Author Dis Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 Hey Dis, First, I think your feelings on everything are justified. I wouldn't be too thrilled if I went away with a guy and then he started pulling back. Especially after launching the ILU's and crap. When a guy pulls back though, you pull back too. Don't let it get to you. But don't beat yourself up either if it does trigger you at first. Use the space as time to do your thing. And if you think about it and his behaviour really bothers you and doesn't feel ok, then think about if this is the relationship you really want, as you have been doing. I'm going to have to disagree about the immediate response being that you should get therapy. Your behaviour isn't even that bad and in a way it's saying that YOU are the problem. I think you were on the right track in thinking "That's not how I would treat someone." There are men who are on the same page as you. If anything should change, I think it's your immediate response that something is wrong with you or that you did something. The other points you mentioned about him talking about himself, not being very deep and you not being able to share your true self... well they are huge. Do not overlook this. I don't think a man can truly love you if he doesn't explore who you are as a person. And there are men that won't be able to get enough of you. Vacation or not. Matching space needs, or at least matching space needs with each other are very important. Thanks so much CS. I appreciate your understanding. I'm pretty disappointed in him. Before he was all gung ho and now hes pulling back. Maybe thats normal for a few days but the ignoring part isnt. I hope I was right for canceling on him...I mean I do want to send a message here....I dont want him to think I'll come crawling when he ignores me. He doesnt think about things very much...hes very simple. I know this sounds strange but I dont think he thinks anything has changed. I think hes oblivious to all this. And I'm concerned about what seems to be our incompatibilties. I havent made up my mind yet if they're deal breakers or not. I'm going to have to do some serious thinking. Honestly I'm alittle sad already because now I know this might not work out....now I know I might pull the plug. The thing is...I have very strong feelings for him...we got close. Before this whole thing happened he was so sweet and kind....I was really into him despite the 2 things I mentioned. Its wierd how everything changed over night. And yes matching space needs....before this ignoring thing happened...we were on the same page with that. But now were not. This feels like a pivotal point in our relationship....and I'm not liking this change in him ontop of everything else
Cinnamonstix Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I have replied to your message twice, but it doesn't show as sent. Did you get it?
Author Dis Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 I have replied to your message twice, but it doesn't show as sent. Did you get it? Yup got both and I replied. Thanks CS!
Author Dis Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 I texted him at 8pm saying, "Hey cant make it tonight" He texted me when he got out of work, "Ok...Sorry I just saw this now." I know his texts pretty well by now...he didnt see that coming and might be able to tell I'm upset...usually he responds with one word to things like that I didnt say anything back. He can come to me. I have some thinking to do anyway
frus69 Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I texted him at 8pm saying, "Hey cant make it tonight" He texted me when he got out of work, "Ok...Sorry I just saw this now." I know his texts pretty well by now...he didnt see that coming and might be able to tell I'm upset...usually he responds with one word to things like that I didnt say anything back. He can come to me. I have some thinking to do anyway I doubt he can tell you are upset. Can't you stop being so passive aggressive and just talk about the issue? If you want something, just tell him. If you have questions, just ask. Why let him guess? I really don't understand why you canceled seeing him. Why play the push and pull, you guys are in a relationship, open communication please? Drop the game. Also your overthinking is going to ruin this relationship 5
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Hey D I can relate - I am very anxious naturally and go through exactly the same thought processes. Just want to say that maybe losing this guy would not be such a huge loss. I tried to make it work with someoene that was very simple minded for most of last year. After a couple of months when the "OMG I am dating someone where attraction is mutal!" wore off, I realized that I could not share large parts of myself with my ex. He was only capable of superficial conversation about food, weather, sex, sports...with inability to understand more complex thoughts and emotions. I would often open up to him about something in depth and he would mostly stay silent or give me generic one liners, clearly not getting me. I waited for him to perhaps open up in time but it never happened. Ultimately I felt like my needs for deep conversation weren't being met and I grew increasingly depressed at the thought of staying with him. I think what you describe with him is a major dealbreaker so in the bigger picture it's unlikely to work. I also think that your anxiety is a separate issue. Hope you are feeling better 1
Cinnamonstix Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I doubt he can tell you are upset. Can't you stop being so passive aggressive and just talk about the issue? If you want something, just tell him. If you have questions, just ask. Why let him guess? I really don't understand why you canceled seeing him. Why play the push and pull, you guys are in a relationship, open communication please? Drop the game. Also your overthinking is going to ruin this relationship OP isn't playing games, she just realized it was probably a bad idea to see him given that she is unsure how she feels right now. So she followed her feelings and cancelled.
