In need of an unbiased male perspective

[joycemama]

Just a bit of background. My significant other and I have been dating for a year and a half. I'm 37 years old, and he's 38. We are each divorced. He has two boys and two girls from his marriage, and I have 2 boys and four girls from mine. Three of my oldest are out on their own, but I do share custody of my three youngest daughters with my ex (every other week with me and the same with my ex). My youngest daughters are 17, 15 and 9.

 

We decided to move in together three months ago, so my three daughters spend two weeks out of the month with us. My issue is that whenever my 17 year old daughter is in the vicinity, my boyfriend's body language seems to change and he is always more concerned with his appearance. He seems to take more of an interest in her when he inquires about my girls, their schedules for the week, etc. He isn't overtly friendly with her, actually the opposite in that he doesn't talk to her much at all the way he does my other children.

 

I'm not sure I would have even picked up on these things at this point because it is all so subtle, but about 3 months into the relationship, I introduced him to all of my children and started to pick up on a few things. He would offer to drive her to work/friends houses if I was unable (he did this with the others also, but didn't jump in and offer nearly as often with the others) He commented to me that his daughter thought my 17 year old was the prettiest of all of my daughters, and I found that a very odd thing to come out and mention to me. One night he stayed over at my place and I went to bed early because I wasn't feeling well. I woke up around 1 am and he was pulling in the driveway with my 17 year old. Apparently she had asked him to drive her to a friend's house (she wasn't quite 16 at the time) and he just did it without checking with me. She has a curfew and it's 11 pm unless it's a special occasion.

 

So, I have closely watched his interaction with her since several months into the relationship, and I suppose what I need to know is, from a male perspective, what do I make of his reaction/response to my daughter? There are other things that come up now and then, things he says or does that don't sit just right with me, and I'm wondering if I'm just overthinking, or if I have reason to worry.

 

I will say that I don't believe he would in a million years force himself on any of my daughters, including my 17 year old. It is what he's thinking/what's going on in his head that bothers me so much that it's become horrible for me when my daughter stays with me. I've considered ending the relationship because of this, and I only hesitate because other than this concern, he is a truly amazing man.

[kidm]

So you think your 37 year old boyfriend at the very least has a crush on your daughter. I have one word: RUN. I find several of the actions you described suspect including:

 

He commented to me that his daughter thought my 17 year old was the prettiest of all of my daughters

 

One night he stayed over at my place and I went to bed early because I wasn't feeling well. I woke up around 1 am and he was pulling in the driveway with my 17 year old. Apparently she had asked him to drive her to a friend's house (she wasn't quite 16 at the time) and he just did it without checking with me. She has a curfew and it's 11 pm unless it's a special occasion.

 

In this case, I will refer you you to the old adage- where there's smoke, there's fire.

[TheBathWater]

You seem to be suggesting that he is sexually interested in your daughter. I cannot validate or invalidate that suggestion for you. Here are some interesting questions for you: Are you jealous of your daughter's appearance? Is she really "the prettiest?" Do you feel threatened by their relationship? You need to be honest with yourself about these kind of questions, because you may be projecting fear and insecurity into the situation.

 

It's hard to say whether or not he feels something sexual for her. If so, his comment about what his daughter said may have been strange, but it could also be your own 'stuff' misinterpreting it. I'm not there to see his body language, so I'm not sure what to make of that either. He may be having an instinct reaction out of his own insecurity to straighten up in her presence because he cares about validation from attractive women. That doesn't mean he is conscious of it or that he wants to have a relationship with her. Thoughts and behavioral actions are different.

 

Reading all of the above, I understand I sound like I'm defending him. I'm not. Let's be clear on something. If he makes any advances on her that either you see or she confides to you, that is totally unacceptable. I'm trying to encourage you to reflect more broadly before honing in and potentially misinterpreting something that may have more going on to it. To me, these examples aren't that much to go off, but obviously you are bothered by it. That's still a concern either way, and something to think more about.

