katiegrl Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Didn't say they weren't "allowed to change their minds", I said they CAN change their minds, but I'd pretty much write them off as someone that isn't long term and esp. marriage material. Too selfish. While I do agree that if a woman changes her mind and loses her attraction after getting to know you, you should write her off (as I think it's healthy to write someone off who is obviously not into you) .... I do think deeming her selfish and a flake is a bit much. People are entitled to change their minds and feelings after getting to know someone. That is why we date prior to marriage.... to get to know each other so as to determine long term compatibility (emotional, sexual, mental, spiritual and everything in between). To deem a woman flakey and selfish, simply because, after getting to know you, she realized you weren't her cup of tea, is incredibly self-centered... and frankly immature. I can't even imagine it quite frankly. How dare you lose your attraction to me, how dare you change your mind about me, what a flake, how selfish!! If this is really your attitude, dude you are in for a very rough road in life.... Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl 3
neowulf Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Right, I think there are things that some people don't happen to have an aptitude for like dancing salsa, flying a plane, etc, but something as natural as sex? You really buy that its unteachable? I sure don't. Except if someone is unwilling to learn. Do you think the colour of your eyes is teachable? How about your height? Shoe size? That is what "spark" is. It's a combination of a thousand little variables, most of which we're not aware of, that, biologically speaking make us "click" with a sexual partner. Natural chemistry is exactly that. Chemistry. It can't be taught or faked. It's not a skill, it's part of your makeup. 1
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 While I do agree that if a woman changes her mind and loses her attraction after getting to know you, you should write her off (as I think it's healthy to write someone off who is obviously not into you) .... I do think deeming her selfish and a flake is a bit much. People are entitled to change their minds and feelings after getting to know someone. That is why we date prior to marriage.... to get to know each other so as to determine long term compatibility (emotional, sexual, mental, spiritual and everything in between). To deem a woman flakey and selfish, simply because, after getting to know you, she realized you weren't her cup of tea, is incredibly self-centered... and frankly immature. I can't even imagine it quite frankly. How dare you lose your attraction to me, how dare you change your mind about me, what a flake, how selfish!! If this is really your attitude, dude you are in for a very rough road in life.... ^^To add... and what about YOU? What if you were dating a woman for awhile, and after getting to know her further, something or things about her behavior turned you off ... and as a result, you wanted to move on, would this mean that you are a flake and selfish also? Do you not see how utterly ridiculous this attitude is?
Lady Hamilton Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Not sure what the issue is, this is something that can be learned if communicated properly what one desires in the bedroom. Overtime and with proper instruction and communication, this is something that could be overcomed. Oh wait, I can hear the superficial remarks now, "I don't want to have to teach anyone anything. I'm lazy!" It has nothing to do with being lazy... If there's an attraction, something more, then yeah, working out some minor kinks in sexual comparability is no big thing. But if there's little-to-nothing there and the sex is off, then who wants to waste their time trying to recusitate something that wasn't working to begin with? It's not like we are talking a sex-related speed bump in a relationship that is otherwise working or where there is a spark. It is ok to say somebody isn't meshing with you as a romantic partner and moving on. Especially since sex isn't a "insert here, add water, enjoy" sort of thing. Part of the enjoyment comes from expressing physically something you already feel on an emotional level. If somebody isn't doing it for you emotionally, coaching them sexually on how to make the act more intimate is pointless. Announcing as an insult that you think somebody who has that realization is not long-term relationship material is kind of a pointless announcement. They dumped you. They already know. They're the one who told you there's no long term potential. It's like telling somebody who dumps you "you'll never find anybody like me again!" They dumped you... I think they're ok with not finding anybody else like you. That was the point of the breakup. 4
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 People are entitled to change their minds and feelings after getting to know someone. That is why we date prior to marriage But even in marriage, divorces are still likely. Would it be any different when someone says, "I how do you loose attraction to me, how dare you change your mind about our marriage, how dare you this, how dare you that, etc., etc., etc. "How dare you ask me for a divorce!!" I know a woman, sadly one of those independent, career driven types that has resolved herself as never marrying again because in her last marraige, during the course of those 10 years, from age 20 to age 30 (she's now 40), their attitudes and beliefs changed. They went diff. directions from age 20 to 30 and were apparently completely different from each other just prior to divorcing. Wasn't due to abuse, cheating, etc. Was completely amicable due to them growing apart because they matured differently. Was that an excuse to divorce even? Right now, the occasional boyfriend that comes and goes out of her life is fine by her. But even those...as she surmised, though "nice" inevitably ends. So change mind dating? Sure they reserve that right? Marriage, too? Sure...people do it all the time. In fact, sadly, people go into marriages with the attitude, "In case it doesn't work out, we can get a divorce." Yes, I've heard newlyweds say this months into their marriage.
