clia Posted June 23, 2016 Posted June 23, 2016 So I went with my gut and I was just honest with him.... I said, "So I've been doing alittle thinking. If its ok with you I would like to go on thursday just because its my 30th. When you asked me what I wanted to do I didnt know it that would be ok with you bcuz you had just spent alot on the trip. We def dont have to go anywhere fancy or anything like that. And if you're tight on cash we dont have to go out...I would be fine staying in too." He said, "Thats fine we can go out" I'm glad I said something because I'd be alittle disappointed and resentful if we just stayed in. I really dont ever have bday parties...except for with my family. Usually I just go out with friends and/or my bf to a restaurant for dinner and drinks. I'm going out with my gfs on my actual bday in two days I hope I did the right thing here. I've learned I have to trust myself alittle more about the decisions I make in this relationship. I think I'll throw $20 in at dinner just so he doesnt have to pay for the whole thing So going out with him is just celebrating your birthday, not ON your actual birthday? Why didn't you guys just celebrate it on your trip? Seems like it would've been great timing. 2
Author Dis Posted June 23, 2016 Author Posted June 23, 2016 So going out with him is just celebrating your birthday, not ON your actual birthday? Why didn't you guys just celebrate it on your trip? Seems like it would've been great timing. I'm celebrating my bday with my bf tomorrow (thursday) I'm celebrating my bday with my gfs on friday (my actual bday) Now that you say it like that...I think my bf might have thought my bday was tied into the trip even though he didnt mention my bday on the trip That might have been the reason why hes being so laid back about it now and why he didnt get the day off for the actual day
Author Dis Posted June 25, 2016 Author Posted June 25, 2016 The birthday was ok. He is ok. We are ok. Nothing great or bad going on. Nothing to write home about As scorpiogirl mentioned, I'm dissecting everything. I'm doing that because I dont know if this is right or not. Writing helps me sort through the confusion...all the advice I get here helps me do that too I'm in a wierd place...I'm usually head over heels for someone or not into them at all. Being in an in between space is really hard for me. I'm just trying to figure out if hes right for me or not I'm a cancer, he's a virgo. I dont believe in astrology 100% but I do to some degree. I read relationships between virgos and cancers get off to a slow start but there one of the best matches I've never dated a simple guy. I've never dated a reserved guy. This is new for me. I've always dated complicated, f***** up, unstable, hot messes. I dont want to discredit the fact hes the first good/stable/reliable guy I've ever been with. I just dont feel that connection...but its only been 2 and a half months so I dont know that I should expect a mind blowing connection. He's so simple. I told him to tell me something good after we had sex a night ago, he said, "Theres no clouds in the sky....You look really sexy....you smell good....I love you." When we dont talk I feel like we're continents apart...but he's not thinking anything. He doesnt say much about the things I mention when we talk. But he's good to me. He's like a 1950's all American good guy. He treats me well. Hes just kind of dumb and shallow. A part of me wants to give him more time because as time goes on he opens up more...we bond more....things improve alittle. But at the same time I wonder if I'm trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. I just want to know if I'm being too picky...all my gfs and my mom say, "He's a guy....a typical guy. Dont let him go. While he's simple like most guys, hes a good one." I dont know where to go from here....I feel torn
katiegrl Posted June 25, 2016 Posted June 25, 2016 (edited) Hi Dis..... I was just thinking about you, just this second, then you posted, wow. We Cancers can be rather psychic sometimes huh....... Anyhoo thanks for your update .....I had a feeling. I know you sort of dismissed it, but read my post no. 112 again. Perhaps I wasn't so off after all? At least with respect to how *you* are feeling. Call me crazy but it really sounds like you are just not all that into it anymore, and are fighting it cuz you feel guilty, too picky, pressure from family and friends, cuz hell he's a guy isn't he? Please don't! Be true to yourself. If this doesn't feel right anymore, that's okay!!! That is why we date before we get married...... to determine if someone is right and that takes time... you cannot force it.... it just won't work. I dunno maybe you are just ambivalent cuz he is not like the bad boys you usually date.... But you used to be crazy about him, so excited!!, and *he* hasn't changed, so I tend to think that's not it. You have just gotten to know him better and perhaps realizing he is just not right for you?. If so, it's OK. You are 100% right on when you say you cannot fit a round peg into a square hole . You don't need to do anything right away. Take some time, think through your feelings. I know you will end up doing the right thing....... for both of you. Remember though, always be true to yourself! It is your life after all ...... no one else's....... Edited June 26, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author Dis Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 Hi Dis..... I was just thinking about you, just this second, then you posted, wow. We Cancers can be rather psychic sometimes huh....... Anyhoo thanks for your update .....I had a feeling. I know you sort of dismissed it, but read my post no. 112 again. Perhaps I wasn't