ZA Dater Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Those who struggle to find dates. Often I read through threads here and often I feel quite sad for the experiences people have had, the bad ones and the struggle many people have. A very common thread seems to be the fact friends, family and co workers can never relate to the perpetually unsuccessful. Why is this? Probably because most people are spoilt with success. I had a massive debate/argument with a close friend, he kept trying to set me up "she is hot" "oh she will be a good shag" and kept putting me into awkward situations. Eventually I sat and wrote him a letter. The reply was "shame". He then got involved in a verbal debate with me "oh its not about looks you look just fine" so fine I get no decent Tinder matches. "Oh so and so had lots of girls" conveniently forgetting awkward looking so and so always had money. "oh you must be positive and confident", really hard when all your experiences are negative. Eventually I just gave up and said "its ok" and left. Its not ok, I feel worse now because I thought writing a two page letter explaining why I am how I am and feel how I feel and outlining my dating experience would at least help to perhaps garner some more appropriate helpful advice. It didn't because people cannot relate to people like me. 32 yo virgins with no experience at anything dating related. He cant relate, to the point where the subject is now perpetually closed. Motto of the story its tough to reach out for help if you find yourself in the unsuccessful dating category because people cant relate if they have had success. I help people get back on their feet, be it lost jobs, deaths of family etc. and I always make sure I listen to them and give them the attention they need emotionally to pick them up, make them believe they can be more, its strange that people seem more willing to give "feel good but nonsense advice" than to actually try and build people who struggle to date up. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Things like lack of success in dating and to a lesser extent, losing jobs are a function of society judging you stacked up against other people. At the end of the day, whether you have zero women or 100 women, you'll be worm food. I personally believe success in dating has a low correlation to admirable human qualities. So ... why would I feel sorry for somebody who does badly in dating? It's like people who whine about working low paying jobs and you find out they make $65,000 a year. There's lots of people like that. And lets just say your looks are OK. Let's say mine are OK and they are 'not the problem'. Let's say we woke up tomorrow and we were 4 foot tall and had a disfigured face. Well then, our looks would definitely be the problem. What then? But don't get me wrong. I've been where you've been and I've posted very similar stuff to this post. So I can relate. And a lot of people have been approached hundreds of times in their life and still whine. I'll probably still whine too at some point, but I'll try and catch myself. The key change for me was being happy with myself and what I bring to this world. Taking myself out of the competition. If you want high salaries and a 'pretty, successful' spouse to show off, then I cannot help you. But if you can put those things aside, and find things to do in life that are enjoyable and inspiring, then it can be a fun experience. Edited June 14, 2016 by JuneJulySeptember 2
Imajerk17 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) I think you need to lose your persecution complex OP. People may come across less than empathetic sometimes* because they have bigger problems. There are people your age dealing w divorce, illness, family problems, financial problems. Those problems seemed much bigger to me even when I WAS dealing w dating problems. Not to mention that there are plenty of other people out there who are single but don't want to be. They are working to figure stuff out, just as you are. Contrary to what it seems that you believe, life isn't sunshine and parties for everyone else while it's a rain cloud and gloom for you. *What about the advice you've gotten in your threads. You have gotten tough love but you've also gotten advice and encouragement when you've put yourself out there that is. I feel that is germane to the question in your first post on this thread. Edited June 14, 2016 by Imajerk17 3
MGX Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Those who struggle to find dates. Often I read through threads here and often I feel quite sad for the experiences people have had, the bad ones and the struggle many people have. A very common thread seems to be the fact friends, family and co workers can never relate to the perpetually unsuccessful. Why is this? Probably because most people are spoilt with success. I had a massive debate/argument with a close friend, he kept trying to set me up "she is hot" "oh she will be a good shag" and kept putting me into awkward situations. Eventually I sat and wrote him a letter. The reply was "shame". He then got involved in a verbal debate with me "oh its not about looks you look just fine" so fine I get no decent Tinder matches. "Oh so and so had lots of girls" conveniently forgetting awkward looking so and so always had money. "oh you must be positive and confident", really hard when all your experiences are negative. Eventually I just gave up and said "its ok" and left. Its not ok, I feel worse now because I thought writing a two page letter explaining why I am how I am and feel how I feel and outlining my dating experience would at least help to perhaps garner some more appropriate helpful advice. It didn't because people cannot relate to people like me. 32 yo virgins with no experience at anything dating related. He cant relate, to the point where the subject is now perpetually closed. Motto of the story its tough to reach out for help if you find yourself in the unsuccessful dating category because people cant relate if they have had success. I help people get back on their feet, be it lost jobs, deaths of family etc. and I always make sure I listen to them and give them the attention they need emotionally to pick them up, make them believe they can be more, its strange that people seem more willing to give "feel good but nonsense advice" than to actually try and build people who struggle to date up. If your close buddy is so good with women, then give him a task: Ask him to hook you up with one OR ask him to be your wingman as you pick up chicks. He knows you well enough and since he's so good at women, so he can help be an ice breaker. All you gotta do is bring a good experience to any woman that he introduces you to. If he does hook you up, please don't go into the date or evening with that persecution complex up. Anticipating for women to find some excuse to leave you hanging. You want to be a good date, so she will want to go on more dates with you. You wanna lose that complex, but you'll just add on to those negative experiences if your guard is up for women who won't like you.
