My Ex Wants to See Me!

[katiegrl]

As some of you already know, late last year I ended my LTR (and engagement) with my boyfriend of six years due to his drug addiction, promising rehab and then reneging and continued using.

 

See my previous thread (one of them).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/562516-relationship-drug-addiction-break-up

 

Since then, I got a new apt, changed my phone number and have gone complete no contact.

 

For a long time, I was really worried about him, hoped he was okay. Missed (miss) him A LOT.

 

Well long story short, he contacted over the weekend by leaving a message on my office voice mail asking me to please call him back.

 

I have to admit, after six months, I was wanting so bad to talk to him, to find out how he was doing, if he ended up going to rehab and if he's okay.

 

I still love him.

 

I just got off the phone with him (called him during my lunch hour). He picked up (despite being at work) and we talked for about 30 minutes and he wants to take me to dinner to talk more...

 

Said he went to rehab and is totally clean now. Has extricated all the negative people from his life... bad influencers, drug suppliers, etc. said he is done with all of that!!

 

Still loves me, thinks after everything we have gone through, the love is still there and you don't find that every day (if ever!)

 

Said a bunch more stuff but that was the gist of it.

 

I am a bit overwhelmed right now to say the least! I was SO nervous before calling him, my heart was racing, but I did and gotta admit, it was so good to hear his voice and talk to him!

 

I really want to see him...but if he started using again (which is always a possibility I suppose), I honestly don't think I could handle it again. The lying, deception, tore my heart out the first time.... do not want to go there again!

 

So it's about trust.... but from what I have heard, with someone addicted to drugs there is always the chance for relapse.

 

So torn! Can I trust him again? Should I even try? A lot of shyt went down before…. (I have another thread “broke my engagement” that you can find in my history if you’re interested.

 

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated, you guys have been helping me out a lot lately with some other stuff.... so hope you can give me some of your wisdom here.

 

I am incapable of being objective about this since it involves me and do still love him A LOT!

 

Thanks guys!

Edited June 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[kittyxo]

I don't think there is any harm in meeting up with him to catch up and see how everything is.. he can talk a big game over the phone, but you have to see it in person yourself.

 

What do you think? Are you excited that he contacted you? Or are you truly over him and you'd think its pointless

[katiegrl]

I don't think there is any harm in meeting up with him to catch up and see how everything is.. he can talk a big game over the phone, but you have to see it in person yourself.

 

What do you think? Are you excited that he contacted you? Or are you truly over him and you'd think its pointless

 

No I still love him a lot and was actually thrilled he contacted me.

 

I thought I put all that in thread, I meant to!

 

I would love to see him, but afraid if I do, I would fall right back into it, and then if he relapsed, would be right back where I started six months ago when I ended it the first time.

[jen1447]

Can I trust him again?

 

Nope.

 

Should I even try?

 

Nope.

 

I'm not one of those blind advocates of NC and I certainly don't encourage bitterness, but even without the drug issue this would still be doubtful. The past is the past, we move on, and the future becomes the present. If you swing back that way you'll be pretty much going back in time whether he relapses or not. Those days are done, so don't do that. Your life's about the future, whatever that may be.

 

Drug issue - you're very much right about the risks. You'd never be able to trust him fully and it'd be a constant and permanent stress in your life worrying about it. (Not to mention dealing with it if it actually happened.)

 

There's nothing wrong w/genuinely wishing him the best and being a rah-rah fan from a distance in a no-longer-in-your-primary-orbit kind of way, but if you're at all vulnerable - which it sounds like you are - going to see him will only weaken your resolve and let him dig his dysfunctional hooks into you a bit more firmly. Then a little more next time and so on. You get the picture.

 

Just say you're happy for him and you wish him the best but that your paths have already long since split and he has to find his own future now.

 

Also you really need to start dating (other ppl) again.

[katiegrl]

Nope.

 

 

 

Nope.

 

I'm not one of those blind advocates of NC and I certainly don't encourage bitterness, but even without the drug issue this would still be doubtful. The past is the past, we move on, and the future becomes the present. If you swing back that way you'll be pretty much going back in time whether he relapses or not. Those days are done, so don't do that. Your life's about the future, whatever that may be.

 

Drug issue - you're very much right about the risks. You'd never be able to trust him fully and it'd be a constant and permanent stress in your life worrying about it. (Not to mention dealing with it if it actually happened.)

 

There's nothing wrong w/genuinely wishing him the best and being a rah-rah fan from a distance in a no-longer-in-your-primary-orbit kind of way, but if you're at all vulnerable - which it sounds like you are - going to see him will only weaken your resolve and let him dig his dysfunctional hooks into you a bit more firmly. Then a little more next time and so on. You get the picture.