so off after all? At least with respect to how *you* are feeling. Call me crazy but it really sounds like you are just not all that into it anymore, and are fighting it cuz you feel guilty, too picky, pressure from family and friends, cuz hell he's a guy isn't he? Please don't! Be true to yourself. If this doesn't feel right anymore, that's okay!!! That is why we date before we get married...... to determine if someone is right and that takes time... you cannot force it.... it just won't work. I dunno maybe you are just ambivalent cuz he is not like the bad boys you usually date.... But you used to be crazy about him, so excited!!, and *he* hasn't changed, so I tend to think that's not it. You have just gotten to know him better and perhaps realizing he is just not right for you?. If so, it's OK. You are 100% right on when you say you cannot fit a round peg into a square hole . You don't need to do anything right away. Take some time, think through your feelings. I know you will end up doing the right thing....... for both of you. Remember though, always be true to yourself! It is your life after all ...... no one else's....... Thanks for checking in with me girly! You're a cancer too! I'm not surprised by that lol When you used the word, ambivalant....that clicked with me. Seems to be exactly where I'm at... am·biv·a·lent- having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone. There are both good and bad things about him...and both the cons and pros seem to be equal on both sides Thats what makes this so hard But I think you're right that I dont need to do anything right now...I dont have enough info or enough of an opinion to made a move right now One of my gf's said that its ok to be confused....that maybe I shouldnt view it as such a bad feeling. I think I might just need to sit with that feeling until I know what to do....I honestly think thats the best course of action at this point I also want to mention (Its funny that I'm going to attempt to give advice to you seeing as I'm always so confused and getting advice from you lol...but here goes)...on my other thread you said you needed to stop referring back to your ex when you give advice. I dont think you need to stop doing that. Maybe you talking about your ex here helps you with the grieving process. I know I tend to talk things to death until I've processed them. I dont think theres anything wrong with that. As long as your not romantizing your past with your ex...I think its healthy for you to talk all you want about him and what you two had. You were together for 6 years...its hard to move past of all that time and love....maybe talking about it all is helping you let go 1
joseb Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Almost every time you post you're spot on...but here I'm feeling the exact opposite Actually, based on what you have written after, I'd say she is spot on that you are not that into him.
Author Dis Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 Actually, based on what you have written after, I'd say she is spot on that you are not that into him. Ya....right now I'd say she's spot on too I'm getting to old for this s***
tinkerbell16 Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Ya....right now I'd say she's spot on too I'm getting to old for this s*** Had one like this, all around good guy, thoughtful, kind, stable, cooked amazing, handsome as hell, tall, friendly... But flip side... No spark... No deep thoughts... just vanilla. I started to feel guilty being with him as he was falling harder and harder for me. I ended it. I am of the camp of when it feels right its right when it feels wrong its wrong. 1
Author Dis Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 Had one like this, all around good guy, thoughtful, kind, stable, cooked amazing, handsome as hell, tall, friendly... But flip side... No spark... No deep thoughts... just vanilla. I started to feel guilty being with him as he was falling harder and harder for me. I ended it. I am of the camp of when it feels right its right when it feels wrong its wrong. Thanks for that tinkerbell. I'm starting to feel the same. He is great on paper but theres no connection there...no spark....no lust....and absolutly no deep thoughts being exchanged. I think I need to end this. I'm just frustrated....I'm 30 now....I wish he would be the right one....I feel like I'm getting to old for the dating merry go round. I wants kids and a family. I used to think if I gave him more time he would open up more and the connection would be there but now...its like you said....its either there or its not....and its not
tinkerbell16 Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Thanks for that tinkerbell. I'm starting to feel the same. He is great on paper but theres no connection there...no spark....no lust....and absolutly no deep thoughts being exchanged. I think I need to end this. I'm just frustrated....I'm 30 now....I wish he would be the right one....I feel like I'm getting to old for the dating merry go round. I wants kids and a family. I used to think if I gave him more time he would open up more and the connection would be there but now...its like you said....its either there or its not....and its not Disillusionment, I imagine its frustrating when you feel like you have a ticking clock so to speak. Give yourself grace and try to look at life from the perspective of how each of these experiences you are learning more about what you want and need from your partner. Abandon the "searching" mentality for a "discovery" mentality. One can only feel disappointment when expectations are established but not met. If your goal is set to discovery you will never be disappointed and you will not be frustrated.
