Would you lend money to a partner (if you didnt know why)

June 15, 2016

Right!!! The money is just money but the detect turns out whole world on its head!
I am so so p!ssed at him.. ..and I am so so worried about him too!

Secrets are not okay with me.

There's no way he doesn't know that.

I like to wind people up, I've got a great poker face, he tries to get me back and he NEVER can, he just can't lie, especially not to me, I can read the boy like a book! But I can't read him now.. It leaves me feeling like we've lost something.. A connection that's always been there.. A bond.. I feel like I don't know if we're ever going to be able to get that back.

And I'm not just saying that out of principle! Saying that breaks my heart!

Yeah, it would mine too. I don't think this is something that you can back down from. You have a daughter to think of as well......for me he would need to come clean or we would part ways.

It's sad, I know but it's too risky to do anything else. I mean, wth?

June 15, 2016

Right!!! The money is just money but the detect turns out whole world on its head!
I am so so p!ssed at him.. ..and I am so so worried about him too!

Honestly I would completely reconsider this R if I were you, and I would let him know that. Either (1) he doesn't trust you, or (2) it's so bad that he's ashamed to let you know about it or afraid for your safety if you know. Either way, a gigantic red flag.

How much money did he even ask for?

How would you feel if his bro get killed because he didn'rt pay back some debts ?

It would be his fault because he refused to tell her that. And if he and his 'bro' are involved in underground shyt, even more shame on him for not coming clean. She has the right to know if she and her daughter are in danger.

if i were you I would give him the money , because anyway , you will know about it when it is the right time .

Like, you mean after being together long enough for him to trust her... say, 2 years? Oh, wait...

Edited June 15, 2016 by Elswyth

June 15, 2016

SO how would you feel if he was trying to help a bro , who took some money from bad ppl; or drug dealers , and he wants to protect you from any danger ?

Not great, lets be honest. I wouldn't want us mixed up in that kind of s***! But I would understand. He's always come through for me, and I would be there for him, whatever! But I can't understand being kept in the dark! He thinks he's protecting me but he's not protecting me from anything, I feel like there is nothing he could say at this point that would be worse than the scenarios I'm imagine in my head. I can't just get on with my life like nothings happening!

I know he wouldn't do this if he thought he had another option. Id rather be worrying about whatever it is that's going on, than worrying about a million and one things that might be what's going on!

How would you feel if his bro get killed because he didn'rt pay back some debts ?

Obviously absolutely horrendous! Without question in that god forbidden scenario I would feel 100% guilty and awful!

But if that was the truth, of course I would help, if he'd only be honest with me!!!

The cloak and dagger makes f*** all sense!

Yeah, it would mine too. I don't think this is something that you can back down from. You have a daughter to think of as well......for me he would need to come clean or we would part ways.
It's sad, I know but it's too risky to do anything else. I mean, wth?

Exactly! My son, but yeah! Like I say my son's autistic, and its his birthday in a few weeks and he's starting school full time in September, its a big few months for him. The last thing in the whole world that I want to do is to break up his home, and take his 'dad' away from him, or his 'aunts' and 'uncles'. My boyfriend and his family are my sons (and mine) closest support system, my family live on the other side of the world.

But I can't pretend, I can't live a lie, I can't be with someone I can't trust to be 100% honest with me.. he is, or was, the greatest role model for my son, but not if he's going to be shady like this!

I just feel like.. last week we were fine, and I've no idea whats gone wrong. That's whats so frustrating!

June 15, 2016

I think you should just calmly sit him down. Tell him you want to help him but his behaviour is making you worried and you want to trust him but you need some answers.

How much money are we talking here?

I have a rule.

Never lend what you can not afford to give.

June 15, 2016

I think Timshel got it right at her post #20.

I would not lend the money in this situation. I would probably give the money if what was asked was an amount I was willing to walk away from. But from your comments, it seems like it is more than that. I also would suspect that the 'money back in a week' prediction will somehow hit a snag and you won't see it again.

