scooby-philly Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Okay - so if you want to bash me for robbing the cradle - please go somewhere else. I'd like to have an intelligent conversation about this. So - a bit about me - 34, SWM - good career, diverse hobbies, travel experience, passionate, outgoing but introverted - big east coast city. I didn't have a lot of dating experience in HS/college and in my 20's. I've made up for lost time in the past 6 years. Did get engaged at one point but it didn't work out. I've come to realize that I was conditioned by my childhood experiences, family, etc to be a people pleaser and a care-taker. I can be moody and I can be a bit of a smart ass, but I'm generally loyal, caring, and affectionate. I've also come to realize that my two long-term relationships didn't work out b/c I was with someone who didn't really, fundamentally respect and love me. Sure they used the words, but they did whatever the **** they wanted, didn't appreciate what I did, and were more interested in appearing "normal" and in a normal relationship then really being with ME - good and bad points and all. So I now realize one major criteria for me is "does she treat me nicely". I know - shocker right? Anyway I writing b/c I think I will be in a dilemma sooner rather than later. I've been going out on a few dates with someone I met through a paid online dating site. We've had great conversations, have similar views on things, have had great dinners, and more - but the sex wasn't great. I mean after foreplay and me working on her, I couldn't even get up (which is seriously not a problem for me) b/c we were being silly and goofy and I can't be those things and get hard at the same time. She's also 34, has a good career - but it's non-profit so she works a lot and also doesn't make what she could outside of that world (but she is financially stable and responsible - just saying - and no money isn't everything to me.) I've also met and became a FWB with a young woman - 22. Honestly - the sex is amazing. I mean - we like the same stuff, she's as passionate as I am. And she seems pretty cool - still in school, doesn't have a great job - but is independent, low-key, and relaxed. I've never thought about dating more than one person at a time but I'm stuck - I could keep going with both - but I don't want to develop feelings for them both only to have to choose one over the other. And I don't like stringing people along. As I said with #1 - my age - she's solid and funny and we have great conversations - which is important to me - but the sex was....well there wasn't any. I just don't get the vibe with her. And I'm not sure it will come? And with # 2 - she's younger (but not immature) and has a lot of work ahead of her - but I get the vibe - even if we don't end up working out in the long run I could imagine enjoying the ride and having no regrets were as I can really only see #1 and I being friends. Thoughts? Perspectives?
AMJ Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Do you want a relationship? It sounds like one woman leads to a relationship, and the other doesn't. Sex with 34 y/o wasn't amazing right away but it could get better. Sex with 22 y/o is amazing but she'll probably move on to someone else before summer is over.
grays Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 If the young one wasn't around, would you pursue the older one? 1
Author scooby-philly Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 Do you want a relationship? It sounds like one woman leads to a relationship, and the other doesn't. Sex with 34 y/o wasn't amazing right away but it could get better. Sex with 22 y/o is amazing but she'll probably move on to someone else before summer is over. Not necessarily. I've had sex before with a 22 y/o or two since I've turned 30. It's not all that it's cracked up to be. Seriously. I'm a big believer in sexual chemistry. Either people have the same or compatible styles or they don't. And the older one - she's even admitted that we may be too much alike for things to work out. I don't think the younger one is going to hop to someone else per se. From what I've learned - she's quiet, she's not into serial dating, and she's not looking for something one and done. She's very attractive but I think she doesn't get out much and doesn't like parties/scenes so I think if I'm still feeling it and she is it may last a while. See my response to the next poster for more.
Author scooby-philly Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 If the young one wasn't around, would you pursue the older one? Thanks for the reply. This goes along with my response to the first poster. I don't think if the young one wasn't around I would necessarily pursue the older one. We're very compatible in many ways but even she's admitted we may be too much alike for things to work out. She seems like someone I could easily be friends with and feel good. The chemistry when I kissed her and even when we tried sex just wasn't there for me. And while it's not the end of the world per se - 1. I don't imagine it betting any better and 2. Chemistry is big for me - and not just sexual chemistry (which is top 5 for sure) but it's also just the way we click. It's too early to tell on both accounts. I just don't want to string the older one along if I'm not truly feeling it. I mean, #1 and I - we've been on a hiatus for a little while b/c of our schedules - and that's where the FWB kind of slipped in. I was thinking about talking with #1 before the FWB situation arised - I'm not the type of person who can identify and sort through their emotions easily - but I was feeling that while we could talk about a lot of things and be playful and stuff I just wasn't "attracted" to her.
