Dis Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) My bf and I have been exclusive for 2 months. Everything is great...I dont see anything worthy of suspicion...no red flags...no yellow flags...nothing. We've exchanged I love you's, we spend a perfect amount of time together...he is sweet and caring...affectionate. He's the first guy I've dated that isnt a player or a liar. He is an all around good guy and I do love him, I know he loves me. We have fun together, we laugh and play fight, we have alot of sex. We talk alittle bit about the future...me moving in down the line...how we both want kids...how cute our kids would be. Everything is fine and good. But no matter what I do I cant stop over thinking..worrying...obsessing that something will go wrong...that he'll drop me for no reason out of the blue...like the last one. I read into everything he does...he took me on vacation last weekend to the beach. He spent alot of money on the trip so he told me we'd have to cut out the spending for awhile. I was fine with that of course. He then told me he had to work on my birthday (next week) even though he told me he'd get the night off a month ago....that was before he dropped alot of money on the trip. I know he could easily switch shifts with another coworker...thats what he did for my school ceremony...I guess he doesnt want to do that now. I decided to just be grateful for the trip and told him how appreciative I was and how I'd be happy just hanging out at his place for my birthday....but I still dont know why he decided not to switch shifts like he said he would Hes a corrections officer and doesnt make alot of money so I dont mind that we're not going out since we just went on vacation....but he could switch shifts and we could spend the night in. I dont know why he changed his mind about that.....so now my mind goes crazy I keep going over the weekend....trying to figure out if anything changed between us...if his feelings changed....if I'm missing anything...I feel like I'm losing my mind....trying to prepare myself for him dropping me...this feels horrible He said we would celebrate my birthday before the actual day....maybe just not on the day. Hes still hinting that he might get the night off My point in all of this is....I dont know if I will ever recover from being dropped by my last bf. I feel like I'm always preparing myself for impending doom I dont let him see any of this...how insecure I am. I have a hard time talking about my feelings now. I was never like that before. My walls are up. Sometimes I think it would be easier being alone....but I love him and our relationship...I dont want to end things I want to repair myself from my past... I just dont know how. And I dont know if I even have a reason to worry...I cant tell up from down...left from right. I cant stop torturing myself and just enjoy him and our relationship Edited June 14, 2016 by Disillusionment373 6
Satu Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 You write very well. Start journalling and write about your thoughts and feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, pain, joy; everything. I guarantee that you will derive benefit from it. You could share some of it here, if you want. It helped me, more than I can say. Take care. 2
Author Dis Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 You write very well. Start journalling and write about your thoughts and feelings, hopes, dreams, fears, pain, joy; everything. I guarantee that you will derive benefit from it. You could share some of it here, if you want. It helped me, more than I can say. Take care. Thank you Satu...I really appreciate that. Its funny you suggested using writing as an outlet as I turned to writing many times in the past as a coping mechanism. I've found writing poetry helps to get my feeling out of me and onto paper. I will start that up again. I'm really glad you suggested that...I think that will help. Side note: Our physical attraction is great between us...he always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am...how he thought I was stunning on our first date. This is what I do...I look for things to reassure myself..then I derail by feeding into worries and negative thoughts 1
Lorenza Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 You're in a self-sabotaging mode. If you don't stop, you'll destroy this relationship, but I know that it's easier said than done - your brain has fallen into a pattern that's supposed to preserve you, but actually is destroying you. I honestly think you sound not ready for a relationship and should take some time off, work on yourself and your confidence. Otherwise, if you really want to keep this guy, you'll have to do the work on the side, but it's gonna be tough cause he will always be a trigger.
