Sunshine8 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Hello all, Would be very grateful if some of you can help me to get a clear and objective perspective on this situation with my ex boyfriend, who has been divorced a couple of months ago. We were seeing each other on and off for 10 months. After our last break up, he has reached out again and I told him not to contact me since the situation costs me a lot emotionally. I have never been married, nor have children and in my early 30’s. He is 41. I encourage him having respect for his ex wife, especially for the sake of their three kids, but here and there I try to make him aware to keep in mind my feelings (sometimes i get the feeling he is somehow 'scared' for the emotional outbursts of his ex and tries not to upset her, stress her etc., so he prioritizes her feelings first and forgets mine). He had a high conflict relationship with the ex wife, however the divorce was relatively amicable. The ex wife initiated the divorce; she had fallen out of love for him for a while (think she cheated). She treats him like she wants full control and to be honest sometimes i think he needs to man up (while still having respect for her). Throughout our time together i did not felt like being his priority (off course after his children). Knowing it was a difficult time for him, i already had adjusted my expectations, however I felt like I could not express my feelings and thoughts (sometimes did it firmly) without him pushing our conversation to a conflict, leaving me, ignoring me or breaking up with me. When arguing, even if it was his fault, I pretty much always did the mending. Often he would ignore me for a while, then when I didn’t initiate anymore he would send me a message, without speaking about what happened and letting me do the further reconciliation. Despite this all, I think he was serious with me (he introduced me to his children, told his ex, parents and friends about me). Apart of the fights we could get along very very well, laughed a lot and had the same interests, both career driven and same outlooks on life. I would be very pleased to hear your perspectives about this. Did I do the right thing by telling him not to contact me anymore? I’m not a native speaker, apologies if the grammar falls short Karen
basil67 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Your English is great - I didn't realise you weren't a native speaker until I saw you mention it. Yes, you did the right thing. Of all the issues here which need to be taken note of, multiple breakups should head the list. How can he expect to have a healthy relationship if he fights, breaks up and/or refuses to discuss the issue? Makes me wonder what his ex-wife had to deal with. Moving on is wise. Find yourself a man who can communicate well. 1
whatnot Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) These things rarely work out. I can't tell you what to do. Your post is real. It comes through. You care. (And...he probably does as well). The trouble is...the context. Your relationship has been defined in a way that, to my eye, for what it's worth, has been defined in a way that's unsustainable. He's vulnerable in a way which isn't his normal way of being... (One man's opinion). The way you are together...it's been made possible because of an on going divorce. His emotional make up, his ability to resolve conflict, even his ability to have fun with you....it's all defined by, molded from, and couched in the context of a person whose family is in the process of being torn apart. And...it's this context that has even enabled you to relate with him in the manner in which you have. Good luck to you in the future. (And stay away from married men...no matter how close they are to divorcing their soon-to-be ex wives). You're doing wonderfully. Good luck. Edited June 15, 2016 by whatnot 1
Author Sunshine8 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 I agree, he lacked communication skills (especially when we had a conflict or different opinions about an issue) and to much bagage. Part of me will always wonder what it would have been like if we had met in better timing, apart of his lack of communication skills we were so compatible
Author Sunshine8 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 He's vulnerable in a way which isn't his normal way of being... (One man's opinion). (And stay away from married men...no matter how close they are to divorcing their soon-to-be ex wives). You are right, he told me he felt vulnerable and not his old him and he begged me to tell him when he said or did things that hurt me (like he was not capable to see it by himself). I would do that, but then he would act as usual push things to conflict, ignore or break up He was not married when we started dating, his divorce was finalized
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 You did the right thing by cutting contact. It seems like the relationship was volatile and filled with ups and downs, so I think it's best to completely cut contact in those instances. You have to get off the merry-go-round at some point and gain some emotional stability. You can't get the distance and perspective you need by dipping in and out of each others lives. I can't really think of what staying in contact would add that would outweigh the negatives. You said he had only been divorced a few months and his wife left him. He might not be over that yet. A few months is really not a lot of time. Were you seeing him while he was separated? I'd always proceed with caution when it comes to newly divorced, and I wouldn't consider someone who is separated.
whatnot Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) I agree, he lacked communication skills (especially when we had a conflict or different opinions about an issue) and to much bagage. Part of me will always wonder what it would have been like if we had met in better timing, apart of his lack of communication skills we were so compatible My sister whose been happily married for 30 years told me, when I asked her what it takes to find a mate, "80% of it is timing". FWIW...i view it not unlike a business deal... (I'm a business man)...a deal requires... 2 parties. One must be ready to sell and one must be ready to buy. And when one's desire to buy equals the other's desire to sell...presto! You got a deal! I can't tell that love/marriage is much different. Good luck to you... (And...if it makes you feel any better, which it probably won't) we all wonder "What if..." or "If only..." Edited June 15, 2016 by whatnot
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