 

Only you are there and only you can have a better assessment of his character and your feelings. I think you're doing a good thing by thinking about it before acting on it.

[joycemama]

You seem to be suggesting that he is sexually interested in your daughter. I cannot validate or invalidate that suggestion for you. Here are some interesting questions for you: Are you jealous of your daughter's appearance? Is she really "the prettiest?" Do you feel threatened by their relationship? You need to be honest with yourself about these kind of questions, because you may be projecting fear and insecurity into the situation.

 

It's hard to say whether or not he feels something sexual for her. If so, his comment about what his daughter said may have been strange, but it could also be your own 'stuff' misinterpreting it. I'm not there to see his body language, so I'm not sure what to make of that either. He may be having an instinct reaction out of his own insecurity to straighten up in her presence because he cares about validation from attractive women. That doesn't mean he is conscious of it or that he wants to have a relationship with her. Thoughts and behavioral actions are different.

 

Reading all of the above, I understand I sound like I'm defending him. I'm not. Let's be clear on something. If he makes any advances on her that either you see or she confides to you, that is totally unacceptable. I'm trying to encourage you to reflect more broadly before honing in and potentially misinterpreting something that may have more going on to it. To me, these examples aren't that much to go off, but obviously you are bothered by it. That's still a concern either way, and something to think more about.

 

Only you are there and only you can have a better assessment of his character and your feelings. I think you're doing a good thing by thinking about it before acting on it.

 

 

This is exactly the kind of perspective I was hoping to receive when I posted this. To answer your questions, no, I am not jealous of my daughter's appearance. I'm always told that I look like I'm in my mid to late twenties, and honestly, my daughter is just a younger version of me. I think if anything, I envy her youth. My boyfriend didn't have the opportunity to know me when I was that age and grow with me through the years, so instead of appreciating the way that I've aged, he gets the thirty-something year old version of me.

 

My daughters all look very much alike, so it's difficult to say which one is the prettiest, but the comment about her beauty just seemed out of place at the time that it was mentioned, and not really something I would expect to have singled out about one specific daughter. He has two sons, one of which is 17 and from the perspective of a teenager, I'm sure he would be considered very attractive, but I have never thought of him that way, and would certainly never mention it to his father if I did think it.

 

You did hit the nail on the head as far as his need for validation from other women. I'm not sure what happened to his self esteem over the years, but I noticed this about him early on, and have been diligent to tell him/show him often how attractive I think he is. It doesn't bother me much when it's the random lady out in public that he acts all stupid around (although it is usually the young ones--late teens to early twenties that his radar seems to pick up the most.), but it's different with my daughter, since she is a permanent part of my life.

 

My daughters would definitely tell me if anything was to happen. I also should mention that my anxiety over this has gone up dramatically since I started a job that has me working away from home 2 full days and nights out of the week, and he is home with my girls on his own.

[katiegrl]

 

My issue is that whenever my 17 year old daughter is in the vicinity, my boyfriend's body language seems to change and he is always more concerned with his appearance. He seems to take more of an interest in her when he inquires about my girls, their schedules for the week, etc.

 

Don't ignore that! That is huge and would definitely raise red flags for me....

 

Unless you are imagining things.... combined with everything else you mentioned, yes I do believe your bf feels an attraction towards your daughter and may (probably) sexually fantasizes about her as well.... whether he steps over that line is anyone's guess, you know him better than any of us.

 

I wouldn't be okay with that, in fact I would feel REAL uncomfortable with that, I wonder how your daughter feels?

 

It wouldn't be the first time a young girl fell for her mom's boyfriend or at least started crushing on him.

 

How is her relationship with her own dad?

[Boomerangmagnet]

I'm a guy that has dated a woman with three daughters. The oldest at the time was 17 who lived with her father, but would come visit regularly. The other one was 15 and lived out of state, The youngest was 6 and lived full time at her house, where I also resided.

