elenaadarna Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) Boyfriend of 2 years and I have been fighting a lot lately because he has been distant, inconsiderate of my feelings, things like that. Way opposite of the man I knew. Recently he told me that it is because his feelings for me have changed. He said he still loves me and is trying to get those feelings back. He is 33 and I am 28. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I don't know if I can stay with someone who I know doesn't feel as strongly for me as I thought he did. He said it changed about A YEAR (!) ago when I found out about a huge secret he was keeping from me. We talked, I understood why he did it and I forgave him and didn't think any less of him. I thought we were okay, but I've just found out that that wasn't the case. His distance and the fighting started back in March and he confessed this to me just this week. So why is it my fault that his feelings changed? He was the one keeping a secret. Was it because I was too forgiving? There was no snooping involved, I found out completely by accident. I didn't yell or get angry, but we did take a few days' break so I could process things. Yet I forgave him. So why did his perception of me change? I guess I'm looking for a psychological explanation because it makes zero sense to me. I don't know what our status is now either. Don't know if we're broken up or taking a break or what. Feel like he has been fooling me for the past year, making plans for the future and such when he knew his feelings for me weren't in line with those plans or his words actions. he didn't say a thing about it and didn't start acting out until just a few months ago. Up until then he was still so sweet and loving to me. Has anyone else been in this position where their SO's feelings changed, but says he still loves you and is trying to get those feelings back? Do they ever come back? Edited June 15, 2016 by elenaadarna
PegNosePete Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I don't think we can really help you unless you can tell us what the secret was?
Toodaloo Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Perhaps by revealing that secret he now feels less of a man or perhaps your behaviour towards him has changed with out you realising it? Its like women who say they forgive affairs but then spy on their partners or bring it up all the time or get nasty when they go out with female friends. Its a subconscious thing that they do not realise they are doing... I have been the one who had feelings change. No they didn't come back. I tried quietly for around 6 months with one and around 4-5 years with the other. Either way you need to speak to him calmly and rationally. You need to ask him these questions. We do not know enough to be able to try and even guess for you. 1
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I also think since you know his big secret he lost his pride in your eyes. He sees himself as less of a man and his feelings changes. Men are built differently in some ways. They need to feel 'men' to be able to love. Strip them of their self-worth, pride, ego, and the love is gone. Or He lost pride in you. If ever you forgave something incredibly unforgivable he simply lost respect in you and his feelings changed. I personally think you should break up and both be on your own for a while. 1
smackie9 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 When someone does a 180, it usually means they have an interest in someone else. He's not going to tell you this so he will put up a smoke screen and make you believe it's because of something else.
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Agree with Gaeta. Like if his secret was he had a gay experience as a kid, or even as an adult, for example, your finding out caused him embarrassment and he feels less a man in your eyes. This could cause him to close himself off and shut down. Don't know what the secret was, just used that as an example. But no matter what the secret was, same premise. He shut down after you found out.
Lorenza Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 His pride was hurt and he started acting distant a year after that happened? Have to agree with Smackie here, sounds like a distraction
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) His pride was hurt and he started acting distant a year after that happened? Have to agree with Smackie here, sounds like a distraction I think there is another woman NOW which is why he is distant now. But he told her he started shutting down a year ago, which could be true as well..... It's only now he is distant and wants out cuz he met another woman.... OP, I do believe he on his way out..... wants you to end it though... Sorry.... Edited June 15, 2016 by katiegrl
Author elenaadarna Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Thanks everyone. The secret was financial. Found out he is in a lot of debt. I don't judge him for it, but I did take the short break because I felt like I had been lied to, like he made himself out to be someone he is not. He also made all these plans regarding our future that were clearly not possible with the amount of debt he was in. None of this makes sense to me at all.
Author elenaadarna Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 I think there is another woman NOW which is why he is distant now. But he told her he started shutting down a year ago, which could be true as well..... It's only now he is distant and wants out cuz he met another woman.... OP, I do believe he on his way out..... wants you to end it though... Sorry.... No, he was distant a few months ago. I called him out on it and that was when we started fighting. He said fighting pushed him away even more, but he has since tried to keep working it out. Obviously things weren't the same, so we had a heart to heart and he finally confessed the whole change of feelings recently. He doesn't want me to end it. He said he loves me still and is trying to get all those feelings back. I was the one who said I don't know if I can stay with someone who lost feelings for me. His response was that he doesn't want me to walk away
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 the whole change of feelings recently. He doesn't want me to end it. He said he loves me still He loves you or he doesn't, he needs to make up his mind. Does he mean he is not in love with you anymore?
Author elenaadarna Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 He loves you or he doesn't, he needs to make up his mind. Does he mean he is not in love with you anymore? He meant the closeness, being lovey dovey and sweet, putting me first, feeling the desire to tell me about everything, planning date nights, always coming to my rescue, things like that.
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 He meant the closeness, being lovey dovey and sweet, putting me first, feeling the desire to tell me about everything, planning date nights, always coming to my rescue, things like that. Is this his first serious relationship? because it's normal after 2 years to not always be lovey dovey over each other, normal he has other activities than being with you, normal he confines in friends and not always in you. You've reached the grown up world, the world where people have to express their love between dirty dishes and laundry. What he means I think is that his butterflies have settle down. Thank goodness they do settle down at some point. At first love is like a rush in your vein then it changes into something peaceful but constant and solid.
kendahke Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 He said he loves me still and is trying to get all those feelings back. I was the one who said I don't know if I can stay with someone who lost feelings for me. His response was that he doesn't want me to walk away Then he needs to start feeling like he used to feel and get those feelings back already--like today. Otherwise, he's doing a slow-drip fade out of your life. If he wants you in it, then he needs to act like a man who wants you in his life.
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