Vicky876 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Hi guys, BIG question here: I went out with a guy I like and slept with three times (in 6 months). We're not dating, but there's an attraction. Last sunday we went out together and had a laugh, nothing special, didn't make out or anything. Because there's a little crush, at least on my behalf, I want to take a step back and get to know each other a bit more. Anyway, I went home by myself, he went home as well. I live in the city centre. As I walked home I was being followed by a creep who attacked me, pushed me against the wall and wanting 'all my money'. He aggressively pulled my purse from my body and all the contents were all over the street. He ran away, I was shaking on my knees and grabbed everything of value from the ground and ran to my house. I was so scared and close to tears. I immediately called the guy I like, he didn't answer. I texted him what was going on and why I texted him and he replied, saying: 'wtf, are you allright?' So I told him how I felt and showed him the damage with a picture. Guess what HE DIDN'T REPLY untill the next day in the afternoon. I called the police that night and they came over. Anyway, I'm not only very upset about what happened, I'm also upset about the fact that he just left me. I felt so very alone. I just think, just out of respect and decency he would at least call me and ask me if I was allright. Questions: Am I in my right to be upset and angry about it? - Should or should I not say anything about that to him? - I am mainly angry, because it somehow also made me feel so worthless, I keep thinking: he'd probably didn't go home but to another girl, or: he fell asleep, or: he could not care less. And then I start to doubt: maybe he was scared, didn't know how to act or what to say, maybe he feels very guilty? Sidenote: he is 24, I just turned 29. Might matter.
preraph Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 You need to unload this guy. Any decent friend would have rallied to support you. He instead ran. For all you know, he could be in on it. In fact, you should mention him to the police, that he had an odd reaction when you told him about it. You should ditch him forever. 3
Yookie Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I get why you're upset but he's not your boyfriend and you were able to send him a picture so he knew you were okay. What did he say the next day? 3
Author Vicky876 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 @Yookie, we indeed went home separately. He went a different direction. He knew I was safe home, but you'd think he could imagine I felt awful. He wrote: 'Jesus Christ, where did this happen exactly?' I said where it happened and he didn't reply to that either. :S
Zahara Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Questions: Am I in my right to be upset and angry about it? - Should or should I not say anything about that to him? - I am mainly angry, because it somehow also made me feel so worthless, I keep thinking: he'd probably didn't go home but to another girl, or: he fell asleep, or: he could not care less. And then I start to doubt: maybe he was scared, didn't know how to act or what to say, maybe he feels very guilty? Sidenote: he is 24, I just turned 29. Might matter. It's understandable that you're upset. You should say nothing to him. If that is his level of care for you, you can't force someone to invest anymore than they would like to. He's someone you have sex with. When you both went separate ways, maybe he went to see another girl -- he's allowed because he's not your boyfriend. If you feel worthless, then move on from him. You can't make someone care for you just because you have sex with them.
Author Vicky876 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 It's understandable that you're upset. You should say nothing to him. If that is his level of care for you, you can't force someone to invest anymore than they would like to. He's someone you have sex with. When you both went separate ways, maybe he went to see another girl -- he's allowed because he's not your boyfriend. If you feel worthless, then move on from him. You can't make someone care for you just because you have sex with them. Wow, well, that's to the point . It absolutely is not the intention to 'claim him' and maybe he did see another girl, well, fine. But he should have called at least, to my opinion. It's a huge turn off, that's for sure. I can't even just text him something nasty...?