 

I made damn sure that there were no misunderstandings regarding my relationships with her kids. The oldest girl was pretty like her Mom. I never said anything about it besides she looks just like you! I wanted Mom only. The thought of him driving her around at forbidden hours would raise concerns for me. Your house your rules, regardless of what else might be going on.

[joycemama]

Don't ignore that! That is huge and would definitely raise red flags for me....

 

Unless you are imagining things.... combined with everything else you mentioned, yes I do believe your bf feels an attraction towards your daughter and may (probably) sexually fantasizes about her as well.... whether he steps over that line is anyone's guess, you know him better than any of us.

 

I wouldn't be okay with that, in fact I would feel REAL uncomfortable with that, I wonder how your daughter feels?

 

It wouldn't be the first time a young girl fell for her mom's boyfriend or at least started crushing on him.

 

How is her relationship with her own dad?

 

This is a huge concern of mine, what is going on in his head about her. I've mentioned this to him and he said that he was hurt that I would think that way about him and that he would never think of my daughters in any way other than a child.

 

I have had this fear also, that because my boyfriend is such a kind and positive man (exactly the opposite of her father, who is angry and negative and not been a good father figure at all) that my daughter might sense his interest in her and develop a crush as well.

 

It sounds like something so out of the realm of normal that I have felt guilty even letting my mind wander to these possibilities, but I haven't been able to shake these concerns and it's driving me crazy. And it seems that it could be something as innocent as the above poster mentioned, that he needs the validation, or my worst fear, that there is an actual attraction that might grow into something more on his/her part, with the two living in close proximity.

[todreaminblue]

I am a single mum with three daughters...and this is one of my concerns as a parent when i meet a guy...all my daughters are beautiful in my eyes....my youngest is seventeen...my oldest daughter is 21...

 

the comment about who he thought was most beautiful...maybe a comment that wasnt necessary a bit foot in mouth.......but not as worrying as you waking up at 1 am and having your daughter and him drive in the drive way when her curfew is 11 pm....

 

 

there needs to be a conversation and communication on what you dont like or like..... what makes you uncomfortable for sure......

 

it could be totally innocent and theres no use jumping to conclusions when you dont know the whole story or reasoning.....

 

for starters though what isnt innocent and a little worrying is your daughter defied the curfew..i am assuming she waited till you feel asleep to make her move.........that needs to be said...you were unaware she was out......and i know that you said that your daughter will tell you everything.....but this daughter.......was out defying curfew...waiting till you fall asleep to get out..how did you deal with this? maybe she said dont wake mum...maybe she begged him not too.....you just dont know.....until you ask ....have a family counsel on what is acceptable and what is not.....be honest to promote honesty.....

 

dont delay talking to this guy about what you feel and what you desire as a parent in regards to your daughters.........make time to do exactly this...communication....rules....are needed to be known......make it clear to your daughter....that her defying curfew is unacceptable...with or without being picked up by your bf....talk to them seperately on sensitive issues that your bf would obviously prefer done in private ...then talk to them together.....insert your authority....and follow your instincts....they dont know the boundaries.your daughter....or your bf..unless you make those boundaries known and crystal clear..best wishes......deb

[joycemama]

I am a single mum with three daughters...and this is one of my concerns as a parent when i meet a guy...all my daughters are beautiful in my eyes....my youngest is seventeen...my oldest daughter is 21...

 

the comment about who he thought was most beautiful...maybe a comment that wasnt necessary a bit foot in mouth.......but not as worrying as you waking up at 1 am and having your daughter and him drive in the drive way when her curfew is 11 pm....

 

 

there needs to be a conversation and communication on what you dont like or like..... what makes you uncomfortable for sure......

 

it could be totally innocent and theres no use jumping to conclusions when you dont know the whole story or reasoning.....