katiegrl Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 from my experience, you should stay with him. it is not so easy to live alone because thats when depression and suicide starts to kick in from not being accepted, so for right now you have somebody to love you and be there for you and that should keep you calm.:rolleyes: From my late mom: "It is better to *be* alone ... rather than remain in a RL where you *feel* alone." Remaining in a RL where you feel no connection ...and feel alone ...actually causes more depression...and possible suicide. Learn to love yourself ... be happy within yourself, and you won't need a RL to feel *calm*. You will feel happy and calm on your own. Then when the right RL comes along, it should *enhance* your already happy and calm existence. Not *be* your existence..... 3
tinkerbell16 Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 from my late mom: "it is better to *be* alone ... Rather than remain in a rl where you *feel* alone." remaining in a rl where you feel no connection ...and feel alone ...actually causes more depression...and possible suicide. Learn to love yourself ... Be happy within yourself, and you won't need a rl to feel *calm*. You will feel happy and calm on your own. Then when the right rl comes along, it should *enhance* your already happy and calm existence. Not *be* your existence..... aaaaammmmeeenn. 1
Author Dis Posted June 26, 2016 Author Posted June 26, 2016 From my late mom: "It is better to *be* alone ... rather than remain in a RL where you *feel* alone." Remaining in a RL where you feel no connection ...and feel alone ...actually causes more depression...and possible suicide. Learn to love yourself ... be happy within yourself, and you won't need a RL to feel *calm*. You will feel happy and calm on your own. Then when the right RL comes along, it should *enhance* your already happy and calm existence. Not *be* your existence..... Very wise words...thanks for that girly...needed to hear that and I whole heartedly agree I do feel alone in this relationship....I think you picked up on that awhile ago I know...I mean I really know....that being in this relationship is harder than being alone I felt like I was fighting for something that wasnt meant to be mine Like I said, I was desperately trying to fit a round peg into a square hole To be 100% honest....I will be relieved when I end this...I already feel over this, him and our relationship And I know I'm fine on my my own....I always have been....I'm just ready to find the right one thats all...I'm just ready to settle down I wrote this last night.... I have stood beside you I have waited behind you I have sat still while you vanished from my sight I have evoked my deepest emotions All in one night When the sun arose against the blue You failed to muster a single thought I have stumbled over my words Desperately trying to find my place Only for you to tell your days story In between several shallow breaths Little goes on in your mind And little is stirred in my heart I will walk away now Before I convince myself to unravel To come apart I have lost nothing I have taken steps ahead Standing in front of you Standing where I’m meant to be Heading towards the one Who’s meant to stand by me - Dis (6/25/16) 3
katiegrl Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 Very wise words...thanks for that girly...needed to hear that and I whole heartedly agree I do feel alone in this relationship....I think you picked up on that awhile ago I know...I mean I really know....that being in this relationship is harder than being alone I felt like I was fighting for something that wasnt meant to be mine Like I said, I was desperately trying to fit a round peg into a square hole To be 100% honest....I will be relieved when I end this...I already feel over this, him and our relationship And I know I'm fine on my my own....I always have been....I'm just ready to find the right one thats all...I'm just ready to settle down I wrote this last night.... I have stood beside you I have waited behind you I have sat still while you vanished from my sight I have evoked my deepest emotions All in one night When the sun arose against the blue You failed to muster a single thought I have stumbled over my words Desperately trying to find my place Only for you to tell your days story In between several shallow breaths Little goes on in your mind And little is stirred in my heart I will walk away now Before I convince myself to unravel To come apart I have lost nothing I have taken steps ahead Standing in front of you Standing where I’m meant to be Heading towards the one Who’s meant to stand by me - Dis (6/25/16) Dis, that is beautiful.....really really beautiful. You'll be fine. Starting school and then a new career, focus on that. Did you know I have a nursing degree? I am not a practicing nurse, I chose to go into legal afterwards. I have talked about it before but not sure if you saw my posts... Anyway, nursing school is TOUGH!!! You will need to be 100% focused at all times,. No distractions. Thinking ahead, once you start your career, hell maybe you'll meet a nice doctor! Lol.
