Maybe it's easier to be alone

[Dis]

Sorry...I've been very stressed getting ready for nursing school. I got accepted...I start in the fall. I'm excited but theres alot to do and alot of deadlines

 

I saw him on Sunday night and it went really well. I asked him what had been going on with him...he said he just needed some breathing room after the vaca (like many of you suspected) He said he's always liked time alone after he hangs out with him family or friends or gf. I told him I understoof that and I wouldve been fine with that if he had communicated with me that that was the case.

 

I told him I didnt like being ignored and I was very confused as to where his head was at. He said he was sorry....he said our relationship is the first serious one he's had since his ex (2 years ago) so hes adjusting to meeting his responsibilities in our relationship.

 

I asked him if he was alittle scared how serious things are getting with us. He said not at all. I was glad to hear that.

 

We both communicated productivly and calmly and got our points across. I also apologized for cancelling on him. I told him why I did too...how I felt like I needed to pull back because he was. He said he understood that.

 

I was actually surprised at how well he communicated with me because he's always seemed very simple and oblivious. Now I dont think he's as simple as I pegged him to be. He was much better at communicating than I thought he would be.

 

That night he showed me the mac and cheese he had made 2 nights prior. He said he made extra for me (its my fav). So while I was thinking it was over he was making extra mac and cheese for me. Kind of funny how differently we interpreted the situtation.

 

He was very affectionate that night...more so than before. He told me he missed me...that he loved me... that I looked beautiful. He's always sweet and affectionate in person but I could tell after the space we had from each other things were better than normal. We had sex twice. Once at night and once in the morning.

 

All is well again

 

Like I said things have been really stressful for me with school...and he's such an idiot over text....I always feel really distant from him and unattached when we're apart and texting. I dont feel like he's been supportive over text. He's so cold over text but in person he's so warm and loving. I know alot of people think texting doesnt matter and maybe it doesnt...maybe I need to get over how cool he is over text. I've just always dated guys that were great with texting....whereas he sucks

 

I'm really tired..only got 3 hours of sleep last night. I'm still not sure if I want to be with him for the long haul. Still figuring things out. Its just really difficult because I go from feeling so loved by him in person to feeling so disconnected when we're not together. Maybe thats my problem...I think it is. His communication in person is great...over text he sucks

Edited June 21, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[Gaeta]

I go from feeling so loved by him in person to feeling so disconnected when we're not together. Maybe thats my problem...I think it is. His communication in person is great...over text he sucks

 

You cannot possibly break up with a good man just because you do not feel connected over text. You won't build a life with him over text.

 

Your relationship is too young still to expect this great connection couples have after a couple of years. I feel you are burning the candle by both ends with these ILY barely 8 weeks in.

 

You need to chill and enjoy the moment.

 

My bf and I don't text at all. During the day we concentrate on our work and at night we concentrate on each other. When I see him at 19h or 20h it's always special. If you stop texting during the day then you will never be annoyed that he is not texting back. How do you think our parents connected without text? They lived in the moment.

[Dis]

You cannot possibly break up with a good man just because you do not feel connected over text. You won't build a life with him over text.

 

Your relationship is too young still to expect this great connection couples have after a couple of years. I feel you are burning the candle by both ends with these ILY barely 8 weeks in.

 

You need to chill and enjoy the moment.

 

My bf and I don't text at all. During the day we concentrate on our work and at night we concentrate on each other. When I see him at 19h or 20h it's always special. If you stop texting during the day then you will never be annoyed that he is not texting back. How do you think our parents connected without text? They lived in the moment.

 

Thank you for that Gaeta...I truly truly appreciate your perspective and it confirms what I've been thinking in the back of my head....that its ridiculous to measure the worth our relationship based on texts....I guess I just needed to hear that from someone else

 

You're also correct that I cant expect to have this amazing connection with him when we've only been together for 2 and a half months. Sometimes I accidentaly compare it to my previous relationship (we were together for 2 and a half years). I have to stop doing that. A connection grows over time...I need to stop worrying and let it evolve on its own.

