Francisd Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 My ex and I were together for 4 yrs. We broke up about a week after our 4 yrs anniversary when I found out she had been cheating on me with multiple people while I was in college. Our relationship was hardly a long distance since we lived about 2 hrs away from my University and I was always home on weekends. But she still managed to cheat. It's been 6 months since the break up. I thought I was doing fine without her. I have been focusing on school so I haven't been with anyone else since we broke up. I'm graduating engineering school at the end of the summer, already got a job. And then she texts me at 2am saying "Im scared." "Can I see you". I ignored the text during the night then got a call in the morning. Turns out her new boyfriend had gotten drunk and smashed her windshield, keyed her car and tried to hurt her. The cops were able to get there in time but I feel terrible for ignoring the message. What if he had hurt her? She move from our home town and has been staying with me for a couple of weeks now. The problem is, I feel like I'm falling for her again. I know I should keep my distance. It would be the logical thing to do but I can't help but want to hold her and tell her everything will be okay. At the same time I keep remembering what she did to me and I don't think I can forgive her. She seems to want to reconcile and pick things back up but I don't want to be anyone 2nd choice. My new job is back home so I will be moving. I get the feeling she's thinking of coming with me. We haven't really discussed what she will do when I move. I'm not really sure what to do. This is the first and only girl who met my parents. The one I brought home on many christmas and Thanksgiving. How can I still love her and hate her for what she did. Electrical engineering school was alot simpler than this crap. 2
azaleigha Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 That is a tough situation, for sure. It's good that you're really thinking about what would be best for you (and her) before jumping into anything again. Did you ever think about maybe speaking with a counselor to help you deal with some of the hurt you experienced after she cheated on you? There have been lots of relationships that have gone on to survive and thrive after infidelity, but both of you really have to be on the same page, and be willing to work through any remaining issues you/she had that led her to make the choices she did. It really depends on whether you think you can trust her again. It's definitely not impossible to make this work. Have you been able to sit down with her and have a good discussion about what happened, and about where you both are with regard to the future? It's usually a good idea to talk through things to see if you're even reading the same book, let alone on the same page. Either way, I know you're struggling with all of this. You sound like a really good, caring person, so I hope that you're able to figure out what will be best for you moving forward. Hang in there, friend, and good luck to you as you work through this! 2
Hoosfoos Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 A leopard can't change its spots. She will cheat again. 2
Satu Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Looks like you were a nice soft mattress to land on when the new guy through her out the window. Your concern is admirable, but don't let that obscure your good sense. You know who she really is. Make any decisions with that knowledge in the forefront of your mind. Take care. 3
LostOnes05 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 So, let me work this out in my mind (hopefully yours too)... 1) You're in school trying to make something of your life, so what does any non-supportive gf do...she cheats, multiple times 2) She reaches out to you when she was in trouble after the new guy goes bananas. Not excusing his behavior at all, but he probably found out some bad news about her and not everyone reacts so kindly to bad news. Gotta know the devil you're dealing with. 3) Don't feel bad about not answering. SHE made her choices, so she should be the one to deal with them. Even in situations like this. You can't burn down my bridge and then ask to use my boat to cross the river...doesn't work like that. Don't get the white knight syndrome and fall on the sword twice...it'll be your fault this time. 4) You let her move in with you (Bro...really??). There's being concerned (i.e. "Hey heard what happened, hope you're okay...let me know) and wearing a shirt with a welcome mat on it (i.e. Sure it's okay if you cheated on me several times, come stay with me...is your pillow plush enough?). She doesn't have any friends or family she could've stayed with? 5) Still trying to comprehend why she is staying with you... 6) She cheated on you... 7) Doesn't matter if she is the first girl to make you milk and cookies...let her go. She is using you as a means of convenience. When you no longer serve a purpose, guess what? She'll press rewind and repeat the same thing all over again. Don't do it to yourself. 2
Author Francisd Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 azaleigha: Its funny you mention counseling...That's exactly she said when I found out she had been cheating. She said she didn't want 4 yrs to go to waste. I guess i was too mad at the time to even consider it. LostOnes05: She is originally from Florida. When we met, her parents was in Texas for a job and she was going to the local community college. The family moved back to Florida soon after we met and she decided to stay in Texas to finish school. So she has no family here. I made a mistake by letting her move in. She cheated once and I'm sure she will do it again. Reading your comment made me realize I really dont know why that the new guy went crazy. She keeps insisting he was drunk. While that may be the case, something probably set him off. Maybe she cheated on him too? I have 2 more months until i graduate and move, ill just keep my distance for now and tell her she has to find a different place when I move. I've had a lot of time to think about this and she's not worth my time. Frankly, i didn't realize it till now but the last few months was nice just having to worry about me. -as selfish as that may sound... I dont think im even ready for a new relationship nonetheless piecing an old one back together. And that's enough reason for me to let her go. Thanks for all the replies, they really helped me get my thoughts together. 2
CaptBadger Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Not selfish at all. You came to the right conclusion and I agree with your decision, great choice. Try to avoid all kind of contact for the remaining 2 months, nothing of what she says will help.
LostOnes05 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Glad I could help! There is a big difference in working through problems in a relationship and dealing with someone who consistently makes bad decisions to the detriment of others and themselves. Remember bro, that you deserve better and you won't get it holding on to someone like that (I remind myself of the same thing every day). Good decision and wish you the best of luck!
Frank13 Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 The cops were able to get there in time but I feel terrible for ignoring the message. What if he had hurt her? Reading through the thread I realize the issue has been resolved but just wanted to add that you were no longer together, and from what I get not even friends, so it wasn't your place to save or protect her and it wasn't her place to ask. What if you were on vacation in Europe that night? She would have had to deal with it herself. However, what really gets to me is that she didn't give two S%$ts about you until she had problems with her boyfriend. Really? That's all you are to her? Not worth her time until she has bf problems? That's like rubbing your face in the fact you are only good when the bf is not. 1
juniorrocha Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 I don't know why do people keep thinking that once a cheater, always a cheater; once a liar, always a liar; and the list goes on. People change, people mature, people get confused, people commit mistakes. That's part of the human behavior. But yeah, you have to decide whether you can forgive her for what she's done or or not. And it seems like you can't, so not really worth living a life of distrust. Crazy that you let her into your house even though you can't forgive her for her actions though. I certainly wouldn't have done that.
Nightwriter Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 You need to be careful here or you could get burned. I was reading about cheating and found an article that basically says if you forgive someone too soon, they might not feel what they did was wrong, even if it's subconsciously, and that's one reason why you find repeat cheaters. If they don't truly understand what they did and feel real remorse, they will eventually fall back. You're actually not helping them be a better person if you are too lenient. I wish I could find the article but that was eye opening.
Frank13 Posted June 16, 2016 Posted June 16, 2016 I don't know why do people keep thinking that once a cheater, always a cheater; once a liar, always a liar; and the list goes on. People change, people mature, people get confused, people commit mistakes. That's part of the human behavior. They think that because it is true. People don't change. It is in their genetic character.
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