mortensorchid Posted June 26, 2016 Posted June 26, 2016 You are in self sabatoge mode. I don't know anything about your previous relationship which you speak of, but I can tell you that the man you reference in it did not deserve to be with you which is why he dropped you. He had to make YOU suffer before he did. I was there once, this man whose gf had dumped him YEARS before I met him was determined to ruin everything, and he ruined it because he was determined to ruin it. I hope he (and the man you speak of) are happy with their decisions today. As for you now? All I can say is that you must approach everything with the hope that this will be something good. Or if not good, at least it won't be a train wreck of an ending or a good way to spend time or get to know another. One chapter is over, another begins. I say that everyday whether it comes to things personal, work related, or otherwise.
Author Dis Posted June 27, 2016 Author Posted June 27, 2016 (edited) This will be the last post on this thread for awhile I havent listened to myself in a long time...I've been asking everyone I know and dont know (on here) for the right answer but.... It needs to come from me I never make a huge decision without being as sure as I can be...and I'm not sure he's not the right one I'm going to give this at least another month Enough with me posting...."I dont know what to do"..."I'm so scared he'll dump me."..."I dont know if hes the right one." I'm a big girl and I'm far from dumb...I need to start acting accordingly (This does not discredit all the amazing advice you all have given me...I'm extremely grateful...thank you ) Edited June 27, 2016 by Disillusionment373 1
Author Dis Posted June 28, 2016 Author Posted June 28, 2016 I broke up with him...he didnt put up a fight His communication shut down....that was the straw that broke the camel's back I honestly feel SOOO relieved...the past month felt like a constant battle...trying to win a losing fight I cant believe how stressed I've been. A relationship really shouldnt feel like that so early on It didnt feel right...I knew it was wrong. I have a strong intutition...I just wasnt listening to it. Ending things was my way of admitting what I knew all along...that he was wrong for me I know there is someone out there who is right for me...a guy who will ask me about my day and truly listen....a guy I can share my deepest thoughts with...I know I will find a relationship that unfolds naturally and beautifully...one in which I can be myself, he can be himself and we can love each other for every part of who we are....every pretty, deep, ugly, difficult, easy parts of ourselves. The right one will communicate with me...I wont have to chase him around. We will want each other equally...give what we take and take what we give. It will feel right. I'm glad I ended it....I feel like 1,000lbs have been lifted off my shoulders. I am alittle sad....bcuz I did invest in him. But like I've heard on here....we have many endings before we find the one.... I'm looking forward to finding that now....I have a strong, gut feeling that its my time to find the one now. I had a really vivid dream a week ago. It signified that I would find the right one once I ended this relationship. I dont know why....but I truly believe I'm going to find my husband now....my gut is telling me it will happen soon One door closes...the right one opens...I'm looking forward to the future 4
joseb Posted June 28, 2016 Posted June 28, 2016 Wow, you went from definitely giving it at least a month to dumping him in less than a day? Well, if it's causing you this much drama I agree it's probably best to end it. Take some time out and be with yourself for a while. If you follow this thinking that "the one" is coming too much, you will project that onto the next guy you meet, whatever he is like. 2
Author Dis Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 Ya I know...I went from desperately trying to roll it up the hill to stepping aside and letting it roll all the way down Its such a relief....thats one way I know for sure I did the right thing! I dont even think I'll miss him.....he was so simple = a dudd I was just trying to convice myself otherwise I'm not going to project my gut feeling about the next guy being the one onto any guy...I would move along with dates like I normally would....the only thing that gut feeling is going to do for me is guide me in the right direction and give me hope I dont feel like I need time much time to myself...maybe a week or two. I mentioned before that me and him didnt have that connection...I didnt feel crazy about him...I didnt feel attached to him in that deep way. Moving on from him is easy now....its more like pulling a splinter out of my toe....ya it might sting for second but overall I'm just glad its gone...I'm pretty resilient in that way I've never really had a breakup that felt like this....where I feel 100% relieved and not really sad at all I'll take alittle while to focus on me...but I dont need time to figure myself out...I've always been fine on my own. I know what I want...and I'm excited to go find it!
