LAtoChiGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Alrighty, so here's a quick and dirty - dated a girl like month and a half and things seemed to be going well. Good sex, told me she really liked me. Met my friends and invited me to a rock concert to meet her sister in late June. We're both in grad school so finals week we got super busy but still texted every day. After our finals I told her I wanted to take her to dinner but she said she wanted to relax. I said, okay, I'll see you Sunday (her choir was performing and it was established I was going). She's like, about that... And told me she loved hanging out, gave the friends speech, and cited "no sparks." What confuses me is I thought sparks were known right away, not 6 weeks later. I thought sparks led to physical fun - which we had. So I was thrown for a loop. Anyway, I'm still going to that concert with some different friends (hey, not going to let my ticket go to waste) and she said she wanted to see me there, so maybe some N.C. time will help things. Who knows.
smackie9 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 She's either being honest with you and her feelings haven't progressed so she's ending it OR she has met someone else she is interested in...either way you are out of luck. 2
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Alrighty, so here's a quick and dirty - dated a girl like month and a half and things seemed to be going well. Good sex, told me she really liked me. Met my friends and invited me to a rock concert to meet her sister in late June. We're both in grad school so finals week we got super busy but still texted every day. After our finals I told her I wanted to take her to dinner but she said she wanted to relax. I said, okay, I'll see you Sunday (her choir was performing and it was established I was going). She's like, about that... And told me she loved hanging out, gave the friends speech, and cited "no sparks." What confuses me is I thought sparks were known right away, not 6 weeks later. I thought sparks led to physical fun - which we had. So I was thrown for a loop. Anyway, I'm still going to that concert with some different friends (hey, not going to let my ticket go to waste) and she said she wanted to see me there, so maybe some N.C. time will help things. Who knows. Wow, yet another "no sparks" AFTER sex, with so many "no sparks" BEFORE sex posts, I bet some men prefer the "after". lol. You really cannot cite "no sparks' after sex, otherwise you would not have HAD sex. Man these experiences I keep reading about seriously contradict each other. 2
I Just Wanna b Happy Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 You got intimate so what's the problem? More than likely she has a plethora of sex partners and you was just one. You hit it so move on to your next conquest.. 1
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 You got intimate so what's the problem? More than likely she has a plethora of sex partners and you was just one. You hit it so move on to your next conquest.. Lol, I guess the problem is I found myself enjoying the time we spent together before the bedroom more and more.
WhirlwindGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Wow, yet another "no sparks" AFTER sex, with so many "no sparks" BEFORE sex posts, I bet some men prefer the "after". lol. You really cannot cite "no sparks' after sex, otherwise you would not have HAD sex. Man these experiences I keep reading about seriously contradict each other. I had an almost exact situation as the OP...I would have much rather never had sex, got attached, etc...It would make today so much easier. 1
GemmaUK Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 This is the problem when someone gives someone a chance after persuasion or hoping the feelings will grow. It often doesn't work. 5
RecentChange Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Eh, I have had the no sparks AFTER sex. He was perfect on paper. We could gab for hours, a lot of similar views on life. Funny, smart, successful, even attractive! Should be perfect right? Sex was, just okay. I don't know why beyond "no sparks" we liked each other but there was no passion. I felt like I was trying to make something work that wasn't there. I didn't get excited about him like I do when that spark, chemistry, whatever you want to call it is there. 11
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I had an almost exact situation as the OP...I would have much rather never had sex, got attached, etc...It would make today so much easier. Yeah, those Whirlwind (no pun intended) relationships fizzle as soon as its started. Funny how the MEN are getting attached after sex and the women are now just dumping the guys. I recall a conversation with a woman about this and she seemed to feel good about how "the tables have turned" now. As if two wrongs made right. Women are getting like the men now, it used to be that women would get attached via bonding via sex, now some are just as emotionally bankrupt as the male players are.
