Time to come clean

[CaptBadger]

This is my first post so bare with me for a moment as I'd like to start by congratulating all of you for keeping up a forum like this one. I hope that this will aid me and I am sure that it has helped other in the past and future, so please keep it up. Anything that helps other is always a good thing.

 

This might be a bit of a long post so I am sorry in advance for that, hope you guys are okay with it.

WARNING: Some mature topics are discussed in here, so if you don't feel comfortable reading about sex, alcohol or the like, do not proceed.

 

Alright so, I have never talked this with anyone out of feelings of shame and distrust. I broke up with my ex in December last year, the reason why that happened is that she always had a lot of barriers before letting anyone in, including me; at first it felt like a good thing, like she didn't require that much attention and the like, but over time it gradually grew into something where I felt a lot of discomfort, as if my attempts to give her appraisal where being received in a lukewarm heart. This went on for almost 2 years, when she started to pretty much sabotage our relationship even making a comment once that originated in tension between her mother and me... I decided that I just couldn't keep on going like that and around 2 months later I decided to break it off, because it wasn't fair for me to keep on making an efforts and it being at the point that whenever I went to her house her mother wouldn't even say hi to me anymore.

 

After breaking up, I was pretty devastated but made efforts to push her out of my mind, just started hanging out with my friends more and the like, it was cool. A friend of mine decided to give me what would probably be the worse advice I have ever gotten: "All you need to get over her is just having sex with somebody else."

 

As it turned out, a girl I'd always thought was pretty hot also had a thing for me, which I learned on new year's eve. After flirting, dancing and drinking a lot we decided to go to a friend's house, where we both knew we were going to have sex. Once we arrived it was around 7 AM and we kept drinking tequila before it went down. Except it actually didn't. We did some oral and after my first orgasm I started feeling a bit uncomfortable, but hey whatever, it was time to get on to the next step, and that's when I noticed that it just wasn't going to happen, as my penis just wasn't erect. Sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but hey, this is coming clean is it not? I do not know if this was because she was not my ex and I wasn't ready to move on or if it was because of the copious amounts of alcohol and tiredness, but it is what it is. She was ok with it and fell asleep, while I on the other hand stayed up all night just wondering why it didn't work and feeling like ****, even at once going to the bathroom to masturbate and try to get an erection, to no avail. The morning after we attempted again and this time it worked but only for a couple of seconds, time at which I came and felt as if my penis had completely deflated and just given up, it even felt painful when touched for the whole remainder of the day adn the day afterwards. It didn't want to keep on going and neither did I. So I just left home on the excuse that I felt bad due to the alcohol.

 

Week after that was fine except I kept thinking back on it, and then it happened: I started thinking so much on it that I started losing my erections while masturbating as well. Couldn't have a hard erection for two or three months, my libido was completely busted and I felt horrible everyday. Might I add that this happened at the same time that I started the most time consuming semester I had ever had at college, with classes from 7 AM to 9 PM everyday. It was just horrible all around.

 

Around April I had another shot at it: Met her at a club and I knew it was going down, but this time I was not going to fail. Went to the pharmacy first thing and bought a pill of sildenafil; be it the fact I was drunk at the moment or my penis being busted, I couldn't fail at it twice. We went to a house and it went down, I took the pill and this time around it worked for sure.

 

Next couple of days I felt awesome, like balance had being restored and I was ready to go at it again. But then one day while masturbating I lost my erection once again... Didn't take me long this time to notice that the problem wasn't that event; it might have been the trigger, but the problem was that whenever I masturbated I just felt, well, bad. I remembered my ex, felt lonely, felt like I couldn't get erections (in a self-perpetuating cycle), and decided to just take it one step at a time.

 

Since that moment I have dated a couple of girls but I admit to always remember my ex when I do, and my penis is a bit of gamble; sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't (mind you, I have not had sex or any kind of sexual contact with others since that one). I have dealt with some pretty bad feelings which are still present on most of the days, feeling like my brain is jumbled and not knowing where to start in order to feel better. I still miss my ex, even if I know it was a good decision to break up with her and for the better. I do regret ever doing that on New Year's Eve but I guess there isn't much to do about the past in the present.

 

Wonder if my old libido and ability to, well, feel things will ever come back, as well as not feeling so weird about sex and physical intimacy. I never did know the kind of impact that even things like random boners had on your self-esteem once they are gone.

 

Guess I just wanted and needed to get all of that out, and even more so do it in a public manner. I hope that some of you will take the time to read it and maybe provide some insight to help me or some kind of positive support, and that this will be another step in healing and closing what has been frankly a horrible chapter ever since the year started.

