GIGS or something else? Do I have a chance?

[Confused005]

Bit of back story I guess. I was with my ex girlfriend for 2 years. At the start of this year she asked for a break as she felt a little confused and wanted time for herself to sort out her work situation and university situation. During the break we had LC and I had my weak moments and told her that she knows how I feel about her and that I do love and miss her, nothing over the top though. I also said I can't be friends with you, it will never work. She called me at work one day and said she wants to meet up and talk and that she made a mistake and realized I am what she wants and that she was confused. We slowly got back together but I never felt like she was fully in it. We were still intimate, but much less. I admit I put in so much effort this time around because I didn't want to lose her again, as she said she felt like I didn't put in effort with her last time/she thinks I lost interest.

 

Anyway fast forward 2-3 months and she tells me the same thing, she loves me but thinks she isn't in love with me. She says that is it and that she doesn't want to lose me completely as she says I was her lover and her best friend. As she was saying all this she broke down and just started crying and couldn't look at me. I got emotional too. I asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted and she kept repeating "I don't know" while crying hysterically. I decided I wasn't going to leave until she and I had both settled down. But she said something, "I just need to do me and sort out my life, I just need 6 months to myself" and kept saying she didn't know if this was the right thing to do. She assured me that she still cares for me so much and thanked me. As I was leaving she hugged me like she never has before and gave me a kiss.

 

It has been about 2 and a half weeks and I've heard from her once and replied with a short answer. I'm not going to do what I did last time and tell her my feelings, although I think about doing that all the time and get to the point of doing it and then talk myself out of it.

 

I get the feeling she tries to make it look like she is happy through social media and going out and drinking and getting completely drunk and meeting new people.

 

I'm lost, I literally cannot take my mind off of her and do miss her and love her. I wan't to talk to her about all this but know that would probably just make it worse. With all the partying and drinking and meeting new people and all that would it be a case of GIGS? I hope one day she misses me, some part of me hopes it sooner rather than later, and some part of me hopes I am long gone and she feels how I feel. But we have no hatred/negativity towards one another and all I want is her.

 

Any advice helps and I know people will say why would you want someone back who has done this twice, but if anyone else has gone through this situation, I'd love to hear about it.

 

Thanks guys and apologise for the long post

[PegNosePete]

So you do realise she was seeing someone else, right? I mean I can see it plain as day, all the evidence points to that. But you being the one in the situation, may be unable to see it. She was quite clearly having a relationship with another guy the first time she dumped you, and only came back to good old Mr. Reliable because it didn't work out with him.

 

Then she either met someone else or went back to the same guy, and dumped you again. She is clearly not committed to you in the slightest. She has jumped ship the moment a better offer comes along, twice now. Do you honestly believe that if she came back to you, it wouldn't happen a third time, and that she would be committed to only you from now on?

 

It doesn't matter whether she has GIGS or PTSD or RSPCA or NASA. It's too common these days to try to diagnose someone, to think that there must be something "wrong" with them, that they can take a pill and be "cured" from dumping you. Sorry, but that's not how it works. She chose to dump you, twice. Harsh as that may seem, it is what she did. It's not a symptom or a disease. It is a choice she made, with full and conscious thought, in sound mind. She weighed up the pros and cons and decided she was better off without you. Twice.

 

What you need to do now is to NC her and begin the long, hard process of moving on. The first stage is accepting that it's over.

Edited June 14, 2016 by PegNosePete

[Confused005]

I see how you could think this but there definitely wasn't another person involved. I know this for a fact and I'm not sure how to persuade people online that there wasn't haha, but thanks for the advice. I am probably blinded by my feelings for her

[PegNosePete]

I see how you could think this but there definitely wasn't another person involved. I know this for a fact

Well, all I'll say is... they all say that. And then in a month's time they come back here saying you were all right, there was someone else.

 

But it really isn't relevant anyway. She dumped you, twice. She thought long and hard, she weighed up the pros and cons of carrying on a relationship with you, and she chose to end it, twice. Now you have to accept that whether there's someone else or not, she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, long term. Even if she comes back, how long will it be until she makes the same decision again and dumps you a third time? A week? A month? A year? Why allow this cycle to continue? You're only hurting yourself more and more each time.

[Confused005]

I guess, thanks. I was just wondering if anyone else had a similar situation and how it panned out for them. Should I ever explain my feelings for her?

[Alamo657]

Its pointless to express feelings to someone who showed you trough her actions that your feelings aren't reciprocated.

 

It makes them feel important and does not bring you anything in return , a very unfair deal.

[Confused005]

So whats the best thing to do here?

I feel as if its not over, we have this connection like no other. She has contacted me 2-3 times through text and I've replied once, she still has all these pictures of us on her social media and her parents messaged me saying that they're sorry for whats happened and I am welcome whenever and that they'll miss me (I don't have any family in my country so they were like a family to me and a second home)

 

If my goal is to even just meet up with her at some stage and show her things are going well and how my feelings havent changed what should I do?

[PegNosePete]

So whats the best thing to do here?

The best thing for you to do is to accept that it's over. You need to go NC and heal from this relationship.

 

I feel as if its not over, we have this connection like no other.

YOU might feel that but she's made it pretty clear that SHE doesn't feel that.

 

It takes 2 to tango. You are still on the dance floor but she has hung up her shoes, got changed, gone home, showered and gone to bed. She does not want to tango with you, no matter how much you want her to.

 

If my goal is to even just meet up with her at some stage and show her things are going well and how my feelings havent changed what should I do?

She knows your feelings but she doesn't reciprocate them. What would you say if you were to meet up with her? You can't talk her into having feelings. She has tried, twice, and failed. Do you really think a third time would be any different?

[ExpatInItaly]

You don't need to tell her your feelings again. She knows.

