The Spark Argument After Sex

June 14, 2016

Let me stop you right there...you may not have read the previous posts. They said they had sex with people they were NOT into and thusly, no relationship is evident.

Let me stop you right there... If you're referring to me and my posts, I never said I had sex with people I wasn't into and I don't see where others did either. I said I had sex with a couple of people that I didn't dislike but didn't feel a spark with because I wanted to see if there was potential for more out of the relationship.

Sometimes the answer was yes. Sometimes it was no.

You make it sound like we sat at home and said "well, I'm bored... Better go have sex with somebody."

Funny, seems everytime I've been with a woman on a date, they would say, "Sorry not feeling the sparks" of course, they never slept with me to "find things out." They were the smart NOT to do that.

Me: "Oh okay, care to sleep together to see if we can trigger some sparks? I'd really LOVE that! *wink wink*

Of course that's not how a woman would do it though... They'd do much what they did with the OP. Give the relationship a shot, have sex, maybe give it a few times to see if it's "opening night jitters" and then say "nope, not working" and end the relationship.

While it's wonderful to think that everybody you've had sex with was consumed with passion for you, the reality is I suspect at least one or two people have or will have ended up having sex with you under similar relationship circumstances.

June 14, 2016

It's working for me just fine, I don't risk the propagation of STI's among other things. I just don't take a cavalier attitude of "if it feels good do it" like others do as I am seeking someone that's on the same page with me on that.

Yes, I don't do the FWB thing, I'd become too attached afterwards. I'd be a disaster.

I've actually turned down opportunities to do so. Turns out, these women slept with numerous men without so much as batting an eye. I recall one complaining about how a guy "never called her back" after sleeping him. Bullet dodged and chances are her risk for infection is high since she's a high risk.

Just not my lifestyle to sleep around with people until someone sticks around. So it's been working out for me just fine. ;-)

Let me address this, as I'm a pretty good at figuring where a situation is going. I would never have gotten to the point of sleeping with a woman to be quite honest, because if I gave it enough time...I would figure out this is how she rolls. Usually I tend to find out their dating patterns when getting to know them. If they tend to have a "flavor of the month" thing going on, I move on.

I can tell by their behavior in my circle of friends they will open their legs for anyone. I had one woman that liked me that asked me why I never tried to pursue her...not joking. I knew she would always binge drink during these parties and pretty much would rub up against any man dancing, make out with him, etc. I just told her my lifestyle was different from hers...kept it generic..didn't want to give her what I really thought.

However, apparently, she was looking for a serious relationship...but was kind of surprised she had to sleep with multiple men until one guy decided do stick around...and now she's with him.

That's just an example, but I can sometime get a pretty good read on people based on their actions and what they've told me.

So you're looking for a different kind of woman. Wonderful for you. Enjoy the search.

That doesn't mean all women who don't meet your personal criteria are dirty skanks.

The way you pat yourself in the back for apparently the torrent of women banging on your door for sex is a bit misguided though. You assume that because a woman shows interest, it means she wants a relationship. All of these women fall over themselves for a chance to settle down with you.

You seem to miss the whole middle part of dating that occurs between "I kind of like you I think" and "you're the one for me, here, now, tomorrow, and forever."

June 14, 2016

It kinda reminds me of those memes about the woman looking for the perfect man who checks every box on her list - and now here she is, 45 and sleeping with 8 cats on the bed.

June 14, 2016

That's just an example, but I can sometime get a pretty good read on people based on their actions and what they've told me.

So can I.... I am a lot like you actually.

I don't do casual nor do I do frivolous. I date one-at-a-time and this has worked out quite well for me -- I have had three long term relationships.

That said..... it STILL does not guarantee their feelings won't change somewhere down the road LATP.

Mine did, after four years. We grew apart... it happens! To men too!

People change, people grow, people evolve. Human nature. Ideally it would be great if we grew together but unfortunately that does not always happen.

