Need on an awkward scenario...

[rgm82]

*Title should read "Need ADVICE on awkward scenario"...can't edit titles?

 

Hi guys,

First time poster here, never really reached out for dating advice online, but I've run into a new and frustrating scenario and I'm not really sure what my next move should be...here's the short(ish) version:

 

I'd been seeing this girl for a little over a month, we met on a work project (we're both freelancers). Pretty casual, but we got on pretty well. Initially she was more into me than I with her and the whole time I'm sort of on the fence about whether or not I want to keep things going, but I'd figured if either one of us decided to call it quits we'd at least wind up being friends since we got along so well.

 

We're texting and flirting pretty regularly when she wraps up her latest project, and I text her assuming that now she's not so busy anymore we'll hang out soon. Out of the blue she stops texting me. I wait a few days and try again, then again...eventually she texts back saying she was having phone trouble. Fine. Then she says she can't hang out because she's going out of town. Fine. Then she can't hang out because she picked up another job and is staying out of town for a bit. Fine. The texts are coming less and less frequently, sometimes she doesn't respond at all and she always has an excuse for not being able to hang out.

 

I'm not stupid, I see the writing on the wall, she's probably no longer interested and I'm not super upset because like I said, I was only half into it in the first place. Normally in this scenario I just say screw it and stop texting her entirely, move on. The catch: She still has my sweat shirt. It's a very nice sweat shirt and it was a gift from someone important to me and I want it back. I let her borrow it because we were on a date and she was cold and I'm a gentleman and at the time it seemed a sure thing we'd see each other again, at least as friends if nothing else. At this point I've stopped texting her in a dating or even basic social context and instead sent her a text reminding her she had my shirt and politely asking when it would be convenient to get it back...no response, that was days ago.

 

I've honestly never been in this scenario before where a girl who was at one point super into me winds up with my personal **** and won't give it back via refusing to even acknowledge my existence. I don't want to have to start being an a-hole about it but I'm absolutely not letting her keep my favorite sweatshirt that has sentimental value. She's already ignored my last several texts which is getting to be a bit infuriating, what should my next move be? How long do I keep forcing myself to be polite? How many more times do I let her ignore me before I start being a jerk about it? I really don't know what to say in my next text to her, I think she's being really rude and inconsiderate and I'm losing patience but on the other hand I don't want to antagonize her too much and risk never seeing my beloved sweat shirt again...how do I handle this?

[random5thave]

This is a very hard one to deal with, honestly. I would have said you should stop being polite about the whole thing but since she's not even responding to your text, I don't even know what to say. Do you share close friends or can you accidentally bump into her? You need to get your stuff back for sure

[Lorenza]

Damn, tough one. I'd drop the politeness and tell her to give your belonging back asap, tell her you're not using it as an excuse to meet her again and that she can leave the sweater in some public locker (if you have such that can be opened by a code) or mail it (tell her you'll pay the expenses) or some kind of storage where you can claim it. Explain the emotional value of it and that she has no right to keep it. Definitely emphasize that you aren't trying to meet her.

[Lorenza]

I'd write something like:

 

Hi Name.

I need to get back the sweater you borrowed from me. It has a sentimental value for me and I didn't mean to give it away. If you can't meet, leave it in an [a suggestion how to give it back without meeting]. Remember, that keeping someone's belonging is theft. Hope we will come to an agreement.

Regards, Name2

[BaileyB]

I don't even know why she would want to keep your shirt. It's not like it has sentimental value for her. I just don't get it at all... Strange.

[Toodaloo]

Go round to her house knock on the door say "I have come to get my sweatshirt" wait at the door while she fetches it. Say "thanks see you around" then walk away.

 

Simples.

[joseb]

If you sweatshirt has such sentimental value, then don't give it to people!!!!

Something that sentimental, I wouldn't even wear out.

 

Are you sure you need it back that much, or are you just pissed off she is rejecting you?

 

If you really want it back, call her and tell her, calmy.

 

She probably thinks that you are just using it as leverage to get to talk to her, make sure she knows you just want the shirt and don't want to hang out or anything.

[rgm82]

@ random5thave, yes we share friends and we're in the same line of work, I'm sure we'll see each other again at some point...more on this point below

 

@ Lorenza, well...I actually am hoping to meet her. It might be a very brief meeting, but I think it's imperative that I see her again. Like I said, we're in a the same line of work, we'll see each other again, probably in a professional setting...if so and this is how things are left that's going to make for a very socially uncomfortable scenario, especially if she still has my sweatshirt at that point. She has to know this, which is why I truly don't understand why she thinks treating me this way and not being mature about it is OK. But if there's any hope for things to be worked out and set straight, I feel a professional obligation to do so.