Larryville Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Dis: I'm curious have you ever thought about having a blog? I did a personal and political blog years ago (anonymous of course) but the mental processing outlet was seriously cathartic. 2
basil67 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I suggest you remind yourself that the last relationship didn't end out of the blue. Yes, it may have felt like it, but it actually had red flags all over it. It was too fast, too heavy, too soon. You over committed to a guy you barely knew and then found out some not so great things about him. That relationship was only ever going to crash and burn. This relationship is new. You're not seeing any red flags. It's all going well. You're happy. And it sounds like you're being realistic that it may end. (After all, we do have many endings before we find 'the one'). Just keep pacing yourself. 1
Cinnamonstix Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Since everyone is addressing the bigger picture, I'll address the birthday issue. I think it's understandable that you're disappointed. Especially since he indicates a high level of commitment to you with his words and actions so far. So not getting the night off on your birthday doesn't seem to fit into the picture that's been painted - especially when he had already planned to take it off before. I would be confused as well. Maybe you could ask innocently and in a positive tone, "Hey so, I was just wondering; you said a while back that you were able to get my birthday off a while back. Were you not able to switch shifts?" And/or "I don't need to make a big deal about my birthday in general, but I was really looking forward to hanging out with you." And then see what he says. I really believe open communication is the way to go. I know it's tricky though because you're only two months in. But then you've already said ILU's..... so if he really does love you, he will want to make you happy and will be happy you want to clear the air with your concerns. Btw, from the little I can see on the forum, I think you are ready for a relationship. Sometimes we need to work through things within a relationship. I mean, is there really a better environment to work through trust than within a relationship that requires trust? I don't think you're damaged. You give good, solid advice on this forum. If he's right for you, I truly think this relationship will heal you. 3
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Since everyone is addressing the bigger picture, I'll address the birthday issue. I think it's understandable that you're disappointed. Especially since he indicates a high level of commitment to you with his words and actions so far. So not getting the night off on your birthday doesn't seem to fit into the picture that's been painted - especially when he had already planned to take it off before. I would be confused as well. Maybe you could ask innocently and in a positive tone, "Hey so, I was just wondering; you said a while back that you were able to get my birthday off a while back. Were you not able to switch shifts?" And/or "I don't need to make a big deal about my birthday in general, but I was really looking forward to hanging out with you." And then see what he says. I really believe open communication is the way to go. I know it's tricky though because you're only two months in. But then you've already said ILU's..... so if he really does love you, he will want to make you happy and will be happy you want to clear the air with your concerns. Btw, from the little I can see on the forum, I think you are ready for a relationship. Sometimes we need to work through things within a relationship. I mean, is there really a better environment to work through trust than within a relationship that requires trust? I don't think you're damaged. You give good, solid advice on this forum. If he's right for you, I truly think this relationship will heal you. So much this^^... 1
BaileyB Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I think what you are feeling is only natural in the beginning of any relationship when things are still fairly uncertain... Especially, if you've been really hurt in the past. You won't like this very much, but the truth is that there are no guarantees in life... People have been married 40 years until the day that one partner says, for no particular reason... This isn't working for me. Unfortunately, it is the risk you take with any relationship. I personally have avoided dating in the past and letting people get too close because I was afraid of getting hurt... But the thing is, if you don't take the risk, you will also be hurt because you will miss out on the experience and live with regret. As the saying goes, "What if I fall. Oh, but darling, what happens if you fly..." I would suggest you consider finding a counsellor if you can who can offer some cognitive behavioural therapy. I don't think it will take you long because you are good at identifying your feelings and fears... I think you just need a little help to change your perspective and develop some new coping skills. Best of luck! 2
Author Dis Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Since everyone is addressing the bigger picture, I'll address the birthday issue. I think it's understandable that you're disappointed. Especially since he indicates a high level of commitment to you with his words and actions so far. So not getting the night off on your birthday doesn't seem to fit into the picture that's been painted - especially when he had already planned to take it off before. I would be confused as well. Maybe you could ask innocently and in a positive tone, "Hey so, I was just wondering; you said a while back that you were able to get my birthday off a while back. Were you not able to switch shifts?" And/or "I don't need to make a big deal about my birthday in general, but I was really looking forward to hanging out with you." And then see what he says. I really believe open communication is the way to go. I know it's tricky though because you're only two months in. But then you've already said ILU's..... so if he really does love you, he will want to make