What if I was the rebound?

[saintkenn]

Ok, long winded post coming and its pretty brutal but I'd appreciate any feedback. So I started seeing this girl one week after her 7 year relationship. We go out a few times before kissing, but there is a definite attraction there for both of us. Things get a little more heated and the sex is absolutely amazing for both of us. We've dated for about a month and ahalf at this point. The whole time we're dating, she is telling me that she doesn't want anything too serious but at the same time, she tells me she loves me and i love her. Seeing each other nearly every day...going fast and strong.

Here's where i make a huge mistake....i cheated. Don't know why or how it happened, but it did. I'm not a cheater, never have been, but an ex started coming around, i had hired her to clean my house. She came over one day and gave me a sob story about how things in her life just weren't working and one thing led to another and i made a grave mistake. Felt guilty and told current gf. We broke it off then, but i managed to win her back somehow. I spent the next few months doing whatever i could do to show her that I'm not that person. She was hurt about it and made comments every now and then about it but things were relatively good. Laughed a lot and had a good relationship

 

So then talks of getting a house together came up and i put a deposit on one. We went to the beach for a week and during that time she said that she felt things were getting too serious for her. So we backed out of getting the house. We get home from the beach and we don't talk much for the next week and then she tells me that she wants to call it off because it has gotten too serious. A few days pass and i haven't spoke to her much. She sends me a text saying that it was all she could think about and wanted to talk in person. This last sunday,we met for dinner. The talk wasn't what either expected. She talked about closure maybe and that she honestly cares for me and doesn't want to hurt me. So the dinner ends and we kiss. I make the mistake of inviting her out the next night just to have a good time with eachother and not talk about serious stuff. She says she'll let me know but at 7pm last night i hadn't heard from her so i give her a call...

 

The call starts out with her saying she doesn't know what she wants and i make the mistake of pressuring her by asking her what am i supposed to do and what she really wants. Again she says she doesnt want a relationship so i end the conversation there. I send a text saying how i feel about her and wont bother her with texts or anything to not push her away any further. I'm awfully depressed about this coupled with the disappearance of my 6 month old English Bulldog. Im just looking for any glimmer of hope right now. Am i completely screwed in this and just need to get past it or is there any chance to resolve this?

[Satu]

snip

Ok, long winded post coming and its pretty brutal but I'd appreciate any feedback. *So I started seeing this girl one week after her 7 year relationship.

 

*You could have stopped writing right there.

 

 

The chances of having a successful relationship, with someone one week out of a seven year relationship are so slim, as to be effectively nonexistent.

 

She is very definitely not over her ex.

 

How could she be, without the passage of time?

 

 

Her head would be full of him, not you.

 

Her heart would be full of him, not you.

 

 

So no, there is no chance of resolving this.

 

Sorry.

 

 

Take care.

[Blanco]

Of course you were the rebound. Seven DAYS after she ended a seven YEAR relationship?

[whatnot]

One week doesn't even qualify as a separate period of time in a 7 year context. It still qualifies as "during".

 

 

I hate about your dog. That stinks man.

[saintkenn]

Crazy, i know...

 

the only reason i disregarded that is because she told me that the previous relationship had been over for a while and she was just going through the motions. They hadn't been affectionate with one another in a while and she ended the relationship, so i took comfort in that.

[saintkenn]

And thanks about the dog, I'm just as tore up about that..lol

[Satu]

And thanks about the dog, I'm just as tore up about that..lol

 

That I can understand. Dogs are people in my world.

[saintkenn]

I guess i need a slap of reality. I Haye bring strung along which is what she seems to be doing because of her confusion

[Trinity7]

Ugh, I hear ya.. I'm going through a similar thing-- my now ex was fresh out of a longterm relationship, but convinced me they had been over for a long time before he met me, they just hadn't officially split. Can't believe my natural caution and suspicion of the circumstances didn't open my eyes sooner. Boy, they got opened today though But we can't beat ourselves up over wanting to believe them when they said they were done with their exes long ago. Mine is having doubts about ending his previous relationship to say the least, and he seems to be giving things another shot with her

 

I'll say this, even if our exes change their minds and feel like they made a mistake by leaving us and come crawling back to us tomorrow, it likely still wouldn't work.

 

A) they cracked the foundation of the relationship by leaving and thus breaking our trust.. I don't know about you, but I don't think that's something I could ever get over. I'd forever be afraid he could just disappear again at any moment.

 

B) it's going to take quite some time, definitely months, maybe longer, for them to be truly over their longterm relationships even if they were the dumpers. There's no way they've had time to process the separation and become whole again on their own. And until they do, they aren't going to be healthy partners for us or anyone else.

 

And C) we deserve better!! We deserve people that are ready, willing and able to give us all of themselves and to truly commit to us for the long haul. In my eyes, someone truly in love wouldn't risk losing us over their doubts. They would've worked through the doubts with us.

 

I'm just learning all of this for myself too.. I hope one of these thoughts that helped me get through today can help you too. x

[Satu]

I guess i need a slap of reality. I Haye bring strung along which is what she seems to be doing because of her confusion

 

You can take comfort from the fact that she didn't consciously set out to hurt you.

 

She was confused and needed someone to latch onto.

 

That doesn't excuse anything, but it makes easier to understand how she behaved.

[saintkenn]

The confusion continues. I instituted a no contact starting yesterday and she video calls me tonight...i of course...answer. and we just proceed to have a normal conversation. i want to believe she honestly cares about me. As for her ex, when we first started dating, he was a roux of discussion but then that went away. She never talks to him or about him. It seems like she wants a little of both worlds, part of me and part of single, which i know isn't fair to me

[Satu]

The confusion continues. *I instituted a no contact starting yesterday and she video calls me tonight...i of course...answer. and we just proceed to have a normal conversation. i want to believe she honestly cares about me. As for her ex, when we first started dating, he was a roux of discussion but then that went away. She never talks to him or about him. It seems like she wants a little of both worlds, part of me and part of single, which i know isn't fair to me

 

*Just for the purposes of clarity:

 

You are not doing NC. If you were, she would have no means of contacting you, and you would not reply if she cleverly found a way to get through to you.

 

NC means, No Contact.

 

Its up to you what you do, of course.

 

 

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means she might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of her on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what she is doing or saying.

 

 

Take care.

[saintkenn]

No contact sucks! Lol

 

I know that I'm not supposed to message or call her, i know I'm not supposed to answer her call. She was slightly intoxicated when she video called me tonight. She could have called anyone else in the world.