Thoughts on being friends with benefits with ex

[is_he_mine]

So my ex and I broke up about a year ago. And let's say it was like World War 3. It was a really bad one and we didn't talk during that year that we were broken up.

A couple of weeks ago we saw each other again after this party and he asked me to meet and catch up. He said he felt so bad about how we left it and how things went from there. We met up and I honestly thought it was a bootycall but he said that he respected me enough to not hook up and honestly hadn't even thought about it. But after I had put it out there we eventually hooked up.

 

We've been seeing each other for about a month now, about once a week. I stay for about 6ish hours. We have rules. 1. If we want to have sex with somebody else we need to tell the other and stop what we are doing. So we aren't allowed to have sex with somebody else and we need to be honest. When we hang out we first talk for a while, fill the other in on what happend and stuff. When I'm with him it feels like we're back together. He keeps rubbing my back, holding my hands and stroking my head. When we cuddle and kiss it feels like it's the last time we would ever see each other, it's like he's holding on for dear life.

We talk to each other on a daily basis, about random stuff.

 

All my friends say that he wants to get back together because of what he does, says and that that is the reason he reached out after almost a year. What do you think? Does he wants to get back together?

[SammySammy]

I believe he does want to get back together.

 

Because of your history, it may be difficult to be FWB without one or both of you catching feelings. You're going to have to decide if you want a relationship with him at that point. Might as well make the decision now.

[Satu]

You're already back in a relationship with each other; you're just calling it something else.

[No_Go]

Awful idea.

 

Much better to buy a good vibrator, make a Tinder account or even hook up in Casual Encounters from Craigslist. Seriously, even the latter has lower risk than hooking up with an ex that you broke up with WWIII.

 

He is probably manipulating you in for the sex and/or because he feels lonely.

 

I btw done the same as you when I was younger (we broke up because my ex was abusive, he re-appeared and love bombed me and we became FWB or something like this... We were seeing each other in public as well and talking on the phone daily like you). And he ended up being abusive again 1-2 months later People don''t change. We just forget events selectively when we're lonely.

[ExpatInItaly]

Bad idea.

 

If you two would like to work towards reconciliation, do so. Date each other again.

 

But don't be FWB; it will get too messy.

[is_he_mine]

But the thing is, today I asked him about how he sees the future and he said: one of us is going to find somebody and we'll eventually have to stop doing this. But then when we're together he's 'angry' when I don't show him who I'm texting, he does all the regular boyfriend things.. I'm super confused..

[scooby-philly]

Ok

 

To "No_go" - stop man hating. The OP didn't say what cause WWIII or who's fault it was or what happened. So don't push her into casual ****ing without letting her weigh in first.

 

OP,

 

I agree with several other posters though - what you are describing is not a FWB situation but dating. FWB means "friends" - i.e. he can't get jealous and you shouldn't have rules about stuff other than safe sex and how the encounters will work.

 

No one knows his true intentions but he and if you don't press for either clarification on the situation or draw a line in the sand about what you'll accept or not accept (i.e. him getting upset about who you're texting, what sort of touching you're comfortable with, etc.)

 

Getting back together with someone isn't a bad idea. I wouldn't with my two serious, long-term exes - but that's my decision. but you need to make it clear about your feelings and don't forget you're saying yes to all of this so you are complicit in the activity until you change what you do.

[No_Go]

Seriously run! If he's getting angry you're really risking him turning abusive. Yo're playing with fire now.

 

But the thing is, today I asked him about how he sees the future and he said: one of us is going to find somebody and we'll eventually have to stop doing this. But then when we're together he's 'angry' when I don't show him who I'm texting, he does all the regular boyfriend things.. I'm super confused..

[Satu]

But the thing is, today I asked him about how he sees the future and he said: one of us is going to find somebody and we'll eventually have to stop doing this. But then when we're together he's 'angry' when I don't show him who I'm texting, he does all the regular boyfriend things.. *I'm super confused..

 

You're super confused because the 'friends with benefits' thing you think you're having, is nonsense.

 

It's the same old relationship, with an attempt at different rules.

 

You're both exactly the same people you were before.

 

Same positives, same negatives.

Edited June 14, 2016 by Satu

[is_he_mine]

By angry I mean 'he doesn't really like and makes a lot of jokes about it'. It's not like he's hitting me or being really angry. He just doesn't like us being on our phones when we're together..

[is_he_mine]

Ok

 

To "No_go" - stop man hating. The OP didn't say what cause WWIII or who's fault it was or what happened. So don't push her into casual ****ing without letting her weigh in first.

 

OP,

 

I agree with several other posters though - what you are describing is not a FWB situation but dating. FWB means "friends" - i.e. he can't get jealous and you shouldn't have rules about stuff other than safe sex and how the encounters will work.