Anyway...I felt horrible that my feelings changed, but again it happened, and I ended those RLs. And it can happen at any time during the RL, one day, one week, one month, or year or 20 years.... no rhyme or reason... people change, feelings are fluid.... we have no control over them.

My most recent ex and I broke up after six years. We were engaged to be married THIS YEAR. We were very much in love and excited to spend to spend our lives together.

So why did we break up? I discovered he was doing hard drugs (coke and meth), and had been for awhile and lying about it. Lying or any sort of deception is a dealbreaker for me, as are doing hard drugs (especially meth).... so I ended it and have moved on. Like I said NO GUARANTEES.

If you don't learn to roll with these nuances, and acknowledge that feelings are fluid and can change and that people can grow apart ... you are going to become very resentful and very bitter....

I would hate to see that happen cuz you seem like a nice person.

No one owes anyone anything in life or in love. The best you can do is have trust and faith in your connection, communicate to the best of your ability and hope for the best. NO guarantees it will work out in the end, but even if it doesn't you learn from the experience and take what you've learned into your next RL.

One day we get it right and it sticks.

Best of luck..

June 14, 2016

Well, I kind of answered that... They look good on paper and you don't dislike them, so you have sex to see if there's anything there.

I don't roll like that, not my style. You have heard of STIs, yes? No one addressed this. There are consequences of sleeping around a little too much just to "see if there's anything there."

Personally, I think people that do this aren't doing so with the best intentions.

June 14, 2016

My most recent ex and I broke up after six years. We were engaged to be married THIS YEAR. We were very much in love and excited to spend to spend our lives together.

So why did we break up? I discovered he was doing hard drugs (coke and meth), and had been for awhile and lying about it. Lying or any sort of deception is a dealbreaker for me, as are doing hard drugs (especially meth).... so I ended it and have moved on. Like I said NO GUARANTEES.

That is a lot different than just waking up one day, your man is in the kitchen making some breakfast and deciding..."eh...F it, this isn't working out for me. Laters..."

Which is kind of what we are talking about here...no?

June 14, 2016

I did thank my recent dumper for this. Even though it was bizarrely done, and leaves me reeling a bit...at least she didn't lead me on longer and then just disappear one day.

I know you did WWG.... I am speaking mostly to LATP.... I don't blame you for reeling a bit, her behavior certainly warranted that (very confusing)..... but IMO you handled the whole thing with dignity and maturity and are moving on.

Best of luck as you move forward....

June 14, 2016

That is a lot different than just waking up one day, your man is in the kitchen making some breakfast and deciding..."eh...F it, this isn't working out for me. Laters..."

Which is kind of what we are talking about here...no?

Again I am speaking mostly to LATP's posts....

June 14, 2016

I assume you have heard of condoms yes?

This may be surprising but there are safe sex practices. I have NEVER contracted any STI's. Condoms when used properly are quiet effective.

Really, everyone out there who has had more than one sexual partner isn't a walking disease bag.

I understand casual sex isn't for everyone, that's fine. Your judgements come off as silly though.

You have many excuses to avoid being intimate with a woman (and so many threads about OLD).

Have you ever met a woman who meets your requirements and accepts you?

June 14, 2016

NO guarantees it will work out in the end, but even if it doesn't you learn from the experience and take what you've learned into your next RL

Yep.

Each is experience for the next. Listen to that from a woman's woman, or a man's man.

I don't roll like that, not my style. You have heard of STIs, yes? No one addressed this. There are consequences of sleeping around a little too much just to "see if there's anything there."

Personally, I think people that do this aren't doing so with the best intentions.

Oh come of off it. I haven't got any kind of STI. You're making excuses now.

June 14, 2016

That is a lot different than just waking up one day, your man is in the kitchen making some breakfast and deciding..."eh...F it, this isn't working out for me. Laters..."

Which is kind of what we are talking about here...no?

WWG, don't know what was going on with your ex, but obviously she had some sort of hidden agenda that you were not aware of.

