Guy let's me down after attack on streets? >:(

[GunslingerRoland]

But wouldn't you expect that a friend w/o benefits would be concerned? Why have lower standards just bc you're having sex w them?

 

Personally I think if you are on the level of caring of someone as a real friend, you shouldn't be FWB with them.

[katiegrl]

You're not dating him, you're not his girlfriend, the two of you left separately, he didn't even walk you home after the two of you went out...so I'm not sure why you are expecting him to step up in this situation.

 

To be honest I'm not sure why you are angry at him or what you expected him to do. Or why you think he "left you"? The two of you had already parted ways for the night and he isn't your boyfriend or even a guy you are dating. Just because he was out with you earlier doesn't make him responsible for your well being for the entire night. If you wanted comfort, you should've called a girl friend.

 

I missed this^^ earlier but this makes sense...

 

Unless I was in a loving, caring committed RL with a guy, I would not have called him first.

 

I would have called 911 FIRST, they would have taken me to the hospital where the police would have been contacted to get a report.

 

THEN I would have called a good female friend or someone in my family (if I didn't have a boyfriend).

 

I certainly would not have called an FWB who I hook up with occasionally and expected him to comfort me.

 

Not that I would ever engage in a situation like that anyway (not judging those who do). But an FWB would be the last person I would call.

 

Hell I might not even mention it when and if we got together again either...

 

If I had bruises and he asked where I got them I would tell him. But I would not have offered the information ...

 

Just me.

Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[grays]

Personally I think if you are on the level of caring of someone as a real friend, you shouldn't be FWB with them.

 

Well, I'm sure there's whole threads about this elsewhere... but I find it confusing that it's standard to not feel like your FWB are friends. I think I tend to call those people I sleep with who are not even friends, i.e., really nothing more than a physical thing, a booty call. I wouldnt think of them as FWB unless we were friends.

[Vicky876]

Okay....that may have been a bit much hun.... in his eyes....trying too hard to convince him it happened.... furthering his cause in believing it was a shyt test.

 

 

Idk, it was an impulse, not a selfie, of course not, but just the purse. I didn't have any physical damage, the police came to my house within 20 minutes.

 

I was panicked, I just impulsively called the last person I knew and had seen, knowing he was still awake and could be there in a matter of minutes. It wasn't because I wanted to know he cared or play the 'damsel in distress', I just really needed a shoulder to keep myself stable, to tell someone what happened and feel safe. Because he was the last person, he was the first that came to mind. Not my parents, not the police, not my friends, because I knew they were sleeping, because I knew they wouldn't be able to be there. It was an impulse in a shock-condition.

 

In my mind I'm also thought: 'well, if this or that happens, I would do such and such', now I know far to well that if you get assaulted so unexpectedly, you're just startled, you have know clue and just act on instincts.

 

He and I belong to the same friends' group, having mutual friends. That's how we met, through mutual friends. We occassionally hang out. It's mainly an incredible disappointment that he didn't have the decency. It makes me feel objectified and undervalued. I'm sitting here at home, like: really? Is he serious?

 

When I'm in a FWB-kinda thing, which I think is a bit an overstatement in this case (3 times in 6 months), there was a major physical attraction (was, was, was, was, was). I always plead for mutual respect on mutual agreement. I wouldn't be able to keep it strictly platonic.

[Vicky876]

to put it bluntly: would you put up with this sort of callousness from a friend? From even a casual friend? No, you wouldn't. Then why would you put up with this from a man with whom you've been intimate. And - you were on a date with him that night. Honestly, I always believe that if I am out at night with a woman on a date or even as friends, she's in my care until she makes it safely home. Doesn't mean I always take her home because that's not always practical but I damn sure she makes it home and is okay.

 

Call me old fashioned.

 

Ab-so-lut-ly right. I wouldn't have put up with it and I'd immediately drop him or her. I think I made a major mistake thinking there was a mutual attraction/interest with the guy and that my feelings were sorth of the same as his. I'm like: 'wait, but.. what!? He liked me, didn't he? We were on the same page, weren't we? And now, but how could he then? How come I didn't see this coming? Do I have such poor judgement?