 

Of course, I'd also really like to personally know what's up with the way she's been treating me. Like I said, I was only half into the idea of dating her...she was cute but I just didn't find her super attractive. But we had so much in common and she seemed so nice, I really, really thought we were going to be friends. I'm honestly shocked at this, not that she doesn't want to date anymore and expressed it by blowing me off, women pull that **** all the time...no, I'm surprised that she's apparently willing to throw any possibility for a friendship away as well, or even a basically civil relationship for that matter knowing that we're going to run into each other again at some point.

 

@ BaileyB, well it is a great sweatshirt and she liked it a lot...when I initially gave it to her she was like "oh, you are so not getting this back", I thought she was jokingly using the sweatshirt as a flimsy insurance policy to make sure I would call her again. At the time I thought it was cute and allowed it...who knew? Still surprised though, she really doesn't seem the type and the logic part of my brain is having a really hard time with the whole thing. I don't know, I may be delusional but...we had such a strong connection, not much of a romantic one obviously but just on a personal level, I really thought we had an understanding and a mutual respect for each other. I really just can't believe she randomly decided she didn't give a crap and was going to just blow me off and keep my stuff, the logic part of my brain tells me she has to have a good excuse...and I'm going to feel really bad if I'm a jerk about it and she's like "sorry, my dad had a stroke" or something. I know that's a long shot, but all my social learning up to this point tells me she's a decent person who wouldn't just do something like this, the person I got to know would at the very least respectfully return my possessions.

 

...anyway...I last texted her Sunday, today's tuesday...I'm thinking I'll give it one more day and tomorrow I'll follow up and start being more firm about it I guess. Or should I send one more polite one today before I start being a jerk about it tomorrow? Thoughts?

[rgm82]

@ Toodaloo, yeah, I've thought about that, but I'm saving it as a last resort, still like to handle things civilly if I can...she also happens to live at the corner of a prominent intersection that I drive through all the time, I haven't seen her home yet, she might still be out of town for work.

 

@ joseb I'm in a very uncommon scenario that most people don't have a context for, let me explain a little further because there's another layer to this than just a standard dating thing...first off, I'm not pissed off she rejected me, I'm mild to moderately disappointed she rejected me. I am however pissed off she's treating me like crap after all we've been through and I want an explanation. "All we've been through?" you say, "but you've only been dating a month!"...I know, I know, but here's that extra layer:

 

We both work in film production and met on a movie...working on a project with someone can be a hell of a bonding experience, and we've done two consecutively now which led me to trust her as a person. You think you get to know someone when you're with them 12 hours a day for a month in sometimes awful conditions, one month with someone on a terrible production is like 6 in real life...by the end of it you either hate the person or you're friends for life. This is where we were when we decided to give dating a shot. And then we wound up doing another movie together. And at the end of that one we were apparently nothing. Dating is one thing, set hookups happen and then promptly fizzle, that's crew life...but treating fellow crew like this beyond the show-mance is effin' lame. There's a culture and a community there, and not unlike the military, certain behavioral codes that we follow. Film sets can be rough, we live and die by what's in our back packs...we also try to take care of one another with the understanding that our stuff will be respected and the favor one day returned...it's raining and you forgot your rain coat? I'm mostly working in the truck today, borrow mine...tomorrow when I forget my sunscreen you'll hook me up. There's an understanding with that kind of thing, so it's not that wild an idea for me to lend her my prized sweatshirt (prized partially for the sentimental value, but also because it's the warmest, most comfortable, best doing-hard-work-while-wearing-it sweatshirt I've ever owned and it's my #1 go-to on every cold night shoot) when she was in need. And it's also not entirely unreasonable for me to trust her to graciously return it upon deciding she was no longer interested romantically because this isn't simply a boy/girl issue, this is also crew thing...that's my gear, that's part of my set kit and you just don't mess with someone else's set kit. And she has to know that, because she might have wound up being a lousy girlfriend but she was a solid fellow crew member, which is why I don't get it, it's so infuriatingly perplexing to be dicked around by someone I went through so much with. We only dated for a month, yes...but seperate from dating I also saw her all day every day for several months and we hung out constantly on set and helped each other and had each other's backs and whatever...it's bull****.

[VeveCakes]

If you sweatshirt has such sentimental value, then don't give it to people!!!!

Something that sentimental, I wouldn't even wear out.

 

Are you sure you need it back that much, or are you just pissed off she is rejecting you?

 

If you really want it back, call her and tell her, calmy.

 

She probably thinks that you are just using it as leverage to get to talk to her, make sure she knows you just want the shirt and don't want to hang out or anything.

 

Are you kidding me, she has his stuff...don't blame him because she's a thief.

[joseb]

Are you kidding me, she has his stuff...don't blame him because she's a thief.

 

I'm not blaming, just exploring that possibility. I know I've had things like that used as leverage before, and it wasn't about the things.

