Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Honestly. Just chill out. That's it. Look, if my gf had just taken me on holidays but was not prepared to take time off on my birthday, it would probably rank a 1 out of a hundred in the worry scale. Having said that, birthdays to me are no biggie, I never take mine off, some years Ive even forgotten till next day. Maybe your bf is similar. How long were you single after your ex? Thanks for your reply joseb! My ex and I were together for 6 weeks. I have single for 2 months before I met my current bf. If this new development hadnt happened I think I'd be alot less worried...
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Maybe he's planning on surprising you..? I was debating on whether to even mention this, because a) if he is, then it would spoil the surprise a bit, b) if he isn't, you'd feel extra disappointed. Or maybe he really just couldn't get the day off work - you could suggest doing something special together the day after (a nice meal in, some cake and wine). I really don't believe that birthdays are such a big deal and that your partner has to plan something super extravagant for you. And it isn't always necessary to celebrate on the right day.. Besides, the two of you have only been dating for a couple of months, maybe he doesn't know what to get you and being short on money is also adding stress to it, etc. I think it would be really cool of you to take the pressure off him, say that you understand that he has to work and that he should come over for cake later (or the day after). If your relationship continues to grow, you can address these kinds of questions then (like if birthdays are really important to you and you like to celebrate in a certain way or something). Right now, I think you're definitely being worried over nothing, it's classical early relationship anxiety. Counselling will help, until then, just relax and stop over thinking. Write down your anxious thoughts and then put them aside. Thanks for your reply Empyrea! Maybe he was planning to surprise me...I dont know if he is now after all this has happened....I dont know if this is the end now....who knows. I did send him a really nice text thanking him for the trip and telling him how I thought it was so sweet and thoughtful of him to take me. I also told him how I'd be happy just hanging out at his place for my birthday. He was appreciative of that. Now I dont know about anything anymore....my mind is a jubbled mess
katiegrl Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Ok, yes I 100% agree with you and I'm fine with giving him space and letting him reach out to me...that wont be a problem You're very right when you say that guys need space...my girlfriend was saying the same thing today. Thanks so much for your advice I am worried about you now. First you wrote this^^ in response to my post. Yay!! You have calmed down, feel somewhat at peace with the idea that he just needs some space and lone time after your vacation together. Then only a few minutes later, you write this (below)... I dont know if this is the end now....who knows. Now I dont know about anything anymore....my mind is a jubbled mess Sweetie, yes please go back to your therapist.... These rapid ups and downs are not healthy -- take it from someone who knows! And you KNOW I know.... Try and get some rest hun, seriously. A glass of wine perhaps? Call therapist in morn. Feel better!! hugs
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 I am worried about you now. First you wrote this^^ in response to my post. Yay!! You have calmed down, feel somewhat at peace with the idea that he just needs some space and lone time after your vacation together. Then only a few minutes later, you write this (below)... Sweetie, yes please go back to your therapist.... These rapid ups and downs are not healthy -- take it from someone who knows! And you KNOW I know.... Try and get some rest hun, seriously. A glass of wine perhaps? Call therapist in morn. Feel better!! hugs I did feel better but I never stopped worrying. Your advice did make sense and did put me more at ease but this its still up in the air. And I feel like an idiot for worrying before when things are worse now. The ups and downs are there though....but theyre not extreme. I'm just high strung and the more I think the more worried I get. Sometimes I think it will be ok...sometimes I doubt it will....or somewhere in between. Thats why this is all so hard for me...it feels so uneasy. Yes will call my therapist tomorrow...thanks for the check girly
sunshine2 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I remember this feeling well. When my X BF would not text me all day or not text me at his usual time, I would start thinking all these crazy thoughts I would wonder why he wasn't texting or calling me. What was wrong? Did I do something wrong? Did he meet someone else? Is he going to break up with me? In the end, you know what? It wasn't worth it at all. I was going through so many emotions over this guy and it was really a waste of my time and energy. I am SOOOO glad I am not with him anymore because I am not worried about anything, and I am sleeping good after almost a year of hardly sleeping. He was calm on his end just doing what he did with no concern on why I didn't text him, in fact I would test that and not contact him all day and he wouldn't even ask me what I was up to, so it was only me who was worried, and going crazy with the thoughts. We were not in love with each other though, and I wouldn't say he was that good to me. On another forum I came across this which helped me quiet a bit: If a man is interested in you, he'll let you know. He won't play games or keep you guessing. He won't make up excuses to keep his distance ("My feelings for you are so strong they scare me!") or to not see you ("I'm just so busy - but we'll connect soon"). A man who strings you along, doesn't make time for you, uses you for sex or money, or refuses to get close to you is a man who doesn't care. Actions really do speak louder than words, ladies. If a man wants to see more of you, he'll make sure that happens; he'll treat you with respect, show interest in your life, and make you feel special by how he behaves, not just by what he says. He can TELL you anything - but it's only lip service if it's not bolstered by action. Yes, some men are shy or awkward and can take some time to be bold enough to make a move - but, if you listen to your gut, you can tell the difference. And if you can't do that yet, you must learn to. The bottom line is that a man who wants a woman will never risk losing her. Period.