[Vicky876]

@Katiegrl, I will look for counseling. I also think that all these questions concerning this guy is a bit the 'aftershock'. Couldn't have felt more alone that night.

 

Thing is, Idk if you guys recognize this: I'm like: f**ing hell, again a guy who is so ignorant and passive. It's like the third guy I met that is completely not interested in me personally. Last year I dated two guys who were at the end only interested in the physical stuff and nothing serious. The first guy was a good, if not, one of my best friends for 4yrs, we slept together 4 times and it's never been the same since. He just ignored me basically afterwards. Then a guy I dated last year, we were getting kind of serious, but it was still not really in the definition-phase. I got it rough due to personal circumstances at one point, but he just was in no intention to support me. And now, this guy, not really dating, but the attraction is/was there.

 

Idk if it's my poor judgement or weird taste of *sholes, but it nearly seems as if I'm in this loophole, meeting guys that make me feel nothing more than an object. I'm trying to figure out what that means.

[elaine567]

When you need help, you realize who your real friends are.

He may be someone you slept with, he may be part of your friend group but he has shown he is not your friend.

 

His interest in you is probably only as a sex partner nothing more nothing less.

YOU could be an escort or a prostitute for all he cares, that is how some men treat fwbs, like a free sex service.

He maybe was expecting a bit more from your "date" so was already peeved when he went home alone.

 

Whatever the reason, most would expect some sort of caring behaviour after being attacked, even from a complete stranger, so he is NOT the man for you.

My guess is that if you are attracting this type of man, you are too nice, you are letting them get away with crossing your boundaries and so they take advantage.

YOU do not value yourself enough, so they choose you and you just go along with it, until they show their true colours.

YOU need to be looking for red flags and adopting a zero tolerance policy.

[Gaeta]

Idk if it's my poor judgement or weird taste of *sholes, but it nearly seems as if I'm in this loophole, meeting guys that make me feel nothing more than an object. I'm trying to figure out what that means.

 

Yes it's poor judgement to expect support from a man you had sex with 3 times in 6 months. You should have realized way before 6 months he is not interested in you. You had all of those bad experiences because you close your eyes to red flags. If you dumped these men at their first big offense you would not have stories of men taking advantage of you over months.

 

You are next to nothing to him. You should have seen this months ago.

[BaileyB]

Any caring person would have responded to you immediately, regardless of any circumstance. He just showed you who he was and how much he cares/respects you - believe him. I wouldn't give him the time of day after this...

[stillafool]

Maybe this guy thought you were just informing him of what happened to you and since you aren't his gf he probably thought you were going to call your loved ones for support. Did you call your relatives for support?

[katiegrl]

Vicki, after the attack, how did you get home after that?? It was 2:00 am.

 

JMO, but I cannot believe this bozo allowed you to walk home alone at 2:00 am in the morning.

 

That right there shows he didn't care..... big time.

 

Was anything stolen? You you still had your purse and phone ... God, how scary!

 

I am glad you are okay though and glad you are gonna seek counseling. My guess is you were in shock immediately after it happened. You still may even be in shock.

 

Sometimes the full affect of traumatic events such as this hit us later -PTSD. Been there done that.

 

Please don't give this a-hat any more of your energy. Use that energy to take care of you, get whatever help you need, and take steps to move forward.

 

Lesson learned.

 

No more walking home alone late at night and early morn, and choose men more wisely from the get go.

 

Pay attention to early warning signs like Gaeta said, and if you see them, get rid.

 

Take care hun, and again hope you feel better soon.

 

Forget about him, take care of YOU!!

Edited June 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[todreaminblue]

whether or not he was scared to say the wrong thing or not...i feel it shows a real immaturity on his behalf.....yes age could be a factor..and that would be a no go for me.....it shows a lack of compassion and caring.....another flag for me.....that he didnt call in the morning and see how you were faring...next.....find someone who shows care towards you..it doesnt sound too serious between you and him...and i think he is fine with that...but you arent are you?......dont waste time with time wasters you really deserve better than that...........best wishes...deb

[Vicky876]

@stillafool Indeed, is possible as well. There are multiple options of course. I think basically he didn't understand what to do or how to respond. Immaturity, I reckon and lack of empathy.

