rachaelh Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Do they take a similar amount of time as the dumpee? what are you past experiences of being the dumper? how long did it take you to get over your ex? and how long was the relationship?, more interested in long term relationships 1
Blanco Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 If the person is rational, then they are already partially over the other person when they opt to finally nuke the relationship. That's because rational people use a breakup as a final resort, rather than a ploy for leverage. It doesn't mean they instantly feel nothing at all for the other person. It just means that they've decided the relationship no longer works or will not work in the future. They still often care about the person they're breaking ties with, but it's important for those feelings to not be conflated with a desire to remain romantically linked. 4
Zahara Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Do they take a similar amount of time as the dumpee? what are you past experiences of being the dumper? how long did it take you to get over your ex? and how long was the relationship?, more interested in long term relationships A dumper has likely ended the relationship in his mind long before they actually terminate the relationship. So the moving on process is very different from the dumpee. I have been a dumper in two relationships. The first was a long term relationship with a cheater. I was forced to be the dumper. It took me about a year to heal from the pain and get to some level of indifference. He on the other hand jumped onto the next person pretty quickly. In my mid 20s, I ended a year long relationship with someone that I wasn't emotionally invested in anymore. I was slowly detaching and after a few months of settling that fact in my head, I ended it. I was sad, more so because I lost that comfort and familiarity, but I moved on pretty quickly emotionally. 2
SammySammy Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 The dumper usually has separated themselves mentally for some time before the physical separation. From the time of the breakup, it shouldn't be surprising if dumpers seem to get over it more quickly. They've had a head start. 4
Satu Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I agree with the posters above. The one who ended the relationship has usually started to disengage well before they left. 2
gaig Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 If dumpers could care less, they would do it.. This applies for them who were not forced to do it. They were meant to hurt someone. For the rest, they might as well be regarded as dumpees, so it is definitely harder. But it is not only black and white I believe.. There are actually a few really loving and matching couples out there (not all of us as we want to think) who failed for some reason. If both of them are intelligent, after some time they will/should realize that what they had is difficult to find somewhere else. Bad news is that they BOTH need to think this way..
sparkle222 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 hmm i've been the dumper twice. first time, i frankly couldn't stand the guy and didn't see a future with him, but he was very, very persistent and 'addictive'. i knew rationally i had to end it and did, my only regret is that i didn't do it sooner, because it would've taken less time to move past the unpleasantness. i didn't regret dumping him. there were a couple points some months later when i missed him (or the relationship really), but that was because i was having an existential crisis and starting to berate myself about feeling like a failure for not having a relationship. second time happened almost 3 years ago and tbh i feel like i'm still getting over it. i remember regretting it immediately after, but going into a kind of 'i can't do anything about this, i've messed up, there must have been a rational reason, i must move on' mode, and then just a strange 'should i talk about it/should i not' mindset for the next many months. it was sort of a hyper-rational detached analytical mode. when he started seeing someone else several months later i felt the proper 'breakup' emotions for the first time (and they were awful)--talk about a delayed reaction. I spent the next year going through the motions of moving on and dealing with a ton of guilt/regret, and by the time i'd moved past that guilt, i then relapsed a few times with him. i talked to him about what this meant, but by this point he'd really changed--become much harder, much more bitter, much more of a 'player' and much less trustworthy. he hid the fact he was seeing other girls as well, tried to make me feel guilty for not helping him enough with his mental health issues, etc. so anyway, his rubbish behaviour when we got back in contact has sort of helped me get over it--because i now refuse to feel guilty about dumping someone who, even years after our breakup, has continually insulted me, lied to me, guilt-tripped me, etc.
Mittens Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I've dumped two husbands: 1 - Got married too young at just 21, mainly to get away from my parents. Realized I didn't love my husband, didn't even really like him. I found out after we split that he had done stuff that if I'd known about would have stopped me from even dating him, let alone anything else. Left him after 2 and a half years of marriage, didn't miss him, for me there was nothing to 'get over'. I've not seen him in 26 years. Waited a year and a half before I even dated someone else, mainly because I didn't want any rebound relationships and wanted time on my own. 2 - Married at 34 after 5 years dating. Should have split up rather than marry, but got sucked in with the whole 'time invested' bollocks. Ended up wasting another 8 years. Once again, had realized marriage was over long before I pulled the plug, so nothing to 'get over'. Met current partner 6 months later, I'm now on very good terms with 2nd ex husband, as is my partner. He's also been in a happy relationship for a couple of years now. Like others have posted, when we split I'd already been 'over' the relationships for at least a year. I know for certain that my first husband was not hurt by my leaving, he honestly didn't care less. I'm sad that I probably did hurt my 2nd husband, but we've talked at length about our marriage since and have both admitted that we made mistakes and shouldn't have married in the first place. 1
basil67 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Like the previous posters, I grieved the end of my marriage before I left it. So after a week or so of feeling like I was in shock, I was over him. I was even able to confidently tell the marriage counseller that I didn't want to work on the marriage. 1
stillafool Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I've always been over them before I dumped them. Never had a desire to go back. 1
oldshirt Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 The people I have dumped, I wish I would've ended it sooner. And I agree with many of the posters above. The dumper is usually "over it" months or even multiple years before they actually pull the ejection handle. That is not to say that they don't miss certain aspects of the old relationship or that it isn't a disruption to their lives to one degree or another. The dumper may have periods of self-doubt and of questioning whether they should go or not, but there is nothing for them to "get over" once they have dropped the bomb. Usually they were checked out and just going through the motions and marking time months or even years before actually pulling the handle. For many if not most dumpers, they are mentally and emotionally disengaged until someone else comes along and then they pull the handle. If someone dumps you and they are with someone else the next weekend, they actually left the building a long, long time ago.
JuanDelToro Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 In my last relationship i was the dumper, but in all honesty she forced me to break up with her. I was well and truly madly in love with her and i wanted to marry her, but her indecisiveness, the lack of future goals and constant hot&cold behavior made me to lose myself and i felt trapped. I pulled the plug in hopes that she`ll understand and come to her senses. I proposed to her 6 weeks after the break up and in return i neither got a yes or a no, instead she slept with me for one last time and disappeared silently into the night. I do consider myself the dumper (no matter if she rejected me afterwards). In that regard, it felt like i was holding my breath for 14 months straight with every day being a small horrible death, another 4 months to stop being a lifeless zombie and start consciously functioning again and another 6 to start feel moments of happiness here and there. Funny thing is that during these months i did so many things, dated an army of women and had some serious fun time, which i couldn`t recognize at the time and now it feels as if i was in a dream. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 When I was the dumper, I was already detached when I actually pulled the plug. It wasn't a decision I came to easily and it wasn't a spontaneous decision either. We had been together 5 years and lived together around 2.5 of those. I wasn't in love anymore and it wasn't right to continue. Although I felt sad that the person was no longer in my life, I didn't regret it. That was many years ago now.
oldshirt Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 Although I felt sad that the person was no longer in my life, I didn't regret it. yeah sadness and regret are two complete different things.
keiji Posted June 15, 2016 Posted June 15, 2016 It's impossible for anyone to give you even an estimate. My next-to-last girlfriend I dumped her because the relationship was incredibly toxic and I missed her for two years. Some others I no longer cared about and I moved on incredibly fast. The circumstances of the breakup will determine your grieving process, regardless of who dumps who.
Recommended Posts