Maybe it's easier to be alone

[AMJ]

I think you should definitely say what's on your mind, and it seems like you're in the right place to talk about your concerns in a productive manner. Good luck!

 

Also, I know lots of simpletons who wind up being much more complex when given the chance. He might be more deep than he seems, it may take him longer to open up to you.

[katiegrl]

Dis, if you DO choose to mention it (not confront that sounds too extreme).... be light-hearted about it -- don't turn it into this big dramatic conflict that needs resolving... too heavy.

 

If it were me I would present it in almost in a playful way (light banter) like when you see him go -- "hey stranger! Where you been?" with a wink and a smile if you know what I mean.... something like that. Playful and fun. But it lets him know YOU noticed he hasn't been around and has been ignoring you, but that you are a cool chick and NOT gonna make a big deal about it.

 

Definitely do not accuse him of doing anything "wrong"..... he will just get defensive and deem you needy and clingy.

 

I honestly think he just needed a couple of days on his own after spending all weekend with you .... as I said my ex did the same thing and I was always cool about it. Together six years.

 

I didn't text and call him though, just left him alone... so the fact you did and he just ignored is a bit different than my situation ...

 

Good luck hun and let us know how this turns out!

[hippychick3]

I would definitely have a conversation with him. Yes, it's natural for a man to want to reestablish some autonomy after a long weekend of togetherness. But it's not natural or polite to just ignore your text and phone call until the next day without any explanation. That's just rude.

 

I hope you get some answers that make sense. I agree not to go all bs crazy on him, but we should still teach people how to treat us.

[Hopeful30]

Be careful not to constantly worry about these things, because you might just accidentally manifest it. Understand that these thoughts aren't yours, but are of your EGO, who always tries to find the negative side of things. It's just the nature of the ego.

 

Try to separate your true relationship with this man from the thoughts that want to separate you from that feeling.

[clia]

We were in the middle of a text convo yesterday...he vanished

 

Sent him another text a few hours later....nothing

 

I sent him a text asking if he was ok...he replied...I replied back....then he vanished again

 

I stupidly called him a few hours later...he didnt pick up or call back

 

So I wouldnt say I was really hasseling him (maybe alittle with the call). But for the most part it seems like hes just being inconsiderate.

 

And yes I will leave it. I'm not worried anymore. He's the one that should be worried

 

I thought you were going to give him some space? This is not giving him space.

 

I also would not recommend inviting yourself over to have a talk about all this. Ugh. It's been two days! Just back off and give him some space. Let him come to you.

[Versacehottie]

Thanks Dis for the nice things you said. Ultimately only you can decide what's right for you, even as you take in all this information. My guess is that you are confused because you don't know what your "real" goal is and if even you approach it more normally than you would in the past, are being led by your emotions and anxiety. I also don't think you were truly able to give him space. And going over there to 'discuss' things with him is more of the same. I don't think you need to put up with bad treatment, if you indeed really believe that he was trying to do that to you. I think he just needed some space.

 

If you truly believe you were treated badly/poorly, you can handle it in more than just a direct confrontation. You can also pull back yourself and when he tries to get back in your good graces or asks what's wrong you can let him know at that time. To be honest, you sound like you need some space to truly evaluate what you want from this guy. Both of the items you listed would be dealbreakers to me. You can't want a relationship so much that common sense about what will make you happy in the long run, flies out the window. I think it's the perfect time to evaluate the relationship and take a step back so you can see it for what it is. As I said, if you confront him or talk to him and get a satisfactory answer about a minor thing such as texts/calls, you basically put yourself back in swing of relationship for another month or so until you again realize you might not be suited for each other. If you don't want to waste time or continue to invest in a decent person who STILL may be wrong for you, you should do that now.