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 I remember this feeling well. When my X BF would not text me all day or not text me at his usual time, I would start thinking all these crazy thoughts I would wonder why he wasn't texting or calling me. What was wrong? Did I do something wrong? Did he meet someone else? Is he going to break up with me? In the end, you know what? It wasn't worth it at all. I was going through so many emotions over this guy and it was really a waste of my time and energy. I am SOOOO glad I am not with him anymore because I am not worried about anything, and I am sleeping good after almost a year of hardly sleeping. He was calm on his end just doing what he did with no concern on why I didn't text him, in fact I would test that and not contact him all day and he wouldn't even ask me what I was up to, so it was only me who was worried, and going crazy with the thoughts. We were not in love with each other though, and I wouldn't say he was that good to me. On another forum I came across this which helped me quiet a bit: If a man is interested in you, he'll let you know. He won't play games or keep you guessing. He won't make up excuses to keep his distance ("My feelings for you are so strong they scare me!") or to not see you ("I'm just so busy - but we'll connect soon"). A man who strings you along, doesn't make time for you, uses you for sex or money, or refuses to get close to you is a man who doesn't care. Actions really do speak louder than words, ladies. If a man wants to see more of you, he'll make sure that happens; he'll treat you with respect, show interest in your life, and make you feel special by how he behaves, not just by what he says. He can TELL you anything - but it's only lip service if it's not bolstered by action. Yes, some men are shy or awkward and can take some time to be bold enough to make a move - but, if you listen to your gut, you can tell the difference. And if you can't do that yet, you must learn to. The bottom line is that a man who wants a woman will never risk losing her. Period. I hear what your saying...the lack of communication only started yesterday. Before that he made it clear I was a priority and made me feel great. I cant put him in the catagory of "not caring" yet because its only been 2 days of this. Before that it was 2 months of greatness. Time will only tell. I also would never settle for a guy that put me on the back burner. Been there done that. So far he is great...the past 2 days have just been off
Versacehottie Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 My bf and I have been exclusive for 2 months. Everything is great...I dont see anything worthy of suspicion...no red flags...no yellow flags...nothing. We've exchanged I love you's, we spend a perfect amount of time together...he is sweet and caring...affectionate. He's the first guy I've dated that isnt a player or a liar. He is an all around good guy and I do love him, I know he loves me. We have fun together, we laugh and play fight, we have alot of sex. We talk alittle bit about the future...me moving in down the line...how we both want kids...how cute our kids would be. Everything is fine and good. But no matter what I do I cant stop over thinking..worrying...obsessing that something will go wrong...that he'll drop me for no reason out of the blue...like the last one. I read into everything he does...he took me on vacation last weekend to the beach. He spent alot of money on the trip so he told me we'd have to cut out the spending for awhile. I was fine with that of course. He then told me he had to work on my birthday (next week) even though he told me he'd get the night off a month ago....that was before he dropped alot of money on the trip. I know he could easily switch shifts with another coworker...thats what he did for my school ceremony...I guess he doesnt want to do that now. I decided to just be grateful for the trip and told him how appreciative I was and how I'd be happy just hanging out at his place for my birthday....but I still dont know why he decided not to switch shifts like he said he would Hes a corrections officer and doesnt make alot of money so I dont mind that we're not going out since we just went on vacation....but he could switch shifts and we could spend the night in. I dont know why he changed his mind about that.....so now my mind goes crazy I keep going over the weekend....trying to figure out if anything changed between us...if his feelings changed....if I'm missing anything...I feel like I'm losing my mind....trying to prepare myself for him dropping me...this feels horrible He said we would celebrate my birthday before the actual day....maybe just not on the day. Hes still hinting that he might get the night off My point in all of this is....I dont know if I will ever recover from being dropped by my last bf. I feel like I'm always preparing myself for impending doom I dont let him see any of this...how insecure I am. I have a hard time talking about my feelings now. I was never like that before. My walls are up. Sometimes I think it would be easier being alone....but I love him and our relationship...I dont want to end things I want to repair myself from my past... I just