NO CONTACT is so crucial to healing

[kztar]

Well hello everyone, I just want to tell everyone who is fresh out of a breakup to HANG in there things will get better in time. I hated when people told me this but honestly is the truth.

 

My ex dumped me like trash and I did ALL the wrong things. Everything you shouldn't do. Begged and pleaded for a few weeks, wrote a letter. (Never do this). I lost 15 pounds. Took me A whole lot to get to where I am today.

 

At the initial stage of the breakup, all I would hope for is for him to come back to me and tell me that it was all a mistake. A month later he had a new girlfriend who he was official with. This finally killed my stupid hopes and made me angry.

 

A few months after I began dating again, and met someone who I really like. Turns out I no longer give a flying F about the ex. Yesterday he followed me on INSTAGRAM and LIKED one of my pictures. WOA what was that about?. My page is public. Looks like my buddy is now single again and looking for a way to reconnect with me. Looks like his GIGS have not lasted very long. I refuse to block him because I refuse to give him a reaction which I know is what he is looking for. I know this guy very well, he will slide through my DM any moment.

 

A few months back, I would have died for this. Now I could care less about his life. My breakup was in January, so time is your best friend. Maintain NC and things will get better.

 

Just want to give those struggling now some hope. STAY STRONG.

[keiji]

Thanks kztar. It's always encouraging to read positive experiences. I usually share mine in the "how are you coping today" thread so that people who are in the early stages of recovery can also get a glimpse of what it feels like a bit further down the road (today it's an exception since i'm not doing very well, though. A minor setback).

 

Congrats on such a fast recovery too. I've improved incredibly in the last few months with some ups and downs along the way. I also think NC is the way to go. Fend off the source of pain. Pretend they're dead if necessary. But just focus on your recovery, whatever it takes.

 

Good luck with that new relationship!

[urmysong]

It's been 3 months since he broke up with me. But still sucks in my heart. I begged and pleaded. Hundreds of emails sent. It's really difficult to move on cause we have 4 year old son. And I think it is really true "first love never dies". I wanted to check my emails but it hurts so much when no emails from him. So I stopped checking my emails 1 month already. I want to check emails because maybe he has emails about our son, asking something like how is he doing. I wanted to send pictures of our son to him but he is not asking. I don't want to email him anymore. Sometimes I wish we had no son. But our son is my greatest treasure ever. He is the only one I have. Why does love hurts so much? Why?

[kztar]

Thanks kztar. It's always encouraging to read positive experiences. I usually share mine in the "how are you coping today" thread so that people who are in the early stages of recovery can also get a glimpse of what it feels like a bit further down the road (today it's an exception since i'm not doing very well, though. A minor setback).

 

Congrats on such a fast recovery too. I've improved incredibly in the last few months with some ups and downs along the way. I also think NC is the way to go. Fend off the source of pain. Pretend they're dead if necessary. But just focus on your recovery, whatever it takes.

 

Good luck with that new relationship!

 

Hi Keiji,

 

Im glad to hear you're doing better. Im so happy to hear that you are on the road to recovery. We all take different amounts of time to recover.

 

What really helped me move on faster and recover is TAKING the ex of that pedestal. We usually focus on all the great things with the ex rather than the actual reality. Once we look at the real deal we start seeing things for what they are, rather than what we want them to be.

 

Remember, don't look back, things will get better.

 

Please feel free to post here for encouragement. This forum helped me ALOT.

[kztar]

It's been 3 months since he broke up with me. But still sucks in my heart. I begged and pleaded. Hundreds of emails sent. It's really difficult to move on cause we have 4 year old son. And I think it is really true "first love never dies". I wanted to check my emails but it hurts so much when no emails from him. So I stopped checking my emails 1 month already. I want to check emails because maybe he has emails about our son, asking something like how is he doing. I wanted to send pictures of our son to him but he is not asking. I don't want to email him anymore. Sometimes I wish we had no son. But our son is my greatest treasure ever. He is the only one I have. Why does love hurts so much? Why?

 

urmysong, Im so sorry you are in pain. Please have faith that things will get better. You WILL move on from this, YOU will recover and YOU will be stronger. Begging and pleading is normal, I remember feeling so low after doing this and receiving such poor treatment.

 

Real love never dies. I still care for my ex, not in that in love way. I wish him well but I don't really care about his whereabouts anymore.

 

I know this must be hard for you because you have a child with this man, however for your son, push yourself to be stronger.