One more reason he might not be telling you (that I haven't seen mentioned) is that he does not want the information shared and thinks (knows) you would not be able to help yourself from discussing it with others. He can still love you but perhaps know you well enough that he thinks you can't keep a juicy secret. I don't mean to offend, but your posts give me that impression. Even before he asked about the money and was just acting strangely, you were involving lots of people in your investigation. You are also posting the whole drama on a public message board. I don't think he can trust you to keep some things quiet. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

That said, the whole thing seems shady.

June 15, 2016

Not great, lets be honest. I wouldn't want us mixed up in that kind of s***! But I would understand. He's always come through for me, and I would be there for him, whatever! But I can't understand being kept in the dark! He thinks he's protecting me but he's not protecting me from anything, I feel like there is nothing he could say at this point that would be worse than the scenarios I'm imagine in my head. I can't just get on with my life like nothings happening!
I know he wouldn't do this if he thought he had another option. Id rather be worrying about whatever it is that's going on, than worrying about a million and one things that might be what's going on!

Obviously absolutely horrendous! Without question in that god forbidden scenario I would feel 100% guilty and awful!
But if that was the truth, of course I would help, if he'd only be honest with me!!!
The cloak and dagger makes f*** all sense!

Exactly! My son, but yeah! Like I say my son's autistic, and its his birthday in a few weeks and he's starting school full time in September, its a big few months for him. The last thing in the whole world that I want to do is to break up his home, and take his 'dad' away from him, or his 'aunts' and 'uncles'. My boyfriend and his family are my sons (and mine) closest support system, my family live on the other side of the world.
But I can't pretend, I can't live a lie, I can't be with someone I can't trust to be 100% honest with me.. he is, or was, the greatest role model for my son, but not if he's going to be shady like this!

I just feel like.. last week we were fine, and I've no idea whats gone wrong. That's whats so frustrating!

Oops, son...apologize. I am feeling really bad for you, this situation is strange and really sucks. My son has Asperger's so I get you.

Unfortunately, he's leaving you little choice. You and your son cannot build a lifetime with a dude who has this kind of whacky, secretive shenaningans going on. At least he could tell you and give you the choice of either walking away or standing by him. He is leaving your mind to ponder all kind of horrible scenarios...it's almost cruel after such a great connection.

I can only think if he and his family are digging their heels in this hard it must be something really bad...what else could a reasonable person think?

Take care of yourself and son. Let time reveal the path I guess....I hope for you and your son's sake this all ends up being nothing horrible.

Hug

June 15, 2016

Honestly I would completely reconsider this R if I were you, and I would let him know that. Either (1) he doesn't trust you, or (2) it's so bad that he's ashamed to let you know about it or afraid for your safety if you know. Either way, a gigantic red flag.

Yeah I'm going to let fly! I'm just so mad! I can't pretend that i'm cool!

It's not even the money or whatevers going on its that he is putting our relationship on the line. I don't know how we recover from this and over what? Over his stupidity!! He should of just been straight with me

How much money did he even ask for?

A few grand, short term.

I have it, if he had a genuine reason, it'd be his.

June 15, 2016

If whatever he's into here is so serious that you'd be in 'danger' if he told you and you need his 'protection,' then he shouldn't be involving you at all. Then you wouldn't need any 'protection' from 'danger.' So there's that. Either it's not actually that dangerous or he's being reckless with your well-being.

Why doesn't he have his own money to do these deals with?

June 15, 2016

I think you should just calmly sit him down. Tell him you want to help him but his behaviour is making you worried and you want to trust him but you need some answers.

Yeah. Literally at this point I'm stewing on it and I'm ready to blow my lid, but id like to just talk to him calmly.

Never lend what you can not afford to give.

I could afford it. I wouldn't be broke.

One more reason he might not be telling you (that I haven't seen mentioned) is that he does not want the information shared and thinks (knows) you would not be able to help yourself from discussing it with others.

I normally keep a good secret, a damn site better than he does! I say "don't say anything but.." and its like he gets a compulsive need to put his foot in it! It all just comes tumbling out of his mouth!

Normally.