you happy and will be happy you want to clear the air with your concerns. Btw, from the little I can see on the forum, I think you are ready for a relationship. Sometimes we need to work through things within a relationship. I mean, is there really a better environment to work through trust than within a relationship that requires trust? I don't think you're damaged. You give good, solid advice on this forum. If he's right for you, I truly think this relationship will heal you. Thanks for that validation!...it confused me as well. You gave great advice but I'm not sure how to go about using it because I tried to talk to him about it a few times. The first time I said I was confused because he said he would take it off so he asked me, what would you like me to do? I said, I'd like it if you could take it off. That convo ended and it seemed like he would. The second convo it seemed like he wasnt going to take it off and he was being alittle cool about it (we had been driving for 2 hours and he wasnt feeling well) so I didnt want to press the issue...but he gave me the impression that he might still take it off. I started to feel like I was acting overly entitled since he just took me on a trip so I sent him a text thanking him for the trip and saying I would be happy just hanging out at his place any night of the week for my birthday. He said, Ok, I'll let you know But to tell you the truth I am disappointed. Like you said hes been all about making me happy and then this happens. I think I might hold a resentment about this (a tiny one) if he doesnt follow through on his intial word. But now I dont know how to confront the issue as I've already spoken to him about it a few times and left off saying it didnt matter when it does. I dont want to beat a dead horse but I also want to be heard Thank you also for your encouraging words. The last sentence was beautiful and gave me hope. I do feel I'm ready for a relationship but I do know I need to go to counseling to sort this out. Maybe he will be the one that reinstates my ability to trust or maybe not....the uncertainty is very scary
Author Dis Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 I suggest you remind yourself that the last relationship didn't end out of the blue. Yes, it may have felt like it, but it actually had red flags all over it. It was too fast, too heavy, too soon. You over committed to a guy you barely knew and then found out some not so great things about him. That relationship was only ever going to crash and burn. This relationship is new. You're not seeing any red flags. It's all going well. You're happy. And it sounds like you're being realistic that it may end. (After all, we do have many endings before we find 'the one'). Just keep pacing yourself. You're very right basil. I know it didnt end out of the blue. I know he was a very screwed up man. Its just that I didnt see the red flags until it was over...so the ending was shocking. And yes my current bf is nothing like my ex. Because of my ex I've been super careful and kept an eye open for red flags with my current bf. Thank god I havent seen any. Hes a really great guy. Although I feel damaged from my ex I do feel he taught me many lessons. 1
Author Dis Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Dis: I'm curious have you ever thought about having a blog? I did a personal and political blog years ago (anonymous of course) but the mental processing outlet was seriously cathartic. Ok I'm going to have a technological blonde moment here...what is a blog exactly? I've heard of them I'm just not sure what they are lol
Author Dis Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 I think what you are feeling is only natural in the beginning of any relationship when things are still fairly uncertain... Especially, if you've been really hurt in the past. You won't like this very much, but the truth is that there are no guarantees in life... People have been married 40 years until the day that one partner says, for no particular reason... This isn't working for me. Unfortunately, it is the risk you take with any relationship. I personally have avoided dating in the past and letting people get too close because I was afraid of getting hurt... But the thing is, if you don't take the risk, you will also be hurt because you will miss out on the experience and live with regret. As the saying goes, "What if I fall. Oh, but darling, what happens if you fly..." I would suggest you consider finding a counsellor if you can who can offer some cognitive behavioural therapy. I don't think it will take you long because you are good at identifying your feelings and fears... I think you just need a little help to change your perspective and develop some new coping skills. Best of luck! I am going to go back to my therapist. She is a great one and we have a good relationship. Thank you for understanding. And I wouldnt miss out on my relationship with him just because I'm scared of getting hurt...like you said, thats the risk we have to take The bold print gave me the chills lol...very beautiful 1
BaileyB Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 All the best to you... Good decision. I love that quote too... 2
Author Dis Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 I'm going to make an appointment with my therapist but does anyone have any tips on how to cope with this kind of thing until I can get an appointment? I've found its very difficult to pull myself out of that negative head space...it dominates most of my thoughts. This is becoming very unhealthy and is tortuous at times I'll start writing....I think that will help....any other ideas??? Are my worries even justified??? I cant see straight
joseb Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Honestly. Just chill out. That's it. Look, if my gf had just taken me on holidays but was not prepared to take time off on my birthday, it would probably rank a 1 out of a hundred in the worry scale. Having said that, birthdays to me are no biggie, I never take mine off, some years Ive even forgotten till next day. Maybe your bf is similar. How long were you single after your ex? 3