 

Love hurts but you will be much stronger and wiser in the end.

 

You are not alone. We have been there. There IS light at the end of the tunnel. Some tunnels are longer than others but there is light at the end.

[keiji]

What really helped me move on faster and recover is TAKING the ex of that pedestal. We usually focus on all the great things with the ex rather than the actual reality. Once we look at the real deal we start seeing things for what they are, rather than what we want them to be.

 

This is exactly what I did too. I spent some time just seeing the good things, and certainly aggrandizing them, and little by little everything just fell into place. Actually, like a month ago I told her I didn't want us to be friends. "We're emotionally very different", I told her. It's probably not the right wording, my opinion of her is quite worse than that, but I don't want to part ways forever with a feeling of bitterness. She wouldn't feel it anyway.

 

Today is one of those days when I miss her, but they're becoming rarer and rarer. There's not much positives to hold on to. And it's good.

 

Keep going!

[offwithhishead]

Hate to be the negative nancy here but how much of your healing is due to the fact that you found someone new? I'm not saying your new relationship is a rebound. Not at all.

 

But not all of us have the luck or circumstance to find a new meaningful relationship so quickly after a breakup. It could be a long time before we find someone else worth pursuing a relationship with. In this case, does no contact and time really help?

[LD1990]

Hate to be the negative nancy here but how much of your healing is due to the fact that you found someone new? I'm not saying your new relationship is a rebound. Not at all.

 

But not all of us have the luck or circumstance to find a new meaningful relationship so quickly after a breakup. It could be a long time before we find someone else worth pursuing a relationship with. In this case, does no contact and time really help?

 

Yes, it still really helps. I'm single, been broken up with my ex for 4 months, and I feel pretty damn happy with where I'm at right now. My ex has tried to text and call me and I didn't respond to either.

 

You don't need someone else to be happy.

[kztar]

Hate to be the negative nancy here but how much of your healing is due to the fact that you found someone new? I'm not saying your new relationship is a rebound. Not at all.

 

But not all of us have the luck or circumstance to find a new meaningful relationship so quickly after a breakup. It could be a long time before we find someone else worth pursuing a relationship with. In this case, does no contact and time really help?

 

I am NOT in a new relationship. I like this person but not in a relationship. We have been talking for a dew weeks.

 

You will have to learn how to be OKAY alone before you can even consider going out there to the dating world again. This guy might not even turn into a relationship but you know what, I am okay with that.

 

No contact will help. Believe me, but you have to go through the initial stages of pain to learn and GROW from it. Once you go through this pain, if you've been the one dumped, you will recover much slower than the dumper, however much stronger.

 

As mentioned before, there is no time frame or limit to get over a breakup. We are all different but if you continue to contact and dig for updates on the ex, you WILL not move forward. It will keep setting you back.

[kztar]

Yes, it still really helps. I'm single, been broken up with my ex for 4 months, and I feel pretty damn happy with where I'm at right now. My ex has tried to text and call me and I didn't respond to either.

 

You don't need someone else to be happy.

 

Hey LD,

 

It's funny how one day we are crying and begging and then you wake up to your own reality and realize.

 

Single doesn't mean unhappy. I rather be single any day any time than to have someone who is mistreating me or not meeting my needs the way I would like.

 

So cheers to us.

[NIGHT1985]

I guess its difference when "you're" the one that screwed up in the relationship, it's hard to make her look bad when I'm the one that made the majority of the mistakes. So, I'm suffering with guilt and regret. I'll eventually be better, but everyday is a struggle

[LD1990]

Hey LD,

 

It's funny how one day we are crying and begging and then you wake up to your own reality and realize.

 

Single doesn't mean unhappy. I rather be single any day any time than to have someone who is mistreating me or not meeting my needs the way I would like.

 

So cheers to us.

 

I'll drink to that! Yeah, it's amazing how emotions can cause us to act so differently, but breakups are certainly valuable learning experiences.

[kztar]

I guess its difference when "you're" the one that screwed up in the relationship, it's hard to make her look bad when I'm the one that made the majority of the mistakes. So, I'm suffering with guilt and regret. I'll eventually be better, but everyday is a struggle

 

I believe it will get better. My advice to you is to learn not to make those mistakes again. The dumpee goes through so many emotions during the breakup and im sure the dumper as well, but believe me the dumpee gets double hits.