Not your fault, she hid it well... except to say that any woman who still insists on being active on a dating site after agreeing to exclusivity with you and acting like your ex behaved towards you ..... is probably not someone you should fully trust.... or even count on.

I wouldn't if the tables were turned....

June 14, 2016

So can I.... I am a lot like you actually.

I don't do casual nor do I do frivolous. I date one-at-a-time and this has worked out quite well for me -- I have had three long term relationships.

That said..... it STILL does not guarantee their feelings won't change somewhere down the road LATP.

Mine did, after four years. We grew apart... it happens! To men too!

People change, people grow, people evolve. Human nature. Ideally it would be great if we grew together but unfortunately that does not always happen.

Anyway...I felt horrible that my feelings changed, but again it happened, and I ended those RLs. And it can happen at any time during the RL, one day, one week, one month, or year or 20 years.... no rhyme or reason... people change, feelings are fluid.... we have no control over them.

My most recent ex and I broke up after six years. We were engaged to be married THIS YEAR. We were very much in love and excited to spend to spend our lives together.

So why did we break up? I discovered he was doing hard drugs (coke and meth), and had been for awhile and lying about it. Lying or any sort of deception is a dealbreaker for me, as are doing hard drugs (especially meth).... so I ended it and have moved on. Like I said NO GUARANTEES.

If you don't learn to roll with these nuances, and acknowledge that feelings are fluid and can change and that people can grow apart ... you are going to become very resentful and very bitter....

I would hate to see that happen cuz you seem like a nice person.

No one owes anyone anything in life or in love. The best you can do is have trust and faith in your connection, communicate to the best of your ability and hope for the best. NO guarantees it will work out in the end, but even if it doesn't you learn from the experience and take what you've learned into your next RL.

One day we get it right and it sticks.

Best of luck..

I'm in the same wheelhouse as you, Katie, as relationships can inevitability end, but you had 4 years there. I'm talking about when in the first stages of dating.

Thanks for rooting for me

June 14, 2016

I don't roll like that, not my style.

Very good, and that is your prerogative.

That doesn't mean that everybody who doesn't do it your way is wrong.

You have heard of STIs, yes? No one addressed this. There are consequences of sleeping around a little too much just to "see if there's anything there."

Personally, I think people that do this aren't doing so with the best intentions.

Personally, I don't think you can judge the intentions of people who date in a way that "isn't your style" as you seem to not know a lot about them. So far you've accused them of being fridgid and careless, immoral, and now infected with STDs. So...

For the record, I've never had an STD or STI in my life. And yes, I have heard of them... And yes, if you have sex, regardless of your intentions while doing it, you can get one.

Yes, even you.

June 14, 2016

I'm in the same wheelhouse as you, Katie, as relationships can inevitability end, but you had 4 years there. I'm talking about when in the first stages of dating.

Thanks for rooting for me

Well feelings can change and often do change in the very early stages of dating.

That is when they are most likely to change actually as you are still in the process of getting to know each other!

As you get to know each other, one or both decide the other isn't their cup of tea for whatever reason.

This can happen before and after sex.

Like I said, there are never any guarantees when it comes to feelings....

Try not to become resentful and bitter about it.... that attitude will carry over and women will sense that... making it even more difficult for a woman to want to connect with you.... then it just becomes a vicious cycle.

Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl

June 14, 2016

Just curious, why would anyone have sex with someone if they weren't into them?

Because he is "good on paper" (nice guy, compatible, will make someone a good husband), and the woman is hoping, hoping, hoping that the attraction will grow.

Men do it, too.

June 14, 2016

Because he is "good on paper" (nice guy, compatible, will make someone a good husband), and the woman is hoping, hoping, hoping that the attraction will grow.

Men do it, too.

Do we now?

I have never done that once in my entire life.

But if you say so

June 14, 2016

Do we now?

I have never done that once in my entire life.

But if you say so

Ever met a gay man with a wife and kids?

That's one example.

June 14, 2016

Do we now?

I have never done that once in my entire life.