 

And a thief is a bit harsh, he gave it to her.

 

But, yes of course she needs to return it.

[joseb]

@ Toodaloo, yeah, I've thought about that, but I'm saving it as a last resort, still like to handle things civilly if I can...she also happens to live at the corner of a prominent intersection that I drive through all the time, I haven't seen her home yet, she might still be out of town for work.

 

@ joseb I'm in a very uncommon scenario that most people don't have a context for, let me explain a little further because there's another layer to this than just a standard dating thing...first off, I'm not pissed off she rejected me, I'm mild to moderately disappointed she rejected me. I am however pissed off she's treating me like crap after all we've been through and I want an explanation. "All we've been through?" you say, "but you've only been dating a month!"...I know, I know, but here's that extra layer:

 

We both work in film production and met on a movie...working on a project with someone can be a hell of a bonding experience, and we've done two consecutively now which led me to trust her as a person. You think you get to know someone when you're with them 12 hours a day for a month in sometimes awful conditions, one month with someone on a terrible production is like 6 in real life...by the end of it you either hate the person or you're friends for life. This is where we were when we decided to give dating a shot. And then we wound up doing another movie together. And at the end of that one we were apparently nothing. Dating is one thing, set hookups happen and then promptly fizzle, that's crew life...but treating fellow crew like this beyond the show-mance is effin' lame. There's a culture and a community there, and not unlike the military, certain behavioral codes that we follow. Film sets can be rough, we live and die by what's in our back packs...we also try to take care of one another with the understanding that our stuff will be respected and the favor one day returned...it's raining and you forgot your rain coat? I'm mostly working in the truck today, borrow mine...tomorrow when I forget my sunscreen you'll hook me up. There's an understanding with that kind of thing, so it's not that wild an idea for me to lend her my prized sweatshirt (prized partially for the sentimental value, but also because it's the warmest, most comfortable, best doing-hard-work-while-wearing-it sweatshirt I've ever owned and it's my #1 go-to on every cold night shoot) when she was in need. And it's also not entirely unreasonable for me to trust her to graciously return it upon deciding she was no longer interested romantically because this isn't simply a boy/girl issue, this is also crew thing...that's my gear, that's part of my set kit and you just don't mess with someone else's set kit. And she has to know that, because she might have wound up being a lousy girlfriend but she was a solid fellow crew member, which is why I don't get it, it's so infuriatingly perplexing to be dicked around by someone I went through so much with. We only dated for a month, yes...but seperate from dating I also saw her all day every day for several months and we hung out constantly on set and helped each other and had each other's backs and whatever...it's bull****.

 

Thanks OP, that does explain everything better, and why you might be peeved. I thought you seemed overly invested but makes more sense now.

 

Your work sounds cool - I like the camaraderie of it all.

 

OK, so sounds like she is being a bit of a b1tch - has she totally ignored all your messages? Are you certain she is getting them? Why not call?

 

Stuff changes when people date though. And things become awkward, especially when one person no longer wants to keep dating.

 

That is why I never, ever date work people.

 

So although I can see why she might want to stop communicating, she does owe you the shirt back - just focus on that and ensure she returns it, forget about all the other stuff, cause she is not interested for whatever reason (she might not even know) so just let it go.

[rgm82]

Thanks OP, that does explain everything better, and why you might be peeved. I thought you seemed overly invested but makes more sense now.

 

Your work sounds cool - I like the camaraderie of it all.

 

OK, so sounds like she is being a bit of a b1tch - has she totally ignored all your messages? Are you certain she is getting them? Why not call?

 

Stuff changes when people date though. And things become awkward, especially when one person no longer wants to keep dating.

 

That is why I never, ever date work people.

 

So although I can see why she might want to stop communicating, she does owe you the shirt back - just focus on that and ensure she returns it, forget about all the other stuff, cause she is not interested for whatever reason (she might not even know) so just let it go.

 

She hasn't ignored all of them, but she ignores some of them and on the ones she doesn't she takes days to respond where she used to take hours or even minutes. And you know, she's always friendly enough when she does eventually text me back...if she texts me back...but at this point it's been a day shy of a week since I've heard from and I've sent her a couple since then, including two about just wanting my shirt back.

 

I hear you on not dating in the work place, it's always a pain in the ass...but for those of us in film when you work the lifestyle we do that might mean you never get laid. It's always a tough call and I never hit on people I work with, but when a cute set girl asks me out I always give it a chance even though I always regret it...but sometimes it's either that or wait another year to get a shot at another "real world" girl.

 

Anyway, I just sent her this, I couldn't resist:

blob:https%3A//mail.google.com/febab917-1792-4847-81d2-29e6bf9e001d

 

...we'll see what she says.

[rgm82]

...nuts, guess it's not going to let me insert that picture...oh well, it was pretty funny.