Edited June 15, 2016 by Vicky876
Forgot to quote

[katiegrl]

@stillafool Indeed, is possible as well. There are multiple options of course. I think basically he didn't understand what to do or how to respond. Immaturity, I reckon and lack of empathy.

 

I still think it is what I said earlier, or a possibility.

 

Same thing happened to the brother of one of the victims of the Orlando shooting.

 

While victim was trapped in bathroom stall, he was texting his brother telling him what was happening, shooter was outside stall, that he was gonna die and that he loved him.

 

Brother's response? LMFAO...... he didn't believe him!!! Several times!

 

His brother died.

 

I don't know if people are scared, don't want to believe, or don't trust, or just immature, who knows.

 

Vicki, has he contacted you at all?

Edited June 15, 2016 by katiegrl

[GunslingerRoland]

Well, I'm sure there's whole threads about this elsewhere... but I find it confusing that it's standard to not feel like your FWB are friends. I think I tend to call those people I sleep with who are not even friends, i.e., really nothing more than a physical thing, a booty call. I wouldnt think of them as FWB unless we were friends.

 

I don't want to get too far off topic, but in the many threads I've read on here about FWB, I'd say very few of them have a real underlying friendship at their base. I think the majority just use it as a more civilized term for f-buddies.

[Gaeta]

Previous thread by OP is very revealing.

 

However, I've never had the nerve to actually ask him out or texting him casually. We mainly meet by coincidence going out and being slightly drunk and ending up talking a lot and then sleeping together

 

She is infatuated with him, he does not care if she exists or not. They don't keep in touch, they slept 3 times together by coincidence.

 

This is not a man unable to offer comfort, he's a man that does not give a heck.

[Vicky876]

@katiegrl, I ran the way home from there. The attacker pushed me against the wall and wanted all my money. I didn't have any money on me, I said I hadn't. But then he grabbed my purse which hung accross my shoulder and started pulling aggressively. The belt broke and the purse fell on the ground and everything, phone, make-up to housekeys laid spread out on the ground, he didn't see a wallet I guess and then ran off. I started picking up the (most valuable) things and then I heard someone yelling from out of a building or something: 'get the **** outta there', then I started running. Nothing was stolen. I've been quite lucky.

 

I'm still a bit in shock, I know. I keep rationalising it, playing back and forth the entire happening. This thing with this guy might even be a part of the shock. The main emotion I'm feeling right now is anger, which is logical because I felt so powerless then. In some way I might be projecting a lot of anger towards this guy... I just thought like: oooh I really want to spit him in the eye and tell him what a little immature, frightened pr*k he is, etc. etc. It's so irrational and would - of course - not help a bit.

 

I just never felt so alone in my life, defenseless, if he was armed or wanted to rape me or anything, I would have bled to death on the streets there all by myself. The thought of it alone makes me - justly or unjustly - so angry at him for not calling back or showing any concern.

 

A lot of emotions going on yea. :S I really should leave it and ditch the guy. It just feels so damn f* up that I thought more of him, fell into my own traps / dreams again.

[katiegrl]

@katiegrl, I ran the way home from there. The attacker pushed me against the wall and wanted all my money. I didn't have any money on me, I said I hadn't. But then he grabbed my purse which hung accross my shoulder and started pulling aggressively. The belt broke and the purse fell on the ground and everything, phone, make-up to housekeys laid spread out on the ground, he didn't see a wallet I guess and then ran off. I started picking up the (most valuable) things and then I heard someone yelling from out of a building or something: 'get the **** outta there', then I started running. Nothing was stolen. I've been quite lucky.

 

I'm still a bit in shock, I know. I keep rationalising it, playing back and forth the entire happening. This thing with this guy might even be a part of the shock. The main emotion I'm feeling right now is anger, which is logical because I felt so powerless then. In some way I might be projecting a lot of anger towards this guy... I just thought like: oooh I really want to spit him in the eye and tell him what a little immature, frightened pr*k he is, etc. etc. It's so irrational and would - of course - not help a bit.

 

I just never felt so alone in my life, defenseless, if he was armed or wanted to rape me or anything, I would have bled to death on the streets there all by myself. The thought of it alone makes me - justly or unjustly - so angry at him for not calling back or showing any concern.

