets over it a lot quicker than the dumpee but still if you loved that person at one point how do you adjust to friends so quick?
KBarletta Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Thank you, this is what I was kinda thinking. I understand it doesn't mean she is back in love or wants me back though. Going to stay NC, thanks I don't get how dumpers claim to still have feelings for the one they dumped but can just turn the switch to friends that easy. I mean I get the dumper has already gone through a lot of the breakup before ending it and gets over it a lot quicker than the dumpee but still if you loved that person at one point how do you adjust to friends so quick? I'd say she either wants to relieve some of the guilt of hurting you, or keep you as a back-burner option, or both. I'd say stick to NC. But I'd also say that if you are still in touch via social media (her liking your photos, etc.), you're not really in strict NC. If you want to keep these questions from coming up in the future, I'd delete her from your social media platforms as well.
DKT3 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 It's been nailed here already. As long as your contacting her she knows your still an option, once you stopped she feels the need to reel you back in.. 2
Chi townD Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) A lot of that is guilt motivated. She knows she dumped you and she knows she is responsible for hurting you. The one thing with girls is that MOST girls hate the fact that there might be someone on this planet that hates them or doesn't think they are not a good person. So, she would love nothing more than to ease her own guilt. She would love to say to herself, "Oh look! We're broke up, but we're still cool with each other! I guess the break up was for the best afterall!" And once that guilt is eased, you're back to the curb! Dude, her wanting to be friends is totally for her benefit and not for you! Edited June 15, 2016 by Chi townD 1
Author Marco1 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Thanks everyone for the replies ! @ KBarletta - I agree, I have her and so much of her family on my facebook (aunts,uncles,nans,brothers,parents) I didn't really want to delete them all as her mum especially has been good to me so it was hard at first, I have however de activated my facebook for now and don't plan on using it for a while, was kinda getting bored of it anyway I guess its part of my change too eh haha. @DKT3 - Why do they do this? She ended it, she seemed atleast for the first month completely happy with her decision surely once you end it with someone your kinda glad to see the back of them when they back off so you can get on with your life? @Chi townD - I definitely agree it's usually down to some kind of guilt ease but why did it take her a month to finally care about this "guilt" and stop being cold and blunt. Because quiet honestly when I spoke to her 2 weeks after breakup she came across as a completely different person, heartless kind of. I was ok with it and understand that's part of "not wanting someone" anymore but what changed 2 weeks later :/? It's like with her recent contact she was back to the normal person again but 2 weeks ago it was somebody else lol. I know she doesn't want to reconcile or anything I'm not getting at that, it's over ive accepted that. Just trying to understand what switched in her head from "idc if we ever speak again" to "im going to start contact, then get annoyed and blunt when you tell me you don't want it"
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 As everyone else said, guilt is a big motivator. No one wants to think that they hurt another person to the point that the person won't speak to them. So it's not motivated so much for your well being, but it's motivated from a place of wanting to feel like they are a good person. The problem is that you can't go through life and never hurt another person. We have all done it, but attempting a "friendship" doesn't fix that. Truth be told, it's healthy to completely part ways when you end things. It's usually unhealthy to keep attachments to an ex unless you are truly indifferent. Also, bear in mind that she can be friends with you because her feelings have lessened. It doesn't hurt her to be friends with you or see you moving on. It might hurt a little but not in the way it would hurt you. Her definition of friend is probably different than how you would define a friendship with one of your buddies. She probably just wants to keep you on good terms. She wants to make sure you are okay and like her because that makes it easy for her to go on with her life. She wants to keep you at arm's length. You will probably fade away form each other over time, which is natural. I don't think that most people are fully conscious when doing these things, so I'm saying she is out there plotting all of this. She probably doesn't think deeply enough about it to even understand why she is doing it. 1
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 It's been nailed here already. As long as your contacting her she knows your still an option, once you stopped she feels the need to reel you back in.. Another reason I forgot. The ego boost. It feels nice to have another person around who would readily jump at the chance to be with you. It's kind of hard to let that go.
DKT3 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Guilt would have forced her to contact him within the month that she ignored him. I really don't think it's guilt. Secondly it more likely that she was at least interested in another guy which is why she went dark on him, it didn't pan out, he was contacting her so she placed herself in front of him without doing so directly. 1
dichotomy Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Keeping you on a string, power, or just selfishness. I don't generally believe in remaining friends with someone - particularity if it was a one sided breakup after a sexual relationship. Also ex's are a source of cheating in many new relationships.
sooshi Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I don't have anything new to add to what others have said. What's important right now is what you want. It seems that you aren't interested in a friendship, and even if you are, like BC said, her idea of a friendship might not resemble yours. If you think having a friendship with her is a good idea, you would have to consider that and ask yourself if that would be okay for you.