 

Just say you're happy for him and you wish him the best but that your paths have already long since split and he has to find his own future now.

 

Also you really need to start dating (other ppl) again.

 

Thanks jen... I know you are right and if I didn't think so, I would not have even bothered to start this thread in the first place.

 

And I did try dating other people, not sure if you remember my posts about that, but I dated another man for about a month .... but it only caused me to miss my ex more!

[jen1447]

Thanks jen... I know you are right and if I didn't think so, I would not have even bothered to start this thread in the first place.

 

And I did try dating other people, not sure if you remember my posts about that, but I dated another man for about a month .... but it only caused me to miss my ex more!

 

Then date like 10 more ppl.

 

The secret to getting over dopey exes is to realize they're dopey, and the best way to do that is to stop idolizing them, and the best way to do that is to compare and contrast them to other ppl in the real world so that their weaknesses are clearly exposed instead of hidden behind the veil of the dregs of your oxytocin addiction, and the best way to do that is to date. A lot.

[katiegrl]

Then date like 10 more ppl.

 

The secret to getting over dopey exes is to realize they're dopey, and the best way to do that is to stop idolizing them, and the best way to do that is to compare and contrast them to other ppl in the real world so that their weaknesses are clearly exposed instead of hidden behind the veil of the dregs of your oxytocin addiction, and the best way to do that is to date. A lot.

 

I know my friends say the same thing. It's been six months, so guess it's time.

 

Thnx again jen....

[BC1980]

I would say he needs to be clean for at least a year before seeing you again. Most programs recommend that people do not enter into a relationship until they have been clean for a year. Seeing you will probably be too emotional for him. Possibly trying for a relationship would be too emotional for someone who has just been clean for a few months. I'm not saying you will enter into a relationship with him, but he will probably want that.

 

There is always a chance of relapse. That chance is very high in the first year following rehab. I've read that after 5 years clean, the chance of relapse drops. Honestly, you are probably the last person he needs to be around in his first year of sobriety. You don't need to be offering him emotional support right now. That is my opinion.

[katiegrl]

I would say he needs to be clean for at least a year before seeing you again. Most programs recommend that people do not enter into a relationship until they have been clean for a year. Seeing you will probably be too emotional for him. Possibly trying for a relationship would be too emotional for someone who has just been clean for a few months. I'm not saying you will enter into a relationship with him, but he will probably want that.

 

There is always a chance of relapse. That chance is very high in the first year following rehab. I've read that after 5 years clean, the chance of relapse drops. Honestly, you are probably the last person he needs to be around in his first year of sobriety. You don't need to be offering him emotional support right now. That is my opinion.

 

Thanks BC but he called me, remember? He wants to see me.

 

If I saw him, it wouldn't be to give him emotional support. Not any more than I would normally give him anyway.

 

If I saw him, it would be with the hope of rekindling our RL as he has expressed an interest in doing just that, which is why he contacted me.

 

That said thank you for what you posted about the relapsing. I agree with you. It's hard though cuz i still love him.

 

I now wish he had NOT contacted me at all.

[BC1980]

I would love to see him, but afraid if I do, I would fall right back into it, and then if he relapsed, would be right back where I started six months ago when I ended it the first time.

 

I worry that you would fall back into that cycle. You haven't been apart long enough. He hasn't been clean long enough. Being with an addict, people have the tendency to become the enabler or caretaker. Even if that is not your intention, it might happen. You might feel responsible for him. I'm sure you know all about that because you were with him a long time.

[katiegrl]

I worry that you would fall back into that cycle. You haven't been apart long enough. He hasn't been clean long enough. Being with an addict, people have the tendency to become the enabler or caretaker. Even if that is not your intention, it might happen. You might feel responsible for him. I'm sure you know all about that because you were with him a long time.

 

Yes we were together for six years but to my credit I ended the RL relatively quickly after discovering he was heavily involved with meth and coke.

 

I have no desire to be an enabler or caretaker, which is precisely why I ended it.

 

But thank you again, because you are so right. I might start feeling responsible for him and I would always be worried and mistrustful.

 

And as jen said, there were other things too.... so there's that.

Edited June 13, 2016 by katiegrl

[lana-banana]

You said in your old thread that he stopped using shortly before you met, was completely clean for six years and then started again. At his age I'd see that as an enormous (nigh insurmountable) red flag, much moreso than occasional drug use. It suggests his sobriety was only as long as his life was going OK. This guy is totally incapable of coping with stressful life events. What happens the next time there's a death in the family, a car accident, a child, or some other crisis? Do you think he reached out to you because he wanted to rekindle your relationship, or because he just wants you to make his life easier and better?