oldshirt Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Neither. Choosing either one exclusively is settling. Keep dating until you find the one where you are are not asking how to compromise. 7
oldshirt Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 When you find the right one, you don't make comparisons or ask "either/or" questions. 1
Author scooby-philly Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 Neither. Choosing either one exclusively is settling. Keep dating until you find the one where you are are not asking how to compromise. True - both this and your other message. I think with #1 I just don't feel it. And I don't have a clue what will happen with #2 - maybe I'm too old, maybe it won't work out, but I won't know unless I try. I think I'll keep it going for a little while longer - 2-3 weeks and see what happens. And I don't think that's stringing #1 along b/c she's said she has dated several people at once before and we haven't gotten to the "exclusive" stage. If we get there I'll know I'll have to make the choice.
SoThatHappened Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Let me get this straight: You're asking for advice as to whether or not you should choose between a 22 y/o who bangs your brains out, or a 34 y/o to hang out with? If possible, why not enjoy both? That is, if you can keep emotions out of it. That 22 y/o may be likely to bail at the drop of a hat. If you're not emotionally attached, why not enjoy the free milk? Again, as long as you're not emotionally attached.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 This seems like a roundabout way of asking whether you go for great sex or great personality. In all honesty, it's REALLY hard to find both and I think both sexes go through that. Some of the best sex I've had was with women I knew I didn't have anything substantial with. Whereas the "nice" women I got along great with, often bored me to do death in bed. Now of course, good sex can take time to develop after you learn about each other's desires, etc.. But I've met women before where sexual chemistry was just on point right away. So it doesn't make you want to have to be a teacher when instant chemistry is possible. However, the older you get and the more you desire a deeper connection, the less sex seems to matter in all honesty.
phineas Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 This seems like a roundabout way of asking whether you go for great sex or great personality. In all honesty, it's REALLY hard to find both and I think both sexes go through that. Some of the best sex I've had was with women I knew I didn't have anything substantial with. Whereas the "nice" women I got along great with, often bored me to do death in bed. Now of course, good sex can take time to develop after you learn about each other's desires, etc.. But I've met women before where sexual chemistry was just on point right away. So it doesn't make you want to have to be a teacher when instant chemistry is possible. However, the older you get and the more you desire a deeper connection, the less sex seems to matter in all honesty. I'm divorced. I'll never remarry. I'll take awesome sex with bubbles the ornament over sex with "going through the motions" Laura the "interesting" lawyer any time every time. Two extremes but once one drains you of all bodily fluids are you even paying attention to what they say? i'm not. 2
katiegrl Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 As I said with #1 - my age - she's solid and funny and we have great conversations - which is important to me - but the sex was....well there wasn't any. I just don't get the vibe with her. And I'm not sure it will come? And with # 2 - she's younger (but not immature) and has a lot of work ahead of her - but I get the vibe - even if we don't end up working out in the long run I could imagine enjoying the ride and having no regrets were as I can really only see #1 and I being friends. I vote for girl no. 2. You and no. 1 sound more like friends. Girl no. 2 is young, but you said she is not immature, and I would venture to guess the reason you're not having great convos is cuz you're too busy having great sex! So keep no. 1 as a friend (if she's open to that) and have a blast (and great sex) with no. 2, and see where it goes. Maybe it will lead to something, maybe not, but damn you sure got a great start! Enjoy! 2
Versacehottie Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 True - both this and your other message. I think with #1 I just don't feel it. And I don't have a clue what will happen with #2 - maybe I'm too old, maybe it won't work out, but I won't know unless I try. I think I'll keep it going for a little while longer - 2-3 weeks and see what happens. And I don't think that's stringing #1 along b/c she's said she has dated several people at once before and we haven't gotten to the "exclusive" stage. If we get there I'll know I'll have to make the choice. I think you should drop #1 because if what you wrote here is how you feel about her then I would say you are effectively stringing her along. Either that or try to have better sex with her a chance or two more. I think you should keep dating #2 casually because I don't think you are at a "decision" point with her yet. There is enough good there to keep going and see what happens. Honestly, though I don't think it will be either of these women. I could be wrong though. Your reasons for #1 are all "Practical" based and are a recipe for resentment and a loveless relationship. If there is any "age" considerations to make it would be for her--allow her to find someone else because she is probably more serious about settling down, in spite of the things she has said to the contrary. I think you should multi-date #2 and other people until you "know" without debating pros and cons. That's the feeling you should have. Good luck.