Author Dis Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 He texted me today, "Hey, we obviously need to talk and figure out whats going on with us." I said, "You seemed like you needed some space after our trip." Then I figured texting about this wasnt going to suffice so I said, "Maybe figuring this out over text isnt the best idea. If you want I can come over your place tomorrow." He said, "Thats what I meant, not text. Ya tomorrow works." So after some thought (I came to this conclusion last night) I've decided I want to give the relationship a bit more of a try before I pull the plug. That is my goal here. To try alittle bit more and hold off on ending it. But now I'm wondering if its even worth going over his place and trying to work on things because he might break up with me. I'm not sure if thats what he's trying to say??? If he is I'd rather he do it over text I was thinking I should text him and say, Just want to let you know I dont want to break up. That way I can gauge his response to see if thats what hes going to do. I dont want to go if hes going to break up with me. Its not like I'd be devasted because I dont even know if I truly want to be with him. I'd just rather he did it over text. I dont know if I'm doing the usual thing I do....thinking every bump in the road is the end (as another poster mentioned) or if I actually have a reason to believe this is what he's trying to say.
katiegrl Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Hate to sound like negative nellie but wondering why he just didn't CALL YOU and ask you out! Tonight! Go to dinner, talk, have some fun! You could talk then. Why all this drama -- *obviously we need to talk about us* .... in a text message... ugh!!! It has been a week right? With little to no contact? What's that saying, hope for the best, expect the worst? Frankly I think you deserve better than this crap Dis.. This shouldn't be happening only two months in. Hope it works out the way you hope it will though..... Try not to over-think, do you have plans tonight?
joseb Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Maybe he is picking up on the fact that Dis has changed the way she replies - no 'babe' etc, and she cancelled coming over. And so he knows something must be up. I can't remember from before, but didn't Dis initially say something like 'we need to talk' before too? Anyway, agreed, try not to overthink it, you are just meeting and having a chat about where things are going and where you would like them to go. 4
katiegrl Posted June 18, 2016 Posted June 18, 2016 Maybe he is picking up on the fact that Dis has changed the way she replies - no 'babe' etc, and she cancelled coming over. And so he knows something must be up. I can't remember from before, but didn't Dis initially say something like 'we need to talk' before too? Anyway, agreed, try not to overthink it, you are just meeting and having a chat about where things are going and where you would like them to go. Good point...... Dis nevermind my previous. Think positive, meet him tomorrow, talk, and decide what you want to do after that.... Hopefully it is just a small wrinkle and you guys can iron it out.... Keep us posted! 1
Author Dis Posted June 18, 2016 Author Posted June 18, 2016 He did pick up the fact I was feeling off because after I canceled he replied with, "Ok..Sorry didnt see this until now." He has never once apologized for replying to a text late...I know the way he texts and how he acts over the phone. He was thinking...uh oh she's upset with me now. I've never canceled on him either...so that probably sent a message. I dont think he was being dramatic when he sent this new text today. I honestly think he's concered because I'm always so lovey dovey over text and that hasnt been the case latley. From what I know about him I think its entirely possibe he's thinking the same things I am right now. Worrying and wondering if I want to be with him. I'm glad he picked up on this and took the initiative to say something about the situation....hes being proactive. Thats what I wanted from him. I think he's probably feeling unsettled right now. I've learned (from another poster) that while people give great advice on here...only I really know him and our relationship....after some clear thinking, I probably have the closest idea as to whats going on in his head right now. I dont think he wants to break up...I think he just wants to talk, as some of you have mentioned. I also think he might be hurt too...that I cancelled. I know I may not have made the best move there but I do think that hurt him alittle. Under the short texts and the simple man he is...he actually is a sensitive guy We'll see how this goes though. I could be wrong...some of you could be right 1
Versacehottie Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Maybe he is picking up on the fact that Dis has changed the way she replies - no 'babe' etc, and she cancelled coming over. And so he knows something must be up. I can't remember from before, but didn't Dis initially say something like 'we need to talk' before too? Anyway, agreed, try not to overthink it, you are just meeting and having a chat about where things are going and where you would like them to go. Yes, I agree with this, Dis. You don't need to know the purpose of the meeting. Assume good. The majority of guys are not really that confrontational (especially after 2 months) where he is going to want you to come over so you can be broken up with! Possible, yes. Likely, no! Anyway, it will help your anxiety to "face things". Knowing beforehand what it is about is just more of your anxiety DEMANDING to know. You just need to get confident that whatever it is, you will be fine. I think your answer to him about "it seemed like he needed space after trip" was good. Don't assume more than that. You know that part due to his actions. You don't know the reasons. Now he will explain the reasons. You can handle whatever he says. Usually growth of some sort comes from these types of interactions vs the other type you were headed for. Go over there with confidence tomorrow. 1