Edited June 14, 2016 by CaptBadger
As an additional note, I am 23.

[bummer]

Your honesty is commendable.

 

I am not you, but similarly have troubles getting into it with a new girl especially right after a breakup. Embarrassing. But tske it as a sign you're not ready to move on yet and maybe should focus on grieving and healing sans females for some time? Try going a bit longer than usual without self servicing and see how you feel? See if you can be naturally aroused?

 

Take your time. Focus in school. Find a hobby other than touching yourself. I wish someone would have told my 23 year old self that.

[CaptBadger]

Your honesty is commendable.

 

I am not you, but similarly have troubles getting into it with a new girl especially right after a breakup. Embarrassing. But tske it as a sign you're not ready to move on yet and maybe should focus on grieving and healing sans females for some time? Try going a bit longer than usual without self servicing and see how you feel? See if you can be naturally aroused?

 

Take your time. Focus in school. Find a hobby other than touching yourself. I wish someone would have told my 23 year old self that.

 

Thanks!

 

Well, but once with the new girl would you say the problem goes away?

 

You are right in that I should probably go for some time without anyone but it's already been 6 months since I broke up and I do feel like I want flings, just can't seem to gather the sexual confidence to get on with it.

 

I do have a couple of hobbies and I am on my last semester of school! Things are pretty good on that aspect; to be honest, at this point I feel it more as an overarching feeling of defeatism, like even when not masturbating I feel sometimes anxious to even try it, or anxious that if it went down with a random girl in a fling then it won't work. That's when I start feeling badly and my thoughts start going into a jumbly mess.

 

If I go long enough without touching myself it might or might not work, just as it would or would not if I went a day without it... Hell not long ago it did not work in the morning but worked in the afternoon! Has more to do with where my mindset is at at the moment. On the bright side, this is a great improvement since the start of the problem where it just didn't work ever and I just felt constantly depressed and defeated. I do feel kind of good in that aspect, yet still frustrated that the battle with the problem is still a thing and not in the past.

Edited June 14, 2016 by CaptBadger

[keiji]

Try to not obsess about that. I know it's easier said than done, but when my ex-wife left I felt so insecure after 9 years with the same person that I had reiterated episodes like yours. It took a while for me to regain my confidence. After all, nobody except her had seen me naked in almost a decade and I felt tentative, to say the least. I was worried for a while, like "my sex life is over", but nothing further from the truth. One day my brain just clicked or, better said, turned off and I could enjoy my sexual life again. To the fullest. It's all UP THERE, not DOWN THERE, believe me.

Edited June 14, 2016 by keiji

[Sunnymae]

It sounds like you feel guilty for breaking up with her, and that you miss her, and these feelings could be keeping you from focusing on the "task at hand"sort of speak. The alcohol was definitely the problem the first night. Then it sounds like you were anxious about proving to this new girl that this was the alcohol not you.

Anxiety usually constricts the arteries, thus less blood supply to your penis. The blue pills relax the arteries so that you can get a hard on . Oops I'm not sure I can say that. But are you saying that the pill got you hard, but you weren't feeling it?

My advice, don't be overly anxious. Have lots of foreplay, or just cuddle and hold each other, then get a little more sensual maybe kiss. Take it slow, and you'll feel more relaxed. Don't worry a girl will not hold it it against you, and some may even not care, as long as they are being satisfied. If you catch my drift.

[CaptBadger]

Try to not obsess about that. I know it's easier said than done, but when my ex-wife left I felt so insecure after 9 years with the same person that I had reiterated episodes like yours. It took a while for me to regain my confidence. After all, nobody except her had seen me naked in almost a decade and I felt tentative, to say the least. I was worried for a while, like "my sex life is over", but nothing further from the truth. One day my brain just clicked or, better said, turned off and I could enjoy my sexual life again. To the fullest. It's all UP THERE, not DOWN THERE, believe me.

Thanks for your reply! What did you do in order to derail those train thoughts when you were having similar issues?

 

It sounds like you feel guilty for breaking up with her, and that you miss her, and these feelings could be keeping you from focusing on the "task at hand"sort of speak. The alcohol was definitely the problem the first night. Then it sounds like you were anxious about proving to this new girl that this was the alcohol not you.

This is exactly it. I am a bit in awe to be honest as to how you hit in the nail in the head, because this is exactly it.

 

What are some suggestions for those feelings of guilt and getting over it? Maybe once she is out of my brain, or at least the feelings are, then things can go a bit back to normal, gradually?

 

Anxiety usually constricts the arteries, thus less blood supply to your penis. The blue pills relax the arteries so that you can get a hard on . Oops I'm not sure I can say that. But are you saying that the pill got you hard, but you weren't feeling it?

