Depression, confusion, guilt, fear and remorse.

[Jonobo]

Hi everyone,

 

As everyone knows, life is not easy, everyone always wishes a busy simple life, full of constant happiness and success on every aspect of their lives where everything goes right and it always seems to be this way until the tipping point. Life is a never ending battle that is worth fighting for, but how to decided what and who to fight for?

 

My name is Jonathan, I am a 29year old french professional circus performer who has constantly been in search for myself, constantly trying to know and accept the person that I truly am. I made it a rule for myself that I would always, trust my feelings and make the choices that come from my heart instead of my brain as this big organ can get really tricky and mess you up very quickly. I changed my life, moved to the other side of the planet leaving my whole family and friends to pursue my dreams of being a professional circus performer.

 

In the process I met this wonderfull talented contortionist who I spent 5years of my life with. There has been no sparks of any sorts, we simply started dating and living together and everything was running just fine without any major bump for the next 4.5 years even though she was absolutely not the "type" of women I am usually interest in. This girl is probably the kindest, most passionate person I have been with, very simple, no drama of any sort,good family, always understanding and always been here for me and support me through anything, she gave absolutely everything but something has always been missing for me.

 

Over the past 5months i have slowly lost feelings for her, she was slowly becoming a stranger to me, I didn't feel like I wanted to be there for her, even though she hadn't changed in the slightest, my work wasn't going so well, I fell flat and that I was failing at pursuing my dreams, I was very unhappy, unable to love her or even kiss her it was eating me with guilt for not knowing why this would be happening, I was making her suffer from my coldness and couldn't handle seeing her this way because of me anymore and as hard as it was, knowing that she was about to propose to me, I decided to end things between us which she was one more time, incredibly understanding about even though I broke her heart.

 

 

Many things happened since, I met an other circus performer who was willing to change her entire life to work with me as circus partners which was all I always dreamed off, my life changed within a week I was the happiest man on the planet finding myself again as a performer, feeling strong, confident and empowered, feeling like I could achieve anything, be one of the best and ready to scarify anything for my work and passion which is something I have never felt before. One month of dreams, seing a way out and this person, due to her very heavy past that definitely affected me, crushed it all and left me, setting me back an other 1000step as a person and a performer.

 

From that point I reached out to my ex lover, which was a very hard decision to make and asked for help as she was the only one knowing me so well and one more time she was here for me. She directed me towards a doctor as she had anxiety issues and is still dealing with it and I got diagnosed with heavy depression and anxiety issue which according to the doctor could have affected way more than I realise and was most likely present for way longer than I realised which could have been a factor of making that decision to end it with my beloved ex girlfriend.

 

She is now slowly getting back onto her feet, is dating someone even though she recently told me twice that she is still in love with me. I am now completely unable to decide or make up my mind on what to do, what do I need, what do I want ? I am scared of having lost her for the wrong reasons and am filled with fear and guilt for maybe missing out of a beautiful future with her but is it a selfish fear or legitimate one ? What if I decide that I made the worst mistake, I would hate myself for ever if in the end it is not what I really want. I am currently on medication which helps me think a bit clearer and am forcing myself to remember the good times we had together but I am unable to remember most of them even though i know they were plenty.

 

I used to be the most positive person, doesn't matter what, always seing the good in the worst and now, not knowing what happened I have now accepted that I am going though mental issues that I have to fight, talk about, and force myself to do whatever it takes to slowly get back onto my feet and seek help( writing to you guys is part of the process ).

 

Thank you in advance for taking the time to consider my story ( believe it or not that I have tried to keep as short as possible )

 

Kind regards.

 

Jon

[gaig]

You don't need to remember the good times you had with her. If you are ever together again, you will be starting a new relationship, not continuing the old one.

 

But..do you hold any feelings for her? Do you believe you can love her again??

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi OP,

 

You mentioned there were never any sparks of any kind with your ex-girlfriend - do you mean you never felt that physical chemistry, that passionate excitement about being with her?

 

If so, then I would venture to guess that you were never really in love with her and thus could only keep up appearances for so long. That is why I think you eventually couldn't be with her anymore, not because of underlying problems with depression. We can care very much about someone but not be romantically attracted to them. That's what I sense happened in your case.

 

I think you need to spend time on your own, being single, without relying on your ex to pull you through. That's not fair to her. She is trying to move on from you and you are turning to her because some other woman broke your heart? Don't do that.

 

You aren't accustomed to being a single man so of course you went looking for comfort from someone who's always been there to offer it. But when you end a relationship, you forfeit your access to that person as your shoulder to cry on. But you need to get yourself to a healthy emotional place again so you can be truly ready to engage in a relationship when that time comes. In the meantime, don't try to reconcile. You're not ready for it yet.

[jofor]

It was encouraging to hear that you went for professional help, sounds like thats a good start. I am wondering though what you mean by following your heart and not your brain? I dont feel like we can trust our emotions. Even though I consider myself an artist and personally love to express myself and my emotions, they have to be under the control of our brains. I guess what I mean is we have both capabilities emotion and logical reasoning one of these really needs to be the master. Not a tyrant but a master none the less.

So with that said ( all though not very well ) Sounds to me that the healthiest place for you is not to be dating. Seek out people, possibly your family, who know you and love you. Dont fall into another realtionship- follow your head seek advice from those who really could offer sound advice.