Does My FWB Have Feelings?

[Eel751]

Hi, I'd love to keep this short but it may be lengthy. I'm 19, my friend is 20. We go to the same college. We started talking in November and became bf/gf in December. He told me he's only had one gf and that she cheated on him. It ruined him but he blocks it out now. Our relationship was great until March when he told me he visited his ex. He said he wanted to make sure she's okay. He said she has a bf. I of course, got mad. I was pissed and upset for weeks. It didn't add up. So me being a girl, stalked this girl's Facebook to see if she actually has a bf and she does. She's constantly tagging him in everything *eyeroll*.

 

About a few weeks later my 'bf' said he wanted a no label relationship. He still wants to hang out with me. We definitely connect on a certain level. He's not in tune with his emotions but I'll sit down and talk to him about that stuff. He told me he likes that I'm like that. I'm a compassionate person. So a month later, we help each other pack and move out of our dorms. It's late now and I have a 3 hr drive home while he only has an hour drive home. He told me he's looking out for me and that I can stay a night. I called my parents and they said it's ok because they don't want me driving at night. He told me, "I'm only looking out for you." I said "Fine" The next day I go to lunch with his family and leave to go home after. Our goodbye wasn't sweet, it was, "It's been real" "Yeah, thanks bud.." and a kiss goodbye. He texted me that night asking if I got home ok. I ignored it because I needed to distance myself from him. He texted me again. And I replied. We went two weeks without seeing each other but I'd hear from him every night like I did when we started talking.

 

He would tell me he misses me and that he wants to see me. He started acting all silly and complimenting me. He wanted me to come visit him and I agreed because I miss being around him. When I visited him we had a great time and I hung out with his sister. She mentioned the trip she went on and then she talked about going to Florida and my fwb was like, "(my name), you can come." I put it aside because I don't know if he was serious. When I left to go back home the next day, he said, "Let's not wait this long to see each other again." I said ok. (It was 2.5 weeks since I last saw him.) We'd talk through the week and he called me the next weekend saying, "I wanna visit you" I was like "You wanna visit me?!?!" He's like yeah. So when he visited we hung out with my family and played crochet with my sister who's 12. We laughed about a lot of stuff and he loves my cat who has extra thumbs haha. We were cuddling and he told me I make him really happy. I said ok and kissed him. When he's with me he's smiling and laughing. Would a guy fake happiness to be with a girl? I had such a great time with him and he told me, "This is what's been missing in my life".

 

Through the next week he's like "Soo when are you gonna see me?" "What time are you coming over on Friday?" And I'm like, "I can't! My uncle is coming to visit." And "he's like that makes me sad." "Surprise me" he said. So he kept asking and I said no but Friday came along I was like, 'If I leave now I can get to your house by 4:30 if that's ok with you' and he said 'thats more than ok with me. Thanks' So I got to his house and he was so happy to see me. He said when he got my message that it cheered him up. When he kissed me it was pretty passionate. We also had sex he's literally so happy. "He's like, so what do you think we are right now?" and I said, "Oh, um it's complicated." He says "Do you think we're good friends who have fun?" I said, "Yeah. It's cool." He says, "I think I care more about you that way." And I said ok. He also mentioned having freedom too. Not sure what context that was in, like freedom to do other girls or freedom like living his own life while I'm living mine back home. He put it as I'm a person he enjoys hanging out with and having fun with.

 

He also played the "We Don't Have To Take Our Clothes Off" and I laughed haha. He wanted to cuddle again but me be the big spoon. He then says, "Ughhh I like you" I said, "I like you too." We watched South Park and he cuddled up to me. His breathing got heavier and I asked if he was ok and he said yeah. He kissed me and laced his hand in mine. We ended up having sex again and something felt so different. He actually hasn't been this affectionate like ever, I'm surprised by his actions and I've always told him, "actions speak louder than words." Anyway, we're having sex and I thought it was passionate considering he's putting my needs first and then himself which he never did before.. So we're having sex and he says, "I love you you're so sexy." and he says that twice. I've been told to not believe what a guy says in bed but his actions are so different.I didn't say anything back. Um, in the morning when we did it (this is TMI and I'm on the pill.) He well you know inside of me but he asked and I was like uhhh and didn't say anything. I honestly believe I heard him say, "I wanna have a baby." because he did it anyway. I'm taking my pill religiously so I'm not worried about it.