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I think two people can feel lots of sparks prior to having sex, hence why they're having sex! But often times, after sex (and this goes for both men and women), feelings change, the spark dies. Not sure why, except perhaps they had high expectations that the sex would be off the charts or something, then when it wasn't, they got disappointed and whatever spark was there just fizzled out. People are allowed to change their minds you know. Just cuz two people feel chemistry (the spark) and have sex, that doesn't automatically mean they're obligated to feel that for the rest of their lives. In fact, may men on this board have attested to the fact they won't even commit to a RL before having sex first..... for the reason I just said. 2
dobielover Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Wow, yet another "no sparks" AFTER sex, with so many "no sparks" BEFORE sex posts, I bet some men prefer the "after". lol. You really cannot cite "no sparks' after sex, otherwise you would not have HAD sex. Man these experiences I keep reading about seriously contradict each other. Sure you can, when the sex is "meh" or just full on bad, there are indeed, "no sparks" after sex. Whatever sparks were there are outright killed by the sex. 8
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 Sure you can, when the sex is "meh" or just full on bad, there are indeed, "no sparks" after sex. Whatever sparks were there are outright killed by the sex. I would tend to agree, but in my case we had a good amount of sex so it wasn't like the very first time killed it. Plus, I gave her an out before buying my concert ticket. I double checked if she was cool with me meeting her sister. It seemed like we were moving from casual dating to purposeful dating - too early for the bf/gf labels but things were going well I thought.
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I think two people can feel lots of sparks prior to having sex, hence why they're having sex! But often times, after sex (and this goes for both men and women), feelings change, the spark dies. And thus these people can be considered not someone you'd want to date in the long term, much less marriage. Not sure why, except perhaps they had high expectations that the sex would be off the charts or something, then when it wasn't, they got disappointed and whatever spark was there just fizzled out. People are allowed to change their minds you know. Thus the evolved flakiness of short lasting relationships and rising divorces. It's really just an excuse to pump and dump each other. Sure people are allowed to change their minds, but I've written quite a few people like these out of my life. The fickleness of individuals has increased. In fact, many men on this board have attested to the fact they won't even commit to a RL before having sex first..... for the reason I just said. How sad for them. I wonder how many men have pumped and dumped these women before committing to said relationship?
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) I would tend to agree, but in my case we had a good amount of sex so it wasn't like the very first time killed it. Plus, I gave her an out before buying my concert ticket. I double checked if she was cool with me meeting her sister. It seemed like we were moving from casual dating to purposeful dating - too early for the bf/gf labels but things were going well I thought. Well perhaps she was just going through the motions. You got along and it's someone to date and do things with. And sex can be good, but something is still missing, good RLs involve much more than just good sex. And maybe the sex wasn't even all that good for her anyway. Unless you're a mind reader, you actually have no idea what's going on in her head. Things are not always how they appear to be... and women are not the only ones who are guilty of this either. Or maybe after spending more time with you, she just changed her mind. At least she was honest and told you. Instead of just ghosting, which seems to be the "go to" way of ending dating RLs these days.. Edited June 13, 2016 by katiegrl 2
xxoo Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Sometimes people give it a chance when there is high compatibility but no spark, hoping that the sparks will grow. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. If it does, she will likely grow very attached. And no, people don't need spark to have sex. Most people strongly prefer it, of course. 2
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I have to kind of laugh, and say if some of us who had dates that said, "Sorry, but I felt no spark." Should I say, "Well, how about we have sex and just confirm this okay? You know...just to make sure, yes?" LOL I just know of a lot of dates where there was no spark that usually never wound up in sex, not the other way around.
GemmaUK Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 It's al the reasons I no longer date I there's no spark and why I almost certainly Also the reason I don't go for OLD barely anymore. It's pretty simple to see from photos and profiles or even just a mail or two who you know you would not have any spark with.
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 And thus these people can be considered not someone you'd want to date in the long term, much less marriage. Thus the evolved flakiness of short lasting relationships and rising divorces. It's really just an excuse to pump and dump each other. Sure people are allowed to change their minds, but I've written quite a few people like these out of my life. The fickleness of individuals has increased. How sad for them. I wonder how many men have pumped and dumped these women before committing to said relationship? So you think a chick is flakey because after getting to know you, her feelings changed and she changed her mind? You think it's sad because some men and women wish to gauge sexual compatibility and chemistry before committing to a RL? Do you honestly believe that if a chick feels an initial spark with you, and has sex with you, that she is obligated to feel that way for the rest of her life? Or even the next day? You sound very very RIGID and controlling and I for one think that is very sad. But good luck with that! 4
Author LAtoChiGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 Sometimes people give it a chance when there is high compatibility but no spark, hoping that the sparks will grow. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. If it does, she will likely grow very attached. And no, people don't need spark to have sex. Most people strongly prefer it, of course. Hmm, this was a good reply I think for my situation. I would say our compatibility was extremely high and to me that matters a lot. I'll probably see her at the show in a few weeks, any possible way to spark something / re-spark whatever I had early on with her? Or once its done its gone completely?
