michelle01 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I've moved to a new country a year ago, after being single for over a year. I knew no one and my ex was the first person I met. We dated for 9 months, and while it wasn't a lifetime, we had spent many days of the week with each other. He was the one who showed me the city and all the best things it can offer. He was the first bf who I did a lot of travelling with. He knew me better than anyone else I had dated in the past. I was blindsided by the breakup when it happened 4 days ago. I thought we were happy. He said that he didn't see us long term. I held my dignity when he told me. No crying. No begging. No kneeling. Just packed up my stuff and left. Since the BU, I had read many comments on forums/blogs/sites about dealing with breakups, whether to stay friends with the ex, and who should initiate contact after NC. While I am still going through the NC phase, the good days and the bad days, there is a part of me that would really like to be friends. I'm not hoping to be friends so that there would be a chance for us to be back together. I know the reason he gave was final, and I know I should respect his decision. I miss him immensely and like any dumpee, all the good memories we shared keep running through my mind. I don't know if he meant it when he said we can be friends. Perhaps it was just something standard to stay to soften the blow. The only way I would ever know is to reach out and ask. What would I say when I am mentally and emotionally over him to initiate friendship?
Zahara Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 It's only been 4 days. Stop trying to fast forward but focus right now on healing and moving on. Cluttering your head with how to forge a friendship in the future is counter productive. There may come a time in the future when you're healed emotionally and mentally that a friendship may not even sound appealing to you anymore. Stay NC and invest this time in yourself.
Gaeta Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Yes it was just a think he said to make himself feel better after hurting you. The NC has a specific role, it is to put some distance between the 2 of you to allow you to see things from a distance. It's only been 4 days it's normal you are in the withdrawal phase. Go through your full NC and in a couple of weeks you will start feeling different about it. Now you are in your denial phase, soon you'll be in your anger phase, then bargaining, then depression than acceptance. Do yourself a favor and do not try to friend him at this point. You think it's not to reconnect with him but deep down you are lying to yourself. Let him go, offer yourself a new start.
PegNosePete Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 What would I say when I am mentally and emotionally over him to initiate friendship? Cross that bridge when you come to it. Most likely when you are "mentally and emotionally over him" you will not even want to initiate friendship with him. 1
Author michelle01 Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 Thank you, Zahara and Gaeta. I understand that now it's not the time to reach out for friendship. My question is not about when to reach out - I am fully aware that this is the time for me to heal and move on. But I know myself enough that after the NC period, I will still want to be friends - strictly platonic - with him. Hence I would like to know what would be the best way to initiate friendship and what to say.
Zippy2000 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 If you do want to break no cotnact and be in touch as "friends" then you will need to tell him your real intentions. In my experience some people when you go back in their lives they are more than suspicious. Its like getting a foot in the door and getting back together again. I ve had some women to mean who hav said "lets just be friends". I have no problem with that but when i do contact them. I ve left with a wall of silence. You will need to be prepared for that, However that said. i had a girl I dated and she used the friends phrase and 6 years later she has turned out to be my best friend. Just be prepared he may not respond as some people use the "friends" work to soften the blow for rejection.
PegNosePete Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Hence I would like to know what would be the best way to initiate friendship and what to say. "Hey how are you doing?" No need to over-think this any more than you already are.
Toodaloo Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Blimey its only been four days. Give yourself a break and do some healing! How about instead of trying to figure out how to remain friends that you go out and make it your mission to try new things and make new friends... Just because I am nosey. What was the reason he gave? 1
Gaeta Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Thank you, Zahara and Gaeta. I understand that now it's not the time to reach out for friendship. My question is not about when to reach out - I am fully aware that this is the time for me to heal and move on. But I know myself enough that after the NC period, I will still want to be friends - strictly platonic - with him. Hence I would like to know what would be the best way to initiate friendship and what to say. With all due respect how do you know how you will feel about this situation in 6 months. Human beings are in constant evolution so don"t assume this friendship will be important to you after your mourning. What you are doing now is hang on to him. Lets remind you he is the one who moved on. He is over you. He offered friendship to ease his guilt. He is not interested in dating other women in front of you. But to answer your question there is no special way to get back in touch. Just ask how he is doing in 6 weeks. Be prepared he will be half interested in answering. All you will be doing is ask him for a second rejection.
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