xxoo Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 But even in marriage, divorces are still likely. Would it be any different when someone says, "I how do you loose attraction to me, how dare you change your mind about our marriage, how dare you this, how dare you that, etc., etc., etc. "How dare you ask me for a divorce!!" I know a woman, sadly one of those independent, career driven types that has resolved herself as never marrying again because in her last marraige, during the course of those 10 years, from age 20 to age 30 (she's now 40), their attitudes and beliefs changed. They went diff. directions from age 20 to 30 and were apparently completely different from each other just prior to divorcing. Wasn't due to abuse, cheating, etc. Was completely amicable due to them growing apart because they matured differently. Was that an excuse to divorce even? Right now, the occasional boyfriend that comes and goes out of her life is fine by her. But even those...as she surmised, though "nice" inevitably ends. So change mind dating? Sure they reserve that right? Marriage, too? Sure...people do it all the time. In fact, sadly, people go into marriages with the attitude, "In case it doesn't work out, we can get a divorce." Yes, I've heard newlyweds say this months into their marriage. I say this as a long married woman-- If your spouse doesn't want to be married to you, doesn't want to have sex with you, doesn't want you......that's the problem. Asking for a divorce is the solution. I did not marry to divorce. But, I also made sure to marry someone I have a ton of chemistry with, with whom the sex is very exciting and satisfying. That's a big part of the reason that I want him, and he wants me. 4
RecentChange Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Investment, investment is the difference. OP had been dating for ONE MONTH I would hope someone would invest a little more time getting to know someone and seeing if they were compatable before marrying them. And 20-30 yep, that is a time of drastic change for many, another reason why people recommend not getting married so young. And when you marry, you make a pledge to try to work things out. Dating is not a pledge, it's not a life time commitment, it's the test drive . And while chemistry may fall off, like many of us are pointing out, if it has never been there. It can't be created. Lookatthispost- while you seem to be trying to tell us how relationships work - a quick glance at your thread history makes it appear as if you have never had a successful relationship. I could be wrong, but years spent unsuccessfully dating via OlD doesn't mean you are the expert when it comes to chemistry and making relationships work in the long haul. 5
Lady Hamilton Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Just because somebody breaks up with somebody 5 weeks into a relationship due to not feeling a connection doesn't mean they'll divorce a spouse over a lack of connection. Common sense dictates people work harder to salvage the marriage they've committed to and invested in, vs the relationship that is younger than your average goldfish. And if one does ultimately divorce, here's guessing it's under conditions that in a young, casual relationship would have also resulted in a breakup. When somebody dumps you over a lack of any real connection, it's pretty presumptuous to assume it's because they are flakes. They just don't like you, not the idea of commitment and marriage and working on a relationship. I mean really... To assume that is one step away from that old Rodney Dangerfield skit "I guess she left me because she's a lesbian. Why else would she say I'm the most repulsive man she's ever met? All I tried to do was sleep with her sister." Edited June 14, 2016 by Lady Hamilton 4
Tressugar Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Alright women! Here's to emotionally unattached sex! Whoo woo! We're catching up to the boys! It reminds me of that movie scene when Robin Givens' bangs Eddie Murphy and then she just walks out while he's asking her if she's gonna call him...lmao! Emotionally bankrupt. I sooo wanna be Robin Givens in that part. Edited June 14, 2016 by Tressugar
Emilia Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Right, I think there are things that some people don't happen to have an aptitude for like dancing salsa, flying a plane, etc, but something as natural as sex? You really buy that its unteachable? I sure don't. Except if someone is unwilling to learn. Being sexually compatible has a little bit to do with skills but it's mostly about personality. Someone at your age should know this. 4
Leigh 87 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Wow, yet another "no sparks" AFTER sex, with so many "no sparks" BEFORE sex posts, I bet some men prefer the "after". lol. You really cannot cite "no sparks' after sex, otherwise you would not have HAD sex. Man these experiences I keep reading about seriously contradict each other. Um. People fck without sparks everyday. I am all about sparks yet I slept with a few men with whom I felt a lack of spark with. Why? They were smitten with me. I wanted to end up with a man who adored me i wanted true love where the man is enamoured with me. The no sparks men were nice; I was attracted enough to kiss them but no fireworks were ignited. Despite the lack of sparks, I WANTED to feel sparks since these men were crazy about me, treated me well and were ideal partners on paper. Sadly, some women like myself, simply could not land the men we DID go all gaga for, so we tried to make ourselves feel sparks with the men who WERE into us! This girl may have simple wanted to give things a real chance due to getting rejected by the men she DID feel chemistry with; she likely just wished that she wouod grow to feel the x factor with a decent, cute guy who actually returned her calls.. 1