Hah! Indeed, it was originally tested as a heart drug but had the side-effect of causing hard-ons so they decided to focus on that instead!

What do you mean with feeling it? As in emotionally or physically? Physically it felt great, didn't think about the issue even once, not sure if it was because of the pill or not but it worked. Emotionally? Felt good a couple of days and random boners came back, but then I started feeling empty once again and off they went.

 

My advice, don't be overly anxious. Have lots of foreplay, or just cuddle and hold each other, then get a little more sensual maybe kiss. Take it slow, and you'll feel more relaxed. Don't worry a girl will not hold it it against you, and some may even not care, as long as they are being satisfied. If you catch my drift.

Does this include random hook-ups or is it more related to dating relationships?Thanks a lot for your comments! They are very reassuring.

 

Been reading a lot of threads this morning on the site and I am feeling a lot better. Talking about it for the first time with others is great! Thanks a lot for helping me out so far!

[CaptBadger]

Would love to read more comments, this has definitely helped me.

 

Sorry for the double posting, wanted to bump it a bit, not sure if this is okay?

[VeveCakes]

Do you drink? Do drugs? On perscriptions? Get rid of anything like that, even alcohol, for at least 30 days and see if that helps too.

[CaptBadger]

Do you drink? Do drugs? On perscriptions? Get rid of anything like that, even alcohol, for at least 30 days and see if that helps too.

 

At the moment only alcohol because of college, but have a history with A LOT of different recreational drugs. Been trying hard to stay clean because while on the come-down of most of them I felt depressed and paranoid.

[keiji]

Thanks for your reply! What did you do in order to derail those train thoughts when you were having similar issues?

 

Well, the most important thing was for me to realize that it was a mental block. If it worked sometimes, it meant that the "mechanism" was OK. I accepted that it might happen again if I was being intimate with someone I barely knew because I was feeling quite insecure. When it happened, I explained the situation and approached it with sense of humor, which also helped the other part to feel Ok about it.

 

I'm not sure when or how the problem disappeared for good. I just know it felt very natural. One day I had just regained my confidence and it never happened again.

[bummer]

Time time time. It will take time to remove the guilt and images of her in front of you with every new girl. it's all up there in your big head (top of your body).

 

I am anxious with any girl the first time as are most men. Try cuddling and taking it slow. Flings may be wrong right now. Try making friends or relationships without sex at the center.

 

Radical idea, go NC from your little friend. Give it a week at least of no play time, no porn, no girls. Just focus on grieving and continuing to move on from your ex. Focus on friends and not yo dick. If you go a week, try two.

[CaptBadger]

I'm not sure when or how the problem disappeared for good. I just know it felt very natural. One day I had just regained my confidence and it never happened again.

Let's hope it fixes itself like that then! Been feeling better these days and happier to be single for the first time since I broke up. The issue is still a thing but I guess I am not paying as much attention to it now, and my libido is already back even if the little friend is not 100% there yet, but I am hopeful that one thing will follow the other!

 

Time time time. It will take time to remove the guilt and images of her in front of you with every new girl. it's all up there in your big head (top of your body).

I get you... Even when alone I still associate the idea of sex with images of her, which sucks. Wonder how long it will take for that to go away? Hopefully soon!

 

Radical idea, go NC from your little friend. Give it a week at least of no play time, no porn, no girls. Just focus on grieving and continuing to move on from your ex. Focus on friends and not yo dick. If you go a week, try two.

Let's no not be so drastic!! But yeah, that would probably be an interesting idea to see what happens. Will try it out starting Monday until next Monday..

[bummer]

Let's no not be so drastic!! But yeah, that would probably be an interesting idea to see what happens. Will try it out starting Monday until next Monday..

 

let's. Make it a test of your true mental maturity and self control by starting today. If you fall off the bandwagon, try tomorrow and repeat until you go a whole week. Treat yourself at the end if you must but I think you'll have a new perspective on life once you pass a few days and stop obsessing.

[CaptBadger]

let's. Make it a test of your true mental maturity and self control by starting today. If you fall off the bandwagon, try tomorrow and repeat until you go a whole week. Treat yourself at the end if you must but I think you'll have a new perspective on life once you pass a few days and stop obsessing.

Alright then, already started today.

 

Thing is I still miss the ex, even though 6 months have gone by... And now it just feels weird talking to people about it because it was a 2 year relationship, so I guess everyone just expects me to be over it already? But everything still reminds me of her which is kind of the problem...

 

Oh well, I guess that I should just keep waiting and let time do it's thing..