dont know how. And I dont know if I even have a reason to worry...I cant tell up from down...left from right. I cant stop torturing myself and just enjoy him and our relationship My opinion is that this is what anxious people "do". Their worrying takes over. They look for problems where there are none in an effort to "protect" themselves from future danger. It has a biological basis of course--to protect you when you need protection. But in this context, there really is no "need". It doesn't mean your anxiety will turn off if that is who you are predisposed to be. But you can't let it control the show, "self-sabotage" as someone said, run your life and relationships. Recognizing it is a good first step. Worrying about "doom" can become a self-fulfuling prophecy. Worrying about it won't change things for the better; it can only potentially damage the relationship if the worrying is unfounded. I need to go back and read the thread but I skimmed it and most say and I would agree that your worrying is unfounded. You need to approach your relationship as if everything is fine (bc it seems to be) and compartmentalize your personal anxiety problem--deal with that separately and outside of the relationship--not work through it in the context of the relationship. That seems like the best course of action, to me. I mean look at things from his position, he probably in a sense, thinks the beach weekend WAS the birthday celebration!!! I agree I usually like the actual day together too so I don't think you are wrong in wanting that. But I also think unless you are going to ask for it or feel that it's "important" to ask for it, then questioning the relationship in its entirety is NOT the answer!! I'm guessing he's in work mode to build back up his bank account. From what you have said so far, I think it sounds like he is a steady and not extravagant person. So he may have pushed his financial boundaries to make that weekend happen. He also may be not wanting to ask for switching if he wants to pick up extra shifts, etc or ask for work favors. I think that part is all relative to his spending on beach weekend and/or not putting as much importance on the actual birthday day (as some people don't). He also may have enjoyed the weekend and making you so happy that he is trying to save up for more of them. It's all possible and nothing to worry about. Yeah, I think you need to work with your therapist on some techniques that will help with ruminating thoughts/obsessing/worrying. You can probably look some up on the internet to be honest in the meantime. It's like you know they are not rational, yet you can't stop them. That's your anxiety again running the show and potentially gonna ruin your relationship. I don't think you should let him see any of this. "This" isn't about the relationship or anything he is doing wrong. This is just your brain on overdrive. I think there is a danger and that it's unnecessary to let your significant other know your every thought. He knows the basics (from your other thread). I also think you will "feel" the best about YOU finding a way to deal with this and handle on your own/outside of the relationship. Knowing you are self-sufficient can be very motivating and bring positivity where right now you are struggling. It can make you feel like you have tools in your tool box! Which should lower your anxiety because you will feel that if it happens again, you will have a way to deal with it OR CAN figure it out. With the last thing I bolded, I personally think some people almost enjoy living in the past, give it too much weight, almost "enjoy" the melancholy of it all. I think if you can you need to dial down the significance of the past. If you want to give it any weight, give it the significance that you made it through it and are stronger or learned something from it. It's a gift that it didn't work out if it brought you to this great guy. It was meant to be like this. You need to "re-characterize" that event in your life or it just become baggage that is really unnecessary. Idk, try to find the humor in it. I mean if there was any part of it where you can laugh at yourself and think wow that was overly dramatic and silly to even get worked up about that bc it was not an "important" relationship. Or just that was silly in general. Don't be so serious or "stuck" in the past. It's not serving you! So look up ways on internet to stop ruminating, obsessing or worrying. I'm sure there are techniques listed. Good luck 1