 

for starters though what isnt innocent and a little worrying is your daughter defied the curfew..i am assuming she waited till you feel asleep to make her move.........that needs to be said...you were unaware she was out......and i know that you said that your daughter will tell you everything.....but this daughter.......was out defying curfew...waiting till you fall asleep to get out..how did you deal with this? maybe she said dont wake mum...maybe she begged him not too.....you just dont know.....until you ask ....have a family counsel on what is acceptable and what is not.....be honest to promote honesty.....

 

dont delay talking to this guy about what you feel and what you desire as a parent in regards to your daughters.........make time to do exactly this...communication....rules....are needed to be known......make it clear to your daughter....that her defying curfew is unacceptable...with or without being picked up by your bf....talk to them seperately on sensitive issues that your bf would obviously prefer done in private ...then talk to them together.....insert your authority....and follow your instincts....they dont know the boundaries.your daughter....or your bf..unless you make those boundaries known and crystal clear..best wishes......deb

 

The curfew violation happened over a year ago, and the way I handled it was flipping out (not the best response, I realize) and telling him that he was never to drive my daughters anywhere without asking me first. I haven't been able to get that out of my mind, though, why he would do something like that without asking me. As a parent of children the same ages as mine, he should have been more concerned with my feelings. I even posed that question to him, how he would feel if his exwife's boyfriend did the same with his then 18 year old daughter.

[kgcolonel]

I see this as MAJOR RED FLAGS. Your job as a mother is to protect your children. I don't want to make accusations based on a few paragraphs written here however you seemed to have picked up on something and if you feel something here, please act on the side of safety for your daughters. Take the steps for their protection. Read up on topics regarding the challenges of blending families and where the dangers are regarding BF's and young ladies not related to the BF.

 

I may get shot for these comments but better me be criticized than to ignore a chance to project a young lady.

[todreaminblue]

The curfew violation happened over a year ago, and the way I handled it was flipping out (not the best response, I realize) and telling him that he was never to drive my daughters anywhere without asking me first. I haven't been able to get that out of my mind, though, why he would do something like that without asking me. As a parent of children the same ages as mine, he should have been more concerned with my feelings. I even posed that question to him, how he would feel if his exwife's boyfriend did the same with his then 18 year old daughter.

 

 

so since that violation...where you flipped out(understandable) your bf seems to treat your 17 year old differently....takes more care with how he looks..doesnt speak to her as much......do you think in part that could be because he actually sensed what you were feeling...that the care of appearance could be a modesty thing...and he now feel uncomfortable interacting with her because he senses your radar is clicking...so hence...talks to her less even looks at her less...to avoid confrontation or trying to prevent you feeling en guarde.....it is a possibility as you sayhe is an amazing man otherwise..talk to him...i feel its warranted....for his peace of mind...and your own....be open with him......deb

 

 

i really feel you should talk to him privately...........

Edited June 14, 2016 by todreaminblue

[Dis]

You mentioned you know your daughters would tell you if anything were to "happen"

 

There is no way you can unequivocally assume that

 

If god forbid something were to happen, theres a chance your daughter may feel ashamed or guilty (as if shes done something wrong) and chose not to tell you

 

Never say never

 

From what you described I get the feeling there are inappropriate thoughts going on in your bf's mind.

 

If you have a uneasy gut feeling....theres a reason for it.

 

You're intuition is trying to tell you something

[neowulf]

Keep in mind that 90% of all sexual assaults is committed by someone the victim knew.

 

Taking a "special interest" in your 17 year old daughter would be raising a red flag for me, absolutely.

 

It's one thing to try and build a good relationship with your partner's children. It's quite another to agree to drive them out to a friends at some ungodly hour without their parents permission.

 

Talk with your daughter. See how she feels, ask if he's every said anything or acted in anyway that made her uncomfortable. Don't ignore your instincts.

[sc0316]

OP: Did you confirm with the friend that your daughter was indeed at the friend's place until after midnight?

 

I find the part about your bf's needing validation from young girls in their late teens to early twenties a little creepy.