katiegrl Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 (edited) He did pick up the fact I was feeling off because after I canceled he replied with, "Ok..Sorry didnt see this until now." He has never once apologized for replying to a text late...I know the way he texts and how he acts over the phone. He was thinking...uh oh she's upset with me now. I've never canceled on him either...so that probably sent a message. I dont think he was being dramatic when he sent this new text today. I honestly think he's concered because I'm always so lovey dovey over text and that hasnt been the case latley. From what I know about him I think its entirely possibe he's thinking the same things I am right now. Worrying and wondering if I want to be with him. I'm glad he picked up on this and took the initiative to say something about the situation....hes being proactive. Thats what I wanted from him. I think he's probably feeling unsettled right now. I've learned (from another poster) that while people give great advice on here...only I really know him and our relationship....after some clear thinking, I probably have the closest idea as to whats going on in his head right now. I dont think he wants to break up...I think he just wants to talk, as some of you have mentioned. I also think he might be hurt too...that I cancelled. I know I may not have made the best move there but I do think that hurt him alittle. Under the short texts and the simple man he is...he actually is a sensitive guy We'll see how this goes though. I could be wrong...some of you could be right I agree with what that *other poster* told you for the most part .. problem is often times it is difficult to think clearly when it concerns ourselves and we are emotional. For me, the advice i have gotten on this board has been tremendous and has helped me a lot... most recently after my ex contacted me and wanted to see me. I was all excited and ready to see him, until the good folks on this board advised me not to, and I am so glad they did! Being so close to the situation and emotionally involved, I needed to hear it from others for it to sink in... that it was a terrible idea to see him. Now I am truly able to move on for good! Sure our advice may be off from time to time, you take it all in and then decide what is best for you... Edit:. I think it is wrong when *other posters* send a private message and advise not to follow other posters' advice on the board... seems to happen quite a bit around here... Seems rather hypocritical to me. Edited June 19, 2016 by katiegrl 2
Author Dis Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 I agree with what that *other poster* told you for the most part .. problem is often times it is difficult to think clearly when it concerns ourselves and we are emotional. For me, the advice i have gotten on this board has been tremendous and has helped me a lot... most recently after my ex contacted me and wanted to see me. I was all excited and ready to see him, until the good folks on this board advised me not to, and I am so glad they did! Being so close to the situation and emotionally involved, I needed to hear it from others for it to sink in... that it was a terrible idea to see him. Now I am truly able to move on for good! Sure our advice may be off from time to time, you take it all in and then decide what is best for you... Edit:. I think it is wrong when *other posters* send a private message and advise not to follow other posters' advice on the board... seems to happen quite a bit around here... Seems rather hypocritical to me. No no dont get me wrong...I NEED the advice here...its invaluable to me. But when I'm relying soley on the advice I get here rather than also listening to my gut...thats something I need to work on. I will always value all of your input and it has helped me SO much and will continue to. I'm very grateful for that I'm so so so glad you didnt meet up with your ex. I know I'm far from the wisest person here but I wouldve told you not to as well. That wouldve opened up a can of worms and hindered your healing process. I'm really glad you're ok and didnt get sucked back into that. You have a huge heart and I know you're going to move on to great things in life. I also know how hard it is leaving someone you love behind. I'm glad you're taking care of you! I PM'd some people here...they didnt come to me. I really didnt mean to step on anyone's toes.... I just felt lost and was looking for some one on one advice. I appreciate everyone's input, I truly do. I also saw your post that you misspoke...its no problem...happens to me all the time on here 1
angel.eyes Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 It seems like a lot of game playing and passive-aggressiveness! Anxiety early on in a relationship is totally normal, when you're emotionally invested in the person. There's nothing wrong with being a little worried when things change slightly, as they invariably will. That being said I'm a big fan of direct communication. I would have sent a simple text with "Miss you, boo. I'm going through withdrawal after our great weekend." Then wait for him to get back to you. Inviting yourself over, then cancelling...being abrupt when you message...seems passive-aggressive and counterproductive. Rather than having him second-guess about what might be going on, communicate what it is that has you concerned and what you want. Ditto for your birthday. I wanted to spend my birthday with my boyfriend. I told him I was going to my parents a day early to celebrate, so that I could spend the actual day with him. Be clear about what you want with your partner. It's difficult for a relationship to progress when it's full of second-guessing and trying to read the tea leaves of the other person's behavior, responses, and moods He sounds like a great guy, albeit not perfect, but who is? Your relationship was off to a great start. I'm not sure why you're letting a minor divot in the path derail everything. 6