 

Sorry, Katie, but I don't see this working out well. You can't be a fulfilled partner in a relationship with someone when you're constantly wondering whether he can be trusted.

[katiegrl]

 

This guy is totally incapable of coping with stressful life events. What happens the next time there's a death in the family, a car accident, a child, or some other crisis? Do you think he reached out to you because he wanted to rekindle your relationship, or because he just wants you to make his life easier and better?

 

Sorry, Katie, but I don't see this working out well. You can't be a fulfilled partner in a relationship with someone when you're constantly wondering whether he can be trusted.

 

Thank you LB.. yes I know this too.

 

I guess that is why I started this thread.... because I still love him I am incapable of looking at this objectively. Hearing all this really helps me put things in perspective.

 

And by the way, I did discover that he was actually using (occasionally) throughout our entire RL too. He hid it well.

 

It just got really bad during his mom's illness and while he was caring for her.

 

At times I wonder if her care suffered due to his drug use. She stayed alive for years but then died pretty quickly once under his care.

 

These are the crazy thoughts I have....

 

I need to move on!!!

[jen1447]

Sorry to post-mortem that whole thing katie but did you not particularly notice the meth face? Usually that's very distinctive look.

[katiegrl]

Sorry to post-mortem that whole thing katie but did you not particularly notice the meth face? Usually that's very distinctive look.

 

In retrospect yes.... but honestly I have admitted this previously but I think I must've been living in never-never land because I was completely clueless.

 

There were lots of signs actually. Him talking a mile a minute for one thing. He's always been a bit hyper but sometimes he was off the charts.

 

Then there was his runny nose. It was never a cold, he said it was allergies. And the face, but never put 2 and 2 together because I was completely ignorant about drug addiction.

 

There were many things that I was just completely blind to.... as I said living in nevernever land.

 

Thinking everything was just hunkey dorey.

 

I take full responsibility for that and have learned a lot about addiction and warning signs, etc. since this all happened.

[lana-banana]

So he lied to you regularly for six years and you're asking about meeting and a possible reconciliation? Good lord, Katie. If it were any one of us you'd be telling us off with passive-aggressive "IMOs" and bunny emojis.

 

Seriously though. You're much too smart and capable to be dragged down by this kind of setback. Good on you for recognizing your lack of objectivity. See this for what it is---a well-meaning but futile overture at best, and a blatant manipulation at worst---and decline his invitation. Neither of you are ready for this. You may never be. And that's okay.

[katiegrl]

So he lied to you regularly for six years and you're asking about meeting and a possible reconciliation? Good lord, Katie. If it were any one of us you'd be telling us off with passive-aggressive "IMOs" and bunny emojis.

 

Seriously though. You're much too smart and capable to be dragged down by this kind of setback. Good on you for recognizing your lack of objectivity. See this for what it is---a well-meaning but futile overture at best, and a blatant manipulation at worst---and decline his invitation. Neither of you are ready for this. You may never be. And that's okay.

 

LOL I know.... ironic isn't it.

 

That's why I said I am not able to look at this objectively... because when it involves us (well me), and there is still love there.... it's very difficult to actually see it objectively.

 

Again this thread has really helped me put things in perspective....

 

No I will not being seeing him, that ship has sailed.

 

It's all coming back and no not going down that crazy road again.

 

I am actually glad this happened. It actually took him contacting me and talking to him (and listening to everyone's wise advice) to realize it's time to move on.

 

I think I just might be able to do just that now.... it's OVER.

 

Thanks guys...

 

So which dating sites should I sign up with? EHarmony? Match? lol

[fands]

notice the meth face? Usually that's very distinctive look.

Sometimes an ex is your own personal love zombie.

[katiegrl]

Sometimes an ex is your own personal love zombie.

 

So true!

 

..

[jen1447]

So which dating sites should I sign up with? EHarmony? Match? lol

 

Forget the websites, I'll pick you up at 8.

[katiegrl]

Forget the websites, I'll pick you up at 8.

 

Deal! ;)

[No_Go]

Katiegrl, if your best friend, sister or daughter asked you for advice in your situation, what would you tell her? Be honest with yourself!!

 

Said he went to rehab and is totally clean now. Has extricated all the negative people from his life... bad influencers, drug suppliers, etc. said he is done with all of that!!

 

Still loves me, thinks after everything we have gone through, the love is still there and you don't find that every day (if ever!)