Its honestly like he's had a personality transplant. He always asks for my opinion. He jokes like 'what would he do with out me' or that 'you always have to be right don't ya'. It makes no sense he wouldn't want my advice on whatever this is!

June 15, 2016

On a lighter note.....the only non shady explanation for this....he wants to buy the ring and seal the deal but it was a smidge above his price point.

This could explain everyone's sealed lips. Also, I admit that it is a crazy idea and barely plausible but I have definitely heard of kookier things.

Agree with Toodles....make a nice meal, have a glass of wine if it calms you and relaxed yet productive conversation. No need to drag this out.

June 15, 2016

A few grand is not an insignificant amount, especially when you do not know what it is for and do not know the risks associated.

He obviously cannot source the money from any where else so how is he going to pay you back if he then loses it?

i don't know why he can't tell you what it is for, but I am certain you wouldn't want to lend it if you did know.

Is there an ex lurking around here maybe?

There is no way I would lend money blindly to anyone.

June 15, 2016

Oops, son...apologize. I am feeling really bad for you, this situation is strange and really sucks. My son has Asperger's so I get you.

Unfortunately, he's leaving you little choice. You and your son cannot build a lifetime with a dude who has this kind of whacky, secretive shenaningans going on. At least he could tell you and give you the choice of either walking away or standing by him. He is leaving your mind to ponder all kind of horrible scenarios...it's almost cruel after such a great connection.

Thank you. It does!

Ah does he? My son's fantastic, I wouldn't change him for the world, but sometimes it is hard. Especially being a single mum. But since being with my bf I feel like we're a family, and like we'll get through anything and it'll turn out alright.

Everyone thinks I wear the trousers and i'm high maintenance and whatever. But he's got this like real easy going, strength.. I feel calmer because I'm with him.. I feel like he just gets me like no one else and we just fit you know. I didn't think i'd ever need anybody but now I feel like I don't even know hoe to be me without him, we're just better together.

I can't comprehend that this is where we are at. This is the guy that embarrassed me my asking some stranger if he could pick me a flower from there garden, that takes my son swimming every morning before work, and then comes in from work to play with him for hours, the guy that regularly writes me notes or inside jokes on post-it notes and leaves them round the house for me, that got up in the night to bottlefeed orphaned baby hedgehogs we found.

That's my boyfriend! Clumsy, excitable, kind, friendly, brave, generous, funny, and quietly self-assured. Not this closed off, shady, desperate guy that came asking me for cash..

I can only think if he and his family are digging their heels in this hard it must be something really bad...what else could a reasonable person think?

Right! There's no good scenario is there!?

Take care of yourself and son. Let time reveal the path I guess....I hope for you and your son's sake this all ends up being nothing horrible.
Hug

Thank you!!

June 15, 2016

On a lighter note.....the only non shady explanation for this....he wants to buy the ring and seal the deal but it was a smidge above his price point.
This could explain everyone's sealed lips. Also, I admit that it is a crazy idea and barely plausible but I have definitely heard of kookier things.

Agree with Toodles....make a nice meal, have a glass of wine if it calms you and relaxed yet productive conversation. No need to drag this out.

Well... he wouldn't be getting the answer he want at the moment i'll tell you that!

I did kind of think he was going to do it soonish but nah he wouldn't do it like this. He would never be materialistic enough to spend that kind of money, and he wouldn't be able to hide it.

June 15, 2016

He obviously cannot source the money from any where else so how is he going to pay you back if he then loses it?

No I think if they're getting money together I was obviously like a last resort.

Is there an ex lurking around here maybe?

Nah

June 16, 2016

He asks my opinion on everything.. He asks my shirt to wear, on what job to take, big or small! Why would he keep me out the loop now!
...It doesn't make sense

What about his family's opinion? Is he easily lead by them too?

June 19, 2016

So I had it out with him..

It was okay, I guess. He did tell me what was going on. I did get a bit upset which I'm annoyed about because I didn't want to be like that. I think that really threw him as well, I think he was like "oh s***"!

I get why he wanted the cash, I didn't agree with the way they wanted to deal with the problem, I'm sure he knew I wouldn't, hence not telling me initially. But I understand. He was trying to help his family, that I can understand.