GemmaUK Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Not sure what the issue is, this is something that can be learned if communicated properly what one desires in the bedroom. Overtime and with proper instruction and communication, this is something that could be overcomed. Oh wait, I can hear the superficial remarks now, "I don't want to have to teach anyone anything. I'm lazy!" Sexual compatibility isn't something that can be learned/taught. It's either there or it's not. 'with proper instruction'?? Seriously? When compatibility is there things gel, the only instruction required is tiny tweaks which come from talking about likes and dislikes. If 'proper instruction' is required then you can safely say that compatibility isn't there. 1
phineas Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Um. People fck without sparks everyday. I am all about sparks yet I slept with a few men with whom I felt a lack of spark with. Why? They were smitten with me. I wanted to end up with a man who adored me i wanted true love where the man is enamoured with me. The no sparks men were nice; I was attracted enough to kiss them but no fireworks were ignited. Despite the lack of sparks, I WANTED to feel sparks since these men were crazy about me, treated me well and were ideal partners on paper. Sadly, some women like myself, simply could not land the men we DID go all gaga for, so we tried to make ourselves feel sparks with the men who WERE into us! This girl may have simple wanted to give things a real chance due to getting rejected by the men she DID feel chemistry with; she likely just wished that she wouod grow to feel the x factor with a decent, cute guy who actually returned her calls.. I've dated women where they wanted it to happen but I could tell they weren't all that into me or as into me as other women were. Most times it was because I just wasn't their type. But because their type were men that didn't treat them well they tried to force it with me because it was better than being alone. Op, she liked the attention but probably sensed you were developing feelings and let you go.
Weezy1973 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 I was in relationships where we were together a few months, but then I dumped them after having sex over not feeling "the spark." Usually it meant the relationship was good on paper and I didn't dislike the guy, but I wasn't hugely into him either. Then, after gaving sex and there is still no profound feeling of attachment or attraction, I'd end the relationship. Or the above, but we had sex, maybe even a few times... And we didn't mesh sexually, so I'd end the relationship having not felt "the spark." Such is dating. If I had been accused of being cold and not into the person... Well... Duh. Hence feeling nothing special between us and ending the relationship. Yup - this exactly. I used to feel a bit bad about dumping women after having sex with them in these scenarios, but now I see women do it too. Not such a terrible thing...
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Yup - this exactly. I used to feel a bit bad about dumping women after having sex with them in these scenarios, but now I see women do it too. Not such a terrible thing... So since both genders do it now, and now no longer feel bad about it because it's not such a terrible thing...it makes it okay? I'm seeing a, "If they jump off a bridge, do you go ahead and do it, too?" situation here. Two wrongs making a right. Usually it meant the relationship was good on paper and I didn't dislike the guy, but I wasn't hugely into him either. Then, after gaving sex and there is still no profound feeling of attachment or attraction, I'd end the relationship. Just curious, why would anyone have sex with someone if they weren't into them? Edited June 14, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst
GemmaUK Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Just curious, why would anyone have sex with someone if they weren't into them? Because it's an essential part of relationships. Just the same as kissing, affection, being around each other, values, personality and all of the other things that make people want to be together. If it turns out that some or none of these things make a person happy and excited in the early days then it's not going to work in the long run. You can like a person enough to have sex but it doesn't necessarily mean you are head over heels, nor that chemistry or sexual compatibility is there. This is what dating is LATP. Finding out. Edited June 14, 2016 by GemmaUK 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Because it's an essential part of relationships. Let me stop you right there...you may not have read the previous posts. They said they had sex with people they were NOT into and thusly, no relationship is evident. You can like a person enough to have sex but it doesn't necessarily mean you are head over heels, nor that chemistry or sexual compatibility is there. This is what dating is LATP. Finding out. So this is just a last, desperate effort to sleep with them just in case sparks may be triggered? Funny, seems everytime I've been with a woman on a date, they would say, "Sorry not feeling the sparks" of course, they never slept with me to "find things out." They were the smart NOT to do that. Me: "Oh okay, care to sleep together to see if we can trigger some sparks? I'd really LOVE that! *wink wink* Edited June 14, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst
GemmaUK Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Let me stop you right there...you may not have read the previous posts. They said they had sex with people they were NOT into and thusly, no relationship is evident. I have read all o the posts and the majority of them are based upon liking the person enough to give it a shot. It doesn't always work out and that feeling just never comes. It's no ones fault. So this is just a last, desperate effort to sleep with them just in case sparks may be triggered? Sex is an important part of relationships and like another person said, someone can be good on paper but just not between the sheets and when it really comes down to it. Funny, seems everytime I've been with a woman on a date, they would say, "Sorry not feeling the sparks" of course, they never slept with me to "find things out." They were the smart NOT to do that. And yes, this is what people do when they know for a fact they could never be with someone from the first date and definitely never in any sexual way. It's only when a person sees more potential that further dates and then sex become involved. But still, it's only potential. It doesn't mean it'll work out. 1
RecentChange Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 So since both genders do it now, and now no longer feel bad about it because it's not such a terrible thing...it makes it okay? I'm seeing a, "If they jump off a bridge, do you go ahead and do it, too?" situation here. Two wrongs making a right. Just curious, why would anyone have sex with someone if they weren't into them? Because I don't think it's wrong. Because I don't equate it to jumping off a bridge. Because sex is AMAZING fun, feels good - and if it's between consenting adults who are open ans honest, I see nothing wrong with it. I am guessing FWB situations blow your mind. You may not like our answers, but they are coming from real life people, talking about their real experience in dating, sex and relationships. You can stay steadfast in your peculiar views regarding all of this - but I ask again, how is that working for you in the real world? 3
katiegrl Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) So since both genders do it now, and now no longer feel bad about it because it's not such a terrible thing...it makes it okay? I'm seeing a, "If they jump off a bridge, do you go ahead and do it, too?" situation here. Two wrongs making a right. Just curious, why would anyone have sex with someone if they weren't into them? LATP, this was said before, but feelings can be fleeting (and often confusing) especially in the early stages of dating/sex and getting to know each other. A person can think they're into someone, then wake up and realize they're not. Yup, just like that their feelings can change on a dime. Who knows why, but this is human nature, and if you had more experience dating and having relationships, I bet it would even happen to you. Human nature. No one said dumping someone immediately after sex, or EVER, feels good. No one, at least not that I know of feels good when they realize after sex, or whenever, their feelings/attraction has died. In fact to the contrary, the dumper feels horrible in most cases, which is why ghosting happens so often nowadays. The dumper, having realized that after expressing strong interest in the beginning, suddenly does not feel that way anymore.... feels shame and embarrassment and guilt, so they disappear.... yes doing this *is* cruel and heartless ..... and wrong! But losing interest, whether it happens the next day or a month later, or if they are in a long term relationship and, ten years later... THIS HAPPENS. There is NO right or wrong . Feelings cannot be right or wrong, they just *are* and again no one has any control over them. The only thing one can control are actions. So, if a woman, after having dated you for a few weeks, or longer, and having sex, realizes her feelings have changed, would you prefer she stay with you, even though she is no longer into you? Would that be better? Serious question. You seem to think she should stay, despite no longer being into you. Why? Yes she feels bad, I know I do when this has happened. Most people do. But again what should they do? Stay despite no longer being into you, or any man or woman? That makes no sense and is a completely unreasonable expectation. No right or wrong here, unless they ghost. THAT is cowardly.... and wrong. But if a woman tells you after dating a while, and having sex, that she is sorry but she no longer feels the same, for whatever reason, the gracious and mature thing to do is wish her well and move on. No sense in calling her a flake or selfish.... that is wrong and completely unfair. It is not selfish to lose interest, no offense but that is a ludicrous accusation..... And I am sure as you get a bit more experience under your belt, and start having relationships, that last longer than one of two dates, it will even happen to you ... Unless after having sex you propose marriage and she agreed, which I wouldn't recommend, but hey your life..... This is all part of human nature LATP, it might behoove you to pick up some good books and read about it for a better understanding..... just a suggestion. Edited June 14, 2016 by katiegrl 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 (edited) Because I don't think it's wrong. Because I don't equate it to jumping off a bridge. Because sex is AMAZING fun, feels good - and if it's between consenting adults who are open ans honest, I see nothing wrong with it. I am guessing FWB situations blow your mind. You may not like our answers, but they are coming from real life people, talking about their real experience in dating, sex and relationships. You can stay steadfast in your peculiar views regarding all of this - but I ask again, how is that working for you in the real world? It's working for me just fine, I don't risk the propagation of STI's among other things. I just don't take a cavalier attitude of "if it feels good do it" like others do as I am seeking someone that's on the same page with me on that. Yes, I don't do the FWB thing, I'd become too attached afterwards. I'd be a disaster. I've actually turned down opportunities to do so. Turns out, these women slept with numerous men without so much as batting an eye. I recall one complaining about how a guy "never called her back" after sleeping him. Bullet dodged and chances are her risk for infection