But if you say so

Some men do it Jabron.... although I do think on average, women probably do this more (i.e. hope that the attraction will grow).

Men have their own different reasons for dumping or fading out after sex....

Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl

June 14, 2016

It's probably more than just the sex. If I like someone, it's going to be pretty rare that the sex is terrible enough for me to say "never again!"

But just kinda bla sex? Maybe even mechanically "good" but I have no passion for him etc - gonna keep having it until we break up .

You said you dated for a month right? This stuff just happens.

passion is an interesting thing... my ex GF complained that we had no passion, however whenever we were intimate she would refuse to communicate what she liked expecting that I should already know. Oh well, she liked what most other women I have had experience with DID NOT like so how am I to know? Also she was a total and complete b!tch when things did not go her way making disparaging remarks towards me. And oh... she was concerned only about her pleasure and could care less about pleasing me or my orgasm saying that was my responsibility as a man WTF??

Well, she was a terrible sexual partner and then accused me of being terrible. And expecting passion in a hostile environment like this is downright ludicrous.

So, in our society it's easy to point fingers at others and we feel somehow entitled to everything. I think the key thing is relationships, especially sex is to first and foremost ask yourself, are you doing your best to please your partner BEFORE expecting your partner to please you? Way too many people just expect a ton of stuff without giving anything in return.

Sorry for the rant!

June 15, 2016

You need to take women off of the silly pedestal, mate.

I'm spinning three plates right now (my limit). None of them meet your daft 'criteria', or 'madonna complex'.

That is because I'm living in the real world, and they open up to me their passions.

You need to accept women for what they are, rather than living in cloud cuckoo land.

With kids and needing my own time two is my max and even then that gets to be too much.

But yeah.

Women date men they aren't into because they are lonely. period.

I guess men do it also.

I've never dated someone for the sake of dating them because you can't push a rope and well if I can't be with a woman hot enough & freaky enough to make my soldier salute at least twice a night then why bother?

June 15, 2016

I've dated women where they wanted it to happen but I could tell they weren't all that into me or as into me as other women were. Most times it was because I just wasn't their type. But because their type were men that didn't treat them well they tried to force it with me because it was better than being alone.

Op, she liked the attention but probably sensed you were developing feelings and let you go.

I treated these men well. I really liked a few of them. I spent 2 months every day with one of them because he was so funny and fun to hang out with and generous in bed! I thought highly of him! I got him gifts when I went overseas and I was always super super thankful when he treated me to things!

The reason women like me did this type of thing was, well - we are in our prime years and are still hot and get a lot of male attention! Women love to be worshiped and adored!

The men I was into didn't reciprocate yet they thought I was " hot". All this feels really hollow when compared to a friend of mine, who is GORGEOUS and met the absolute love of her life- SHE got the guy she fell hard for and was actually into!

I loved the feeling of chemistry, wheere BOTH people MUTUALLY fall hard for one another!

I also loved the feeling of companionship I had in my prior relationship, where we were BEST FRIENDS and had SO MUCH FUN together, yet the sexual spark was absent from his end!

I wanted BOTH of those things! I got impatient and tried to artificially manufacture it.

So, on behalf of all women who have inadvertently led you on DESPITE not feeling a spark? SORRY!

I am sorry for the women like me. For what it is worth, I felt TERRIBLE - absolutely awful, when I had to break the hearts of at least 3 other men in my life. I HATED IT. I felt CONSUMED with bad feelings/ guilt!

In fact, I PREFERED getting my heart broken! Than having to .... feel self inflicted presure, go through the motions of convincing and deluding myself that " the fireworks ARE THERE< MMKAY!" and then ultimately,realising that FCK IT, this aint gunna work!

SO yeah, Soz man. I sure learnt my lesson. 3 broken hearts later:lmao:

June 15, 2016

OP, the mind is a powerful thing.