 

No one knows his true intentions but he and if you don't press for either clarification on the situation or draw a line in the sand about what you'll accept or not accept (i.e. him getting upset about who you're texting, what sort of touching you're comfortable with, etc.)

 

Getting back together with someone isn't a bad idea. I wouldn't with my two serious, long-term exes - but that's my decision. but you need to make it clear about your feelings and don't forget you're saying yes to all of this so you are complicit in the activity until you change what you do.

Hahaha "Scooby-philly", our reaction had me crack up.

His behaviour has me thinking one way, but what he said today has led me thinking to the fact that he doesn't want to get back together..

Edited June 14, 2016 by is_he_mine
forgot to include the quote

[elaine567]

But the thing is, today I asked him about how he sees the future and he said: one of us is going to find somebody and we'll eventually have to stop doing this. But then when we're together he's 'angry' when I don't show him who I'm texting, he does all the regular boyfriend things.. I'm super confused..

 

FWB for many men is often pretty one sided, he gets to sleep with other women, but she is supposed to not sleep or even talk to other guys. Many men cannot cope with the fact the woman they are FWB with is sleeping with another guy. Seems like this is what you have going on here.

YOU think he is treating you like a gf, he may just be making sure you stay loyal to him and do not stray.

 

Making an ex into a FWB seems to be something some men want to achieve, Cuddling and hugging after sex may mean nothing at all.

Be aware.

Be careful.

[Satu]

If I were you I'd move on and find something better.

 

I'm sure you could.

[is_he_mine]

You're super confused because the 'friends with benefits' thing you think you're having, is nonsense.

 

It's the same old relationship, with an attempt at different rules.

 

You're both exactly the same people you were before.

 

Same positives, same negatives.

 

So you're actually saying that we're in a relationship without one of us defining it or being honest about it?

I lost him once and although I'm not fully 'in love', I don't want to loose him again. I might sound dumb and weird, but he is my best friend. When we first had met up he said: 'I didn't only loose my girlfriend, but I lost my best friend too.'

[No_Go]

I'm not man-hating. Just weighing the fact that if an angry man gets aggressive towards a woman - it can end up with a bodily harm or death. Rarely other way round (although it happens as well!)

 

She's just asking for trouble with this 'arrangement' which is btw casual ****ing as well, so I'm not suggesting anything different.

 

Ok

 

To "No_go" - stop man hating. The OP didn't say what cause WWIII or who's fault it was or what happened. So don't push her into casual ****ing without letting her weigh in first.

 

OP,

 

I agree with several other posters though - what you are describing is not a FWB situation but dating. FWB means "friends" - i.e. he can't get jealous and you shouldn't have rules about stuff other than safe sex and how the encounters will work.

 

No one knows his true intentions but he and if you don't press for either clarification on the situation or draw a line in the sand about what you'll accept or not accept (i.e. him getting upset about who you're texting, what sort of touching you're comfortable with, etc.)

 

Getting back together with someone isn't a bad idea. I wouldn't with my two serious, long-term exes - but that's my decision. but you need to make it clear about your feelings and don't forget you're saying yes to all of this so you are complicit in the activity until you change what you do.

[elaine567]

We've been seeing each other for about a month now, about once a week. I stay for about 6ish hours.

 

So you go to his place when he calls you over for sex...

[is_he_mine]

So you go to his place when he calls you over for sex...

 

We put our schedule for the week on the table and then agree what day and time would be most suitable for the both of us...

[is_he_mine]

If I were you I'd move on and find something better.

 

I'm sure you could.

 

I wish I could give us another chance tho.. I know that's not the smartest option and I really shouldn't be thinking about it..

[Satu]

*So you're actually saying that we're in a relationship without one of us defining it or being honest about it?

I lost him once and although I'm not fully 'in love', I don't want to loose him again. I might sound dumb and weird, but he is my best friend. When we first had met up he said: 'I didn't only loose my girlfriend, but I lost my best friend too.'

 

*Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. You are seeing each other and having sex together... He doesn't want you to get involved with anybody else...

 

You don't want to lose him... You lost him before...

 

When I'm with him it feels like we're back together. He keeps rubbing my back, holding my hands and stroking my head. When we cuddle and kiss it feels like it's the last time we would ever see each other, it's like he's holding on for dear life.

 

So yes, you are in a relationship. Of sorts...

 

But the thing is, today I asked him about how he sees the future and he said: one of us is going to find somebody and we'll eventually have to stop doing this. But then when we're together he's 'angry' when I don't show him who I'm texting, he does all the regular boyfriend things.. I'm super confused..

 

 

If it walks like a duck...