 

And yes...god idea...I'm going to pump the breaks with the texting...I really dont text him much but he's the kind of person where theres no point in texting him unless we're making plans or just saying Hi quickly. In person is where he shines.

 

Really needed to hear that Gaeta. Thank you

[losangelena]

Would you rather have a good boyfriend or a good texter?

[angel.eyes]

Try phone calls instead of texts when you have to communicate. Some people aren't good at texting. That doesn't mean they aren't good partners.

[Dis]

Would you rather have a good boyfriend or a good texter?

 

Try phone calls instead of texts when you have to communicate. Some people aren't good at texting. That doesn't mean they aren't good partners.

 

I agree with both your points...for example my ex was a great texter but a horrible bf. Points taken.

 

My birthday is in 3 days. I stopped over his place because I forgot my glasses (cant see anything without the when I take my contacts out)

 

I asked him what was up for my birthday..he asked me what I wanted to do. I know he just spent alot of money on the trip (Hes a corrections officer...he doesnt make alot) so I suggested we just chill in and have pizza and drinks...he agreed.

 

Still couldnt get it out of my head that he said he would take that night off of work and he didnt...I know that showed alittle (didnt say anything though and I had a super stressful day...and told him about it so he knew I was stressed) but I quickly shook it off and let him know I'm happy with our plans. I'm not going to be dumb about this

 

Its going to be my 30th birthday (Ahhhhh! ) So I wonder what hes going to do. He doesnt have an extravagant personality so I'm honestly not expecting too much...he also doesnt care about birthdays. We're probably going on a beach trip end of August...his birthday will be during that trip....I asked him if that would be a problem...he said no, he could care less about his birthday. He asked me what I wanted. I said I never ask for specific things and that I'll love whatever he comes up with. We've only been dating for 2 and a half months so this birthday will probably be low key...which I dont mind at all

 

After I saw him today and we hugged alot and kissed...I realized I need to put the texting thing out of my head.

 

I've been feeling better about things latley. I'm not freaked out all the time...dont feel that sense of impending doom anymore. I honestly feel much better. I think I'm starting to feel secure in this relationship....starting to. I'm letting go of my need to control this Couldnt have done it without all the great advice I recieved :bunny:

[BaileyB]

Glad you are feeling better.

 

I have a dear friend who tells me all the time that the key to a good relationship/marriage is to have low expectations... That way you are never disappointed.

 

I hope you have a nice birthday. It's a big one so I understand why you would want it to be special... But try to keep your expectations in check. All will be well.

[Dis]

Glad you are feeling better.

 

I have a dear friend who tells me all the time that the key to a good relationship/marriage is to have low expectations... That way you are never disappointed.

 

I hope you have a nice birthday. It's a big one so I understand why you would want it to be special... But try to keep your expectations in check. All will be well.

 

Thanks BaileyB! Such great advice there and I've heard that before too. I def wont have expectations going into this. I'm going to be coming from a neutral point of view...I'm also celebrating with my gfs on the actual day so that'll be awesome too. I'm in a good head space...finally lol

[losangelena]

I dunno, I feel a bit differently about your bday. Your BF has asked you at least twice now what you'd like to do. Are pizza and drinks in really what you want to do for your 30th? Is that your honest answer, or the answer you think you should give, considering that he just took you on a trip and isn't someone who cares about birthdays at all?

 

I would be honest with him on this point. Mainly because at two months in, you can bet that he probably wants all the help he can get in learning your preferences (my ex, who sounds quite similar, literally needed to be told what to do the first few together holidays; romantic, it wasn't). Saying you want to go out, for instance, isn't wrong. It doesn't make you sound entitled, either. If that's what you want to do, then at least he knows that, and if he can't make it happen on your exact bday, then you can make a plan-b, come up with another night, etc. But you saying pizza and drinks when you wish he'd take you out is a recipe for resentment, which you already stated in this thread you've felt.