Empyrea Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Maybe he's planning on surprising you..? I was debating on whether to even mention this, because a) if he is, then it would spoil the surprise a bit, b) if he isn't, you'd feel extra disappointed. Or maybe he really just couldn't get the day off work - you could suggest doing something special together the day after (a nice meal in, some cake and wine). I really don't believe that birthdays are such a big deal and that your partner has to plan something super extravagant for you. And it isn't always necessary to celebrate on the right day.. Besides, the two of you have only been dating for a couple of months, maybe he doesn't know what to get you and being short on money is also adding stress to it, etc. I think it would be really cool of you to take the pressure off him, say that you understand that he has to work and that he should come over for cake later (or the day after). If your relationship continues to grow, you can address these kinds of questions then (like if birthdays are really important to you and you like to celebrate in a certain way or something). Right now, I think you're definitely being worried over nothing, it's classical early relationship anxiety. Counselling will help, until then, just relax and stop over thinking. Write down your anxious thoughts and then put them aside. 1
SammySammy Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I'm going to make an appointment with my therapist but does anyone have any tips on how to cope with this kind of thing until I can get an appointment? I've found its very difficult to pull myself out of that negative head space...it dominates most of my thoughts. This is becoming very unhealthy and is tortuous at times I'll start writing....I think that will help....any other ideas??? Are my worries even justified??? I cant see straight I don't know how to stop those thoughts, but I'm glad you're aware they are detrimental to you and your relationship. I wonder if yoga and meditation would help. Practicing clearing your mind and relaxing until it becomes a skill that you can tap into in an instant. If found a list of suggestions that might be helpful: 40 Ways To Create Peace of Mind I hope you find peace because you deserve happiness. You're so close. 3
SunnyWeather Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 (edited) I'm going to make an appointment with my therapist but does anyone have any tips on how to cope with this kind of thing until I can get an appointment? I've found its very difficult to pull myself out of that negative head space...it dominates most of my thoughts. This is becoming very unhealthy and is tortuous at times I'll start writing....I think that will help....any other ideas??? Are my worries even justified??? I cant see straight take some walks, preferably in nature. hang out with some girlfriends. meditate. do something you have a special talent or fondness of--in other words, get back in touch with yourself! have fun! Edited June 15, 2016 by SunnyWeather 2
mammax3 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 From the meditation stand point - that's been very helpful for me when I start to climb up into my head and over analyzing (totally a protective knee jerk response, normal but troublesome) as well as journalling. The meditative piece that helps for me: take notice when your thoughts start to 'climb' up into your head and as soon as you notice take a breath in that moment and notice what's going on in your body. Is your heart racing? Your hands sweaty? Are your toes tapping? Does your stomach feel sick? And then just breathe and notice what your body is feeling - don't try to change it, but just observe. After a few breaths of noticing, notice your breath and where you feel it... through your nose? in your chest? in your belly? in your throat? and then notice *that* for several breaths. If you can, give yourself a mental hug and trust that you'll get through this. Whatever comes up, you got it. He surprises you? Awesome - you got it. He works? Cool - you got it. You both stay in? Sure - no problem. You got this! 1
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Honestly. Just chill out. That's it. Look, if my gf had just taken me on holidays but was not prepared to take time off on my birthday, it would probably rank a 1 out of a hundred in the worry scale. Having said that, birthdays to me are no biggie, I never take mine off, some years Ive even forgotten till next day. Maybe your bf is similar. How long were you single after your ex? Dis, I understand your anxiety, but I have to agree with joseb on this. Here is what I predict will happen if you don't try and contain the anxiety, at least around him. Re your birthday -- he now has to work. IMO, disappointing but fair enough! It's his job, shyt happens. If you start asking him about it, asking him why he couldn't switch it around, telling him you are disappointed etc. he is gonna start perceiving you as needy, insecure whiny. As a result, he pulls away, needs some distance. Thus causing you to become more insecure and needy, seeking reassurance. It becomes a vicious cycle of you feeling anxious and insecure, needing reassurance and him pulling away. Please please please try and relax. Yoga, pilates, running, meditation, eating healthy organic foods help me calm down a lot! Try and think positive thoughts! Everything is going super. You had a wonderful vacation. He LOVES YOU!! Okay he has to work on your b'day, big whoop. Is it really that big of a deal that he spends your birthday with you? Personally, I couldn't care less. But you're not me so perhaps for you birthdays have some deeper meaning.... I don't know. But him having to work certainly is NOT a reflection of how he feels about you, that's for darn sure. Stay with THAT thought, okay? Luv ya girl, hang in there! 1