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 For all you know, he could be in on it. In fact, you should mention him to the police, that he had an odd reaction when you told him about it. You should ditch him forever. I agree and the thought he was in on it was my first thought too. He could at least have showed some concern, called the police, made sure you were fine, arranged to spend the night if you were still scared even, etc.. The fact he ignored you for a whole day as if nothing happened is weird. He is NOT relationship material or even friend material. NEXT! 5
hippychick3 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 His lack of caring would be such a major turnoff to me that I would never want to see him or speak to him again. Sorry, OP. There are too many decent and caring guys out there to waste your time and energy on this one. 5
clia Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 You're not dating him, you're not his girlfriend, the two of you left separately, he didn't even walk you home after the two of you went out...so I'm not sure why you are expecting him to step up in this situation. To be honest I'm not sure why you are angry at him or what you expected him to do. Or why you think he "left you"? The two of you had already parted ways for the night and he isn't your boyfriend or even a guy you are dating. Just because he was out with you earlier doesn't make him responsible for your well being for the entire night. If you wanted comfort, you should've called a girl friend. 8
MrDuck Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Sounds like an idiot! Wether hes your boyfriend, your FWB, friend, any kind of half decent friend would have rung you or been glued to their phone. If I cared about a girl, id of been straight round there. Hell I was literally glued to my phone when my girlfriend (before she was my gf) had to take her dog to the vets as an emergency.. and I was at work so I was having to text on the down low! In the end I told my manager I needed 5 mins to make a phone call. Don't waste your time! 4
hippychick3 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 You're not dating him, you're not his girlfriend, the two of you left separately, he didn't even walk you home after the two of you went out...so I'm not sure why you are expecting him to step up in this situation. To be honest I'm not sure why you are angry at him or what you expected him to do. Or why you think he "left you"? The two of you had already parted ways for the night and he isn't your boyfriend or even a guy you are dating. Just because he was out with you earlier doesn't make him responsible for your well being for the entire night. If you wanted comfort, you should've called a girl friend. Even if they're not dating, she expected him to care more. To be assaulted is a horrible and traumatic thing to experience. I have a couple guy "friends" who, if they found out this happened, would have been very concerned and offered to come over or offer comfort in some way. A guy doesn't need to be one's boyfriend to genuinely care. 5
Zahara Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Wow, well, that's to the point . It absolutely is not the intention to 'claim him' and maybe he did see another girl, well, fine. But he should have called at least, to my opinion. It's a huge turn off, that's for sure. I can't even just text him something nasty...? Like I said, you can't force or project your expectations on another. If he has little care for you and can't muster enough to even check up on you, then you have your answer. Text him something nasty? Better to invest that energy in moving on. Edited June 14, 2016 by Zahara 3
rgm82 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 ...I don't know, I'll usually walk a girl home or to their car even if we're not dating, I have plenty of female friends I'm not trying to have sex with and I'd do it for them too...it's not a chivalry thing, it's a genuine safety concern, there's a lot of lunatics out there who get their rocks off on attacking chicks and it usually happens when they're alone. Sounds like the guy's kind of useless as a guy. 3
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Depending on his past experiences with women.... he may not have even believed you. May have thought it was some sort of a "shyt test." I can't imagine why else he wouldn't even pretend to give a crap. But after reading this board for awhile, unfortunately and sadly, there are women who did play these sort of shyt tests on guys....to gauge their reaction, see how much they care, etc.... so if I had to venture to guess, this may have been what he was thinking. Like I said, it just seems unconscionable to me that even as a friend, he would not have shown more concern.... Glad to hear you are okay though! Next time you walk the streets alone at night, bring some pepper spray! I am serious.... 1
Author Vicky876 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 You're not dating him, you're not his girlfriend, the two of you left separately, he didn't even walk you home after the two of you went out...so I'm not sure why you are expecting him to step up in this situation. To be honest I'm not sure why you are angry at him or what you expected him to do. Or why you think he "left you"? The two of you had already parted ways for the night and he isn't your boyfriend or even a guy you are dating. Just because he was out with you earlier doesn't make him responsible for your well being for the entire night. If you wanted comfort, you should've called a girl friend. I thought we went out as friends, talked and danced a bit. It wasn't a date. It was late at night around 2am and I knew he was still awake, that's why I called him. I live in a small town and it's quite common to go home by yourself.