I can't understand why he didn't tell me though.

It's just hard. It's hard because i'm not someone who finds it easy to be really open with people or trust people. But theres always been something about him that's made it so easy, right from the start. He's really open, and honest to a fault and that's always like been contagious for me.

He just gets me like no one else ever has, and I believed that I got him too, I've always felt like it was us against the world, united, a team.

The fact that he's refuse to tell me something major going on in his life kind of blows that out of the water!

I don't want to walk away. But I do worry that this has hurt us more than he even realises..... its like can something that's broken and glued back together ever be as strong as it was before?

Its f**king stupid because it was totally needless! We we're good. Sure I wouldn't of been happy if he'd told me, I would of told them not to do what they were planning. BUT we'd of been okay. Now I feel like in helping them (which isn't terrible in itself) he's completely jeopardised 'us', and I hate feeling like he would EVER jeopardise us! That makes me feel really insecure in our relationship.

Its the not telling me that's the problem. He would be the first person I would tell anything to! I never ever asked him to "protect" me from sh*t, I don't want to be "protected", I want him to be honest with me.

I dunno.

June 19, 2016

What about his family's opinion? Is he easily lead by them too?

He isn't easily led. I'd say he's his own man and led a very independent life.

I'm just always right ...and after reflection he realises this

Seriously, I think its just the nature of our relationship, I think he values my opinion ...I value his!

June 19, 2016

I've always felt like it was us against the world, united, a team.

The fact that he's refuse to tell me something major going on in his life kind of blows that out of the water!.
Now I feel like in helping them (which isn't terrible in itself) he's completely jeopardised 'us', and I hate feeling like he would EVER jeopardise us!

Not a good feeling.

June 19, 2016

So I had it out with him..
It was okay, I guess. He did tell me what was going on. I did get a bit upset which I'm annoyed about because I didn't want to be like that. I think that really threw him as well, I think he was like "oh s***"!

I get why he wanted the cash, I didn't agree with the way they wanted to deal with the problem, I'm sure he knew I wouldn't, hence not telling me initially. But I understand. He was trying to help his family, that I can understand.

I can't understand why he didn't tell me though.
It's just hard. It's hard because i'm not someone who finds it easy to be really open with people or trust people. But theres always been something about him that's made it so easy, right from the start. He's really open, and honest to a fault and that's always like been contagious for me.
He just gets me like no one else ever has, and I believed that I got him too, I've always felt like it was us against the world, united, a team.

The fact that he's refuse to tell me something major going on in his life kind of blows that out of the water!
I don't want to walk away. But I do worry that this has hurt us more than he even realises..... its like can something that's broken and glued back together ever be as strong as it was before?

Its f**king stupid because it was totally needless! We we're good. Sure I wouldn't of been happy if he'd told me, I would of told them not to do what they were planning. BUT we'd of been okay. Now I feel like in helping them (which isn't terrible in itself) he's completely jeopardised 'us', and I hate feeling like he would EVER jeopardise us! That makes me feel really insecure in our relationship.
Its the not telling me that's the problem. He would be the first person I would tell anything to! I never ever asked him to "protect" me from sh*t, I don't want to be "protected", I want him to be honest with me.

I dunno.

Hi Olly

It sounds like if he had told you the situation upfront, you would have been irritated...perhaps slightly disgusted but....you could deal with it and would have moved forward.

It's too bad he made that choice and it seems as though it came from a place afraid of disappointing/losing you.

If the 'secret' is something you can handle, I guess I would make this a learning experience for both of you (particularly him.)

These are the kind of situations that make a relationship stronger or tear it apart.

He needs to be reminded that you are united and a team, that the future of your relationship depends on his trust/belief in this.

He also needs to know that the choice he made to keep a secret from you has jeopardized the integrity of your relationship.

He made a mistake...I'm glad he finally came clean.

It's your call, if your relationship has been as good as you say then maybe this can be fixed. He just really needs to wrap his mind around how destructive and troubling his actions were for you and inadvertently...your son.