TooLegitToQuit Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 (edited) I don't know OP. I am wary of women who say stuff like this (or write threads such as this one), whose opinion from someone they "love" changes so fast. I tell my younger cousin to avoid women like these. It's a huge red flag. You and he weren't a match. Something just wasn't there for you all along. You realize that by how you feel after the breakup. That's fine. But it sounds like he treated you well overall. So for you to call him a "dud" just because he wasn't that illusive something you are looking for, doesn't seem right to me, and speaks to issues on your end. Your ex deserves better than that. Edited June 29, 2016 by TooLegitToQuit
Author Dis Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 I don't know OP. I am wary of women who'd write threads such as this one, whose opinion from someone they "love" changes so fast. You and he weren't a match. You realize that by how you feel after the breakup. That's fine. But it sounds like he treated you well overall. So for you to call him a "dud" just because he wasn't that illusive something you are looking for, doesn't seem right to me, and speaks to issues on your end. Hmmm...your pretty off base there Until the last 2-3 weeks he did treat me well...that doesnt mean it was working I called him a dudd because he is...I knew that all along...I was just romantizing him because I was trying to convince myself there was still hope...people so it all the time = rationalization Maybe ease up on passing judgement on someone you've read a few paragraphs about
TooLegitToQuit Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Hmmm...your pretty off base there Until the last 2-3 weeks he did treat me well...that doesnt mean it was working I called him a dudd because he is...I knew that all along...I was just romantizing him because I was trying to convince myself there was still hope...people so it all the time = rationalization Maybe ease up on passing judgement on someone you've read a few paragraphs about No, I stand by what I wrote. He might not have been right for you and he may not have been filled w deep thoughts, but it sounds like he was a pretty decent guy overall. Not a dud by any stretch. Just not right for you.
katiegrl Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 I don't know OP. I am wary of women who say stuff like this (or write threads such as this one), whose opinion from someone they "love" changes so fast. It's a huge red flag. You and he weren't a match. Something just wasn't there for you all along. You realize that by how you feel after the breakup. That's fine. But it sounds like he treated you well overall. So for you to call him a "dud" just because he wasn't that illusive something you are looking for, doesn't seem right to me, and speaks to issues on your end. Your ex deserves better than that. Dis, with love.... since you have disclosed you have been diagnosed with Bipolar II (and you know I have too so I understand)... I am gonna go out on a limb and suggest that some of what you are experiencing now may be a symptom of that. Bipolar never goes away... it can lay dormant for a while..but symptoms can resurface at any time. The reason I say this is because on Sunday you were going to end it and wrote a beautiful albeit sad and depressing poem about him and your RL (it's posted). You sounded very down and depressed. You were convinced he wasn't right for you, you no longer had feelings for him.... and were adamant you were going to end it. The following day (Monday) you completely switched, thinking you might still have feelings... and vowed to give it another month. Then literally one day later (today) you switched again, and suddenly realized he is not for you, he is too simple, a dud, so you broke up with him. These rapid changes in mood are symptoms of Bipolar Dis, I should know because I experience the same exact mood swings myself from time to time. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow you wake up feeling completely differently and possibly even regret your decision! That is why I think it's important to take some time for yourself (a couple of months at least) before jumping back into another RL. Sort out your feelings, do some introspection to determine why you were so intent on convincing yourself you actually LOVED this guy.... became so anxious when you didn't hear from him, almost to the point of near obsession, but then came to discover after a period of back and forth with your emotions.... he actually meant nothing to you... probably never did, and now that it is over, you are relieved, on a sort of high because of it. I wish you nothing by the best you know that... but please consider what I wrote above. I could be off, but being that we suffer from the same disorder, it makes a lot of sense to me. Best of luck girlfriend! 2
Author Dis Posted June 29, 2016 Author Posted June 29, 2016 No, I stand by what I wrote. He might not have been right for you and he may not have been filled w deep thoughts, but it sounds like he was a pretty decent guy overall. Not a dud by any stretch. Just not right for you. Oh so you met him??? Small world
katiegrl Posted June 29, 2016 Posted June 29, 2016 Oh so you met him??? Small world Dis there is no need to get defensive hon... for two months you posted some awesome things about him, how great he was, etc. Notwithstanding that he wasn't a great texter, but many people aren't great texters, that means nothing. So I don't think it is too much of a stretch for us to think he was a good guy who treated you well... based on what you posted. Right?
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