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 My opinion is that this is what anxious people "do". Their worrying takes over. They look for problems where there are none in an effort to "protect" themselves from future danger. It has a biological basis of course--to protect you when you need protection. But in this context, there really is no "need". It doesn't mean your anxiety will turn off if that is who you are predisposed to be. But you can't let it control the show, "self-sabotage" as someone said, run your life and relationships. Recognizing it is a good first step. Worrying about "doom" can become a self-fulfuling prophecy. Worrying about it won't change things for the better; it can only potentially damage the relationship if the worrying is unfounded. I need to go back and read the thread but I skimmed it and most say and I would agree that your worrying is unfounded. You need to approach your relationship as if everything is fine (bc it seems to be) and compartmentalize your personal anxiety problem--deal with that separately and outside of the relationship--not work through it in the context of the relationship. That seems like the best course of action, to me. I mean look at things from his position, he probably in a sense, thinks the beach weekend WAS the birthday celebration!!! I agree I usually like the actual day together too so I don't think you are wrong in wanting that. But I also think unless you are going to ask for it or feel that it's "important" to ask for it, then questioning the relationship in its entirety is NOT the answer!! I'm guessing he's in work mode to build back up his bank account. From what you have said so far, I think it sounds like he is a steady and not extravagant person. So he may have pushed his financial boundaries to make that weekend happen. He also may be not wanting to ask for switching if he wants to pick up extra shifts, etc or ask for work favors. I think that part is all relative to his spending on beach weekend and/or not putting as much importance on the actual birthday day (as some people don't). He also may have enjoyed the weekend and making you so happy that he is trying to save up for more of them. It's all possible and nothing to worry about. Yeah, I think you need to work with your therapist on some techniques that will help with ruminating thoughts/obsessing/worrying. You can probably look some up on the internet to be honest in the meantime. It's like you know they are not rational, yet you can't stop them. That's your anxiety again running the show and potentially gonna ruin your relationship. I don't think you should let him see any of this. "This" isn't about the relationship or anything he is doing wrong. This is just your brain on overdrive. I think there is a danger and that it's unnecessary to let your significant other know your every thought. He knows the basics (from your other thread). I also think you will "feel" the best about YOU finding a way to deal with this and handle on your own/outside of the relationship. Knowing you are self-sufficient can be very motivating and bring positivity where right now you are struggling. It can make you feel like you have tools in your tool box! Which should lower your anxiety because you will feel that if it happens again, you will have a way to deal with it OR CAN figure it out. With the last thing I bolded, I personally think some people almost enjoy living in the past, give it too much weight, almost "enjoy" the melancholy of it all. I think if you can you need to dial down the significance of the past. If you want to give it any weight, give it the significance that you made it through it and are stronger or learned something from it. It's a gift that it didn't work out if it brought you to this great guy. It was meant to be like this. You need to "re-characterize" that event in your life or it just become baggage that is really unnecessary. Idk, try to find the humor in it. I mean if there was any part of it where you can laugh at yourself and think wow that was overly dramatic and silly to even get worked up about that bc it was not an "important" relationship. Or just that was silly in general. Don't be so serious or "stuck" in the past. It's not serving you! So look up ways on internet to stop ruminating, obsessing or worrying. I'm sure there are techniques listed. Good luck I think this might be it..... He texted me yesterday around 7pm. We exhanged a few texts then he dropped off the face of the planet. I texted him once a few hours later...no reply I texted him today around 6:30, asking if he was ok He texted me back...like nothing happened...his usual self saying, "Ya I'm fine just got out of the gym. How's your day?" I texted him back He didnt reply I called 2 hours later....he didnt pick up So I'm not calling or texting until I hear from him. This is very unusual behavior for him because he always texts me back and calls me back. So this is very very off. I've been a wreck today....a wreck. Impending doom. I feel awful. Who knows maybe some things came up...or maybe this is the beginning of the end Also...as a side note... I sent him a really nice text a day or two ago thanking him for the trip and how I thought it was so thoughtful and sweet of him to take me. I alslo said how I would be happy just hanging out at his place any night of the week for my birthday. So I didnt press the issue....so whatever is going on now doesnt have to do with that I have no idea if I'm overreacting about this lastest development....I have no idea if this is the end or not Thanks so much VH!!! Everything makes perfect sense. I'm honestly not worried about the birthday thing anymore. I agree that he may have thought our trip was my bday celebration. He is very frugal and I like that....I'm calling my therapist tomorrow. I cant manage this one my own. I will look up some tips online until I can get an appt. But now.... I'm worried about what has happened yesterday and today...see above^^^ I dont know if my mind is just switching to a new unfounded worry or if this is something to actually worry about. I'm just trying to figure out if this new developement is actually concerning or not. I need reality checks...I'm clueless
