Dating my buddies ex/kidsmom

[dpass]

I am 34 and I'm dating a woman who is 29. We have been dating for 5 months and are exclusive. She has a 7 year old child, I have no children. She was with the father for 5 years and they split up 6 years ago. Here's the catch, he's buddy of mine. We've been close friends for 15 years. He's actually the one who set it up. He's married and happy, they are good co-parents and have a good relationship. He said he thought we'd be a good match.

 

Today we went out to a movie and my buddy/her ex was there with some other friends. It was insanely awkward. More awkward than I ever would have imagined it to be. He seemed fine but I felt so out of place. I found myself stopping holding her hand and acting affectionate towards her.

 

The second issue is that usually I'd talk about my relationships, good or bad, with him. We're very close friends and often use each other to vent. I feel like I can't do that with her, because of their history. I feel like I'm always watching what I'm saying. He doesn't ask anything other than "how's it going?"

 

The third issue is their child, who I've known since birth. He knows me as his dad's friend and doesn't yet know I'm dating his mom. Figuring out my place in it all is awkward. If we worked out, I cannot see me being a step-parent a good situation. I think it would ruin the friendship we have.

 

And finally, and maybe most importantly, I'm not sure about the relationship. Because of what I've written above, but also because she has some issues from the past. She was raped as a teenager by an ex and still has trouble with it. That in itself is not an issue but the affects are. I knew about this all before we started dating because my buddy/her ex told me. We have not been intimate yet. I am not use to waiting and I'm trying but it's hard. On the rare time she will have a panic attack if something reminds her of the rape or rapist. It happened a couple weeks ago when we were out. I knew what would help her because my buddy/her ex told me but I didn't feel right doing it because SHE hasn't let me in that far. It's like I know more about her than I should.

[dpass]

Can't edit the post.

 

I'm also some what worried that something will go wrong and I'll lose the friendship. He is a great friend of mine. I have never dated a friends ex, and never thought I would. But he suggested it because he thought we would get along well (we do, really well) and he's married and totally over her. He said she is going to be in life forever anyway so it doesn't matter if he sees her around. He also told me that she always had a thing for me, even when they were together. (so like 10+ years) I never knew that. I asked her about it and she confirmed that she was always attracted to me and always got "butterflies" and a bit upset when I was dating someone else, she never did anything about it. She's not the cheating type and never even flirted that I remember.

 

We match up really well together. We have the same life plans and goals. We have the same hobbies and interests. We push each other to try new things and try things even if we don't want to. We have great conversations. She's attractive, successful, smart, funny, caring, attentive, respectful. She puts people before herself but also knows when to put herself first. She's isn't the type of woman that was ever into partying and drinking, and I respect that (even though I was).

 

Is it ever okay to date a friends ex? Especially if they share a child together?

[Toodaloo]

Sounds as though the only one with any issue is you...

 

You have always talked to your buddy about stuff so I suggest you go back to him and talk to him about all this.

 

Sounds to me like you feel like you are stepping on his toes or something.

 

Talk to him.

 

Talk to your new girl.

 

That way you can figure it out between you. Be honest and remember these people are your friends. You can be honest with them.

[dpass]

Sounds as though the only one with any issue is you...

 

You have always talked to your buddy about stuff so I suggest you go back to him and talk to him about all this.

 

Sounds to me like you feel like you are stepping on his toes or something.

 

Talk to him.

 

Talk to your new girl.

 

That way you can figure it out between you. Be honest and remember these people are your friends. You can be honest with them.

 

You're probably right. I'm probably the only one with a real issue and over analyzing the hell out of it like a school girl. I definitely feel like I am stepping on his toes.

 

I think maybe I do need him to straight out say that he's okay with it. I have asked before but the answer was just a yes, maybe we need to actually talk about it. We're close and have talked about some of the most vulnerable things together.

 

I have talked to my GF. She said it's awkward for her too when her ex is around but thinks in time that feeling will go away. She told me to try to think of her and her ex as just friends and nothing more. Which sounds easy on paper, but I was there for their entire relationship. I watched them together, start a family together, I was there for her when he became a d-bag to her. I can't erase that.

 

My GF wants us all to go out together to the zoo. To take their son and the kids from his marriage. They try to get together with everyone (my gf, her son, my buddy, his wife and his 2 other kids) once a month. My GF wants me to go. She said it will be awkward at first but just push through and by the end of the day it will probably be fine after I see that he doesn't care.

 

But then I wonder, what is appropriate in front of him? Like giving her a kiss when he's present, is that over the line at this stage?

[SoThatHappened]

This really sounds like a situation where everybody wins to me.

 

The biggest winner is their child; he gets 3 parents that care about him!

 

You and the buddy can become even better friends (by doing what Toodaloo) said, and you're with a girl who's always liked you and it seems to be going well.

 

You don't have any problems here, you have gifts!