Dis Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Hmm, this was a good reply I think for my situation. I would say our compatibility was extremely high and to me that matters a lot. I'll probably see her at the show in a few weeks, any possible way to spark something / re-spark whatever I had early on with her? Or once its done its gone completely? Hun...dont hold out hope for a girl that dumped you Insist on being with someone who WANTS you and never stoped wanting you Trying to get back with her would be a desperate move Plenty of fish in the sea hun...no need to settle
RecentChange Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 You really cannot cite "no sparks' after sex, otherwise you would not have HAD sex. Eh, not everyone has to be head over heels before they have sex. Sometimes he is hot / fun / good looking - even though you know that long term its not going to work. Or like others pointed out, sometimes the sex can kill any spark that was there. Yeah, those Whirlwind (no pun intended) relationships fizzle as soon as its started. Yeah, they dated for a month - I didn't see the OP saying anything about it being a worlwind, perhaps she was luke warm at best this whole time. Its kinda how dating works - some times it lasts for only a month before you know its a no go. Women are getting like the men now, it used to be that women would get attached via bonding via sex, now some are just as emotionally bankrupt as the male players are. Different people get different things out of sex. This may be shocking, but not everyone who has sex is looking to get attached / bonded to that person, and it doesn't mean that they are emotionally bankrupt. They just have different views on sex than you do. - Another area where its important to be compatible! And thus these people can be considered not someone you'd want to date in the long term, much less marriage. Thus the evolved flakiness of short lasting relationships and rising divorces. It's really just an excuse to pump and dump each other. Sure people are allowed to change their minds, but I've written quite a few people like these out of my life. The fickleness of individuals has increased. So, if someone dates for a month, and says "hey not feeling it" - then they aren't relationship material - got it. When I was dating Mr. "perfect on paper" and starting to wonder why I was so "eh" about him - I met someone, and oh my were there sparks! Fire works!!! Immediately told Mr. paper this wasn't working out. Started to date Mr. Sparks - it was a whirlwind! Immediate head over heels craziness. We are still together 15 years later. Obviously what works for some people, doesn't work for others. This has worked for me.
funnyman7878 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 no sparks = the sex was not good you may have thought it was good but she apparently did not, so move on
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 So you think a chick is flakey because after getting to know you, her feelings changed and she changed her mind? You think it's sad because some men and women wish to gauge sexual compatibility and chemistry before committing to a RL? Yes, I find it immoral to tire kick or test drive. It's rather an out for some people who say this to just to get laid actually. The whole, "If you love me, you'll have sex with me" card. The motive behind this is disturbing. Do you honestly believe that if a chick feels an initial spark with you, and has sex with you, that she is obligated to feel that way for the rest of her life? Or even the next day? She's not obligated to do anything, but rest assured I'd consider her pretty much cold, lacks compassion, and cares nothing of the person. To toss a person aside like a rag doll is sad, but hey..."Good luck living with yourself." ;-)
oldshirt Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 This was simply a near miss. you may have a number of those until one sticks. It doesn't mean that you did anything wrong or that you aren't a good, decent person - just not the right one for her. There was at least enough attraction to get into bed in the first place. But sex certainly does not guarantee a continuing relationship and sex is absolutely not any kind of contract. Dating is an interview and tryout/probationary period to spend time with someone and get to know them to determine if that person is the one you want to marry and have a home and family with or not. In this case she determined you were in the "or not" category. It hurts to be rejected of course, but there is no shame in this and it is always better to end things sooner rather than later once you know someone is not 'the one.' Scratch her off the list and go on with your own life and don't look back and don't take yourself off of the market for her. Don't hope for anything in the future and do not invest anything emotionally into her going into the future. If she gets lonely one night and calls you up for a booty call, follow your own values and moral compass and beliefs on how to deal with that, but do not allow yourself to become emotionally invested. Get back on the dating market and start dating other girls and don't look back.
xxoo Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Hmm, this was a good reply I think for my situation. I would say our compatibility was extremely high and to me that matters a lot. I'll probably see her at the show in a few weeks, any possible way to spark something / re-spark whatever I had early on with her? Or once its done its gone completely? I'd consider it a failure to launch. She gave it a try because compatibility was high, but she never managed to feel it on the spark level. 1
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