 

But what the hell is all this?? Do guys fake happiness to get sex? I don't know what this is but I'm just happy to spend time with him, be his friend and have fun with him. Do you think his feelings could be deeper? Sorry for the length, thanks for the input!

Edited June 14, 2016 by Eel751

[smackie9]

Sounds to me he finally got some closure with his ex and wants to move forward with you. There are no guarantees in life, especially when it come to relationships. He could be all in now, and 2 months later wanting out....those are the chances you have to take.

[4x4storm]

I'll admit after reading it twice even i'm a little confused . The heavy breathing sure does stand out to me for me I only do that around girls who I truly like.

[pteromom]

But what the hell is all this?? Do guys fake happiness to get sex?

 

I don't believe he is FAKING happiness. He probably is happy. It feels NICE to cuddle someone and have good sex and be around someone who makes you feel good.

 

But... does that mean he is looking for something more than he said he was looking for? Only HE knows the answer to that one. And the only way to find out is to ask him.

 

Do you think his feelings could be deeper?

 

Maybe. Or maybe he is just enjoying the good feelings of being with someone.

 

One thing is for sure though - if he is not committed to you, DO NOT allow him to have sex with you without a condom. No matter if you are on the pill or not. You don't know who else he is sleeping with and what diseases they may be carrying.

 

Commitment or condoms. His choice, period! Don't let some guy use heavy breathing and sappy words to ruin your life.

[Eel751]

Ok so I looked at his Facebook and it just says single. He didn't have it as anything before even when we were together. So wtf does that mean he's looking for someone? Why doesn't he choose me? He tells me he really likes me and I make him happy. I think I should still ask him how he really feels. I think I should also tell him, "The way you're acting and what you're actions confuses me." I was playing with my hair tie on FaceTime and he's like, "oh you left one of those at my house." And I'm like, "You sure? I don't think I had one on my wrist." I asked where he found it and he said by his couch. I did sit there but I don't think I had one on. This made me wonder if he's hooking up with anyone else because he said he's pretty sure it's not his sister's. It's so confusing. Also we just face timed at night. He got back from his softball game and no one in his house was home so he decided to call me. He ate dinner in front of me haha we talked and joked around. Of course then he get horny af. His mom came in his room but idk if she saw anything. That's awkward lol.

Edited June 15, 2016 by Eel751

[Eel751]

I forgot to add, he called me because he was alone in his house and he needed to talk to someone. His mom is with another man and not with his step father. This makes him angry and upset because he knows it's wrong but his step father is still in his life. He told me he doesn't know where his family goes at night. His younger sister wasn't home either. He said his mom cooked him dinner and left. He warmed up his dinner and ate it in front of me on FaceTime. He's like do you want to come over? It's a 1.5 hour drive away from me. I was thinking about it and he gets all excited and cute. We were talking and I was like, "why can't you live closer ughhhh" and he's like, "why can't you??" He's like, "You should come over." But then he was like, "only if you want to" I told him I want to but I can't. It breaks my heart that I can't be with him when he needs me.

 

I forgot to add in my original post, after he said he didn't want a labeled relationship, I wanted to break up with him. He cried and we both cried. He told me I fill a void for him and that he needs me. So I stayed with him. He's so broken and he needs a friend which I'm 100% here for him. It scares me so much because he could of called his step dad or even tried to get in contact with his sister but he chose to call me. I think that says a lot.

His love for me scares me. It scares me that he'll go off back to college and he'll find a girl he really likes and we'll lose our friendship. I asked my mom for motherly advice and she thinks the friends thing is BS and that we both are saying we're friends to cover up the fact that we do love each other. I was thinking again like, why would he advertise he's single if he's not ready to love again? He said he likes me and our feelings are mutual. That's all I know.