 

To me, if I were in his shoes, you are just going to be showing him you are not able to give him space. His reasons for needing it could very well have nothing to do with you. Maybe he just needs it. It's exhausting being the person who constantly has to give reassurance over and above, for an anxious dater. Doesn't mean he's an angel. I just think you are getting caught up in the wrong part of the equation, when you admitted there are much more serious issues going on. Anyway, only you can decide what's right for you. Good luck

[joseb]

 

1).The first thing is he talks about himself alot...he doesnt ask me about myself much and when he does its very hard for me to express myself....I have a hard time being my true self with him alittle....maybe thats something that could change with time....maybe thats just me keeping my guard up. And when I do talk about myself he reverts everything back to himself and his experiences

 

2). Another thing is that he is very simple...hes very much an Americana, meat and potatoes kind of guy.....and I am very complex, deep...far from the girl next door. This makes it hard for me to talk about difficult subjects with him such as my diagnosis or past experiences. But I really like having deep conversations with my partner....so far its very difficult to do that with him

 

So I would be thinking about these things if I were you.

Why do you think you can't express yourself with him? Does he talk over you?

Or do you tell him stuff, and then he replies with similar experiences?

 

How superficial are your conversations? Have you tried talking about deeper stuff?

 

I agree with others - don't "confront" him, you confront someone you know has cheated on you or something. All he has done is been a bit slow to respond to texts at the end of the day. Katies idea to keep it light is good. Do you think you can do that?

[Dis]

Ahhhh....I didnt think asking if I could go over was a bad thing....he loves to see me he's just not into over the phone convos. **** maybe I should back out now...hmmmm...dont know what to do now.

 

Should I tell him I cant make it tonight??????

[Dis]

Thanks Dis for the nice things you said. Ultimately only you can decide what's right for you, even as you take in all this information. My guess is that you are confused because you don't know what your "real" goal is and if even you approach it more normally than you would in the past, are being led by your emotions and anxiety. I also don't think you were truly able to give him space. And going over there to 'discuss' things with him is more of the same. I don't think you need to put up with bad treatment, if you indeed really believe that he was trying to do that to you. I think he just needed some space.

 

If you truly believe you were treated badly/poorly, you can handle it in more than just a direct confrontation. You can also pull back yourself and when he tries to get back in your good graces or asks what's wrong you can let him know at that time. To be honest, you sound like you need some space to truly evaluate what you want from this guy. Both of the items you listed would be dealbreakers to me. You can't want a relationship so much that common sense about what will make you happy in the long run, flies out the window. I think it's the perfect time to evaluate the relationship and take a step back so you can see it for what it is. As I said, if you confront him or talk to him and get a satisfactory answer about a minor thing such as texts/calls, you basically put yourself back in swing of relationship for another month or so until you again realize you might not be suited for each other. If you don't want to waste time or continue to invest in a decent person who STILL may be wrong for you, you should do that now.

 

To me, if I were in his shoes, you are just going to be showing him you are not able to give him space. His reasons for needing it could very well have nothing to do with you. Maybe he just needs it. It's exhausting being the person who constantly has to give reassurance over and above, for an anxious dater. Doesn't mean he's an angel. I just think you are getting caught up in the wrong part of the equation, when you admitted there are much more serious issues going on. Anyway, only you can decide what's right for you. Good luck

 

Ok the bold print...I did not think of that and I was not going over there for reassurance.

 

I think I should tell him I cant make it now....give him some space like you all said.

 

I really didnt think before I asked him if I could stop by.

 

I think I'm going to cancel now. Would that be a bad idea???

[katiegrl]

Ok the bold print...I did not think of that and I was not going over there for reassurance.

 

I think I should tell him I cant make it now....give him some space like you all said.

 

I really didnt think before I asked him if I could stop by.

 

I think I'm going to cancel now. Would that be a bad idea???

 

No I don't think you should cancel.... that would make you look flakey.

 

Keep your word and go. JMO

 

Just for next time, read below, and think about how that looks to him.

 

 

I woke up this morning to a text from him, "Hey babe, how's your day going?"