[katiegrl]

so since that violation...where you flipped out(understandable) your bf seems to treat your 17 year old differently....takes more care with how he looks..doesnt speak to her as much......do you think in part that could be because he actually sensed what you were feeling...that the care of appearance could be a modesty thing...and he now feel uncomfortable interacting with her because he senses your radar is clicking...so hence...talks to her less even looks at her less...to avoid confrontation or trying to prevent you feeling en guarde.....it is a possibility as you sayhe is an amazing man otherwise..talk to him...i feel its warranted....for his peace of mind...and your own....be open with him......deb

 

 

i really feel you should talk to him privately...........

 

todream ....I have the utmost respect for you, but she can talk to him until hell freezes over, if he has an attraction to her daughter, her talking to him is not going to change that.

 

And I wouldn't expect him to admit it either -- he will only become defensive and perhaps even flip it back on her for being insecure or whatever.

 

OP.....follow your gut!!

 

There are many red flags here that would indicate, at the very least, he feels an attraction.

 

I am NOT suggesting he will act on that.... but when you notice his entire body language changing and him being more concerned with his appearance when she's around, combined with the curfew situation, among other things, you can't ignore that.

 

I mean she's a beautiful 17 year old young girl. Why wouldn't he be attracted to her? Most men, young, old and in between would be.

 

And if her RL with her dad is troubled, it's very possible her attention is feeding his attraction.

 

But most men in his situation (dating the mom) know what boundaries are and would not even be entertaining these thoughts. Sprucing themselves up in her presence...changing body language and then again the curfew situation.

 

I don't know what you could say if you talk to him, again he will only deny.

 

Obviously if he is thinking about stepping over boundaries even more than he has been.... he is certainly not going to admit that to you.... or anyone.

 

These are his feelings and he will keep them to himself.

 

Just pay attention to his actions and if you continue to see red flags, if not for you, for the sake of your daughter and her safety (physical and emotional), walk away.

 

Just my $.02 but looking at it objectively, this does not look good.

 

Frankly his behavior would creep me out.

Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[joycemama]

Keep in mind that 90% of all sexual assaults is committed by someone the victim knew.

 

Taking a "special interest" in your 17 year old daughter would be raising a red flag for me, absolutely.

 

It's one thing to try and build a good relationship with your partner's children. It's quite another to agree to drive them out to a friends at some ungodly hour without their parents permission.

 

Talk with your daughter. See how she feels, ask if he's every said anything or acted in anyway that made her uncomfortable. Don't ignore your instincts.

 

I've taken numerous opportunities to insert questions into conversation that would give me a read on how comfortable/uncomfortable my daughters feel around my boyfriend, without actually coming out and asking them. They all say that he's nice and they appear to like him well enough.

 

When I say that I can't see my boyfriend acting on any inappropriate thoughts, it isn't because I'm unaware of how people can present themselves as pure and wonderful and be instead be hiding something completely nefarious. It's mainly because, if he did have this sick attraction to my teenage daughter, I don't know that he could act on it himself without any kind of persuasion from her, because he is a pretty reserved man.

[joycemama]

Considering teenagers and young twenty-somethings are the ones that attract the most attention from men, is it even possible to be in a relationship with a man when you have beautiful daughters, and not have him only look at them the way he would his own daughters? After all, every young woman is someone's daughter.

[joycemama]

OP: Did you confirm with the friend that your daughter was indeed at the friend's place until after midnight?

 

I find the part about your bf's needing validation from young girls in their late teens to early twenties a little creepy.

 

Unfortunately, I didn't confirm this information. My daughter said she was dropped off at a certain time (can't remember what time she said as it was so long ago) and that she asked him to pick her up a couple hours later. It had to have been close to her curfew when he even got out to take her. Still bothers me to this day, but there hasn't been another incident like this since. (that I'm aware of)

[frus69]

Considering teenagers and young twenty-somethings are the ones that attract the most attention from men, is it even possible to be in a relationship with a man when you have beautiful daughters, and not have him only look at them the way he would his own daughters? After all, every young woman is someone's daughter.