joseb Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I remember this feeling well. When my X BF would not text me all day or not text me at his usual time, I would start thinking all these crazy thoughts I would wonder why he wasn't texting or calling me. What was wrong? Did I do something wrong? Did he meet someone else? Is he going to break up with me? On another forum I came across this which helped me quiet a bit: If a man is interested in you, he'll let you know. He won't play games or keep you guessing. He won't make up excuses to keep his distance ("My feelings for you are so strong they scare me!") or to not see you ("I'm just so busy - but we'll connect soon"). A man who strings you along, doesn't make time for you, uses you for sex or money, or refuses to get close to you is a man who doesn't care. See this is why I don't like to text or call much. If you do it, and then if you don't for one day, for some reason, or you just reduce it cause you are seeing the person enough and prefer in contact communication, or you have spent a lot of time with them recently and don't need the constant back and forth for a bit, people jump to all kinds of conclusions. There is a HUGE difference between the examples that site is giving (not wanting to meet at all, obvious lies) and a guy not responding to a text message immediately. Getting this anxious about minor things leads to a self fulfilling prophecy, where your constant anxiety scares the guy away. Now, this isn't to say that if down the road, this guy starts behaving badly then you ignore it. But stop blowing everything out of proportion. 4
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 See this is why I don't like to text or call much. If you do it, and then if you don't for one day, for some reason, or you just reduce it cause you are seeing the person enough and prefer in contact communication, or you have spent a lot of time with them recently and don't need the constant back and forth for a bit, people jump to all kinds of conclusions. There is a HUGE difference between the examples that site is giving (not wanting to meet at all, obvious lies) and a guy not responding to a text message immediately. Getting this anxious about minor things leads to a self fulfilling prophecy, where your constant anxiety scares the guy away. Now, this isn't to say that if down the road, this guy starts behaving badly then you ignore it. But stop blowing everything out of proportion. Agreed! Esp the bold print
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 I'm just getting to the point where I'm alittle pissed now. I mean he ignored my texts....didnt pick up my call...didnt call me back. But I'm wondering if he still wants me? Maybe I dont want him anymore. His behavior is inconsiderate. A part of me doesnt want to respond to him if he contacts me again (never know if he will). A part of me thinks thats sh*tty to do. Hes on fb as we speak....lame
katiegrl Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I'm just getting to the point where I'm alittle pissed now. I mean he ignored my texts....didnt pick up my call...didnt call me back. But I'm wondering if he still wants me? Maybe I dont want him anymore. His behavior is inconsiderate. A part of me doesnt want to respond to him if he contacts me again (never know if he will). A part of me thinks thats sh*tty to do. Hes on fb as we speak....lame Ya know Dis, I agree.... He IS being VERY inconsiderate now, and franky I would be pissed too. He is just flat out ignoring you and that is rude..... At first I thought he just needed to chill, but to completely ignore your texts and calls? And he is on FB???? Please do not over-react though, not with him. Try and stay calm. Self-contain and vent to us or a friend..... do not unload on him.... When he contacts you again, talk to him, ask him what is going on, if he needs space fine, just let you know next time. Set boundaries. Not okay for him to just ignore. Do not contact him though, wait for him to make contact. Try and stay calm when you talk to him.... If it is something else other than him needing to chill? I hope not but if it is, deal with it then....... either way, you are strong and will be okay!!!! 2
joseb Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I'm just getting to the point where I'm alittle pissed now. I mean he ignored my texts....didnt pick up my call...didnt call me back. But I'm wondering if he still wants me? Maybe I dont want him anymore. His behavior is inconsiderate. A part of me doesnt want to respond to him if he contacts me again (never know if he will). A part of me thinks thats sh*tty to do. Hes on fb as we speak....lame How long has it been since he last contacted you? How many texts/calls did you send unanswered? I agree though, on the face of it this does sound inconsiderate. But if I felt that someone was "hassling" me I might do the same. What you do now is leave it. Go watch a movie, go for a walk, run whatever. Don't monitor his FB activity. Just leave it. Hopefully it really is nothing, or he just needs space. 3