 

I replied and asked if I could stop by after he gets out of work...he said ya.

 

 

He pulls back for a couple of days and literally ignores your texts and calls.

 

Then then the second he texts, you jump and ask if you can see him!

 

Can you understand how that looks to him?

 

Like no matter what he does and/or how he treats you (ignores you) you will still be there, with open arms, ready and willing and ASKING to see him without him doing a damn thing except return a freakin text message.

[Dis]

And I didnt ask him for reassurance.....I said, "Hey, are you ok?"

 

I wasnt texting and calling him saying, Are we ok? Are you mad at me? Whats going on?

 

None of that

 

Yes I should have given him more space but I only sent him 1 text out of the blue and one call. The other texts were part of conversations we were having.

 

I really dont think I'm acting so needy like everyone says.

 

But I do agree that maybe its not a good idea to go over to his place tonight.

 

However I stand by my statement that I wasnt going over for reassurance. I dont even know it will work with us anymore because I dont know if I really want him. So I'm not feeling too needy right now.

 

The question now is...do I back out of meeting up tonight or not?

[katiegrl]

No I don't think you should cancel.... that would make you look flakey.

 

Keep your word and go. JMO

 

Just for next time, read below, and think about how that looks to him.

 

 

 

He pulls back for a couple of days and literally ignores your texts and calls.

 

Then then the second he texts, you jump and ask if you can see him!

 

Can you understand how that looks to him?

 

Like no matter what he does and/or how he treats you (ignores you) you will still be there, with open arms, ready and willing and ASKING to see him without him doing a damn thing except return a freakin text message.

 

To add^^ (too late to edit).... I am not suggesting you punish him or anything, sounds like he needed space for a couple of days. The ignoring part troubles me though.

 

But be a little cool next time, not so quick to ask to see him. As clia said, let HIM ask to see you!

[katiegrl]

And I didnt ask him for reassurance.....I said, "Hey, are you ok?"

 

I wasnt texting and calling him saying, Are we ok? Are you mad at me? Whats going on?

 

None of that

 

Yes I should have given him more space but I only sent him 1 text out of the blue and one call. The other texts were part of conversations we were having.

 

I really dont think I'm acting so needy like everyone says.

 

But I do agree that maybe its not a good idea to go over to his place tonight.

 

However I stand by my statement that I wasnt going over for reassurance. I dont even know it will work with us anymore because I dont know if I really want him. So I'm not feeling too needy right now.

 

The question now is...do I back out of meeting up tonight or not?

 

Dis, see post no. 60, not sure if you read it....

[Dis]

No I don't think you should cancel.... that would make you look flakey.

 

Keep your word and go. JMO

 

Just for next time, read below, and think about how that looks to him.

 

 

 

He pulls back for a couple of days and literally ignores your texts and calls.

 

Then then the second he texts, you jump and ask if you can see him!

 

Can you understand how that looks to him?

 

Like no matter what he does and/or how he treats you (ignores you) you will still be there, with open arms, ready and willing and ASKING to see him without him doing a damn thing except return a freakin text message.

 

S**t. But I wasnt going over there to be like ohhhh I love you, your the best ever. I was going over there to clear the air because I'm alittle pissed.

 

And yes I do understand and you have a great point....which is why I think I should give him a taste of his own medicine and back out

[katiegrl]

S**t. But I wasnt going over there to be like ohhhh I love you, your the best ever. I was going over there to clear the air because I'm alittle pissed.

 

Oh I know... but he doesn't know that and I would venture to guess that right now he probably thinks he has got you in the palm of his hand...

 

Teach him how to treat you NOT by confronting him and getting pissed at him for ignoring.... too much drama.

 

But by being a bit cool yourself and letting him come to you. Letting HIM ask to see you.

 

That's all.

 

If you want to cancel tonight, that is up to you.

Edited June 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[Dis]

Oh I know... but he doesn't know that and I would venture to guess that right now he probably thinks he has got you in the palm of his hand...

