Im seriously worried about my relationship and it got nothing to do with distance

[emi]

Hi

Me again.

Im in LDR with my bf for almost 2 years now. Soon i will be moving to him. Therefore, im stressing out about my life there. Improving my language skills and look at what i can do is all im doing at the moment.

 

I want to have a official job. But its also my dream to start a business. It sounds too big for new comer like me with basically little knowledge of his country. I have googled, talked with a few people i know that live there, but it doesnt seems like i get what i need.

 

Im stressing out.

 

But when i talk to hjm about my concern, it never last more than 10min conversation. He started to get distracted and brought up some bull**** irrelevant stuff. I felt like all my concern is in vain. This guy cant share my burden. He has done this the second time now. I felt like my feeling for him is breaking off.

 

Im disapointed. I never hope for a rich or handsome guy, but i want to feel shared, and understood.

 

Beside this everything else is ok...so im not sure what i should do..i feel like if he keep doing this i would better off being single and free. Moving to him put much burden on me , if i didnt love him i would be saving much effort but he doesnt capable of sharing

[ExpatInItaly]

I also live abroad and it is no small undertaking, particularly if you don't already speak the language. You have to understand that your skills and talents might not be recognized in your new country, and you will likely have to begin from a lower-paying or less important job than you are used to. That's not to say you cannot develop your career over time, but you will have a learning curve in front of you and the competition will be high if you are competing against locals for jobs.

 

What is your plan on arrival? Where will you stay, work, etc? Have you looked into setting up a bank account, health care, and so on? How will you pick up the language and integrate into the society? These are all critical factors to consider.

 

If you feel he isn't being compassionate or really isn't listening to your concerns, I would strongly advise you against moving. You are not likely to find him to be much more caring after your arrival.

 

Speaking from experience, changing countries is a big decision. I did it alone, and I think it's better to be independent than have to rely on someone who isn't really invested.

[lazcas]

Doesn't seem like he is the supportive type, it will be very difficult for you to deal with such a big change with no support from him. If he is as selfish as he seems it doesn't seem like a good idea to uproot your life for him, is it really worth it?

[T-16bullseyeWompRat]

Try talking to him about what support looks like to you. Maybe he thinks taking your mind off stuff that is causing you to have anxiety is helping. My wife worries about things that could possibly be. I try and take her mind off things that arent a guarantee that is causing her anxiety. Lots of times by trying to change the subject to "bulls*** irrelevant stuff". It bugs her sometimes, like im not interested in her struggles, but that isnt true. I just deal with them differently than her. It equally bugs me when she is thinking of all the bad possibilities and dwelling on them. Im more of a "if chit hits the fan we will deal with it then" type person and dont dwell on what negatives could possibly happen. After so many years we have learned how each other thinks and responds to anxiety. We have learned that its ok to not deal with stress in the same manner and its ok not to stress over the same stuff.

 

But we have equally learned how to step into each other shoes from time to time. It took communication, (read arguments) to get there. But that is ok. An argument is not always a bad thing. You are upset right now, therefore having second thoughts. Understandable! Cant say after 16+ years together and nearly 10 of them married we've never had second thoughts. Thats part of a relationship IMO.

 

Tell him how he is making you feel. Ask him why he does it. Maybe you will learn to understand each other a little better. With better understanding of one another you can choose weather or not you are a good match. Or weather or not this is a deal breaker anyway. You can also learn to empathize better knowing how each other responds to stress and what each other needs to deal with it.

 

Good luck!

[Els]

What visa will you be using to move to him? I don't think most visas allow you to start a business - I needed to get residency before I could even consider it.

 

That being said, it's concerning that he isn't addressing your concerns before you move. Have you been to visit him before? When you say 'move', is it an easily reversible move like a Working Holiday, or a more permanent one like taking a degree there? Do you like where he lives? What are the plans for financial/living arrangements when you move to him?

[Lois_Griffin]

Jesus. I wouldn't even move to the next STATE (25 miles to the border) for any man, much less to an entirely different country.

 

And I SURE as hell wouldn't make that kind of sacrifice for someone who doesn't even want to discuss my dreams or goals with me.

 

You're making a huge mistake.