Author Marco1 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Thank you everyone for the replies! I can honestly say I do not want a friendship with this girl, like some of you have said it's not even a genuine friendship. I am happy sticking to NC and letting us drift further apart. There is not one ex from my past that I can honestly say yeah shes a friend, so I want it to stay that way. As for the guilt I really don't know, she knew how heartbroken/shocked I was when she ended it so surely if there was guilt it would have been almost instant, it seems strange that the guilt has suddenly come when I stopped talking to her, I even told her I had no dislike to her atall and we ended on good terms so its not even as though she could be thinking "he doesn't even like me or now he hates me" She knew I accepted it after a week or two and just wanted to get on with my life. I even remember saying to her, Im going to disappear from your life for a while until im over it. She actually replied "Ok I respect that" and then when I finally disappear for a while she feels the need to contact me. I think DKT3 is right in some sense, for only the last 1-1.5 month of the relationship did she completely change (became more distant) So I would agree that possibly this was the time she met/started to talk to someone else which would explain hardly caring about me after the break up as she was too busy messaging him. Maybe now that didn't work out and shes left with nobody/no attention and wants it back from me (telling her how special she is bla bla) But yeah thanks all for your replies I appreciate them, im 10000% staying in NC though either way
smudge21 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Similar here - went distant on me, so I did the same... and then month later comes back with the usual thing. You gave her the perfect answer of saying you don't want to be her friend. It's so true that people don't realise what they have until it's gone. Sadly though, by the time they reach out for it again, it's too late, as in your case. She had her chance and blew it. You're someone else's prize now.
Frank13 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Another thing besides the guilt. Sometimes people just don't like the finality of "We'll never see or talk to each other ever again". By playing the "friends card", in their mind they don't close that door completely, even if they really have no intention of seeing or talking to the other person again. Other times they just don't want the awkwardness when seeing the other person in public so they use the "let's be friends" line.
Author Marco1 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 I know she's not in love with me or wants me back. But I definetely feel already she's doubting her decision which I guess is normal for a dumper. Way I see it what's over is over and you move on. If someone is meant to be in your life they will turn up at some point
BC1980 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I even remember saying to her, Im going to disappear from your life for a while until im over it. She actually replied "Ok I respect that" and then when I finally disappear for a while she feels the need to contact me. It can be easy to say you are going to disappear from a person's life. She could easily agree. But when that reality actually starts to play out, people feel differently and might want to try to renegotiate the terms. Emotions change over time. Especially in the immediate aftermath of a breakup, emotions aren't going to be stable. Save
KBarletta Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I agree, I have her and so much of her family on my facebook (aunts,uncles,nans,brothers,parents) I didn't really want to delete them all as her mum especially has been good to me so it was hard at first, I have however de activated my facebook for now and don't plan on using it for a while, was kinda getting bored of it anyway I guess its part of my change too eh haha. I had this same issue when I split with my ex. And I also took a lengthy break from social media when we split. But when I returned, I deleted and blocked her everywhere, and I would recommend that you do the same, or else this situation will come up again. While I did not delete every one of her family members from my social media, I did pick and choose. Her closest friends got the ax, sadly. Others, with whom I had formed my own relationships outside of my marriage, I kept. Others, I simply "muted" or stopped following so we stayed friends but I wasn't constantly looking at their posts. It's a fine line to walk, but I would definitely delete and block her. I wish you the best - I know it's not easy! Hang in there.
aTadConfused Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 (edited) For me, when I've come to the decision in my mind to end a relationship, it's because something between you and I isn't working. Something you did hurt me. And theres no other way to fix it. I'm hurt and my heart is breaking because I know it's the only option. The relationship is beyond repair. And there's literally a physical pain in my chest, so bad and indescribable. When the end is real, and not just a passing thought anymore . I think I would be cold in any correspondance we had immediately after the breakup. I would be mad and hurting at the same time. Then a month or two down the road, that wouldn't be an open wound anymore. I would be able to talk to you without that pain, and it could be the way we talked before. That is only if I truly, deeply loved you. I'm sorry, I hope that made sense. It's most likely that she's is not purposefully being cold or short with you. it's out of heartbreak. Edited June 17, 2016 by aTadConfused Spelling
Author Marco1 Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 Well she didn't really respect my decision not too be friends for too long... Got a message last night while I was out saying she missed talking me and wanted to see me. Such a head ****
BC1980 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Well she didn't really respect my decision not too be friends for too long... Got a message last night while I was out saying she missed talking me and wanted to see me. Such a head **** Why don't you block her?
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