AMJ Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I can understand being upset that he's ignoring you, but I get the sense that you're letting him completely take over your life right now. I mean if this is the end of your relationship, is it also the end of your world? Obviously it's okay to be sad if that's the case, but I feel like you got really invested in this relationship very quickly. Hasn't it only been two months? 2
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Ya know Dis, I agree.... He IS being VERY inconsiderate now, and franky I would be pissed too. He is just flat out ignoring you and that is rude..... At first I thought he just needed to chill, but to completely ignore your texts and calls? And he is on FB???? Please do not over-react though, not with him. Try and stay calm. Self-contain and vent to us or a friend..... do not unload on him.... When he contacts you again, talk to him, ask him what is going on, if he needs space fine, just let you know next time. Set boundaries. Not okay for him to just ignore. Do not contact him though, wait for him to make contact. Try and stay calm when you talk to him.... If it is something else other than him needing to chill? I hope not but if it is, deal with it then....... either way, you are strong and will be okay!!!! Thank you katiegrl. I think I lost sight of my standards in the midst of all this. I think I forgot what I told myself after my breakups....never accept anything less than what I give. I will give him a chance to explain himself and I def wont unload on him. I will express my feelings in a calm manner and we'll see what he has to say. I'm open to hearing his side but it better be satisfactory. He can come to me. No way would I contact him first after he's been so inconsiderate. I feel liberated now...no longer worried I would never ignore my significant other....I wont tolerate him doing that to me This is the first time I've done this in a relationship....insist on being treated the right way. Usually I'd just be a doormat It feels great I am a prize (as I've heard other say on here) I wont forget that now 1
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 How long has it been since he last contacted you? How many texts/calls did you send unanswered? I agree though, on the face of it this does sound inconsiderate. But if I felt that someone was "hassling" me I might do the same. What you do now is leave it. Go watch a movie, go for a walk, run whatever. Don't monitor his FB activity. Just leave it. Hopefully it really is nothing, or he just needs space. We were in the middle of a text convo yesterday...he vanished Sent him another text a few hours later....nothing I sent him a text asking if he was ok...he replied...I replied back....then he vanished again I stupidly called him a few hours later...he didnt pick up or call back So I wouldnt say I was really hasseling him (maybe alittle with the call). But for the most part it seems like hes just being inconsiderate. And yes I will leave it. I'm not worried anymore. He's the one that should be worried
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 I can understand being upset that he's ignoring you, but I get the sense that you're letting him completely take over your life right now. I mean if this is the end of your relationship, is it also the end of your world? Obviously it's okay to be sad if that's the case, but I feel like you got really invested in this relationship very quickly. Hasn't it only been two months? I did get too invested...thats how I work. But honestly I'm not worried or scared now about a possible break up. After I realised how inconsiderate hes being....it wouldnt be my loss if it ends. 1
AMJ Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 After I realised how inconsiderate hes being....it wouldnt be my loss if it ends. And that is all that matters. 1
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 @joseb I forgot something (the bold print) We were in the middle of a text convo yesterday...he vanished Sent him another text a few hours later....nothing I sent him a text the next day asking if he was ok...he replied...I replied back....then he vanished again I stupidly called him a few hours later...he didnt pick up or call back So I wouldnt say I was really hasseling him (maybe alittle with the call). But for the most part it seems like hes just being inconsiderate. And yes I will leave it. I'm not worried anymore. He's the one that should be worried