Versacehottie Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 THIS: I've come to realize that I was conditioned by my childhood experiences, family, etc to be a people pleaser and a care-taker. I can be moody and I can be a bit of a smart ass, but I'm generally loyal, caring, and affectionate. Is why THIS: I've also come to realize that my two long-term relationships didn't work out b/c I was with someone who didn't really, fundamentally respect and love me. Sure they used the words, but they did whatever the **** they wanted, didn't appreciate what I did, and were more interested in appearing "normal" and in a normal relationship then really being with ME - good and bad points and all. See above ^^^ Those two things are correlated. People pleasing = ending up with people who don't respect you.
Author scooby-philly Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Well - some great points. I appreciate people not bashing either. To be fair - #1 seemed great at first. Great conversation but I'm not sure how we would click either long-term. And the sex - or attempt their in - wasn't great. #1 has been married before - and I don't think she wants to be a serial dater anymore. I will say - while she seems to appreciate me I'm not sure if there isn't a little bit of a man hater in her so not sure if I want to commit to someone that feels it's a privilege to date them. #2 is definitely not immature - I dated a 39 year old who was more immature than this 22 year old. And I never said we haven't talked...but yes the sex is awesome. I'm not opposed to trying both and seeing what happens - I just think - as I said earlier - my only real concern is being a gentlemen towards #1 - if it gets to the point where she talks about exclusivity or starts doing things to suggest it - then I'll need to be honest with her. She did invite me to a July 4th party at her place - I may not be able to go - so that may be my Waterloo
oldshirt Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 You are all consenting single adults. Why are you feeling any pressure to 'choose' at all????? You haven't said anything about either of them pressuring you into any kind of commitment at all. Why can't you simply date whoever you feel like and whoever is available at that moment? Why can't you remain on the dating market and date any other woman that catches your eye at any given time as well. Each of these women has their own set of pros and cons, yet neither is the total package, so why are we even having this discussion? You are spending angst and energy and headspace over an issue that doesn't really even need to exist. Noone is demanding that you pick one of these women so why are you demanding it of yourself? If you feel the urge to take out #1 tomorrow night and discuss Trump's policy on Mideast immigration, then knock yourself out. If you are feeling a bit randy by Friday night and want #2 to come over and ride you like a stolen horse, then go for it. If that cute redhead that started working down in accounting or the tall, slender blond that always smiles and says hi when she walks the dog by your house are intriguing you and you'd like to get to know them better, then ask them out too. You're a 34 year old man, you don't need your Aunt Petunia's blessing to date any woman you want for whatever reason you want. Don't burn up headspace worrying about this, simply do what you want. As long as you aren't deceiving or manipulating anyone or doing anything under false pretenses, there is no foul here. All are consenting adults and no one is holding you to any kind of commitment here. so don't place any restrictions on yourself. 2
Author scooby-philly Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 You are all consenting single adults. Why are you feeling any pressure to 'choose' at all????? You haven't said anything about either of them pressuring you into any kind of commitment at all. Why can't you simply date whoever you feel like and whoever is available at that moment? Why can't you remain on the dating market and date any other woman that catches your eye at any given time as well. Each of these women has their own set of pros and cons, yet neither is the total package, so why are we even having this discussion? You are spending angst and energy and headspace over an issue that doesn't really even need to exist. Noone is demanding that you pick one of these women so why are you demanding it of yourself? If you feel the urge to take out #1 tomorrow night and discuss Trump's policy on Mideast immigration, then knock yourself out. If you are feeling a bit randy by Friday night and want #2 to come over and ride you like a stolen horse, then go for it. If that cute redhead that started working down in accounting or the tall, slender blond that always smiles and says hi when she walks the dog by your house are intriguing you and you'd like to get to know them better, then ask them out too. You're a 34 year old man, you don't need your Aunt Petunia's blessing to date any woman you want for whatever reason you want. Don't burn up headspace worrying about this, simply do what you want. As long as you aren't deceiving or manipulating anyone or doing anything under false pretenses, there is no foul here. All are consenting adults and no one is holding you to any kind of commitment here. so don't place any restrictions on yourself. True - I guess I'm the one pressuring myself. #1 wants to keep seeing me, but we're at a nice, healthy and chilled pace. #2 wants to keep ****ing me - and it's amazing. Guess I'm worried about something that's not even there.