 

OP, I know you said you have a connection like no other - but if she felt the same, she wouldn't have broken up with you. Twice. It's hard to hear, but your feelings evidently are not hers.

 

You need to go No Contact. Don't worry; she won't suddenly think you don't care anymore. She has called it off twice now, so if she actually has the cojones to ask where you've been, tell her you're trying to heal and give her the space she requested.

 

It's not some "syndrome" (ie. so-called "GIGS") She is young and naturally wants to explore and grow. This happens all the time and thought it's unpleasant for the injured party, it is quite normal. Ultimately, she knows where to find you if she wants to see you.

 

For your own sanity, start accepting that it's over. That way, whether or not she reconnects with you someday, you'll be in a healthier and happier emotional place.

[sooshi]

My ex broke up with me five times over four years. Before we ever got together, we were good friends, and he changed his mind about wanting to be with me at least twice.

 

Don't do what I've done and get sucked back in over and over again.

[bummer]

I would want her back too.

 

Relationships which end without a clear cause (infidelity, abuse, gross incompatibility, etc) but maybe sizzle out are hard on the dumpee. I've been the dumper with GIGS and know it took a long time with back and forth and uncertainty to finally end it since the dumpee never did anything wrong.

 

The issue is, she does care for you, or she wouldn't have tried again. But, she lost the love, has GIGS, wants other experiences, isn't ready to commit... etc. Whatever her real reason, she let you down the bravest way she could.

 

Respect the NC. move on for yourself meaning unfollow and don't look at her social media. You shouldn't know if she's still alive if you're doing NC right.

 

When you both are older, more mature, she **may** come back. Someone on LS said second chances are usually immediate (you already tried) or after a few years. So maybe she'll try to reignite the relationship when she knows herself better and realizes you're a super dude. By then it will be a nice surprise for you because you'll have matured yourself.

 

There will always be indifferent platonic friendship too if you both have moved on romantically. Be glad you're time with her didn't end from some messed up situation. Don't beat yourself up and try moving on the best you can since she is.

[Trinity7]

Hey, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this It's a horrible feeling. In reading your situation, I think the best thing you can do is stick to strict NC. It'll give her a chance to see what life is really going to be like without you in it, and that may make her miss you. If you're always still feeding her ego and letting her know that you'll be there when and if she ever needs some attention, she isn't going to have much interest in you anymore. Disappear! Let her wonder about you and wonder if she made the wrong decision. I know what I'm saying is an unpopular opinion, but it sometimes brings comfort to hear it.

 

And you HAVE to focus on yourself and work on regaining/improving your self-esteem and self-respect in the meantime. It'll give you strength and confidence, both things you'll need (and both things that are alluring to girls) in the days to come whether or not you guys reconcile. I'll say this though, as good as it may feel to reconcile at first, do you really think you'd be able to trust her again? For me and my current breakup situation, I want him to reach out to me of course, but I honestly don't think I could take him back because I would never again trust that he wouldn't disappear again. And without trust or stability, it's pretty impossible to have an intimate relationship.

 

So please do think twice about all of this. Maybe do some research or read some self-help books. That helped me in the past and has given me the self-esteem boost I needed to be able to stand up for myself in my current breakup. It's possible you need to examine what it is in you that is causing you to let her essentially walk all over you by coming and going as she pleases. When we're whole and healthy, we don't generally let people treat us that way. Just a thought! Anyway, you're not alone.. Hang in there. x

[Confused005]

Thanks guys. It's just hard, and I've lost all motivation to do anything really. I gave her my all and I guess that's all I could do, thanks again for the advice.

[Alltohim]

It's still like your girl friend needs more time to see what she really wants.

Don't give up hope, 6 months is not an unbearable time period and it gives

you some time to think through your own feelings for her. If it's meant to

happen - it will happen.

[gaig]

Anyway fast forward 2-3 months and she tells me the same thing, she loves me but thinks she isn't in love with me. She says that is it and that she doesn't want to lose me completely as she says I was her lover and her best friend. As she was saying all this she broke down and just started crying and couldn't look at me. I got emotional too. I asked her if she was sure this is what she wanted and she kept repeating "I don't know" while crying hysterically. I decided I wasn't going to leave until she and I had both settled down. But she said something, "I just need to do me and sort out my life, I just need 6 months to myself" and kept saying she didn't know if this was the right thing to do. She assured me that she still cares for me so much and thanked me. As I was leaving she hugged me like she never has before and gave me a kiss.

 

Of course it hasn't happened only to you and "we" also believed we are a couple with a unique connection, etc etc.

 

So.. she will continue like this and have remorse regarding your BU, until the moment she finds another guy. Then in a magic way she will stop feeling bad towards you. And this moment will be soon. Because we all know how much easier is for a girl (in general) to get a new bf when she is marked as "available".

 

Stopping contact will protect you and only you my friend. It's not about her. The new guy will protect her from feeling bad, not you.

 

The only thing I want to say and I believe it, if you really managed to get into her heart, treated her in a well mannered way and offered her numerous exciting moments including the intimate ones and you were a gentleman until the very bitter end, she will realize her mistake sooner or later.

 

But it doesn't mean she will come back to you asking for reconciliation. Imagine how guilty she will feels when she realizes she was wrong. She will have lost face to herself, right?

She must be brave enough, without an inflated ego to do that extra step of reaching out and telling you frankly what a big mistake was leaving.

 

So, if I was you, I wouldn't rely on the "amazing bond" you have, but on the qualities (like the ones I described above) of the person you gave your all man..

 

I feel you and I hope you find peace soon

[Sohra]

Hey!

 

I've just posted an update to my thread which I made a couple of months ago.

It's time for my bed just now but if you find it under my name I think that it would be a really valuable read for you, this is IDENTICAL to what happened to me.

 

<3