[joseb]

It's hard to know from all the conflicting things, but I would take him at his word that he just wants friends with benefits.

 

"He told me I fill a void for him and that he needs me."

 

Not sure how you feel about that, but tbh, if someone told me that, I'd be out of there. I find it a bit insulting.

 

The heavy breathing? Again, doesn't mean anything - I would do that with anyone I'm attracted to, short term, ONS, etc.

 

Based on the way he acts, I also wouldn't read too much into his 'love' comments.

 

I could be wrong, but that's my take. If you are happy with FWB, keep going.

 

If not, I'd suggest breaking up until he decides he is ready for a proper relationship, and if he wants that to be with you.

[Eel751]

It's hard to know from all the conflicting things, but I would take him at his word that he just wants friends with benefits.

 

"He told me I fill a void for him and that he needs me."

 

Not sure how you feel about that, but tbh, if someone told me that, I'd be out of there. I find it a bit insulting.

 

The heavy breathing? Again, doesn't mean anything - I would do that with anyone I'm attracted to, short term, ONS, etc.

 

Based on the way he acts, I also wouldn't read too much into his 'love' comments.

 

I could be wrong, but that's my take. If you are happy with FWB, keep going.

 

If not, I'd suggest breaking up until he decides he is ready for a proper relationship, and if he wants that to be with you.

 

Yeah I took offense to it.. It's annoying too because ever since I got a haircut 2 weeks ago, he's like your haircut is so cute, I love your hair. etc.

 

I had a dream he changed everything on his Facebook profile and started posting things and I thought it was weird because he never goes on Facebook. Then in my dream, he unfriended me and I was so upset. Probably doesn't mean anything.

 

I seriously have to talk to him and I would prefer to do it in person but he says he has to work this weekend. I can't take this anymore. I don't want it to ruin my summer. Should I talk to him on FaceTime? I'm scared of what he has to say. I'm gonna call him out on his ****ing ****.

 

I was thinking of stating how I feel first because if I ask him he'll say I wanna be friends or some ****.

 

Then I would say, "I don't understand, you said you want to be friends but you also told me I make you so happy and all these nice things. The way you've been acting lately is so different and it scares me because we want different things but you make me like you even more than I do now and then you just say "nope I wanna be friends." Were you looking for a different answer when you asked me, "What are we right now?" I have no idea but as of right now, you just need to know I really really like you and I appreciate how you've been treating me lately and I'm so happy to make you happy and be your friend when you need it. I just don't understand why your actions don't match up with what you've told me. This ****ing friends thing isn't gonna work if you are acting more than a friend so you better ****ing change whatever the **** we got going here or stop flirting with me. Maybe you don't even ****ing realize what you're doing but it's killing me. And on your part, it's making you a bad friend. I'm here for you as a friend ok but I also have feelings for you. Stop ****ing around with me, you're ruining our friendship here, you're making me not even want to be your friend. He's gonna get upset or maybe he'll tell the truth. Is that too harsh? Like he is going through a depression phase because his family is broken. He doesn't like his mom and I think that's why he needs me because I comfort him. His mom just leaves and does her own thing.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah I took offense to it.. It's annoying too because ever since I got a haircut 2 weeks ago, he's like your haircut is so cute, I love your hair. etc.

 

I had a dream he changed everything on his Facebook profile and started posting things and I thought it was weird because he never goes on Facebook. Then in my dream, he unfriended me and I was so upset. Probably doesn't mean anything.

 

I seriously have to talk to him and I would prefer to do it in person but he says he has to work this weekend. I can't take this anymore. I don't want it to ruin my summer. Should I talk to him on FaceTime? I'm scared of what he has to say. I'm gonna call him out on his ****ing ****.

 

I was thinking of stating how I feel first because if I ask him he'll say I wanna be friends or some ****.