I was so hellbent on getting the fairytale my mate has - where her and her fiance both fell head over heels and BOTH fell super hard for one another from day ONE - that I manufactured a spark out of sheer desperation. To find my soul mate. I DID THINK there was a spark with 2 of these men... my desperation to obtain it made mt THINK there WAS truly a spark! I sht you not, I went into the fledging relationship with every intention of lasting/staying together. THAT was totally my goal, and precisely WHY I artificially manufactured the spark to begin with - I WANTED it to work.

Please give the girl a break, as she may not have used you or lead you on mate. Don't assume the worst, not everyone is an A hole with an set agenda to hurt men!

When did I first know there was no spark? In retrospect? Immediately.

At the time? It DID take me 2 - 3 dates.

Guy from last year: Date 1- I liked the look of his online pics and had already convinced myself that I wanted him to be " the One". I know. Desperate. Desperate central:( I was. He was enamoured with me, which as a mere 6/10 type of gal, I LOVE when men fall hard for me at first site, as women like me like to feel like we are gorgeous (despite our cute non stunning looks).

I liked blue eyes at the time and was ADAMANT that there was a real spark. We made out and fooled around.

Date two: he drove to my college and had flowers. Now, if my CURRENT BF had done this I would have SWOONED and gone weak at the knees. This guy? Eh. I was surprised upon seeing him, to learn that I felt.... underwhelmed. Although I was SO flattered at his flowers, walking through my college with him? Eh. I felt more and more put off by the moment. I didn't feel like being intimate or loved up with him.

Date 3: he took me for a night away. HE got me a necklace. While I was happy to let him please me sexually, I felt repulsed at the thought of having to ... put his penis anywhere NEAR my mouth!

The sex felt like nothing to me.

I broke it off the following day. He cried. I felt like a monster. All I ever wanted was a man to be enamoured by me the way my mates bf was with her - and her with him. It was, unfortunately, a one sided affair despite the fact that I admired and respected him and WISHED I DARN WELL FELT INTO HIM!

Guy 2: I felt instant sparks. They were legit sparks. We both looked very similar, they say that creates false intimacy! I had decided prior to meeting him that we were going to happen" based on the vibes I felt online and on the phone and also his looks.

Unfortunately, I realised that I did not respect or admire him - I in fact, HATED his personality! He was annoying as Fck! A good person. but just not for me. He hated women who had their bfs treat them to coffees and meals out - he was a huge proponent of women paying their share - this turned me off so much I became repulsed at the thought of putting his penis anywhere my hand or mouth! Although I was happy to let him do the hard work and pleasure me. LOL.

I felt no desire for HIM. It was all about the fact he adored ME and the fact he was good at pleasing ME - and he ADORED ME. He was smitten. I WANTED A GUY TO BE SMITTEN! And we had a genuine spark to begin with, so I pushed pushed PUSHED myself to soldier on despite deep down knowing he was NOT what I wanted!

So I started out with a massive spark for my ex - nice guy, good person, but the spark well and truly DIED. At least for me it did. IT died due to his personity not his looks, and he was good in bed. Good at pleasing and very generous!

Guy 3: with another guy, I was desperate to meet the one, and wanted a guy to adore me and so despite the lack of obvous chemistry, I tried to convince myself they hey, maybe there is something? I was due to go overseas. So I used that as an excuse. First, I told him" lets be friends" but I sorta kept him in the loop without realising what I was doing. I said " friends" yet talked every night! And blew him facebook kisses goodnight using those goofy emojis!

He offered to pick me up frorm the airport. I then recieved a call from the guy I WAS Into, and took the all the entire trip almost; ASSUMING me and the driver were JUST FRIENDS:lmao: Yeah. The guy was devestated. Thought we had potential. When I only ever thought I had warned him that he was in the friendzone only. I learnt to not keep in close communication with men I turn down - it leads them on.

hmm lets see - guy 4. He is the guy that DROVE ME to the airport! Look at me, having FWBS and hopefulls dropping me off and picking me up from overseas travel LOL! Not bad for a former pimply nerd with braces:lmao:

Guy 4 was also desperate to find someone! He was on a HIGH income, was SUPER GENEROUS, and was EVERYTHING I DREAMED OF! Sadly, I never felt the spark yet he was cute enough to let him please me and sleep next to me.