 

I wouldn't change course at this point, but maybe it's something to keep in mind for next time. But when he asks you point-blank what you want, that's your opportunity to be honest. That helps him get to know you better, and keeps resentment at bay. Which is a relationship killer.

[Gaeta]

Hon, at 30, do you really need to celebrate your birthday on D day? Trust him. Maybe after the trip he's a bit short on cash and prefers to not miss a day of work. There could be many reasons not related to you. Give him a break.

[joseb]

Regarding the birthday think, 30 is a kinda big number, so I can understand why you might want to make a bit of a deal about it (even though I didnt, I dont really like birthdays). However, IF I was into it, *I* would be planning something, and it would involve all my friends, and I definitely would not be expecting someone I just met 2 months ago to be the one tasked with it all.

[katiegrl]

Dis, call me crazy but I am getting the distinct impression you are looking for reasons to end this...

 

Are you not as into him as you initially were?

 

I dunno, something is sounding very off here ... and I can't help but feel *you* are not as excited about him anymore, and losing your attraction. And perhaps projecting some of those feelings on to him?

And assuming he doesn't care?

 

I could be wrong....

Edited June 22, 2016 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

Regarding the birthday think, 30 is a kinda big number, so I can understand why you might want to make a bit of a deal about it (even though I didnt, I dont really like birthdays). However, IF I was into it, *I* would be planning something, and it would involve all my friends, and I definitely would not be expecting someone I just met 2 months ago to be the one tasked with it all.

 

I had this same thought. I was driving to a writers' conference on my 30th birthday, but there are many years where I'm planning a get together. Wanting to celebrate your bday, even as an adult, isn't a crime. But the onus of that should not be on one person, especially not a new BF.

[Dis]

I dunno, I feel a bit differently about your bday. Your BF has asked you at least twice now what you'd like to do. Are pizza and drinks in really what you want to do for your 30th? Is that your honest answer, or the answer you think you should give, considering that he just took you on a trip and isn't someone who cares about birthdays at all?

 

I would be honest with him on this point. Mainly because at two months in, you can bet that he probably wants all the help he can get in learning your preferences (my ex, who sounds quite similar, literally needed to be told what to do the first few together holidays; romantic, it wasn't). Saying you want to go out, for instance, isn't wrong. It doesn't make you sound entitled, either. If that's what you want to do, then at least he knows that, and if he can't make it happen on your exact bday, then you can make a plan-b, come up with another night, etc. But you saying pizza and drinks when you wish he'd take you out is a recipe for resentment, which you already stated in this thread you've felt.

 

I wouldn't change course at this point, but maybe it's something to keep in mind for next time. But when he asks you point-blank what you want, that's your opportunity to be honest. That helps him get to know you better, and keeps resentment at bay. Which is a relationship killer.

 

Regarding the birthday think, 30 is a kinda big number, so I can understand why you might want to make a bit of a deal about it (even though I didnt, I dont really like birthdays). However, IF I was into it, *I* would be planning something, and it would involve all my friends, and I definitely would not be expecting someone I just met 2 months ago to be the one tasked with it all.

 

I had this same thought. I was driving to a writers' conference on my 30th birthday, but there are many years where I'm planning a get together. Wanting to celebrate your bday, even as an adult, isn't a crime. But the onus of that should not be on one person, especially not a new BF.

 

Ok....yes I did want to do something on my birthday besides stay in...but the reason why I told him it was fine was because:

 

1). After the trip he told me he couldnt go all out for my birthday because he had just spent alot of money on the hotel etc. He also said another time (unrelated to my bday) that we'd have to curb going out after the trip. So I took those two things as....I should probably not ask to go out for my bday. I think I might have been wrong there

2). I just had to pay an unexpected (huge) bill and I dont have alot of money to chip in. I dont know if I should chip in but he just told me a week ago he's going to be tight on cash after the trip

 

Yes I do feel like I'd resent him...alittle....if we just stayed in. But I thought I was feeling too entitled because he just spent alot on the trip...and he doesnt make alot

 

I can see where I went wrong here because he asked me, "What do you want to do?"