Lorenza Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Sorry it happened to you, it's so traumatising! Ugh... What a complete and utter turn-off it would be for me, if I was you. He should have called. Boyfriend or not, even a collegue or neighbour should show a little bit of support and interest in your well being, if they were decent people. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I am sorry this happened to you, OP. That must've been very scary. Thankfully you are okay, at least physically speaking. I get why you're disappointed. Even if he's not a boyfriend, you obviously know each other on a friendly level and he doesn't appear to understand how rattled you were about the incident. A little human compassion would have gone a long way. As someone else said, we can't make other people care more than they do. It sucks but you now know where his level of care is at. It's not very high. 1
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) The more I think about this, the more I am convinced he probably thought it was some sort of a shyt test.... to gauge his reaction, see how much he cares. I know it wasn't but as I said, depending on his experiences, and the fact he doesn't know you all that well.... he doesn't trust you yet.. He may be used to women playing these sort of games with him. I am only speculating... again I just find it unconscionable that he would just ignore you like that... and this is the only reason I can think of as to why. Cold and heartless... NEXT! Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl
Author Vicky876 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 Depending on his past experiences with women.... he may not have even believed you. May have thought it was some sort of a "shyt test." I can't imagine why else he wouldn't even pretend to give a crap. But after reading this board for awhile, unfortunately and sadly, there are women who did play these sort of shyt tests on guys....to gauge their reaction, see how much they care, etc.... so if I had to venture to guess, this may have been what he was thinking. Like I said, it just seems unconscionable to me that even as a friend, he would not have shown more concern.... Glad to hear you are okay though! Next time you walk the streets alone at night, bring some pepper spray! I am serious.... Thnx Katiegrl, I was affraid he'd think that it was some sorth of bootycall, that's why I said why I was calling and send him a picture of my teared up purse, including hair pulled out that got stuck on the buckle and broken earplugs. I'm okay and very lucky to be so, still in some shock. I'm just so, SOO dissappointed in this guy, can hardly understand why he didn't show any form of concern. I'm thinking in multiple possibilities and get angry and sad. Don't know whether I should just tell him how I felt and that I wonder why he didn't do anything or send him an angry text based on assumptions that he couldn't care less. I have no clue at all.
GunslingerRoland Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 #1) Maybe it's just my personality but I can't imagine not caring if anyone I knew told me that. Even if an acquaintance texted me that, I'd be worried and try to make sure they were okay. #2) Flip side is why do people have so many expectations for FWB's to care about them on any level. I think if you even have the emotionally ability to feel let down by your FWB, you shouldn't be in that situation in the first place. 2
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Thnx Katiegrl, I was affraid he'd think that it was some sorth of bootycall, that's why I said why I was calling and send him a picture of my teared up purse, including hair pulled out that got stuck on the buckle and broken earplugs. I'm okay and very lucky to be so, still in some shock. I'm just so, SOO dissappointed in this guy, can hardly understand why he didn't show any form of concern. I'm thinking in multiple possibilities and get angry and sad. Don't know whether I should just tell him how I felt and that I wonder why he didn't do anything or send him an angry text based on assumptions that he couldn't care less. I have no clue at all. No don't send him an angry text.... he didn't do anything "wrong" per se, he just doesn't give a crap.... Now that you know.... simply block, delete and move on. Don't even give it a second thought, why give him the satisfaction of thinking this even bothered you? He won't care anyway... he didn't care that you could have been killed, why would you think he would care that you're hurt and pissed off? He'll probably just toss it, delete it anyway... and accuse you (in his head) of being some sort of psycho or something. Let it go, and move on. That is what I would do.... Feel better though..... are you seeking any sort of counseling? I would hate for you to experience any sort of PTSD because of this, which wouldn't be uncommon. Good luck hun... Hugs 2
grays Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 #2) Flip side is why do people have so many expectations for FWB's to care about them on any level. I think if you even have the emotionally ability to feel let down by your FWB, you shouldn't be in that situation in the first place. But wouldn't you expect that a friend w/o benefits would be concerned? Why have lower standards just bc you're having sex w them?
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Thnx Katiegrl, I was affraid he'd think that it was some sorth of bootycall, that's why I said why I was calling and send him a picture of my teared up purse, including hair pulled out that got stuck on the buckle and broken earplugs. Okay....that may have been a bit much hun.... in his eyes....trying too hard to convince him it happened.... furthering his cause in believing it was a shyt test. Again I do not doubt this happened for a second, but seriously, the last thing a truly traumatized person would do is take a bunch of selfies and send to some guy they're screwing.. to prove what happened. Taking selfies was a good idea though... for evidence at trial if they ever catch the guy. Why didn't you go to the hospital though? Or did you? The police should have taken you.... standard procedure. Anyway... I don't want to make you feel bad or anything, just letting you in on what he may be thinking. I could be totally off. In any event, bottom line is the guy doesn't give a crap.... now that you know, block him and move on. Again so sorry this happened feel better.... Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Mrin Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 to put it bluntly: would you put up with this sort of callousness from a friend? From even a casual friend? No, you wouldn't. Then why would you put up with this from a man with whom you've been intimate. And - you were on a date with him that night. Honestly, I always believe that if I am out at night with a woman on a date or even as friends, she's in my care until she makes it safely home. Doesn't mean I always take her home because that's not always practical but I damn sure she makes it home and is okay. Call me old fashioned. 1
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