 

When the dumpee recovers after ALL of that, for the most part there is no way they'll even consider risking going through anything like this with the same person all over again.

 

Good luck and im sure you will move forward.

[gaig]

Lucky you

 

wrote a letter. (Never do this). I lost 15 pounds.

 

But why did you say that?

[whatnot]

I guess its difference when "you're" the one that screwed up in the relationship, it's hard to make her look bad when I'm the one that made the majority of the mistakes. So, I'm suffering with guilt and regret. I'll eventually be better, but everyday is a struggle

 

Hey Night....

 

Back off man. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one buddy. A few weeks, someone mentioned 16 or something? Doesn't matter...its still miraculously (?) (...and, btw, congratulations to the OP ) quick for one of the most difficult challenges we as human beings will ever have to overcome in a lifetime. For alot of us...at this stage...we can still be in a state of denial and shock at this point. You understand that a state of shock is a physical, biological altering of one's body chemistry, right bro?

 

"I guess the difference is when you're the one that screwed up in the relationship". It's not possible for any of us to never do any thing wrong, especially in the context of human relations. From the time we leave the womb 'till the day we leave this earth, Night, we are all making mistakes...committing wrongs. It's the nature of the beast and you're no different. There is so much more that goes into relations going wrong than just one thing. Much more than one person doing or not doing one thing correctly or incorrectly.

 

There are also many, many, many different variables and ingredients that plays roles in the length of time it can take one to recover from the break down of extremely important (the most important) relationships that we have with other human beings. Way to many to even begin to list. This is precisely why it's such an extremely personal and individualized journey for us. No two human beings are alike. And no two human relationships are alike.

 

Hang in there brother. Do not compare yourself to others (me or anyone else). We do enough of that as it is. And it's really important to not do that when we're healing from broken heartedness.

 

You're right on schedule. Hang tough Night.

Edited June 13, 2016 by whatnot

[kztar]

Lucky you

 

 

 

But why did you say that?

 

Because it's pointless. The dumper looks at you like you are an idiot for doing all these things. I refuse to look that again. You are there expressing your feelings and the dumper is like WHATEVER to your letter.

[kztar]

Hey Night....

 

Back off man. You're just gonna have to trust me on this one buddy. A few weeks, someone mentioned 16 or something? Doesn't matter...its still miraculously (?) (...and, btw, congratulations to the OP ) quick for one of the most difficult challenges we as human beings will ever have to overcome in a lifetime. For alot of us...at this stage...we can still be in a state of denial and shock at this point. You understand that a state of shock is a physical, biological altering of one's body chemistry, right bro?

 

"I guess the difference is when you're the one that screwed up in the relationship". It's not possible for any of us to never do any thing wrong, especially in the context of human relations. From the time we leave the womb 'till the day we leave this earth, Night, we are all making mistakes...committing wrongs. It's the nature of the beast and you're no different. There is so much more that goes into relations going wrong than just one thing. Much more than one person doing or not doing one thing correctly or incorrectly.

 

There are also many, many, many different variables and ingredients that plays roles in the length of time it can take one to recover from the break down of extremely important (the most important) relationships that we have with other human beings. Way to many to even begin to list. This is precisely why it's such an extremely personal and individualized journey for us. No two human beings are alike. And no two human relationships are alike.

 

Hang in there brother. Do not compare yourself to others (me or anyone else). We do enough of that as it is. And it's really important to not do that when we're healing from broken heartedness.

 

You're right on schedule. Hang tough Night.

 

Very well said whatnot.

[Iamlostin]

OMG love this ! Such a great thread ? Where can I find more ?!

[offwithhishead]

I think that even if the breakup was largely your fault, if it was the right person for you and if that person truly cared for you, they would find it in themselves to forgive you.

 

I'm speaking from my own experience and perspective. I messed up my relationship only to realize it too late. I did all I could to win her back and I truly believe my ex believed in my sincerity but as they say, you will only hurt yourself repairing broken glass. You guys broke up for a reason.

 

As for what that reason is, it's most likely because your ex just doesn't feel as strongly for you. If she did, she'd find a way to forgive you. If she were truly the right person, I feel like they could find a way to give you a second chance. The fact that she won't tells that she just didn't feel that way about you in the first place.

 

The above is what I think to comfort myself in the dark hours of loneliness and despair.

[kztar]

OMG love this ! Such a great thread ? Where can I find more ?!

 

There's more all over here. post your story