 

Then I would say, "I don't understand, you said you want to be friends but you also told me I make you so happy and all these nice things. The way you've been acting lately is so different and it scares me because we want different things but you make me like you even more than I do now and then you just say "nope I wanna be friends." Were you looking for a different answer when you asked me, "What are we right now?" I have no idea but as of right now, you just need to know I really really like you and I appreciate how you've been treating me lately and I'm so happy to make you happy and be your friend when you need it. I just don't understand why your actions don't match up with what you've told me. This ****ing friends thing isn't gonna work if you are acting more than a friend so you better ****ing change whatever the **** we got going here or stop flirting with me. Maybe you don't even ****ing realize what you're doing but it's killing me. And on your part, it's making you a bad friend. I'm here for you as a friend ok but I also have feelings for you. Stop ****ing around with me, you're ruining our friendship here, you're making me not even want to be your friend. He's gonna get upset or maybe he'll tell the truth. Is that too harsh? Like he is going through a depression phase because his family is broken. He doesn't like his mom and I think that's why he needs me because I comfort him. His mom just leaves and does her own thing.

 

Yes. It's way too harsh and confrontational. Nix the swearing and accusations. It's a hostile stance. None of that will elicit a positive or open response.

 

I understand you are frustrated, but you also need to take accountability. You are continuing to participate even with the doubts and uncertainty you have. He isn't responsible for your actions.

 

Instead, explain to him how you feel. You can admit you are confused because he seems to like you as more than a friend at this point. If you don't want to be only FWB, say so. Ask him to share with you how he is feeling and if he wants anything more than FWB.

 

Be calm when you speak to him. Listen to what he has to say. Even if you don't like the response, there is no need to attack him. You can express your disappointment but there's no sense losing your mind. Thank him for his honesty and then cut ties, if he only reiterates that he just wants a FWB arrangement.

[pteromom]

Try this instead of the harshness:

 

"You confuse me. You tell me that you only want to be friends. But then you tell me you need me. I end up over-analyzing everything you say and do, because your words and actions don't match up. I need to know what we are. I need to know what you want from me, in clear plain language. And then once you tell me what you want, I need to to treat me only in that way. Because I can't keep doing this to myself."

[kendahke]

Ok so I looked at his Facebook and it just says single. He didn't have it as anything before even when we were together. So wtf does that mean he's looking for someone? Why doesn't he choose me?

 

 

That's not how FWB's work. If you're meaning "why doesn't he choose me as his girlfriend and call me/us that?", you've already agreed to no labels and his freedom, remember? If you need for him to leap that divide, you're going to have to tell him that you've changed your mind and that you want labels and want his freedom reined in a little. See what he says.

[kendahke]

Then I would say, "I don't understand, you said you want to be friends but you also told me I make you so happy and all these nice things. The way you've been acting lately is so different and it scares me because we want different things but you make me like you even more than I do now and then you just say "nope I wanna be friends." Were you looking for a different answer when you asked me, "What are we right now?" I have no idea but as of right now, you just need to know I really really like you and I appreciate how you've been treating me lately and I'm so happy to make you happy and be your friend when you need it. I just don't understand why your actions don't match up with what you've told me. This ****ing friends thing isn't gonna work if you are acting more than a friend so you better ****ing change whatever the **** we got going here or stop flirting with me. Maybe you don't even ****ing realize what you're doing but it's killing me. And on your part, it's making you a bad friend. I'm here for you as a friend ok but I also have feelings for you. Stop ****ing around with me, you're ruining our friendship here, you're making me not even want to be your friend. He's gonna get upset or maybe he'll tell the truth. Is that too harsh? Like he is going through a depression phase because his family is broken. He doesn't like his mom and I think that's why he needs me because I comfort him. His mom just leaves and does her own thing.

 

No need for a 'scorched earth policy'.

 

You can say "I'm glad that I make you so happy and you like being with me, but I'm really confused by what your definition of "liking being with me" means. This is what I want from you: (spell it out here). If you can do that, fantastic. If you can't or choose not to, then I think it's time we end this. This isn't what I want and I'd rather invest my focus and energy on someone who wants to be my man, who has no problem with being called "my man" or me "his woman" and is of the mind to invest his time and focus on me and our relationship".

 

That way, he doesn't feel attacked by "you" this and "you don't" that, you know? You may get a better result by not going into attack mode, even though his behavior has pushed you beyond your endurance.