is high since she's a high risk. Just not my lifestyle to sleep around with people until someone sticks around. So it's been working out for me just fine. ;-) The only thing one can control are actions. So, if a woman, after having dated you for a few weeks, or longer, and having sex, realizes her feelings have changed, would you prefer she stay with you, even though she is no longer into you? Would that be better? Serious question. You seem to think she should stay, despite no longer being into you. Why? Let me address this, as I'm a pretty good at figuring where a situation is going. I would never have gotten to the point of sleeping with a woman to be quite honest, because if I gave it enough time...I would figure out this is how she rolls. Usually I tend to find out their dating patterns when getting to know them. If they tend to have a "flavor of the month" thing going on, I move on. I can tell by their behavior in my circle of friends they will open their legs for anyone. I had one woman that liked me that asked me why I never tried to pursue her...not joking. I knew she would always binge drink during these parties and pretty much would rub up against any man dancing, make out with him, etc. I just told her my lifestyle was different from hers...kept it generic..didn't want to give her what I really thought. However, apparently, she was looking for a serious relationship...but was kind of surprised she had to sleep with multiple men until one guy decided do stick around...and now she's with him. That's just an example, but I can sometime get a pretty good read on people based on their actions and what they've told me. Edited June 14, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst
WhirlwindGuy Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 At least she was honest and told you. Instead of just ghosting, which seems to be the "go to" way of ending dating RLs these days.. I did thank my recent dumper for this. Even though it was bizarrely done, and leaves me reeling a bit...at least she didn't lead me on longer and then just disappear one day.
Jabron1 Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 It's working for me just fine, I don't risk the propagation of STI's among other things. I just don't take a cavalier attitude of "if it feels good do it" like others do as I am seeking someone that's on the same page with me on that. Yes, I don't do the FWB thing, I'd become too attached afterwards. I'd be a disaster. I've actually turned down opportunities to do so. Turns out, these women slept with numerous men without so much as batting an eye. I recall one complaining about how a guy "never called her back" after sleeping him. Bullet dodged and chances are her risk for infection is high since she's a high risk. Just not my lifestyle to sleep around with people until someone sticks around. So it's been working out for me just fine. ;-) Let me address this, as I'm a pretty good at figuring where a situation is going. I would never have gotten to the point of sleeping with a woman to be quite honest, because if I gave it enough time...I would figure out this is how she rolls. Usually I tend to find out their dating patterns when getting to know them. If they tend to have a "flavor of the month" thing going on, I move on. I can tell by their behavior in my circle of friends they will open their legs for anyone. I had one woman that liked me that asked me why I never tried to pursue her...not joking. I knew she would always binge drink during these parties and pretty much would rub up against any man dancing, make out with him, etc. I just told her my lifestyle was different from hers...kept it generic..didn't want to give her what I really thought. However, apparently, she was looking for a serious relationship...but was kind of surprised she had to sleep with multiple men until one guy decided do stick around...and now she's with him. That's just an example, but I can sometime get a pretty good read on people based on their actions and what they've told me. You need to take women off of the silly pedestal, mate. I'm spinning three plates right now (my limit). None of them meet your daft 'criteria', or 'madonna complex'. That is because I'm living in the real world, and they open up to me their passions. You need to accept women for what they are, rather than living in cloud cuckoo land. 4
Lady Hamilton Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 So since both genders do it now, and now no longer feel bad about it because it's not such a terrible thing...it makes it okay? I'm seeing a, "If they jump off a bridge, do you go ahead and do it, too?" situation here. Two wrongs making a right. What he means is that knowing that this isn't the oddity in the dating world that you seem to think it is, so it's reassuring to know that he's not the only one who feels as he does... Just curious, why would anyone have sex with someone if they weren't into them? Well, I kind of answered that... They look good on paper and you don't dislike them, so you have sex to see if there's anything there. Why? You don't necessarily don't want to break up with them, you may hope for that added feeling of attachment... And also we stopped stoning people for having sex outside of marriage awhile ago, so including it as a natural relationship progression is hardly the end of the world.
pteromom Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Sure you can, when the sex is "meh" or just full on bad, there are indeed, "no sparks" after sex. Whatever sparks were there are outright killed by the sex. True - but sparks don't only rely on sex. As she got to know you better, she may have discovered something about you that wasn't compatible with what she wanted in a partner, and that killed the "sparks". Some relationships bloom and others wither, and it has nothing to do with YOU - just how you and she work together.
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