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Said she just wants to be friends now but "not sure what the future holds."

SoThatHappened

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SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

Posted
Posted

Long story that I'm hoping to shorten through bullet points.

 

- Me (36 M), her (31 F)

- Met on OLD in December

- Took me over a month just to get her on the phone (we were just texting), because she "wasn't ready to talk on the phone yet."

- Finally got her to have a phone conversation after another few weeks, and we really communicated well.

- After a second phone conversation, finally got her to agree to a date (2.5 months after meeting on OLD)

- Great date, but she brought up her 2 previous relationships a little too much (her ex husband and the guy who dumped her about 8 months prior to our date)

- After a second date (no intimacy or kissing), I was getting tired of how slowly things were going. So, I straight up asked her if this was going anywhere. Her reponse, "I don't know. I want it to but I'm not sure."

- So, I said we needed to talk, got her on the phone, and after probing a little further, she admitted she was still hurt from her last relationship.

 

- That's when I told her that I wasn't willing to wait around and "date" her if she was still recovering (I've been there), but I could just be an acquaintance.

 

- She was alright with it, but then a switch seemed to go off. She started initiating texts and asking to hang out more.

- We go on a few more dates, I help her move, and she seems flirty (still not even a kiss).

 

- This past weekend, we were supposed to go to a blues fest but she warned me that if it was going to be hot, she will get "pissy."

- So I called off the date. I don't want to deal with someone who's warning me that she's going to be pissy.

 

- I told her that I was sorry for cancelling, but I can't just sit back and be her "friend" until she either gets over the last guy or finds someone she maybe truly likes while basically using me as a crutch.

 

- She said she can't lose me. She loves hanging out with me, time flies when she's with me, and I make her feel like a million bucks.

 

- I said, "Why not date me then?" She responded that she's "afraid of it working or not working."

 

- I told her I can't do it, but she's now begging me to stay in her life.

 

So, my question... what do others think is going on? And, do I just completely cut her off? I'm not willing to be a "Plan B" guy.

 

Thanks

  • Like 2
Alamo657 Established Member

Alamo657

Posted
Posted
Long story that I'm hoping to shorten through bullet points.

 

- Me (36 M), her (31 F)

- Met on OLD in December

- Took me over a month just to get her on the phone (we were just texting), because she "wasn't ready to talk on the phone yet."

- Finally got her to have a phone conversation after another few weeks, and we really communicated well.

- After a second phone conversation, finally got her to agree to a date (2.5 months after meeting on OLD)

- Great date, but she brought up her 2 previous relationships a little too much (her ex husband and the guy who dumped her about 8 months prior to our date)

- After a second date (no intimacy or kissing), I was getting tired of how slowly things were going. So, I straight up asked her if this was going anywhere. Her reponse, "I don't know. I want it to but I'm not sure."

- So, I said we needed to talk, got her on the phone, and after probing a little further, she admitted she was still hurt from her last relationship.

 

- That's when I told her that I wasn't willing to wait around and "date" her if she was still recovering (I've been there), but I could just be an acquaintance.

 

- She was alright with it, but then a switch seemed to go off. She started initiating texts and asking to hang out more.

- We go on a few more dates, I help her move, and she seems flirty (still not even a kiss).

 

- This past weekend, we were supposed to go to a blues fest but she warned me that if it was going to be hot, she will get "pissy."

- So I called off the date. I don't want to deal with someone who's warning me that she's going to be pissy.

 

- I told her that I was sorry for cancelling, but I can't just sit back and be her "friend" until she either gets over the last guy or finds someone she maybe truly likes while basically using me as a crutch.

 

- She said she can't lose me. She loves hanging out with me, time flies when she's with me, and I make her feel like a million bucks.

 

- I said, "Why not date me then?" She responded that she's "afraid of it working or not working."

 

- I told her I can't do it, but she's now begging me to stay in her life.

 

So, my question... what do others think is going on? And, do I just completely cut her off? I'm not willing to be a "Plan B" guy.

 

Thanks

 

This girl seem to have been deepy scarred by recent/past relationships and has trust issues.

 

If you work at cracking her shell, when the relationship ends, she will be even more deeply scarred.

 

My motto : no spark/hot kissing after second date = not really interested = NEXT.

  • Like 1
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted

This reminds me of when I started dating a guy just after my divorce. Having not yet resolved emotions from the divorce, I jumped into a relationship. That ended within months. I was suffering two blows. I jumped on OLD again. I met a guy.