 

A lot of emotions going on yea. :S I really should leave it and ditch the guy. It just feels so damn f* up that I thought more of him, fell into my own traps / dreams again.

 

I know the truth can be harsh. Again I am so glad you are okay, but things happen for a reason.

 

You would never have acknowledged this jerk didn't care had this not happened.

 

Now that you know, you can move on. Block delete next.

 

Never walk home alone in early morn hours again..... you could have been killed.

 

Lots of lessons here...

[Vicky876]

We had a small chat on monday, he asked where it all happened. And later in the afternoon we had a short chat, not about what happened.

 

I definitely might have been infatuated, but nevertheless I think it's a principle to make sure whether it's a colleague, vague acquaintance, a girl you just met or a FWB to make sure they're allright. Whether I was big, fat and the most annoying or ugly girl in the world, whether the guy is sexually interested or not, he should just make sure someone's allright after such an attack. I think it very selfcentered, really.

 

As I said, I wasn't being the damsel in distress or exaggerating at all about what happened.

 

I know some state that I can't expect this from a 'FWB' kind a guy, but for f* sake, we are both human beings as well, and this was defo a matter of humanity and what is civilized to do.

[GunslingerRoland]

I think it's horrible that you had to go through that. But while in theory it would be great if it was safe for a woman to walk the streets at 2 am, we all know this isn't the case.

 

 

Again I agree with others that if your fwb had any sort of class he would make sure you got home safe, but even if that isn't the case, shouldn't you take it upon yourself to try to find a taxi, or an uber or something?

 

 

I don't want to victim blame, but I do want you to consider your choices that led up to the situation too.

[Vicky876]

Thnx katiegrl and others. A big lesson indeed, pff. Also definitely says something about the self-esteem thing. Need to work on that big time.

[Vicky876]

I think it's horrible that you had to go through that. But while in theory it would be great if it was safe for a woman to walk the streets at 2 am, we all know this isn't the case.

 

 

Again I agree with others that if your fwb had any sort of class he would make sure you got home safe, but even if that isn't the case, shouldn't you take it upon yourself to try to find a taxi, or an uber or something?

 

 

I don't want to victim blame, but I do want you to consider your choices that led up to the situation too.

 

I know, but from where I was to my home was only a mile. and didn't really noticed it was that late already, didn't plan on it to go home at 2am.

[katiegrl]

We had a small chat on monday, he asked where it all happened. And later in the afternoon we had a short chat, not about what happened.

 

I definitely might have been infatuated, but nevertheless I think it's a principle to make sure whether it's a colleague, vague acquaintance, a girl you just met or a FWB to make sure they're allright. Whether I was big, fat and the most annoying or ugly girl in the world, whether the guy is sexually interested or not, he should just make sure someone's allright after such an attack. I think it very selfcentered, really.

 

As I said, I wasn't being the damsel in distress or exaggerating at all about what happened.

 

I know some state that I can't expect this from a 'FWB' kind a guy, but for f* sake, we are both human beings as well, and this was defo a matter of humanity and what is civilized to do.

 

*I* know you weren't being damsel or exaggerating.... but HE might!

 

Did you read my post about the Orlando shooting victim's brother? His brother (victim) is texting I'm gonna die, I love you, and brother responds LMFAO. His brother died, can you imagine ?

 

And he did love his brother very much but he did not believe him....

 

People can be effed up sometimes....

 

Forget about him.....

[Vicky876]

*I* know you weren't being damsel or exaggerating.... but HE might!

 

Did you read my post about the Orlando shooting victim's brother? His brother (victim) is texting I'm gonna die, I love you, and brother responds LMFAO. His brother died, can you imagine ?

 

And he did love his brother very much but he did not believe him....

 

People can be effed up sometimes....

 

Forget about him.....

 

Thank you Really. This thread helped me a lot to put things in perspective.

[Gaeta]

I know, but from where I was to my home was only a mile. and didn't really noticed it was that late already, didn't plan on it to go home at 2am.

 

Only a mile? women get attacked, killed and raped in their own home. A mile is long enough for him to kill you 100 times. If you were my daughter I would be so mad at your poor judgement. I know you need comfort but I think you also need a good Kick in the behind ! for putting yourself in this dangerous situation.