 

My alcoholic ex (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/504300-break-up-live-mooching-boyfriend) told me EXACTLY the same multiple times after our break up. That he's clean, a new man etc. I HAVEN'T met him BUT spoke to him on the phone. Even recently he e-mailed me again, I haven't opened the e-mail though. Guess what? He is still the same old man. His new GF contacted me (I broke up with him Jan 2015, she got together with him few months later and they broke up Apr 2016). She said he made her life hell, was talking **** about me and his other exes, drank EVERY night (as he was while with me) and she's suing him for stealing money from her AND assaulting her.

 

Here is the real life story of a 'reformed' addict wanting his ex-GF back. Nothing glamorous. The same old lies, the same old addict.

 

You make your own call but please read the above. Carefully. Then make your own decision.

 

As some of you already know, late last year I ended my LTR (and engagement) with my boyfriend of six years due to his drug addiction, promising rehab and then reneging and continued using.

 

See my previous thread (one of them).

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/562516-relationship-drug-addiction-break-up

 

Since then, I got a new apt, changed my phone number and have gone complete no contact.

 

For a long time, I was really worried about him, hoped he was okay. Missed (miss) him A LOT.

 

Well long story short, he contacted over the weekend by leaving a message on my office voice mail asking me to please call him back.

 

I have to admit, after six months, I was wanting so bad to talk to him, to find out how he was doing, if he ended up going to rehab and if he's okay.

 

I still love him.

 

I just got off the phone with him (called him during my lunch hour). He picked up (despite being at work) and we talked for about 30 minutes and he wants to take me to dinner to talk more...

 

Said he went to rehab and is totally clean now. Has extricated all the negative people from his life... bad influencers, drug suppliers, etc. said he is done with all of that!!

 

Still loves me, thinks after everything we have gone through, the love is still there and you don't find that every day (if ever!)

 

Said a bunch more stuff but that was the gist of it.

 

I am a bit overwhelmed right now to say the least! I was SO nervous before calling him, my heart was racing, but I did and gotta admit, it was so good to hear his voice and talk to him!

 

I really want to see him...but if he started using again (which is always a possibility I suppose), I honestly don't think I could handle it again. The lying, deception, tore my heart out the first time.... do not want to go there again!

 

So it's about trust.... but from what I have heard, with someone addicted to drugs there is always the chance for relapse.

 

So torn! Can I trust him again? Should I even try? A lot of shyt went down before…. (I have another thread “broke my engagement” that you can find in my history if you’re interested.

 

Anyway, any advice would be appreciated, you guys have been helping me out a lot lately with some other stuff.... so hope you can give me some of your wisdom here.

 

I am incapable of being objective about this since it involves me and do still love him A LOT!

 

Thanks guys!

[No_Go]

Sooooooooo happy to hear!!

 

eHarmony worked for me - the first OLD date after my break up with my alcoholic ex ... still together 15 months later and counting:)

 

Wish you best of luck - you've shown as a very strong person and deserve the best!

 

LOL I know.... ironic isn't it.

 

That's why I said I am not able to look at this objectively... because when it involves us (well me), and there is still love there.... it's very difficult to actually see it objectively.

 

Again this thread has really helped me put things in perspective....

 

No I will not being seeing him, that ship has sailed.

 

It's all coming back and no not going down that crazy road again.

 

I am actually glad this happened. It actually took him contacting me and talking to him (and listening to everyone's wise advice) to realize it's time to move on.

 

I think I just might be able to do just that now.... it's OVER.

 

Thanks guys...

 

So which dating sites should I sign up with? EHarmony? Match? lol

[Gaeta]

Dear katiegrl, I know it's a big shock to hear back from him but you have to put your feeling aside to make the best decision for yourself.

 

I remember going on a couple of dates with an ex addict. He had been clean for 2 years. One of my best friend happens to be a recovering addict and clean 18 years. When I told him about this new man he strongly advice me to not pursue. Recovering addicts should not enter casual relationships for 3 years and serious relationships for 5 years. Under 5 years the risk of relapse is extremely high. Actually it's not if they will relapse, it's how many times they will relapse. Then there is the matter of what was the substance they abused and their statistics, I am sure you already look those up.

 

I am glad your decision is made to not pursue. It's been 7 months, the worse of your mourning is done. Like Jenn has said it's time to date again. NOT enter a new relationship but to date. Yes it makes you miss your ex even more, it's like that for everyone moving on. It's just a matter of time then you meet someone and then you realize you don't think about ex anymore.

[DevotedBaker54]

He was a big part of your life and you want to know how he's been and how rehab has changed him. Maybe if you meet with him, make it clear you want to take things slow and start off as being friends again? I think being out of rehab he needs to learn how to take care of himself on him own and not rely on you to stay clean. You can obviously support him but don't be the only reason he wants to stay clean. He's fragile being out of rehab and maybe he isn't ready for a relationship just yet.

I hope things work out for the best!