 

I was emotionally unavailable. The only reason I wanted this guy in my life was because he was kind, smart, sensitive, caring, etc. But just like this woman, I'd sometimes get irritable when around him or if there was a date coming up. Irritability because I knew deep down inside I was forcing it, and that I had to put up with pretending but I could not let him go because he was a crutch.

 

I liked him but I liked him for all the wrong reasons. I wanted him around for companionship. I wanted him around because there was a part of me that wanted it to work with him and I was fearful of letting him go because I didn't think I'd be able to find someone like him again, regardless of the fact that I wasn't truly emotionally invested in him.

 

This went on for about 9 months. He finally asked me one day, "Is this ever going to go anywhere?" We both knew the answer. We went separate ways. A couple of years later, he made contact. It never went anywhere because I looked at him differently -- now with emotional and mental clarity. Granted he was still a great guy but I think I stayed with him only because, as she said -- time flies when she's with me, and I make her feel like a million bucks.

 

You're a distraction. A transitional man that takes her away from her pain, for now.

 

Let her go. She needs to heal. Don't be her crutch.

  • Like 4
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

The only pie you can eat, is the pie that's on the menu today.

 

Pie in the future is no pie at all.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 3
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SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

Posted
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Wow, Zahara... that makes 100% sense to me. Every word.

 

She jumped from a divorce, to another guy who ripped her heart out, to OLD. It feels like I've just been a void-filler for her.

 

She can't tell me enough times how much she loves having me in her life, but romantically it has gone nowhere.

 

Sucks, because I waited a looong time to be ready to date as I knew I was no good to anyone while recovering from a previous relationship.

 

Thank you so much for sharing. I think I need to convince her to just let me go.

  • Like 1
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted

Whatever is going on isn't going to work out for you. She's up and down like a see saw, move on.

  • Like 3
SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted

If you told her you can't wait around, don't want to be her "friend" or Plan B guy, then do that.

 

Waffling now will only confirm to her that she doesn't want to be with you.

 

Be nice to her. Wish her well. Then, move on with your life.

  • Like 2
oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted

I can't really answer any of your specific questions or address any of her or your specific issues.

 

 

But I will offer you this bit of general advice. Be the leader of your relationships. You set the course, express your objectives and your destinations and communicate how you want to get there.

 

 

The right one will be the one that wants to go to the same place and follows you and supports the journey to it's final destination.

 

 

The others will fall along the wayside. If someone doesn't want to go where you want to go and/or doesn't want to follow your lead, let them go.

 

 

She hasn't really even made it out of the parking lot yet.

 

 

Continue on your journey without her.

 

 

Find someone on the same path as you and who wants to make your journey with you.

 

 

(I also agree with Zahara that she is just using you as an ego stroke and a distraction, but that is a different topic for another discussion)

  • Like 4
oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted
I think I need to convince her to just let me go.

 

 

 

I'm not knocking you and I don't mean this to sound like an azz or to be mean, that is kind of a dumb thing to say when you sit back and think about it.

 

 

You don't have her now. Nor does she have you. There is nothing here to let go of.

 

 

There is nothing here to let go of and neither is there any reason that you would need to 'convince' her to let you go. She is already ambivalent about you at best anyway.

 

 

I'm not necessarily saying you should do this, but if you were to ghost her and simply stop calling her or contacting her, you would probably never hear from her again.

.

I don't want to be hurtful, but there is really no actual relationship here. You are both just kind of distracting each other and entertaining each other. Either one of you would drop the other in a heartbeat the moment you met someone you actually clicked and connected with. It's just a matter of time before it's you or her.

  • Like 1
Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

Posted
Posted

You are a rebound. Sorry but you should move on.

  • Like 1
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted (edited)

She jumped from a divorce, to another guy who ripped her heart out, to OLD. It feels like I've just been a void-filler for her.

 

She can't tell me enough times how much she loves having me in her life, but romantically it has gone nowhere.

 

Sucks, because I waited a looong time to be ready to date as I knew I was no good to anyone while recovering from a previous relationship.

 

Thank you so much for sharing. I think I need to convince her to just let me go.

 

You are welcome, STH.

 

It isn't your responsibility to convince her to let you go. You need to let go because it is your sole responsibility to protect yourself and move on from her. Remember, that she's going to be looking out for her own interests, rather than focusing on how unfair this is to you.