 

Teach him how to treat you NOT by confronting him and getting pissed at him for ignoring.... too much drama.

 

But by being a bit cool yourself and letting him come to you. Letting HIM ask to see you.

 

That's all.

 

If you want to cancel tonight, that is up to you.

 

Thanks so much girly. You made some great points that I needed to hear.

 

I just canceled. All my texts to him today were very cool. No "Hey babe!" Like I usually send.

 

More like, "Hi, can I stop by tonight"

 

Just sent him a text that said, "Hey cant make it tonight"

 

And ya he probably did think he had me in the palm of his hand. I'm sure he'll think differently when he gets that text.

 

I really do think backing out was a good idea. I know it does make me look flakey but if he really wants me he'll overlook that and he'll can come to me. I need to send a message now that if he ignores me...I'm not going to come crawling to him.

 

I dont even know if I want him now so....which ever way this goes I'll be fine.

 

These cool texts I've been sending are very out of character for me. Esp the one where I said I cant make it tonight. Usually I'm all Hi babe!!! I'm great!! Hearts, smiley faces.

 

So if he has a brain he'll put the pieces together and realise I'm pissed and he has some work to do

[katiegrl]

Dis you know I luv ya girl, but you seriously need to somehow control your anxiety here, otherwise you are gonna blow it. Did you contact your therapist today like you said you were going to?

 

He has not done anything all that god awful to warrant this. Not IMO anyway.

 

He needed space for a few, big whoop. He failed to return a text and phone call. Okay I admit it was a bit rude, but again he needed some space. Next time you know to just leave him alone, and let him come to you.

 

If you had stayed busy and not focused on this so much, you would have been happy to hear from him, stayed calm, a bit cool and waited for him to ask to see you.

 

Then when you did see him, calmly talk to him if you want, but no need to get pissed or anything, again he has not done anything that horrible to warrant that IMO.

 

Take some deep breaths and maybe go for a run? Or jog? I promise you, doing that WILL calm you down. Before you see him, if you decide to go.

 

Good luck sweets, and let us know.

[katiegrl]

Thanks so much girly. You made some great points that I needed to hear.

 

I just canceled. All my texts to him today were very cool. No "Hey babe!" Like I usually send.

 

More like, "Hi, can I stop by tonight"

 

Just sent him a text that said, "Hey cant make it tonight"

 

And ya he probably did think he had me in the palm of his hand. I'm sure he'll think differently when he gets that text.

 

I really do think backing out was a good idea. I know it does make me look flakey but if he really wants me he'll overlook that and he'll can come to me. I need to send a message now that if he ignores me...I'm not going to come crawling to him.

 

I dont even know if I want him now so....which ever way this goes I'll be fine.

 

These cool texts I've been sending are very out of character for me. Esp the one where I said I cant make it tonight. Usually I'm all Hi babe!!! I'm great!! Hearts, smiley faces.

 

So if he has a brain he'll put the pieces together and realise I'm pissed and he has some work to do

 

I wrote my last post before reading this. Sounds good!

 

You take care of YOU!! That is the most important thing here.... to do what makes you comfortable without losing yourself in the process.

 

I wonder how he will respond to your cancelling....

 

In any event, I am glad you said you will be fine either way. Worry about you girlfriend!!

[Dis]

Thanks so much girly. You made some great points that I needed to hear.

 

I just canceled. All my texts to him today were very cool. No "Hey babe!" Like I usually send.

 

More like, "Hi, can I stop by tonight"

 

Just sent him a text that said, "Hey cant make it tonight"

 

And ya he probably did think he had me in the palm of his hand. I'm sure he'll think differently when he gets that text.

 

I really do think backing out was a good idea. I know it does make me look flakey but if he really wants me he'll overlook that and he'll can come to me. I need to send a message now that if he ignores me...I'm not going to come crawling to him.

 

I dont even know if I want him now so....which ever way this goes I'll be fine.