Author ZA Dater Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 If your close buddy is so good with women, then give him a task: Ask him to hook you up with one OR ask him to be your wingman as you pick up chicks. He knows you well enough and since he's so good at women, so he can help be an ice breaker. All you gotta do is bring a good experience to any woman that he introduces you to. If he does hook you up, please don't go into the date or evening with that persecution complex up. Anticipating for women to find some excuse to leave you hanging. You want to be a good date, so she will want to go on more dates with you. You wanna lose that complex, but you'll just add on to those negative experiences if your guard is up for women who won't like you. He has set me up before, with people he himself wouldn't date ever. He is married now.
normal person Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I think most people have a problem relating to and empathizing with others in general. It boggles my mind that people can be treated poorly, experience pain, and then turn around and treat others poorly knowing full well what it will do to them. These people have a choice: they could end a cycle of pain but they choose to perpetuate it. It seems stupid to me and the problem seems very prevalent. More specifically, I think people have problems relating to people in different dating situations regardless of what they are. My best friend has been with two women his whole life, the first being his high school girlfriend, the second being his now wife who he started dating in college immediately after breaking up with the first. I, on the other hand, can't fathom living that life. I'm picky. I like variety. I love being single. I want to explore every possible option and make sure I get what's best for myself and get all my appetites satisfied. I can tell my friend is bothered by it for some reason. He wants me to just pick a girl and settle down already (I have no idea why). But I know that settling or rushing into to things is a recipe for disaster in the long run, and that's a fundamental difference between him and I. He lives in the present and never thinks about the future, and all I do is plan for the future, often at the expense of the present. The bottom line is that you shouldn't let anyone else tell you what will make you happy. Be cautious taking advice from people who don't have to live with the consequences of the actions. So while it's true that people have a hard time relating to each other, even if others have good intentions, it's your responsibility to tune them out if necessary. 3
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) The reply was "shame". He cant relate, to the point where the subject is now perpetually closed. This is NOT about "people" in general, this is about your friend who comes up with gems like "she is hot", "oh she will be a good shag". As you rightfully point out HE CAN'T RELATE, he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to relate. You expected empathy and understanding from a guy who "kept putting me into awkward situations". He doesn't sound in the least bit empathetic so why did you put your heart on the line to him? He is not being mean, he just doesn't really understand. Edited June 14, 2016 by elaine567
AMJ Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 My best friend gives terrible advice. We've been friends for over 20 years now, and seriously I've had many frustrating times trying to get her to see my perspective and get some type of compassionate or constructive response. And it's just not in her wheelhouse to be empathetic. All she knows how to do is relate my story to something she thinks is similar in her own life (which is 9 times out of 10 not even close to being related) and thinks it's comforting to let me know that's she's been in my shoes or whatever. My point is, she's my friend for other reasons. Not all of my friends can be excellent advice-givers or therapists. When it comes to dating, literally everyone in my life has no advice to give. They all think I'm perfect and just keep picking the wrong guy. I don't blame my friends or family because they're not able to solve this issue of mine. It's up to me to figure that out. 2
Author ZA Dater Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 This is NOT about "people" in general, this is about your friend who comes up with gems like "she is hot", "oh she will be a good shag". As you rightfully point out HE CAN'T RELATE, he doesn't have the emotional intelligence to relate. You expected empathy and understanding from a guy who "kept putting me into awkward situations". He doesn't sound in the least bit empathetic so why did you put your heart on the line to him? He is not being mean, he just doesn't really understand. My point is that in general people who haven't experienced adversity themselves cannot relate to those who have, nor do they even attempt to do so. As a matter of interest I sent the same story to his wife, who I am similarly close to, in some ways she is more like a sister to me. Her reply was rather different. "A strange and sad world we live in, lots of love and know I cherish your friendship"
elaine567 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 My point is that in general people who haven't experienced adversity themselves cannot relate to those who have, nor do they even attempt to do so. As a matter of interest I sent the same story to his wife, who I am similarly close to, in some ways she is more like a sister to me. Her reply was rather different. "A strange and sad world we live in, lots of love and know I cherish your friendship" SHE has emotional intelligence. 1
SammySammy Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 My point is that in general people who haven't experienced adversity themselves cannot relate to those who have, nor do they even attempt to do so. As a matter of interest I sent the same story to his wife, who I am similarly close to, in some ways she is more like a sister to me. Her reply was rather different. "A strange and sad world we live in, lots of love and know I cherish your friendship" Who hasn't experienced adversity? I don't have the problems you have with dating, but I'm thoroughly familiar with adversity. My life has been very difficult in other ways. Even in dating, we all face some adversity. No one gets everything they want or everything doesn't work out the way we want. Some of us just deal with it and move forward. Some people focus on overcoming the challenge. Others focus on the challenge itself. The difference is mindset.
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