salparadise Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 For what it's worth, I think as a healthy red-blooded man you have to have sexual chemistry or it's a non-starter. Sex is the glue that holds romance together. You can't make it on sexual chemistry alone, but if you don't have it there's no point in wasting anyone's time unless you're both truly just interested in platonic friendship (rare). My theory... the magic trifecta. Sexual, intellectual and personality compatibility is necessary for a long term romance that can be sustainable. I have tried several times to make do with two out of the three and it doesn't work. I finally found all three in one person and it does seem to be working quite well. I say stick with #2 and figure out what kind of person she is. The great sex will make it hard to be objective in the near term, but until you're seeing deal breakers in the other two areas there's no reason not to enjoy the trip. 4
oldshirt Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 .... And just a personal FYI, I was in an extremely similar situation back when I was 30 (I am 52 now). The only difference between my story and yours was my sexual hottie was only 4 years younger. In my case the more intellectual and flat in the bedroom woman didn't like the arraignment and took herself out of the equation. The hottie and I celebrated our 20th anniversary last fall and I have a story about one our swinging encounters in the sexuality forum from about a month or so ago. Needless to say, I have no regrets on how that turned out :-D 1
SammySammy Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I agree with the "why do you have to choose" crew. I've been with a woman twelve years younger. It's only a problem for the people who make it a problem.
Author scooby-philly Posted June 17, 2016 Author Posted June 17, 2016 For what it's worth, I think as a healthy red-blooded man you have to have sexual chemistry or it's a non-starter. Sex is the glue that holds romance together. You can't make it on sexual chemistry alone, but if you don't have it there's no point in wasting anyone's time unless you're both truly just interested in platonic friendship (rare). My theory... the magic trifecta. Sexual, intellectual and personality compatibility is necessary for a long term romance that can be sustainable. I have tried several times to make do with two out of the three and it doesn't work. I finally found all three in one person and it does seem to be working quite well. I say stick with #2 and figure out what kind of person she is. The great sex will make it hard to be objective in the near term, but until you're seeing deal breakers in the other two areas there's no reason not to enjoy the trip. Thanks to everyone who responded. I agree - I'm the one placing the pressure on myself. No one else is. Both are fine seeing with me when I'm available. My self-analysis is I'm afraid I guess of not being a "nice guy" - but honestly - I haven't lied to either yet and with #1 we're not at the point of exclusivity yet and with #2 - we're not really talking about "dating" - just hanging out and bonking as much as possible
Els Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 Neither. I've tried Rs that went either way - no sexual compatibility, or no intellectual compatibility, and I think being single was preferable. It's possible (not easy, but possible) to find someone who has both - I'm in a R with one such person. Obviously, you still need to put in effort, as is the norm in Rs, you can't just expect that a brainy sex kitten will come around and blow your socks off both ways all your life without you doing anything for them. 3
Els Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 For what it's worth, I think as a healthy red-blooded man you have to have sexual chemistry or it's a non-starter. Sex is the glue that holds romance together. You can't make it on sexual chemistry alone, but if you don't have it there's no point in wasting anyone's time unless you're both truly just interested in platonic friendship (rare). My theory... the magic trifecta. Sexual, intellectual and personality compatibility is necessary for a long term romance that can be sustainable. I have tried several times to make do with two out of the three and it doesn't work. I finally found all three in one person and it does seem to be working quite well. I say stick with #2 and figure out what kind of person she is. The great sex will make it hard to be objective in the near term, but until you're seeing deal breakers in the other two areas there's no reason not to enjoy the trip. I agree with the rest of your post, but not the bolded. He specifically said that he thinks she 'has a lot of work ahead of her'. People are not projects - you can't just take someone you like having sex with and expect that you can change them to your liking. If he can't accept her the way she is, he has no business trying for anything more than FWBs with her IMO.
Sabella Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 I'm divorced. I'll never remarry. I'll take awesome sex with bubbles the ornament over sex with "going through the motions" Laura the "interesting" lawyer any time every time. Two extremes but once one drains you of all bodily fluids are you even paying attention to what they say? i'm not. Omg this had me laughing so hard. Touché
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 17, 2016 Posted June 17, 2016 If these two women can only fulfill one aspect of what you want in a partner then I would suggest that you keep dating other people until you find exactly what you are looking for. It already sounds like you have ruled out #1 and the fact that you only have a sexual arrangement with #2 rather than dating each other is also telling. If you are looking for a relationship then it makes sense to find someone who can light your fire both mentally and physically. My advice, keep your options open. 1
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