 

She's going to try and keep you in her life because it's easier to look outward than to focus inward and heal her wounds on her own. Don't be an enabler. It will only hurt you.

Edited by Zahara
  • Like 2
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SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

Posted
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Posted

Got it. I knew what the answer was I guess, just didn't know what the reasoning was. Felt like I was being a crutch as I've been in limbo for basically 5 months.

 

Sucks. As uptight and difficult as she's been, it was nice to have an attractive woman to hang out with. That was when I thought it was going somewhere.

 

As MKD mentioned, I'll be nice, wish her well, and move on.

  • Like 2
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SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

Posted
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See, this is what she does. Just got a text after not talking since telling her I can't be friends on Saturday:

 

"Can I ask you a technology question?"

 

I'm a civil engineer... it seems like she just keeps trying to stay in touch.

oldshirt Established Member

oldshirt

Posted
Posted
Got it. I knew what the answer was I guess, just didn't know what the reasoning was. Felt like I was being a crutch as I've been in limbo for basically 5 months.

 

Sucks. As uptight and difficult as she's been, it was nice to have an attractive woman to hang out with. That was when I thought it was going somewhere.

 

As MKD mentioned, I'll be nice, wish her well, and move on.

 

That is all fair.

 

 

It was worth a try and you gave it more than the ol' college try. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

 

You had hopes that it may go somewhere but it didn't. No harm no foul as long as you accept reality and keep moving forward with your life.

 

 

Be nice, wish her well and move on is a solid plan.

  • Like 1
Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted
See, this is what she does. Just got a text after not talking since telling her I can't be friends on Saturday:

 

"Can I ask you a technology question?"

 

I'm a civil engineer... it seems like she just keeps trying to stay in touch.

 

Yes, because she needs to rope you in and have you in her life in some fashion. Otherwise, the alternative would be to face her pain on her own. Again, she needs you as her crutch.

 

She's not even respecting your need to step away. This is all about her ability to cope and absolutely nothing about you.

Zahara Established Member

Zahara

Posted
Posted

Remember when you pulled back and told her you couldn't continue anymore and suddenly she started warming up to you? Well, same thing. You're pulling back and she's trying to get you back in.

 

STH, I've read your responses to other people's threads and you give sound and mature advice. It's hard to see when your heart is clouded but I'm sure deep down you know her motives and you know this isn't worth investing in anymore. Cat and mouse chase, a few dates and a couple of kisses -- don't let that sway you into possibly hurting yourself even more in the long run.

 

She can have supermodel looks and it's definitely a nice feeling to have someone in your life, but if it's already smelling toxic at such an early stage, all that doesn't matter.

  • Like 1
phineas Established Member

phineas

Posted
Posted
Got it. I knew what the answer was I guess, just didn't know what the reasoning was. Felt like I was being a crutch as I've been in limbo for basically 5 months.

 

Sucks. As uptight and difficult as she's been, it was nice to have an attractive woman to hang out with. That was when I thought it was going somewhere.

 

As MKD mentioned, I'll be nice, wish her well, and move on.

 

I know this woman and a few of her twin sisters.

ignore

ignore

ingore

 

When she losses her chit rapid texting you, tell her "look, you know what I want, if you don't want the same thing stop wasting my time."

 

she will leave you alone or tell you she wants the same thing.

 

At that point you tell her to come over.

Then you take her to pound town.

 

She don't want to come over?

ignore.

 

I hate to say it but women like this need to know when the free attention train is at the station.

 

However if you do succeed in getting this girl into bed be prepared for either more of the same or stage 5 clinger.

 

Yes, you may all think i'm a horrible person for figuring the one weird trick for dealing with women like this but, "damaged" or not this woman is an adult and she is fully aware of what she is doing to the OP and it's time for him to start being a little bit of a jerk since being a nice guy doesn't work so well for him.

  • Like 1
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SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Remember when you pulled back and told her you couldn't continue anymore and suddenly she started warming up to you? Well, same thing. You're pulling back and she's trying to get you back in.

 

STH, I've read your responses to other people's threads and you give sound and mature advice. It's hard to see when your heart is clouded but I'm sure deep down you know her motives and you know this isn't worth investing in anymore. Cat and mouse chase, a few dates and a couple of kisses -- don't let that sway you into possibly hurting yourself even more in the long run.

