Hard time coping with rape of ex's friends, drug use

[singsparkles]

Hello everyone,

 

Two years ago I was raped by 5 friends of my ex's while black out drunk. I woke up with no clothes on and guys all around me laughing and calling me names and I was crying and I didn't know why or what happened to me. I looked to my left, and my boyfriend was sitting beside me and he said, "see, this is what you get. You deserved it."

 

Ever since then, he was bullying me online, slut shaming me, saying I was worthless human being, that I didnt deserve love, that I would never find someone who loves me, that I deserved the raping.

 

I never called authorities bc I was scared and it happened while drunk. Also it happened in a diff state than the state I lived in. when I went home the next day, I didn't tell my mom what happened until 2 days after.

 

I sat in bed for 5 months straight not doing anything. I lost my job, I stopped going to college, I lost everything. I lost all ambition.

 

Then I came across a drug, xanax. It took all of my pain away. I took it and I didn't care about anything. I would lay in bed all day, sleep away the pain and not have to think about what happened to me.

 

Today I am so hooked I am taking up to 30mgs a day and not feeling a thing, and if you know what xanax is, you would understand at 30mgs, I am an addict.

 

I conquered a lot. I have a wonderful job now that I don't want to lose, in the health field working with mentally disabled. I feel as if I've grown almost close to being over the rape, but I still wake up with nightmares.

 

I went to therapy after it happened and was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression and anxiety.

 

When Im not on xanax, I feel suicidal. I start thinking of everything that happened to me and I dont know what to do with myself.

 

When it comes to men, I have this phobia of them now. A man hits on me, and I automatically think he is a douche bag. I havent dated since the rape. I have no sex drive unless it's to masturbate (alone, once in awhile, not to sound like it's TMI) but. it's true.

 

I just don't trust anyone and feel as if I'm crippled for life because of this situation. I didnt look at my past posts but I think I actually posted about this situation two years ago when it happened, I'm sure. I'd like to go back and read and see what I said.

 

I'm in a more better, not naive frame of mind, but at the same time, I'm not living. at all. I'm a shell of who I used to be and I still havent conquered what happened to me.

 

He still calls me from time to time and asks me to say that I LOVE HIM, bc he knows how stupid and naive I was and I still talked to him and begged him to love me after I was raped, bc I BELIEVED IT WAS MY FAULT.

 

His ego is the biggest thing I have ever seen in my life. He calls me so I can stroke his ego. I stopped answering his calls now for 4 months and I'm not in the least bit attracted to him in any way. He actually grosses me out. He is the scummiest, dirtiest, nastiest scumbag I have ever come across in my life.

 

I'm sorry and I'm upset w myself that I stooped that low.

 

I just need some support right now.

 

Thank you guys :love::love:

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Edited June 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[CaptBadger]

That sounds like such an awful experience. My ex once told me how she got black out drunk and a guy made her give him a blowjob while she was out of it a couple of years back, couldn't even remember it until people told her what happened. ****ing people man I swear. The best of my wishes go to you.

 

Change your number if you need it, how can he keep harassing you after all this time, jesus.

[juniorrocha]

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear all that happened to you. That's so cruel, I can't ever understand how can human beings often hurt anyone or anything.

 

If he's still in touch with you, you should start right now with No Contact. Remove him completely from your life. Change your number. Block him everywhere. Get yourself far away from that piece of **** so you can heal. I can assure you not all men are like that; in fact I'm a man and right now I feel very pissed off at that *******, that guy deserves jail.

 

You should start your healing process asap. Count on your best friends, family, everyone. For your addiction, you could try taking a little less each day. Don't simply remove it from your life because it will be way too hard, but you can start taking less and less until you're good without it. Make it a challenge! Meanwhile, work on things you love. Maybe work out, find a new hobby, get out with your girls, travel to a beach for a couple days... everytime you feel like taking xanax, you could replace that with something else. My father stopped smoking by learning how to play a guitar. Everytime he felt like smoking, he would play the guitar. It worked, although he plays guitars awfully. hahaha

 

I believe in you, you'll get over this.

[todreaminblue]

this was hard to read for me.....im sorry you had to go through this..you are now a survivor of rape...please try to look at it this way...dont see yourself as a victim.......gives the pricks power over you.......i cant give you any quick fix...there are none for this.....its going to take a long time for you to heal.....the drug addiction would be the first step you need to take...i dont know about xanax.....the long term effects or short term or side effects if you were to stop suddenly.... but you need to be supported in getting off it....do you have a doctor you trust.....not just the script doctors you use to fill the scripts....but one you have in the past believed in who actually has a duty of care and actually does care for you and towards you..not some script filling quack.......

 

you know you arent dealing with the rape with the xanax..you are avoiding dealing with it...if you can get your addiction under control ...you can be in the right frame of mind...to get the help you need to move on with your life...after being raped......theres no just getting over rape..it is going to have an affect on you and your social interactions for quite some time........but you can learn strategies....get therapy......ill write more about that later...the rape took place two years ago right......im not sure of your location but if you were to decide to bring charges against these guys and your ex....the limitation might be 7 years...unsure...it is a possibility you know....