 

These cool texts I've been sending are very out of character for me. Esp the one where I said I cant make it tonight. Usually I'm all Hi babe!!! I'm great!! Hearts, smiley faces.

 

So if he has a brain he'll put the pieces together and realise I'm pissed and he has some work to do

 

Dis you know I luv ya girl, but you seriously need to somehow control your anxiety here, otherwise you are gonna blow it. Did you contact your therapist today like you said you were going to?

 

He has not done anything all that god awful to warrant this. Not IMO anyway.

 

He needed space for a few, big whoop. He failed to return a text and phone call. Okay I admit it was a bit rude, but again he needed some space. Next time you know to just leave him alone, and let him come to you.

 

If you had stayed busy and not focused on this so much, you would have been happy to hear from him, stayed calm, a bit cool and waited for him to ask to see you.

 

Then when you did see him, calmly talk to him if you want, but no need to get pissed or anything, again he has not done anything that horrible to warrant that IMO.

 

Take some deep breaths and maybe go for a run? Or jog? I promise you, doing that WILL calm you down. Before you see him, if you decide to go.

 

Good luck sweets, and let us know.

 

This is all so very confusing.

 

The reason why I backed out tonight was to give him space and to let him know that if he ignores me...I'm not going to come crawling to him.

 

You said that I shouldnt throw myself at him after what happened. So I figured I'd back out to show him I'm not doing that and back out.

 

I'm not even pissed per say. I'm just annoyed at him and want him to take the intiative.

 

I'm confused by what your saying. I'm in a bad state of mind....I'm doing what I think is right to do....and not because I'm seeing red...I'm just trying to play this right

[Dis]

I wrote my last post before reading this. Sounds good!

 

You take care of YOU!! That is the most important thing here.... to do what makes you comfortable without losing yourself in the process.

 

I wonder how he will respond to your cancelling....

 

In any event, I am glad you said you will be fine either way. Worry about you girlfriend!!

 

Oh ok. I'm glad your seeing where I'm coming from now.

 

Yes I'm fine either way.

 

And ya I wonder how he'll take me backing out too. But in the intrest of fairness...he hasnt been all that fair either so....

[Dis]

This is all so very confusing.

 

The reason why I backed out tonight was to give him space and to let him know that if he ignores me...I'm not going to come crawling to him.

 

You said that I shouldnt throw myself at him after what happened. So I figured I'd back out to show him I'm not doing that and back out.

 

I'm not even pissed per say. I'm just annoyed at him and want him to take the intiative.

 

I'm confused by what your saying. I'm not in a bad state of mind....I'm doing what I think is right to do....and not because I'm seeing red...I'm just trying to play this right

 

lol I'm having a drink while I'm writing this. My lab practical was brutal tonight. *Proof read* lol

[katiegrl]

This is all so very confusing.

 

The reason why I backed out tonight was to give him space and to let him know that if he ignores me...I'm not going to come crawling to him.

 

You said that I shouldnt throw myself at him after what happened. So I figured I'd back out to show him I'm not doing that and back out.

 

I'm not even pissed per say. I'm just annoyed at him and want him to take the intiative.

 

I'm confused by what your saying. I'm in a bad state of mind....I'm doing what I think is right to do....and not because I'm seeing red...I'm just trying to play this right

 

Dis I do understand where you are coming from... I understand why you are annoyed (not pissed even though you said in a prior post you were pissed lol )...

 

Just that, and this is just my opinion.... next time, instead of asking to see him the second he returns your text or call... and THEN cancelling, just wait for HIM to ask to see you in the first place.

 

You can say yay or nay when he asks, point is when a guy pulls back for a couple of days (no more than two), which is OKAY in my book (again it's the ignoring part I don't care for) .... let him come to you.

 

That's all hun.

 

But again I am glad you are fine!! Enjoy your night!

 

And as always keep us posted.