 

She can have supermodel looks and it's definitely a nice feeling to have someone in your life, but if it's already smelling toxic at such an early stage, all that doesn't matter.

Yep, first time I told her I was bowing out, she wanted to hang out more.

 

Thank you for the kind words and advice.

 

Turns out her "technology" question was how I hooked up her TV when I moved her.

 

I told her to just take pictures and make sure to plug them in the same way. That was it.

 

I have a feeling I'm just going to have to reinforce that I can't be friends since she seems to be still testing my boundaries.

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SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

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When she losses her chit rapid texting you,

That's what she did when I said I couldn't see her or be friends anymore. Rapid texting. All of a sudden she checks her texts when it used to take hours to respond?

she will leave you alone or tell you she wants the same thing.

Good advice.

4x4storm Established Member

4x4storm

Posted
Posted

I had to comment when I seen this thread.

 

I had exactly the same thing happen a few weeks ago but it happened in a much shorter time frame. Met a girl on OLD we texted heavily for 2 weeks until we met up for coffee. Best date of my life it was like something out of a movie we talked for 2 hours none stop. Walked her back to the car she said this was the best date she had ever been on and would like to continue seeing me.

 

Second date rolls around and boom it was a disaster she sat on her phone the whole time. I held her hand and she dropped it for a fake phone call I was having a terrible time so when the date ended I went for the kiss and she rejected it.

 

Got a txt hours later saying "Sorry we should just be friends but there might be something between us in the future". We stopped talking for 4 days until she asked what I was doing on the weekend I simply said I was going on date. Let's just say she didn't like that very much :D

 

I just keep her in my contacts now and will send her a msg once in awhile but I don't look at her now as a potential partner or even friend.

  • 3 months later...
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SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Back to update this instead of making a new thread:

 

Long story short, I never quit seeing this girl (platonically). Why? I don't know. I quit OLD months ago and didn't meet anyone else I was attracted to. I just kept hanging out with her.

 

We've spent about every other weekend together, going to comedy shows, sitting on my deck, watching fireworks down town, going fishing, etc.

 

We talked back in June and decided that we were just friends. I was alright with it.

 

Then, the last 2 times we hung out, were just different. She seemed to want to be with me more than friends.

 

After not hanging out with her this weekend, I get the following texts:

 

"I missed not getting to see you this weekend"

 

"When my mom found out you were an engineer, she said marry him. My dad loves how you take care of me. My friends say they can see me smiling when I talk about you on the phone."

 

"I love you, just trying to figure out what type of love. I went on a date today and felt nothing.

 

"I love you and wanted to say it two weeks ago, and then again last weekend."

 

I was actually really surprised. I could tell she was warming up to me, but honestly I felt that we had developed a good friendship. I gave up on it being anything more.

 

So, after 7 months of hanging out, she's on a date and then tells me she loves me.

 

Confused as to her comment on "just figuring out what type of love."

 

I can walk away now unscathed. Don't want to fall for her if this won't go anywhere.

doyathinkso Established Member

doyathinkso

Posted
Posted

If you don't know by now then it just ain't gonna be.

 

I mean, Christ on a crutch!, you've been jerked around by this drama queen for how long???

 

Trust me, if it's real you are gonna know right away.

  • Like 1
strawberryshortstack Established Member

strawberryshortstack

Posted
Posted
Wow, Zahara... that makes 100% sense to me. Every word.

 

She jumped from a divorce, to another guy who ripped her heart out, to OLD. It feels like I've just been a void-filler for her.

 

She can't tell me enough times how much she loves having me in her life, but romantically it has gone nowhere.

 

Sucks, because I waited a looong time to be ready to date as I knew I was no good to anyone while recovering from a previous relationship.

 

Thank you so much for sharing. I think I need to convince her to just let me go.

 

Don't bother trying to convince her. Convince yourself, and walk away. She can't force you to be in her life.

Lansing Established Member

Lansing

Posted
Posted

And how are you reacting to her declarations of "love"??

 

I would be very careful if I were you. It sounds like she is okay with going out with other guys and trying to find a spark but because she isn't finding that with someone else she is leaning on you as a backup plan.

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SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

Posted
  • Author
Posted
you've been jerked around by this drama queen for how long???

No jerking around. I tried to date her, she said she wasn't ready, so we were friends.

 

I honestly didn't see anything going beyond that and actually treated her as a friend.

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