[dpass]

This really sounds like a situation where everybody wins to me.

 

The biggest winner is their child; he gets 3 parents that care about him!

 

You and the buddy can become even better friends (by doing what Toodaloo) said, and you're with a girl who's always liked you and it seems to be going well.

 

You don't have any problems here, you have gifts!

 

That's a good way to think of it and something to try and keep in mind.

 

-I am dating a great woman who has been into me for a very long time.

-She has a great kid, I've always been apart of his life and we get along very well.

-I get along with the "baby daddy" really well.

-The "baby daddy" gets along with me really well.

-My GF gets along with her ex and his new wife really well, I get along with them as well.

 

It will probably be awkward at first but once I settle in could be a really great relationship and set up. As long as nothing goes wrong.

 

My buddy did say something like "Maybe she was always meant for you." Which is something I try and keep in mind.

[Toodaloo]

On paper its weird in practice I can see some very happy people and a very stable and secure environment for that little guy...

 

Talk to them. Tell them about your concerns and worries. Just blurt it out.

[SammySammy]

Dude, this feels "insanely awkward" for a reason.

 

This is why I don't date my friend's exes. Why I don't kiss and tell.

 

There's a reason this guy is so comfortable with you being with his ex ... and a reason your gut has warning bells going off.

[Emilia]

I am 34 and I'm dating a woman who is 29. We have been dating for 5 months and are exclusive. She has a 7 year old child, I have no children. She was with the father for 5 years and they split up 6 years ago. Here's the catch, he's buddy of mine. We've been close friends for 15 years. He's actually the one who set it up. He's married and happy, they are good co-parents and have a good relationship. He said he thought we'd be a good match.

 

Today we went out to a movie and my buddy/her ex was there with some other friends. It was insanely awkward. More awkward than I ever would have imagined it to be. He seemed fine but I felt so out of place. I found myself stopping holding her hand and acting affectionate towards her.

 

The second issue is that usually I'd talk about my relationships, good or bad, with him. We're very close friends and often use each other to vent. I feel like I can't do that with her, because of their history. I feel like I'm always watching what I'm saying. He doesn't ask anything other than "how's it going?"

 

The third issue is their child, who I've known since birth. He knows me as his dad's friend and doesn't yet know I'm dating his mom. Figuring out my place in it all is awkward. If we worked out, I cannot see me being a step-parent a good situation. I think it would ruin the friendship we have.

 

And finally, and maybe most importantly, I'm not sure about the relationship. Because of what I've written above, but also because she has some issues from the past. She was raped as a teenager by an ex and still has trouble with it. That in itself is not an issue but the affects are. I knew about this all before we started dating because my buddy/her ex told me. We have not been intimate yet. I am not use to waiting and I'm trying but it's hard. On the rare time she will have a panic attack if something reminds her of the rape or rapist. It happened a couple weeks ago when we were out. I knew what would help her because my buddy/her ex told me but I didn't feel right doing it because SHE hasn't let me in that far. It's like I know more about her than I should.

When was the last time you dated? Seriously, at least? Because I honestly think people resort to dating a friend's ex, despite not being able to have sex with them for 5 months, try to deal with massive emotional issues, think about raising their friend's kid is when they are scraping the bottom of the barrel.

 

Yeah I know how this sounds but you know, you have made a massive mistake. We have all been there, going somewhere we shouldn't have out of desperation. Cos this is what it sounds like.

[dpass]

Dude, this feels "insanely awkward" for a reason.

 

This is why I don't date my friend's exes. Why I don't kiss and tell.

 

There's a reason this guy is so comfortable with you being with his ex ... and a reason your gut has warning bells going off.

 

I have never dated and never thought I would date a friends ex. He told me he thought we would get along really well - and we do. He also said he knows she has always been into me and was having a hard time finding anyone who wanted to be with her. She wasn't one of the psycho women that everyone should stay away from. My buddy ended the relationship with her. He's not the type to try and screw me over with her.

 

When was the last time you dated? Seriously, at least? Because I honestly think people resort to dating a friend's ex, despite not being able to have sex with them for 5 months, try to deal with massive emotional issues, think about raising their friend's kid is when they are scraping the bottom of the barrel.

 

Yeah I know how this sounds but you know, you have made a massive mistake. We have all been there, going somewhere we shouldn't have out of desperation. Cos this is what it sounds like.

 

I had a 14 month relationship end 8 months before I started dating my current GF. I went on dates with other women in between. I don't have trouble getting women : not desperate : and don't have "massive emotional issues". I am not taking over his role as a father, he is very involved in their sons life.

[Emilia]

I had a 14 month relationship end 8 months before I started dating my current GF. I went on dates with other women in between. I don't have trouble getting women : not desperate : and don't have "massive emotional issues". I am not taking over his role as a father, he is very involved in their sons life.