Versacehottie Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I think this might be it..... He texted me yesterday around 7pm. We exhanged a few texts then he dropped off the face of the planet. I texted him once a few hours later...no reply I texted him today around 6:30, asking if he was ok He texted me back...like nothing happened...his usual self saying, "Ya I'm fine just got out of the gym. How's your day?" I texted him back He didnt reply I called 2 hours later....he didnt pick up So I'm not calling or texting until I hear from him. This is very unusual behavior for him because he always texts me back and calls me back. So this is very very off. I've been a wreck today....a wreck. Impending doom. I feel awful. Who knows maybe some things came up...or maybe this is the beginning of the end Also...as a side note... I sent him a really nice text a day or two ago thanking him for the trip and how I thought it was so thoughtful and sweet of him to take me. I alslo said how I would be happy just hanging out at his place any night of the week for my birthday. So I didnt press the issue....so whatever is going on now doesnt have to do with that I have no idea if I'm overreacting about this lastest development....I have no idea if this is the end or not I agree with the things josepb (sorry spelling!) has been saying. I think even in regards to this you still need to chill. The point is that worrying about it won't change anything. Let's say in his mind something about the trip has changed the potential for what he sees in the future with you. So? Were you being authentic to yourself, feel like you did anything "wrong" or "bad"? I'm gonna guess, no you did nothing bad. I would guess you were being authentic and genuine you--if he doesn't want to be with that for whatever reason after spending the weekend together then you are not well-suited for each other. Be glad that you have only spent 2 months in getting to this stage. That's worst case scenario. Do i think that's what's going on? Not in the least....... I think it's a normal pulling back after a guy spends significant time together. He needs to tend to his other priorities and can be practical thinking in that he just gave a good amount of time to you so you should be satiated--idk, that's how guys think sometimes! At the exact moment that we are thinking, "hey that was so great, I have a green light to get closer to this person". See the disconnect. It's a very real fact that life has ebbs and flows. Maybe he is now comfortable enough that he turns his attention back to his other stuff and you see this as an affront of some sort. I think in the face of how he has been treating you overall this would be a mistake for you to view it like that. I think you have been substituting his regular contact for some of the assurance that you need to have within yourself. You can't always depend on outside sources, ie a certain level of contact from your bf, for a level of assurance that you should be able to give yourself. Like just know inside that things will be fine. That you are self-sufficient and that you don't swing wildly and emotionally from one end of the spectrum to the other (i don't think that's exactly what you are doing) however, I do think you are in near danger of overreacting with him about the phone calls and texts. I also think, and you can verify this with a little digging, that guys sometimes pull back after a trip or some time together that is significant in bonding. It's their way of dealing when they are nervous that "this might be it". They also have a real tendency to need to reset themselves autonomously. I would think your guy as you've described him would likely fit into this category of guys. I think this is the time to show him that you can be a stable girlfriend and won't get emotional on him. This is often what guys are looking for at this stage. Not excusing him if it truly is bad behavior---i'm just not sure it is. I think he may have needed a little more space than usual and you seemed to need more reassurance than usual. I think you may think you concealed it but he probably felt some element of it regardless and is just at the moment where he needs space the most, feel pressure from you. I've seen your subsequent posts where you are getting more and more upset. I would urge you to dial it back and when you talk to him if you have a need to get to "the bottom" of it. That you try to keep emotion out of it and see things from his position---listen to what he says is going on. I would drop it if I were in your situation. I still think your anxiety is running the show with the latest development even if he is reacting to it or dealing with something of his own. If you look at people with successful relationships, they don't "see the end" in every development. They just aren't thinking "end" even in midst of bumps--even bad ones, which this most certainly is not. If you contribute to it, though, it could become one. Good luck 1
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 I dont know what happened in the past few hours....after realizing how inconsiderate hes being I've admitted a few other things to myself There are a few things that concern me about him (nothing to do with what going on now) Maybe these things can be worked on...maybe not 1).The first thing is he talks about himself alot...he doesnt ask me about myself much and when he does its very hard for me to express myself....I have a hard time being my true self with him alittle....maybe thats something that could change with time....maybe thats just me keeping my guard up. And when I do talk about myself he reverts everything back to himself and his experiences 2). Another thing is that he is very simple...hes very much an Americana, meat and potatoes kind of guy.....and I am very complex, deep...far from the girl next door. This makes it hard for me to talk about difficult subjects with him such as my diagnosis or past experiences. But I really like having deep conversations with my partner....so far its very difficult to do that with him I realized these things awhile ago...I just didnt want to say anything. I'm not saying these are deal breakers....or maybe they are. I dont know. I think I've been romantizing him and our relationship alittle. Dont get me wrong its a good relationship....before all this happened everything I said about him and us was true. But these two things I just mentioned stick out to me now. I think I just started to think in shades of gray...instead of all white. No relationship is perfect.....but I had to get those two things off my chest 1