June 19, 2016

My guess is he needs the money for someone in his *family* who is in trouble. Perhaps with the law.... just a guess though.

In any event, if you *lend* it to him, forget about ever seeing that money again.

BTW, how does he know you even have that kind of money to *lend*?

Are you well off financially?

How much was he asking for?

June 19, 2016

My guess is he needs the money for someone in his *family* who is in trouble. Perhaps with the law.... just a guess though.

In any event, if you *lend* it to him, forget about ever seeing that money again.

BTW, how does he know you even have that kind of money to *lend*?

Are you well off financially?

How much was he asking for?

Oops just read the update!

June 19, 2016

Hm are you sure he told you the truth? Because my guess is that they had a story ready for you in case you asked too many questions.

The thing is, a lot of shady stuff happens to people that go through the care system, that's why many of them end up incarcerated at one point or another. No responsible adults in their lives. I'm sure he is ok but I bet some of his mates aren't.

June 19, 2016

Not a good feeling.

Not at all!

It sounds like if he had told you the situation upfront, you would have been irritated...perhaps slightly disgusted but....you could deal with it and would have moved forward.

This is literally it! I wouldn't of been happy.. but I wouldn't be questioning our relationship.

It's too bad he made that choice and it seems as though it came from a place afraid of disappointing/losing you.

Yeah, I just don't understand what he was thinking! Like this has never been our dynamic, him "protecting" me, keeping things from me to impress me, whatever. We've been great up till now, I cant understand what happened in his head that made him decide to do a 180 and act like this.

If the 'secret' is something you can handle, I guess I would make this a learning experience for both of you (particularly him.)
He also needs to know that the choice he made to keep a secret from you has jeopardized the integrity of your relationship.

He is upset to be fair. I think he was like really upset, that I got upset, because honestly I hardly ever cry, I didn't mean to get emotional then but it just got to me a bit. I think he's only ever seen my cry once before in our whole relationship so I think he was a bit like "oh s***, I've screwed up here".

Which is all well and good. I'm just finding it hard. Like I say I do find it hard to let people in anyway...

I felt really really secure with him, and I feel like a lot of that security has vanished, practically overnight, and that's really hard.

He made a mistake...I'm glad he finally came clean.

Right, and everyone makes mistakes don't they, and I know maybe I do expect a lot of people sometimes....but it's always felt pretty effortless between us until now.

It's your call, if your relationship has been as good as you say then maybe this can be fixed. He just really needs to wrap his mind around how destructive and troubling his actions were for you and inadvertently...your son.

Right and it has been good and I don't want to walk away. But you're completely right if he's with me he needs to be completely with me, and me & Drew need to be his number 1 priority, above everyone else!

Maybe if I didn't have my son I could potentially be more flexible but that isn't the case, we are a package deal and my son needs stability and someone who is going to stay in his life, not jeopardise is involvement so stupidly

June 19, 2016

BTW, how does he know you even have that kind of money to *lend*?

Are you well off financially?

I'm not rolling in money but I own my own business and I'm comfortable, we live together so we know what each others finances are like

Hm are you sure he told you the truth? Because my guess is that they had a story ready for you in case you asked too many questions.

Yeah I think so.. like I say I like never get upset and I think he was really thrown by that, and he was upset. Plus he's never lied to me before, he didn't lie as such when he asked for the money just preached a load of BS about not being able to tell me.

Plus what he's saying sounds like the truth.

The thing is, a lot of shady stuff happens to people that go through the care system, that's why many of them end up incarcerated at one point or another. No responsible adults in their lives. I'm sure he is ok but I bet some of his mates aren't.

No I know. We had different upbringings. But we do share a pretty similar moral compass. He does have a couple of mates who are no angels but that's his past, i'm not worried about that, he's a solid guy and I know people that aren't angels too..

June 20, 2016

Well I certainly hope you're not supporting him.

Any 24 year old 'man' who wants to borrow thousands of dollars from a single mom - and that's what you ARE - isn't very mature or responsible.

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Would you lend money to a partner (if you didnt know why)

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