 

Most men will find young women attractive but doesn't mean they will be attracted to them

It's pretty sick to be attracted to an underaged girl imo. I don't know how you can keep seeing him with these feelings inside?

[katiegrl]

Most men will find young women attractive but doesn't mean they will be attracted to them

It's pretty sick to be attracted to an underaged girl imo. I don't know how you can keep seeing him with these feelings inside?

 

I agree with this and in my earlier post, when I said she's a beautiful 17 year old girl and what man wouldn't be attracted, I meant find her pretty and attractive.

 

He can certainly think she is pretty (just like my dad thought I was pretty), but NOT entertain thoughts such that he is sprucing up his appearance and picking her up after curfew without telling you, etc....

 

This would be a big turn off for me.... and honestly, I would feel embarrassed for him... I mean he is 38 years old for heaven's sake, he needs to get a grip.

 

Frankly, this would kill any prior attraction I had for him! Next.

 

Creepy!

Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl

[joycemama]

I agree with this and in my earlier post, when I said she's a beautiful 17 year old girl and what man wouldn't be attracted, I meant find her pretty and attractive.

 

He can certainly think she is pretty (just like my dad thought I was pretty), but NOT entertain thoughts such that he is sprucing up his appearance and picking her up after curfew without telling you, etc....

 

This would be a big turn off for me.... and honestly, I would feel embarrassed for him... I mean he is 38 years old for heaven's sake, he needs to get a grip.

 

Frankly, this would kill any prior attraction I had for him! Next.

 

Creepy!

 

To clarify my comment about my bf paying more attention to his appearance when my daughter is around, I mean things like spraying on a bit more cologne when before (she may have been at work earlier and just getting home) he went all day with that morning's spray of cologne. Or she walks in the door or the room and he runs his hand through his hair to fix it, sits up a bit straighter, etc. I feel so lame even noticing these things, and it's possible that he does them even when she's not around and I don't pay as close attention then. Because let's face it, this kind of attention to the actions of my bf is obsessive, and I can't believe that I have gotten to the point where my inner peace is non existent because of it.

 

The suspicion that he could have an attraction for my daughter is a huge turn off for me. We rarely ever have any type of conflict, but when we do, it is always triggered by this concern.

[tndawg]

As a man who has worked for years with families, I can understand your concerns. It seems as if you have taken the time and the thought to evaluate what is going on and your data is pretty convincing. Do you think it would be wise to ask him to leave? You even mentioned that you have thought about this. Is it worth the risk to your daughter? This may seem harsh, but putting your daughter in a situation where she could be coerced or influenced negatively is not worth the risk.

[Mikau]

On one hand I think being attracted to a 17 year old isn't necessarily cause for concern. In fact, men are biologically wired to be attracted to girls/women that age. How a person chooses to act on this (or any) attraction is what really matters.

 

That said, your first priority should always be the safety of your children. Regardless of whether or not this is benign (with everything you've posted, I'm not sure at all), is this really a risk you want to take?

[katiegrl]

On one hand I think being attracted to a 17 year old isn't necessarily cause for concern. In fact, men are biologically wired to be attracted to girls/women that age. How a person chooses to act on this (or any) attraction is what really matters.

 

That said, your first priority should always be the safety of your children. Regardless of whether or not this is benign (with everything you've posted, I'm not sure at all), is this really a risk you want to take?

 

He sort of IS acting on it though. Not sexually.. but by paying special attention to his appearance in her presence, picking her up late at night without mom's knowledge.... little things but he is still acting on it.

[oldshirt]

Him driving her around after her curfew without your knowledge and consent was in and of it's self clearly inappropriate and unacceptable. He has no right to circumvent your authority or ground rules or discipline with your children.

 

 

This would be true even if your child was a boy.