 

That was my chance to be honest and say I wanted to go out for dinner....****

 

Ok what do I do now??? Should I tell him I had a change of heart and would like to go out for dinner??? I could chip in alittle and wouldnt mind doing that. But now I dont know if I should change plans with him...

 

Maybe I should just be honest with him....tell him I actually would like to go out for my bday because its my 30th...I just didnt know if he would be ok with that because he just spent alot on the trip.

 

I think it might be ok to tell him that...I think he'd rather I be honest with him now(even if its late) so he knows I had a good bday and did what I wanted to do

 

Does that sound ok though???

 

Or should I just let it go now???

Edited June 22, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[Versacehottie]

I think you should either pay for a fun night yourself and ask him to be there (even if you need to put it on your credit card) so you can enjoy the day in the way you imagined. OR mentally commit to celebrating it in about a month AS IF it was the actual day (either mostly paying for it yourself or having him chip in what he can). I don't know, I know lots of people who throw their own over-the-top birthday celebrations. It's a kind thing to do for your guests and allows you to have the type of birthday celebration you want.

 

If it's just you two, you can just be as simple as: "I love this particular restaurant, want to try this one or would love to do this event on my birthday; I can't think of who I'd rather share the experience with than you so I'd like you to come as my guest". I'm guessing that will be a relief (financially and the stress of planning for a new gf) to him. It solves the issue and you both get what you want.

[Dis]

So I went with my gut and I was just honest with him....

 

I said, "So I've been doing alittle thinking. If its ok with you I would like to go on thursday just because its my 30th. When you asked me what I wanted to do I didnt know it that would be ok with you bcuz you had just spent alot on the trip. We def dont have to go anywhere fancy or anything like that. And if you're tight on cash we dont have to go out...I would be fine staying in too."

 

He said, "Thats fine we can go out"

 

I'm glad I said something because I'd be alittle disappointed and resentful if we just stayed in.

 

I really dont ever have bday parties...except for with my family. Usually I just go out with friends and/or my bf to a restaurant for dinner and drinks.

 

I'm going out with my gfs on my actual bday in two days

 

I hope I did the right thing here. I've learned I have to trust myself alittle more about the decisions I make in this relationship.

 

I think I'll throw $20 in at dinner just so he doesnt have to pay for the whole thing

[Dis]

Dis, call me crazy but I am getting the distinct impression you are looking for reasons to end this...

 

Are you not as into him as you initially were?

 

I dunno, something is sounding very off here ... and I can't help but feel *you* are not as excited about him anymore, and losing your attraction. And perhaps projecting some of those feelings on to him?

And assuming he doesn't care?

 

I could be wrong....

 

Almost every time you post you're spot on...but here I'm feeling the exact opposite

 

I have a new more positive outlook on him ever since we talked Sunday night. I really dont think I was giving him and us a fair chance

 

So I'm starting fresh, from a new clear head space so I can evaluate things more clearly

 

I think my judgements of him were alittle clouded because of how fearful I was

 

Now that I'm feeling secure...I want to move forward and I think I'll be able to evaluate things more effectively now

 

I'm not saying he's def the one for me....still need to figure that out

[angel.eyes]

Not being honest about what you want now, will only hurt you later in the relationship. If you say pizza is fine. Then he'll assume that's how you like to spend birthdays and special occasions. After five years of birthday pizza, you can't snap at him that he didn't take you out for your birthday. Don't expect your boyfriend to be a mind reader.