You don't, she does. Most people would run from that, quite rightly so. Was your 14 months relationship serious? Or more like a casual thing?

[dpass]

Most people would run from that, quite rightly so.

 

I'm aware. They split up 6 years ago and she hasn't had a relationship since. She's dated but no bites. Unless she hooked up with her ex after the break up then she hasn't had sex since either. Not long ago during a intimacy conversation she mentioned he was her only sexual partner. She didn't mean to. It sort of came out with the way the conversation went (being tested for STD's). Which adds to this being a weird situation. To my knowledge I've never banged a women that a friend has. It feels as if it would be less weird if she had been with more than 1 other dude.

 

However I wouldn't go as far as to say she has "massive emotional issues".

 

Was your 14 months relationship serious? Or more like a casual thing?

 

I'd say it was somewhere in the middle, more serious than casual. It wasn't casual at all, but I also wasn't about to get down on one knee. We lived together for a short period. We fought a lot and she was controlling and manipulative, which drew a close to the relationship.

[kendahke]

Frankly, I don't see the point in dating her. You have listed so many reasons why it's a bad idea that the few good ideas are eclipsed.

 

I guess it depends what means more to you: the 15 year friendship you have with her ex or more of what you're dealing with by being with her.

[Emilia]

I'm aware. They split up 6 years ago and she hasn't had a relationship since. She's dated but no bites. Unless she hooked up with her ex after the break up then she hasn't had sex since either. Not long ago during a intimacy conversation she mentioned he was her only sexual partner. She didn't mean to. It sort of came out with the way the conversation went (being tested for STD's). Which adds to this being a weird situation. To my knowledge I've never banged a women that a friend has. It feels as if it would be less weird if she had been with more than 1 other dude.

 

However I wouldn't go as far as to say she has "massive emotional issues".

I don't know her clearly but don't you think that an unprocessed rape and fear of sexual intimacy count as 'massive emotional issues'? Because I'd say most people would see lack of long term relationship experience by age of 29 with a kid as a big problem. Especially coupled with a teenage rape - that I'm guessing she never had therapy for? How do you think she is going to resolve this? How do you think she will achieve enough comfort to have sex with you? Regularly? She is 29 and to date she has not achieved that comfort. What do you think will change?

I'd say it was somewhere in the middle, more serious than casual. It wasn't casual at all, but I also wasn't about to get down on one knee. We lived together for a short period. We fought a lot and she was controlling and manipulative, which drew a close to the relationship.

Have all your relationships been dysfunctional? Because as I'm sure you know, we seek out dysfunctional partners ourselves, they don't just happen on us. You left one, now you are with another.

[dpass]

I don't know her clearly but don't you think that an unprocessed rape and fear of sexual intimacy count as 'massive emotional issues'? Because I'd say most people would see lack of long term relationship experience by age of 29 with a kid as a big problem. Especially coupled with a teenage rape - that I'm guessing she never had therapy for? How do you think she is going to resolve this? How do you think she will achieve enough comfort to have sex with you? Regularly? She is 29 and to date she has not achieved that comfort. What do you think will change?

 

Well when you put it that way.... I've known her for 10-11 years and that's not how I see her. In the beginning when I first met and knew of her, yeah, I wondered WTF my buddy was doing with her. He had no trouble getting women and he chose HER. I was baffled.

 

She hardly saw him for the first 1-2 years. She hated going out and was too nervous to be around friends. If I remember correctly they didn't even kiss until 1-2 years in. They clearly had sex seeing as there is a child.

 

The first time I "met" her, 10-ish years ago, was at a baseball game we were having. She was too nervous to be around us all so she sat on the other side of the park for 3 hours.

 

She is not like that anymore. We go out without issues, we are around friends. She has no trouble seeing me and we kiss regularly. There has been heavy petting a few times, though she admits she gets nervous to go further. She has improved greatly. She is not in therapy now, I don't know if she was in the past. I think she was but I am not sure.

 

Have all your relationships been dysfunctional? Because as I'm sure you know, we seek out dysfunctional partners ourselves, they don't just happen on us. You left one, now you are with another.

 

Not at all. I have had some great relationships. I didn't go out seeking her so I really don't think I'm looking for someone damaged or dysfunctional.

[PrettyEmily77]

It's like I know more about her than I should

 

That's because you do know more about her than you should. You can't un-know what your friend told you, and you can't use that knowledge because it would feel like a major betrayal of trust for all parties.

 

So

 

1. You like her enough to wait around so she feels comfortable to let you in in her own time.

 

Or

 

2. You already know this isn't for you.

 

Given that by your own admission, after 5 months, you're still not sure of the relationship, it's probably time to do some soul-searching and decide fairly soon whether you can deal with this.

[S_A]

I think you are justified in feeling awkward and I don't think you are weird or have a problem for feeling awkward. I've never been in your shoes but I get you. It may be best to move on or you may eventually start resenting your GF.