I LOVED how funny he was, so hung out with him for months! I just did not feel it with him, yet he got attached and cried and cried and became .... crazy when I flat out said no time and time again...... I was being the guy that I HATE - the types that love hanging around you and legit LIKE you--- that do not want more. I was the one who SWORE that " well I am not ready for a relationship, now is not my time" and then jumped at the chance to be with the guy I WAS into a week later:lmao:

Why do people do the shtty things they do? I am an empathetic person. I would NEVER intentionally hurt people! With ALL of these men - I was sincere; I DID fully intend to date them and with 2 of these guys - I DID tell them " thanks bu no thanks" and proceed to engage in a FWB with one.

So that is my side of the story regarding my time spent as one of those women who simply did not feel a spark at all - or did in the beginning and lost it.

I quit online dating and searching for a partner after that and decided to just stay single for as long as it took to find a mutual, genuine spark as I need the spark in order for me to start/stay with a partner long term.

The main difference and possible warning signs? Well, with the men I lacked the spark with? I NEVEr felt like pleasuring them sexually. The sex felt like nothing, and I only slept with them because I didn't wannt exert the energy of giving them a head job while I was happy to let them give me orgasms. Sad, I know, I thought it was normal to endure meaningless sex in order to get a guy who adored me.

Men I feel the spark with get my full interest, I am longing for their kiss and I LOVE pleasing them as much as they love pleasing me sexually - I will never lead another man on again for this reason! I have learnt the signs that the spark is lacking.

I feel very sorry it took me a few goes to get the spark thing right. Sorry on behalf of all the spark driven girls who unintentionally lead men on.

June 15, 2016

Ever met a gay man with a wife and kids?

That's one example.

This reminds me of a couple of women I met online that said when they were married, they were never attracted to their husbands.

One lives in this more smaller town, she was on a dating site and told me she was married 9 years to him and was his book keeper. But told me she was never attracted to him to begin with, but since everyone else was marrying off right out of high school, so did she.

The 2nd one gets more interesting. This woman is on OK Cupid , told me she wasn't interested in me because I reminded her of her ex-husband that she wasn't attracted to in the first place.

And I was thinking, "And you had a kid with him? lol"

I dunno, but I'm wondering how awkward the "honeymoon" phase is, esp. the wedding night. lol Does she lie there like a cold fish?

June 15, 2016

This reminds me of a couple of women I met online that said when they were married, they were never attracted to their husbands.

One lives in this more smaller town, she was on a dating site and told me she was married 9 years to him and was his book keeper. But told me she was never attracted to him to begin with, but since everyone else was marrying off right out of high school, so did she.

The 2nd one gets more interesting. This woman is on OK Cupid , told me she wasn't interested in me because I reminded her of her ex-husband that she wasn't attracted to in the first place.

And I was thinking, "And you had a kid with him? lol"

I dunno, but I'm wondering how awkward the "honeymoon" phase is, esp. the wedding night. lol Does she lie there like a cold fish?

That is what happens when a woman chooses not to be picky about who she dates or has relationships with.

It's called settling.

June 15, 2016

That is what happens when a woman chooses not to be picky about who she dates or has relationships with.
It's called settling.

Know what you mean, so I'm guessing the same applies to those, "Let's have sex, to see if there's a spark"

They weren't feeling it to begin with, but they figured...might as well sleep with each other anyways.

Though, I do have a hard time buying that there was no spark if they had decided to sleep together.

If figured it was the spark that triggers the desire to have sex...that's why I have a hard time buying that excuse.

When people here started saying, "There was no spark, but wanted to sleep with him/her to see if there's anything."

Most every woman I've been with would say, "Sorry no spark" and I'd never hear from them again. lol Plain and simple.

Me: (Joking): "What?! Can't at least I get sex out of the deal?" Seems like a chicken or the egg situation.

Edited June 15, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

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