 

Making a birthday special doesn't have to be expensive. You can be creative, with it still costing next to nothing. I don't know where you live, but you could pack a picnic and have it on the beach for example while you watch the sunset and play board games. Walk along the beach or go swimming in the ocean afterwards. That's one idea. There are hundreds of other ways to make the day and the time you spend together feel special and memorable.

 

Personally, I would have said, I want to go out, and I want it to be special. Guys will amaze you with how creative they get, if you just give them some sense of which direction to head in when making plans. No way would I say let's stay in at your place and do pizza, when that's not what I really want.

 

Pizza at his feels like a rut anyway. You've had mac and cheese at his. You had some other pasta dish there as well IIRC. It seems as if aside from this weekend away, a lot of your dates involve just going over to eat at his place. If you want a little more variety (and I'm not talking about the comfort foods), then don't pretend to want what you think seems least "demanding." Learn to communicate honestly about your likes, preferences, and wants. It makes for a much easier relationship, with less angst and resentment.

[lil_missy]

Why does he have to pay for your bday? He just paid for a holiday for you? Does he have to pay for everything in a relationship?

[angel.eyes]

So I went with my gut and I was just honest with him....

 

I said, "So I've been doing alittle thinking. If its ok with you I would like to go on thursday just because its my 30th. When you asked me what I wanted to do I didnt know it that would be ok with you bcuz you had just spent alot on the trip. We def dont have to go anywhere fancy or anything like that. And if you're tight on cash we dont have to go out...I would be fine staying in too."

Good for you!

 

There are tons of options out there--besides pizza or a restaurant dinner.

[Dis]

Good for you!

 

There are tons of options out there--besides pizza or a restaurant dinner.

 

Hmmmm....I dont know what else to do because I can only contribute $20 or $40. We dont live close to the beach....we're meeting up at 8pm tomorrow night.

 

What else can we do???

[Dis]

Why does he have to pay for your bday? He just paid for a holiday for you? Does he have to pay for everything in a relationship?

 

I'm throwing in $20 or $40 for dinner or whatever we end up doing

 

And sweetie, Why are you assuming he pays for everything?

 

Has that been stated by me anywhere in this thread?

 

On our trip I contributed plenty of money

[katiegrl]

Almost every time you post you're spot on...but here I'm feeling the exact opposite

 

I have a new more positive outlook on him ever since we talked Sunday night. I really dont think I was giving him and us a fair chance

 

So I'm starting fresh, from a new clear head space so I can evaluate things more clearly

 

I think my judgements of him were alittle clouded because of how fearful I was

 

Now that I'm feeling secure...I want to move forward and I think I'll be able to evaluate things more effectively now

 

I'm not saying he's def the one for me....still need to figure that out

 

Okay great that makes me happy...

 

I wasn't sure which is why I asked.... it just seemed for a second there that you weren't happy and were thinking about ending it.

 

Glad to hear I was wrong!

 

Happy Birthday (early) and have fun whatever you do!

[angel.eyes]

Hmmmm....I dont know what else to do because I can only contribute $20 or $40. We dont live close to the beach....we're meeting up at 8pm tomorrow night.

 

What else can we do???

 

That depends on both your interests and your location, neither of which I know. I also don't know what events are going on around you. It's summertime, so there's generally tons of free, fun stuff happening.

[Dis]

Hon, at 30, do you really need to celebrate your birthday on D day? Trust him. Maybe after the trip he's a bit short on cash and prefers to not miss a day of work. There could be many reasons not related to you. Give him a break.

 

I dont expect him to celebrate my bday on the day....the only reason why I brought that up is because a month ago he said he would get the night off.

 

So it just confused me alittle that he chose not to.

 

I know theres a good chance he could easily switch shifts with another co-worker. He switched shifts when I had my ceremony at school a few weeks ago.

 

So I'm still alittle confused by that...thats all.

 

But ya...there could be many reasons why didnt that dont have anything to do with me