[Emilia]

Well when you put it that way.... I've known her for 10-11 years and that's not how I see her. In the beginning when I first met and knew of her, yeah, I wondered WTF my buddy was doing with her. He had no trouble getting women and he chose HER. I was baffled.

 

She hardly saw him for the first 1-2 years. She hated going out and was too nervous to be around friends. If I remember correctly they didn't even kiss until 1-2 years in. They clearly had sex seeing as there is a child.

 

The first time I "met" her, 10-ish years ago, was at a baseball game we were having. She was too nervous to be around us all so she sat on the other side of the park for 3 hours.

 

She is not like that anymore. We go out without issues, we are around friends. She has no trouble seeing me and we kiss regularly. There has been heavy petting a few times, though she admits she gets nervous to go further. She has improved greatly. She is not in therapy now, I don't know if she was in the past. I think she was but I am not sure.

I think that there are two things going on here: one is that she has grown up over the last 10-11 years. When you met her she was 18 and obviously a bit awkward, probably not very long after the rape so that her confidence was at rock bottom.

 

Now she is 29, her social skills have improved greatly, she has a kid so she probably socialises with other mothers, etc.

 

The second: she hasn't had a relationship for 6 years. I think it's very difficult to stay out of one in your 20s, there are lots of single people around you, everyone likes going out, etc. It's much harder to stay out of relationships than to get into one.

 

So her rape was well over 10 years ago, she has had one relationship since where there was some physical intimacy though you don't know how much. It's been over for a while and she has great troubles getting comfortable even with someone she has known for all these years.

 

She is slowly getting more comfortable but you don't know after 5 months how she will react when there are difficulties in the relationship, how she will deal with intimacy issues that ALL couples experience in LTRs. My guess would be that she won't be great. Somehow you don't seem to be considering this but instead are focusing on rescuing her.

 

You know as much as anyone that dating is about working out whether you are compatible long term, whether it's going to work. Do you think it has a chance of working with someone who has been unable to deal with her intimacy issues?

 

Not at all. I have had some great relationships. I didn't go out seeking her so I really don't think I'm looking for someone damaged or dysfunctional.

Have you had one that lasted a decent amount of time (at least 1 year) with regular, sustained physical intimacy where no-one had to chase the other person for it?

[dpass]

She wasn't single all that time for a lack of trying. I remember a few years ago my buddy was talking to me about her and saying that she was upset because he was getting married and had his own separate family and she couldn't even get anyone to date her seriously.

 

From what my GF and I have talked about it -and we haven't talked about that specific thing a lot- guys expected sex or at least some sort of sex in the first few dates. That didn't happen and they were outta there.

 

But like I said..... I haven't talked to her much about that specific thing because I didn't think it was any of my business. She doesn't tell people that she was raped so I can't see her telling a guy that she needs to go slow because of it. But again, what do I know.

 

It normally would be -and maybe it still should be- a red flag that she has been single for so long. If no one else wanted her for 6 years, why do I kind of mentality.

 

I really don't know how much she has dealt with her intimacy issues. My buddy and I are close and we share a lot of things but our sex life details are not something to be shared.

 

I do know that she is farther than she was then. I decided to ask her about it last night. It was awkward as hell and probably a mistake but she said there was nothing below the belt until 2 years in. In our relationship we're 5 months in and she's comfortable with heavy touching. So that is progress and there is a big difference between 2 years and 4 months.

 

After talking to her.... I think she would feel more comfortable having sex if I was more sure. I know she can feel the uncertainty I'm generating. I think I may be a reason things are not progressing.

[smackie9]

If you are here with all these issues you have, then get out now. Someone like her, and all this stuff with your buddy and child, is forever. Nothing is going to change. Now you see what it is for what it is. Now you must make a decision.

[dpass]

She is coming over tonight and said she wants to stay the night, so we'll see how that goes.

[SoThatHappened]

Dude, you're happy, she's happy, and even her ex is happy. Don't let the naysayers here screw that up for you.

[dpass]

That's because you do know more about her than you should. You can't un-know what your friend told you, and you can't use that knowledge because it would feel like a major betrayal of trust for all parties.

 

She doesn't know how much I know. It's an issue because I don't know if I should just tell her what I know or let her tell me on her own and hope I don't let things slip.

 

I am trying to give this relationship the best shot I can.... To bad for me that I'm a classic over thinker.

 

I really like her and feel good with her. I'm 34.... I don't want to keep dating around.

 

Have you had one that lasted a decent amount of time (at least 1 year) with regular, sustained physical intimacy where no-one had to chase the other person for it?

 

Yeah.... A couple come to mind immediately. I've had a lot of relationships and flings. Some good.... some bad. Obviously nothing has worked out yet. Seeing as I'm 34 and not married.