Imajerk17 Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 (edited) As a guy, I have to give my opinion here. I wonder if he thinks Disillusionment is about to break up with HIM. This is how it looks from his end: 1. OP offered to go to his place the other night, he said sure! 2. OP decided that "it wasn't a good idea" and she cancelled, and now she is being a bit distant via text. 3. So now the boyfriend is confused and thinks that SHE is over him. If this guy is like 95% of dudes out there, he has no idea how much the OP's mind was spinning and the webs she was weaving the past few days. All this reacting and overanalyzing and overreacting and doubling back when probably all that was going on from the poor guy's end was that he just needed to take care of stuff and then go to the gym to blow off steam. Edited June 19, 2016 by Imajerk17 9
Author Dis Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 As a guy, I have to give my opinion here. I wonder if he thinks Disillusionment is about to break up with HIM. This is how it looks from his end: 1. OP offered to go to his place the other night, he said sure! 2. OP decided that "it wasn't a good idea" and she cancelled, and now she is being a bit distant via text. 3. So now the boyfriend is confused and thinks that SHE is over him. If this guy is like 95% of dudes out there, he has no idea how much the OP's mind was spinning and the webs she was weaving the past few days. All this reacting and overanalyzing and overreacting and doubling back when probably all that was going on from the poor guy's end was that he just needed to take care of stuff and then go to the gym to blow off steam. Wow...thats so funny you said that because ever since my mind calmed down...thats exactly what I think too! He's such a simple guy...he probably didnt think anything had changed until I cancelled on him. If he knew everything that was going on in my mind he'd be shocked! He was probably thinking about either a). Golf or b). The gym haha Ya I'm pretty sure he's getting worried and feeling pretty trepidatious. I think its def a possibility he thinks I'm going to end things. He told me last week that on our first date he thought I was stunning...he thought he'd just enjoy the night with me because after the date he'd never hear from me again I think I'm forgetting he's vunerable too. I think he might be thinking the same things I am 1
angel.eyes Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 I think I'm forgetting he's vunerable too. I think he might be thinking the same things I am Yes. It's important to remember that he's just as emotionally vulnerable, and given your behavior, now he's probably anxious and unsure too. 1
Author Dis Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 It seems like a lot of game playing and passive-aggressiveness! Anxiety early on in a relationship is totally normal, when you're emotionally invested in the person. There's nothing wrong with being a little worried when things change slightly, as they invariably will. That being said I'm a big fan of direct communication. I would have sent a simple text with "Miss you, boo. I'm going through withdrawal after our great weekend." Then wait for him to get back to you. Inviting yourself over, then cancelling...being abrupt when you message...seems passive-aggressive and counterproductive. Rather than having him second-guess about what might be going on, communicate what it is that has you concerned and what you want. Ditto for your birthday. I wanted to spend my birthday with my boyfriend. I told him I was going to my parents a day early to celebrate, so that I could spend the actual day with him. Be clear about what you want with your partner. It's difficult for a relationship to progress when it's full of second-guessing and trying to read the tea leaves of the other person's behavior, responses, and moods He sounds like a great guy, albeit not perfect, but who is? Your relationship was off to a great start. I'm not sure why you're letting a minor divot in the path derail everything. I really appreciate that angel.eyes. I'm sure my actions do come across as passive agressive...they're actually just coming from a place of fear. I whole heartedly agree that open/direct communication is important and a relationship cannot survive without it. Speaking of open/direct communication..I just did something some posters may or may not agree with... 1
Author Dis Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 After realizing that he's probably feeling nervous about things and maybe thinks I might break up with him...I wanted to send him a text to really let him know where my head was at before we enter this discussion tomorrow... I said, "Hey I was thinking about things...the past week I kinda got a wierd vibe from you...that made me alittle confused...thats why I pulled back. I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry. I shouldve just communicated with you. I want to figure this out with you tomorrow." I attached a pic I took of him at the beach. Its a pic of him taking a pic of the water. He saw it in my phone that weekend and I could tell he liked that I took it. He replied, "I'm sorry too..lack of communication on both sides." I drew the deepest breath because I do want to give this relationship more of a chance....I dont want to throw away something that I havent given a fair chance yet. I said, "Its ok. I'll see you tomorrow." He said, "K sounds good " I'm really glad I put that out there. That was me being honest and putting myself in a vunerable place for the first time in 4 days. I feel better about tomorrow. I know he does too 3
angel.eyes Posted June 19, 2016 Posted June 19, 2016 Good for you! I'm glad you went with your gut and reached out to him. I hope it's a very productive conversation tomorrow. 1
Author Dis Posted June 19, 2016 Author Posted June 19, 2016 Good for you! I'm glad you went with your gut and reached out to him. I hope it's a very productive conversation tomorrow. Thanks! I'll keep you posted!
katiegrl Posted June 21, 2016 Posted June 21, 2016 Thanks! I'll keep you posted! Hey Dis.... did you guys talk the other night? Everything okay? Hope so! 1
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