Versacehottie Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Good things to notice ^^^ above. See you can depend on yourself. It hard when you want a relationship (girls position typically) and you aren't TRULY considering what you are getting with the guy you choose, like does he really suit you!?? I think you'd be fine to let the angst of the current level of contact go, and pull back yourself so you can figure out what you think about these two issues. Especially number 1. I know couples that can still make it work with situation number 2 in play but not ones that can make it work happily with situation number 1 in play. If you don't allow yourself to get sucked into the drama and wanting him to "come thru" about the phone calls/texts, then you can stay neutral enough to evaluate these real considerations. 2 months in is the time to figure this out. If you get caught up in the push/pull and relatively insignificance of the texts stuff, if he pulls back in, you will likely be relieved and momentarily off the roller coaster but won't figure out these bigger issues--which yes I think depending on how your evaluation of those concludes are make or break issues. 1
joseb Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 Good things to notice ^^^ above. See you can depend on yourself. It hard when you want a relationship (girls position typically) and you aren't TRULY considering what you are getting with the guy you choose, like does he really suit you!?? I think you'd be fine to let the angst of the current level of contact go, and pull back yourself so you can figure out what you think about these two issues. Especially number 1. I know couples that can still make it work with situation number 2 in play but not ones that can make it work happily with situation number 1 in play. If you don't allow yourself to get sucked into the drama and wanting him to "come thru" about the phone calls/texts, then you can stay neutral enough to evaluate these real considerations. 2 months in is the time to figure this out. If you get caught up in the push/pull and relatively insignificance of the texts stuff, if he pulls back in, you will likely be relieved and momentarily off the roller coaster but won't figure out these bigger issues--which yes I think depending on how your evaluation of those concludes are make or break issues. Yeah so he is sounding less nice now than the way you initially described him. Be honest with yourself in the assessment. I know, at the start, we all have rose coloured glasses to some extent. 2
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Thanks for your replies VH and joseb I woke up this morning to a text from him, "Hey babe, how's your day going?" I replied and asked if I could stop by after he gets out of work...he said ya. The reason why I wanted to see him tonight was to get to the bottom of whats been going on....in a calm non-accusatory manner. I felt like talking to him face to face would be best since we havent been doing well with phone/text communication I truly think that because he is such a simple guy and a simple thinker....he had no idea he was lacking in communication with me. I dont think this is something he did on purpose...I think if anything hes just getting comfortable in the relationship and maybe needed some space after the vacation (Some of you suggested those things) I think thats it. Now after reading VH's post, I'm conflicted on how I should confront this isssue...or not confont it at all as VH is suggesting. If I do chose to talk about it I know that I would be calm and reasonable....I'm almost 30...gone are the days when I fly off the handle about small things. And VH I hear you...I know I need to do some evaluating. I wont let this issue distract me from figuring out whether he is truly right for me or not. I think I've got some serious thinking to do. I feel torn now....I really think he's a very sweet, kind, stable guy and we do get along well and have alot of fun. He is def ready to settle down...he wants the same things I do. But I'm going to have to figure out if those issues are deal breakers or not. I'm aware I can leave the relationship whenever I chose...so this issue I'm dealing with now wont keep me from doing that if thats what I chose to do So I'm going to his place tonight....I'll let you all know how it goes.... I dont know whether to confront this issue or not....I'm confused now 1
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