Edited June 17, 2016 by katiegrl

[Dis]

Dis I do understand where you are coming from... I understand why you are annoyed (not pissed even though you said in a prior post you were pissed lol )...

 

Just that, and this is just my opinion.... next time, instead of asking to see him the second he returns your text or call... and THEN cancelling, just wait for HIM to ask to see you in the first place.

 

You can say yay or nay when he asks, point is when a guy pulls back for a couple of days (no more than two), which is OKAY in my book (again it's the ignoring part I don't care for) .... let him come to you.

 

That's all hun.

 

But again I am glad you are fine!! Enjoy your night!

 

And as always keep us posted.

 

Lol you're right...I did say I was pissed...my bad

 

I dont think I've ever played things right in any relationship I've been in (besides breaking up with the guys)

 

So this is all very new to me

 

But yes in the future I will follow your advice...thanks girly

[Dis]

So I would be thinking about these things if I were you.

Why do you think you can't express yourself with him? Does he talk over you?

Or do you tell him stuff, and then he replies with similar experiences?

 

How superficial are your conversations? Have you tried talking about deeper stuff?

 

I agree with others - don't "confront" him, you confront someone you know has cheated on you or something. All he has done is been a bit slow to respond to texts at the end of the day. Katies idea to keep it light is good. Do you think you can do that?

 

Great questions joseb.

 

He doesnt really talk over me....he just starts talking about himself after whatever it is I say

 

He doesnt do this all the time but he does it a fair amount

 

Our conversations are usually light and superficial

 

But when I told him I have bipolar....he was very receptive and the way he handled it was sweet. I got quiet because since my last ex I have trouble opening up. I actually stepped outside on his porch because it was so hard for me to open up. He followed me out there. I told him I didnt want him to believe what most people do about bipolar...he rubbed my back and told me he could do some reading about it if that would make me feel better. He told me I shouldnt care what other people think about it...he said its made me stronger and he doesnt care either way. So when it comes to important things I think we might be ok...but I'm not sure

 

I get a feeling that there are two reasons for our difficulty talking about deep subjects

 

1). I'm very guarded since my last relationship

2). Its hard to talk to him because he is so simple and doesnt have much to say about complex/deep things. But what he does say is good.

 

But like another poster mentioned...maybe there is more to him. As time goes on I do find it alittle easier to talk to him. He is very reserved by nature. So maybe this is something that could get better with time...and part of it is me.

 

What I really dont like is how he makes everything about him when I talk about myself. I dont know if that will work

 

When I was with my ex of 2 and a half years..not the one that caused me to have trouble opening up....we had great convos. He always asked me about myself...I told him everything. We had a great connection but he was a liar and probably a cheater so I ended that.

 

I really want to have a relationship where theres a great connection. I've noticed as time goes on me and my bf develop more of a connection but something is lacking...not sure if it will work

[Cinnamonstix]

Hey Dis,

 

First, I think your feelings on everything are justified. I wouldn't be too thrilled if I went away with a guy and then he started pulling back. Especially after launching the ILU's and crap.

 

When a guy pulls back though, you pull back too. Don't let it get to you. But don't beat yourself up either if it does trigger you at first. Use the space as time to do your thing. And if you think about it and his behaviour really bothers you and doesn't feel ok, then think about if this is the relationship you really want, as you have been doing. I'm going to have to disagree about the immediate response being that you should get therapy. Your behaviour isn't even that bad and in a way it's saying that YOU are the problem. I think you were on the right track in thinking "That's not how I would treat someone." There are men who are on the same page as you.

 

If anything should change, I think it's your immediate response that something is wrong with you or that you did something.

 

The other points you mentioned about him talking about himself, not being very deep and you not being able to share your true self... well they are huge. Do not overlook this. I don't think a man can truly love you if he doesn't explore who you are as a person. And there are men that won't be able to get enough of you. Vacation or not. Matching space needs, or at least matching space needs with each other are very important.

Edited June 17, 2016 by Cinnamonstix