mammax3 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I've been dating a man a few years older than me for almost 2 months. Most of the dates are *very* short - an hour or two, a couple times a week - because I need to fit the dates into my solo parent schedule (I don't have shared access. They're all mine, all the time). He's amazing and we frequently chat on the phone and text. I'm super attracted to him. We can talk about anything. We're just starting to peel back the layers and become a little more deep when we're chatting. I think he's interesting and funny and while there's at least one problem I can see so far (he smokes and I don't) we seem to be a pretty good fit. I look forward to seeing him and talking with him, I get butterflies when I know we're getting together, I really like so much about him. I did a gut check, and I don't know if I 'care' about him. Like, if it sort of fizzled out, I'd be ok. Or if we didn't chat for a few days, I'd think about him and be happy when we did chat, but I wouldn't be devastated. I am quite tender about him and wouldn't want him to feel any sadness and pain... and I'd like him to feel loved and happy... but does this mean i "care" about him? I don't know how to find out if that just happens with time, or if I'm too jaded or if it's different because I have children or have had two not great relationships. I'd love your perspective. Quick backstory: I have been enmeshed in 2 co-dependent relationships in the last 20 years (my only relationships in that time) and I've done a LOT of work on myself to become more aware for the future. I also haven't been that interested in dating in the last 5 years, and he is the first man who i'm into it. 1
Satu Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 It could be said that co-dependents care too much. I think it most important that you avoid that. From what you say, it seems like you care enough. Don't overthink it. 3
Author mammax3 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 Ha ha! I do overthink things!! I think I keep waiting for that co-dependency to crop up as my indicator that I'm interested - I appreciate you saying that, Satu: that I should try and avoid the trap. Even though I intellectually *know* that I don't want to land into that enmeshment, when the ball starts rolling it's hard to try and do something different. So maybe it's a good thing that I'm not all desperate and dependent and I would be ok for a few without him. That's an interesting measurement. thanks! 2
Larryville Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I did a gut check, and I don't know if I 'care' about him. Like, if it sort of fizzled out, I'd be ok. Or if we didn't chat for a few days, I'd think about him and be happy when we did chat, but I wouldn't be devastated. I am quite tender about him and wouldn't want him to feel any sadness and pain... and I'd like him to feel loved and happy... but does this mean i "care" about him? If you did this “gut check” but feel little or nothing that will never improve. If he is showing stronger signs of attachment then you either need to be straight forward with him about how you feel and communicate honestly so you don’t string him along. Not doing so is what makes dudes bitter wasting time, effort and money on someone who has no real feeling for them. he smokes and I don't That is usually a major deal breaker right off the bat. I have been enmeshed in 2 co-dependent relationships in the last 20 years (my only relationships in that time) and I've done a LOT of work on myself to become more aware for the future. Don’t do anything that will screw up your hard work. Always put YOU first.
WhirlwindGuy Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 If you did this “gut check” but feel little or nothing that will never improve. If he is showing stronger signs of attachment then you either need to be straight forward with him about how you feel and communicate honestly so you don’t string him along. Not doing so is what makes dudes bitter wasting time, effort and money on someone who has no real feeling for them. Yes please, do this! I am not a bitter or negative person, but after my dating experience the past 8 months or so, I can totally see why guys start becoming the stereotype. It starts really becoming hard to trust after getting **** on so many times.
pteromom Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 This actually sounds HEALTHY to me. You like him. He likes you. You feel your relationship is growing. And...you AREN'T overly enmeshed for a 2 month relationship! So the work you have done on yourself is working!!!! Congratulations on that! It feels different to you because it is very different than a co-dependent relationship where you fall in love right away and become obsessed with someone. This is what a healthy relationship feels like. Wading in. Good job. Don't worry. Not to mention, with kids, you are extremely smart to wade in. You want to keep your eyes open for red flags that would not make him a good candidate for a step-father, and be willing to walk away if too many pop up. You can't do that if you are "caring" too much. You are still in the getting-to-know-each other stage. 3
pteromom Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Also, since your dates are short, please don't make them all about sex. Make sure you are growing friendship and trust and learning about his values and goals. 2
Satu Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Looks healthy to me too. No extremes, no push - pull, no highs and lows, just enjoying spending time together and good intentions. Just enjoy it 1
BaileyB Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Im at a similar place in my new relationship. Same length of time, same frequency of dates. I really like him, he seems to like me. We are having fun together and things are slowly progressing in terms of intimacy... I think it's very healthy and I wouldn't do anything different. I'm trying very hard just to enjoy the experience. And like you, if one of us walked away right now... I'd be sad (because I like him and I want to see what happens), but I would get over it quickly. Feelings are just starting to grow... Not in too deep just yet. I worry about those who jump too fast and too deep... It tends to burn out quickly more often than not. I think relationships need time to grow... So, don't overthink and just have fun getting to know him. As my friend tells me, at this stage you just need to ask yourself... "Do I like him enough to see him again." If it's meant to be, it will continue to grow. Good luck to you! 1
dumbass2 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 "there's at least one problem I can see so far (he smokes and I don't) we seem to be a pretty good fit" Would thisnormally be a deal breaker with you because it is for a lot? Can you deal with him smoking or do you think he can change and stop if you ask him too?
Author mammax3 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Awesome - thanks for all your input and perspectives. I feel like I *do* like him - that I'm not stringing him along. Will I marry this man? I have no idea, but I know that he doesn't know that about me either. And that's okay! I'd be worried if he was professing undying love for me right now! lol Since we have limits on our time - kids, adulting, other friends, activities - it's not at all the same as in my past so I'm walking blind as to what I should expect. I'm not sure about the smoking. We've talked about it because I'm aware it could be a problem. It doesn't seem to be a 'dealbreaker' because I'm still here. And I wouldn't try to get him to quit. I've been around smokers and other addicts too long to know that would *never* happen and I don't even want to set up that dynamic. Thanks everyone! I feel more clear. I like him and we're just seeing how we get on, going slow, and not being all up in each other.
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Spending a couple of hours a week with someone would not be enough for me to develop feelings toward someone. I know you are being careful to not develop co-dependency but at some point if you want this relationship to evolve to something else you will have to make him a priority and not have him at the bottom of your priority list. 1
BaileyB Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Of course, with time you will spend more time with him and more feelings will develop. But for two months, consisting all the responsibilities you both have, I think what you are feeling is perfectly healthy and appropriate. Good luck! 1
Author mammax3 Posted June 15, 2016 Author Posted June 15, 2016 Great! Right now this feels right - in my last rp, I ended up giving TOO much time to him, at (what I felt) was the expense of my kids. I don't want to do that again, but I'm hearing I have to be careful that I don't swing too deep the other way and not give us a chance to have more time together and see how that develops. I guess most people can seem pretty great an hour a week lol! Just kidding - he's pretty fantastic, and I know some people I wouldn't be able to sit across from even an hour a week. I'll just keep going as we are and keep my eyes open, and my heart, and try to enjoy the ride.
Author mammax3 Posted June 16, 2016 Author Posted June 16, 2016 We went on a date last night and I can feel the rush being with him. It feels amazing, but I also want to stay grounded. I feel myself caring more about him, especially since I feel like I'm getting to know him better. Maybe this is a precursor to love, I don't know. I'm still trying to chill and enjoy lol Thanks all.
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