 

 

i have been told it helps heal.....personally ...i have never gone to the cops either but i have doen group therapy....there are reasons with mine that i didnt report .....there is no reason that you couldnt take this further...but that xanax thing.....you have to find a way to get off it for good safely......do you have a doctor you can trust.....deb

Edited June 15, 2016 by todreaminblue

[CaptBadger]

While dropping the xanax you may experience some insomnia; I suggest dropping the dosage in progressive quantities and then once you stop using it to substitute it temporarily with melatonin, which you should find as an over-the-counter drug. This will help with the sleep issues.

 

While you may exercise, do not do any heavy lifting or the like until you have stopped the xanax addiction, as it is a contraindication...

 

I hope this is of any help and if you have any questions regarding stuff like that feel free to ask me so that I can guide you a bit and tell you when it is time to talk with an specialist.

 

Please take care.

[Buddhist]

Please find someone who deals with trauma, preferably this kind of trauma. Your body has buried this because it was too difficult to face. But benzo's don't cure trauma, they just make it harder for you to ever find your way out of it.

 

I won't lie to you. There is no way to face this pain in a pleasant way. It will be hard, and horrendous but it must be done or your life will keep shrinking on you until one day you won't even be able to leave your house. Don't let him imprison you as well. You don't deserve that.

 

My heart goes out to you. I don't know what else to say. Your story was just about the hardest thing I've read in a good long while.

[Poppyolive]

I'm sorry. Biggest hugs. I'm glad you've come here. So much love, and great advice, support and encouragement.

 

First up, completely block this guy. Numbers, text, Facebook, Instagram etc... remove him completely from your life. I think facing your past, your hurts and pain, your memories is the path to choose. But. That's easier said than done. You really should think about finding an awesome therapist, that's right for you. Create your new path together, with help. Regarding your addiction, I totally understand your need to block your pain. Or a least I can empathise. Hopefully you can seek help with that

 

No need to pursue a relationship until you build a relationship with your self.

 

I'm her to say, i'm sorry about what you are going through. You deserve much, much better. Wishing you all the best.

[keiji]

It's a great sign that you could at least normalize your professional life. I think that the best course of action is therapy, and probably long-term. It will obviously be painful to go through those terrible events again, but it's the only way to accept them and start to truly heal.

 

As to the Xanax, I think you should see a doctor than schedules a progressive withdrawal. Don't do it yourself. I was taking antidepressants and the withdrawal that the doctor planned had absolutely nothing to do with what I thought the doses would be. Rely on a professional for all of this.

 

I'm glad you're no longer in touch with that guy. To call him a "human being" is an overstretch. Him and his scumbag friends have the sole responsibility in those horrible and traumatic events. Therapy will help you see that you're not guilty of anything and that, fortunately, truly bad persons are rare in this world.

 

Warm hugs!

[singsparkles]

Thank you for all of your wonderful, heartfelt comments. I did not know people could be so nice. Its refreshing to know people are compassionate out there, especially after everything I've been thru. Thank you for the kind words.

 

He is not in my life at all anymore. He's blocked on everything. But with my PTSD comes waking up in the middle of the night from nightmares about the r ape and I replay it in my head a lot. I think you're all right; therapy would be good for me. I went to therapy right after this happened, which was 2 years ago, and it did help. I was most stable at that point. Then I got worse with the drugs, etc, unfortunately, trying to bury my pain in pills.

 

I try not to even look at his Facebook bc the thought of him and his disgusting friends grosses me out. I've actually thought about the situation and sat in the bathroom vomitting for hours. I think thats a side effect of the ptsd.

 

I def want to get off of these drugs and go to therapy. I need to get off of the drugs slowly bc I don't want to hurt myself or have seizures. But therapy is a must.

 

You're all beautiful and wonderful people... I wish you all happiness and love as well. I think most of us who get hurt are the ones who care too much and we deserve love the most. In the end, we ALL will always end up where we belong --- in the right place, happy.

 

 

hugs and kisses,

xxxooxoxox

[spiderowl]

I am so sorry this happened to you. You may even have been given a date-rape drug. Whatever happened, your boyfriend should have protected you not blamed you. What kind of monster is he? He was complicit. He should have been arrested and charged as they all should.

 

How do you get over this? I don't know. I think it will be gradual, with meeting people who treat you well, who are respectful and kind and understanding. Seeking therapy via a Rape Crisis Centre would probably be best. You are dealing with a trauma and it must be so hard for you.

 

I agree with another poster that reducing the xanax a bit at a time is a good move. You took it because you needed to blot out what had happened and to rest. Long term though, it's not going to help.

 

It sounds like you've been in a fog really, shutting it all out as best you can. Maybe now that you are asking these questions, you feel ready to try to process what has happened. Maybe there is a support group somewhere nearby where you can meet other people who are working their way to recovery.

 

I'm sure you are a strong person who has fallen in with the wrong crowd. Do not believe any of the things they said about you. Quite frankly, these were crazy, sociopathic people, including your ex boyfriend. Their views of you are not true. They are the sick people here. I do hope you find some support locally because I think it will make all the difference. You are an incredible woman who is really working your way through a process of recovery. You will get there. xx