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) I think this might be it..... He texted me yesterday around 7pm. We exhanged a few texts then he dropped off the face of the planet. I texted him once a few hours later...no reply I texted him today around 6:30, asking if he was ok He texted me back...like nothing happened...his usual self saying, "Ya I'm fine just got out of the gym. How's your day?" I texted him back He didnt reply I called 2 hours later....he didnt pick up So I'm not calling or texting until I hear from him. This is very unusual behavior for him because he always texts me back and calls me back. So this is very very off. I've been a wreck today....a wreck. Impending doom. I feel awful. Who knows maybe some things came up...or maybe this is the beginning of the end Also...as a side note... I sent him a really nice text a day or two ago thanking him for the trip and how I thought it was so thoughtful and sweet of him to take me. I alslo said how I would be happy just hanging out at his place any night of the week for my birthday. So I didnt press the issue....so whatever is going on now doesnt have to do with that I have no idea if I'm overreacting about this lastest development....I have no idea if this is the end or not Edited June 16, 2016 by Disillusionment373
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 (edited) ^^^I should also add to this^^^ Also my phone malfunctions sometimes....sometimes I dont get texts...sometimes people dont get mine. My bf tried to call me once and my phone didnt ring or notify me that he called. This doesnt happen often but maybe it is now. I'm racking my brain trying to think of reasonable excuses for this. I'm really not handling this well right now Edited June 16, 2016 by Disillusionment373
katiegrl Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I think this might be it..... He texted me yesterday around 7pm. We exhanged a few texts then he dropped off the face of the planet. I texted him once a few hours later...no reply I texted him today around 6:30, asking if he was ok He texted me back...like nothing happened...his usual self saying, "Ya I'm fine just got out of the gym. How's your day?" I texted him back He didnt reply I called 2 hours later....he didnt pick up So I'm not calling or texting until I hear from him. This is very unusual behavior for him because he always texts me back and calls me back. So this is very very off. I've been a wreck today....a wreck. Impending doom. I feel awful. Who knows maybe some things came up...or maybe this is the beginning of the end Also...as a side note... I sent him a really nice text a day or two ago thanking him for the trip and how I thought it was so thoughtful and sweet of him to take me. I alslo said how I would be happy just hanging out at his place any night of the week for my birthday. So I didnt press the issue....so whatever is going on now doesnt have to do with that I have no idea if I'm overreacting about this lastest development....I have no idea if this is the end or not Dis, bolded/underlined above -- yes do this. Leave him be for awhile. My thinking is he needs a bit of space/lone time after your vaca together. I went through this with my ex and it is very common with some guys. Please try to not take it personally. Do not keep texting and calling asking if everything is okay. LET HIM BE. It's normal. Again, he just spent a significant amount time with you on vacation, he is needing a bit of space -- caving if you will. Again NORMAL. If you try to enter his cave (i.e. texting, calling, essentially asking him for reassurance, cuz let's face it that is exactly what you are doing).... you will push him further back in the "cave." Some women won't agree with this, but I have been through it. With my ex and we were together six years. It only happened during the first few months. I always left him alone, and he always came back a couple of days later (no longer than two days TOPS) his loving, caring and happy self. Pretty soon he didn't need any lone time at all.... Anywho I really think this is what it is Dis.... If he remains distant for any longer than a few days, then we can revisit, but for now try not to worry and just do your own thing... Stay busy, stay active.... as I said, yoga, running, eating right all help me relax and helps to relieve my anxiety. Good luck sweetness... 2
Author Dis Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 Dis, bolded/underlined above -- yes do this. Leave him be for awhile. My thinking is he needs a bit of space/lone time after your vaca together. I went through this with my ex and it is very common with some guys. Please try to not take it personally. Do not keep texting and calling asking if everything is okay. LET HIM BE. It's normal. Again, he just spent a significant amount time with you on vacation, he is needing a bit of space -- caving if you will. Again NORMAL. If you try to enter his cave (i.e. texting, calling, essentially asking him for reassurance, cuz let's face it that is exactly what you are doing).... you will push him further back in the "cave." Some women won't agree with this, but I have been through it. With my ex and we were together six years. It only happened during the first few months. I always left him alone, and he always came back a couple of days later (no longer than two days TOPS) his loving, caring and happy self. Pretty soon he didn't need any lone time at all.... Anywho I really think this is what it is Dis.... If he remains distant for any longer than a few days, then we can revisit, but for now try not to worry and just do your own thing... Stay busy, stay active.... as I said, yoga, running, eating right all help me relax and helps to relieve my anxiety. Good luck sweetness... THANK YOU katiegrl!!! I never thought of that. Good point. Good thing I only sent him 1 text yesterday and 1 today and a phone call. So glad I didnt go over the top and blow his phone up (hopefully I didnt...I dont think I did...I know alot of my friends wouldve been worse) Now that you mention that and now that I've done some thinking, I do think I was reading to much into it (I think). Some peace has washed over me now that I've been racked with nerves the whole day. I have a lab practical tomorrow so I'm stressed. Ok, yes I 100% agree with you and I'm fine with giving him space and letting him reach out to me...that wont be a problem You're very right when you say that guys need space...my girlfriend was saying the same thing today. Thanks so much for your advice
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