IslandDude Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Went out with a girl from OLD tonight. Just a super casual meetup. We grabbed some drinks, walked around a lake and talked, then ended up grabbing some pizza. The whole thing went really well and we had no problem with conversation, laughing, etc. but it seemed more like good friends hanging out than anything with dating potential. At the end of the evening we walked to her house and the girl actually thanked me and said she didn't really think we had any chemistry so no need to continue anything. This was pretty refreshing and I was basically feeling the same way at the time so no issues there. I'm just wondering if there's something I should be doing different or if sometimes there just isn't any spark. This is basically the third girl this has happened with (although the other two weren't as honest with me at first). I feel like I have great conversation skills down but maybe I'm lacking in the chemistry skill? Is that a thing? Just trying to figure out if this is something I can work on or if it's just something that either clicks or it doesn't. For the most part I'm not feeling chemistry with them either so I'm not sure if it's something that can be fixed.
neowulf Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Just trying to figure out if this is something I can work on or if it's just something that either clicks or it doesn't. For the most part I'm not feeling chemistry with them either so I'm not sure if it's something that can be fixed. When things click, they click man. When they don't, they don't. Honestly, in the situation you've described, where I've had a pretty positive first date, I almost always go for a second before passing judgement. If you get to the end of the second date, kiss her. If you don't feel the urge to kiss her? Well, you've got your answer. If you kiss her and feel nothing? Same deal. Try to kiss her and she pulls away? Same deal. There's a reason finding someone is tricky man. Falling in love isn't like applying for a job. 1
Author IslandDude Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 Yeah totally agree... I'm just a little puzzled because these first meets aren't even like real dates where there is a lot to be expected and we end up having fun and getting along. At least most of the time I'm willing to see how things go on a real date if we got along well but I guess the girls aren't willing to go past the meet up without a spark. Just not sure if there's anything I could do to spark up a casual meet.
joseb Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Did you feel attracted to the women at all? If not, then there is nothing to do, just say thanks. 1
neowulf Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Just not sure if there's anything I could do to spark up a casual meet. How's your flirting? Seriously? Like.. do you flirt with these women? Or just treat them like friends. Because a big part of that "chemistry" is flirting with the woman, making her feel sexy and desired. If you're treating them as a friend first up, you'll find the energy of the connection very different. Then we come back to "well, if you're not really feeling the urge to flirt, there's not much chemistry". 3
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) You can't create or manufacture chemistry. It is either there or not -- it's an energy, a vibe. It is actually very rare when it happens, so no there is nothing wrong with you. I post this story a lot but many years ago, I read about a guy on POF who was looking for "the one" and he would know it immediately when he met her. He met 80 women, NO CHEMISTRY. With any of them. Very nice women, attractive, had some laughs, but like your experience with this girl (and others) no chemistry. He just kept going though, and guess what? 81st women, CLICK! They got married a year later..... True story! Edited June 13, 2016 by katiegrl 1
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) its in the head of females, a few males claim it exists, but mostly females. there's a lot of good guys who will never create this so called chemistry with a female and they may end up as 50 year old virgins First off, I just said chemistry cannot be "created". Second, the story I posted was about a man... dude. Not a woman. Sad that you think guys aren't self-aware enough ... or in touch enough with their own feelings to feel it or recognize it ..... or even admit it exists! Read this board, many many MEN believe in it.. If you don't fine. I find that sad but whatevs your life. Edited June 13, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Toodaloo Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 There are plenty of perfectly datable, lovely people out there... The thing is to find one for you. If the sparkle isn't there it just isn't there. I have actually developed a few really great friends from non sparkle dates... I see it as positive. Because they are great people just not a date for me. Don't worry its not anything you have done "wrong" or been "bad" at. It just is. Just like grass is grass and trees are trees. Sometimes its just that way.
Author IslandDude Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 Okay. So it sounds like it's hopefully not something I have a lot of control over. As far as flirting that somebody asked about, that's one of the things I was wondering. I mean at a first meeting I am not flirting much at all right off the bat because I have never met this person before. All of the girls I have had chemistry with before are ones that I saw more often prior to a date such as friends of friends, coworkers, classmates, etc. where we had time to develop the chemistry a little. I feel like with the OLD meets its like you have to have it within 5 seconds or you're out.
No_Go Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 In contrast to what most of the others said, I think the lack of chemistry is on you. Especially after I read your response below. IMO 'chemistry' is 5% 'magic' and 95% learned behavioral pattern that is easy to create / re-create with different people. People that we feel the strongest 'chemistry' with usually just know how to pay this game better. The 'anti-chemistry' mode is the way how you interact with relatives, old friends, coworkers. Gender-neutral behavior, no prolonged eye-contact, no touching, small talk topics, jokes, AND no sign you're attracted to her. I personally felt NO chemistry with guys behaving that way, even if they're great in looks & paper credentials. Guys HAVE control over chemistry - I think showing confidence + acting attracted to her will create the 'chemistry' for vast majority of women AND reciprocally in the guy himself. I know that's not the most 'romantic' way to look at it but ... may help avoiding frustrations. Okay. So it sounds like it's hopefully not something I have a lot of control over. As far as flirting that somebody asked about, that's one of the things I was wondering. I mean at a first meeting I am not flirting much at all right off the bat because I have never met this person before. All of the girls I have had chemistry with before are ones that I saw more often prior to a date such as friends of friends, coworkers, classmates, etc. where we had time to develop the chemistry a little. I feel like with the OLD meets its like you have to have it within 5 seconds or you're out. 2
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Guys HAVE control over chemistry - I think showing confidence + acting attracted to her will create the 'chemistry' for vast majority of women AND reciprocally in the guy himself. Showing confidence and feeling attracted to her creates chemistry...... The feeling comes first, then then the action. Which will come naturally... and should for the woman too. There is nothing worse than a guy putting on a false act in the hopes of manufacturing fake chemistry.... to get a sex or whatever else is on his agenda. Genuine chemistry is a energy generating between both both people.... it's either there or not. OP said he doesn't feel much, if any, attraction for these women. Neither do they. Fine, you had fun but nothing there. Move on Do not fake it.... it won't work and you will look either like a player or a guy who simply wants to rack up dates. 1
smackie9 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Chemistry only happens organically. You can't control it or create it....it just happens.
Jabron1 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Went out with a girl from OLD tonight. Just a super casual meetup. We grabbed some drinks, walked around a lake and talked, then ended up grabbing some pizza. The whole thing went really well and we had no problem with conversation, laughing, etc. but it seemed more like good friends hanging out than anything with dating potential. At the end of the evening we walked to her house and the girl actually thanked me and said she didn't really think we had any chemistry so no need to continue anything. This was pretty refreshing and I was basically feeling the same way at the time so no issues there. I'm just wondering if there's something I should be doing different or if sometimes there just isn't any spark. This is basically the third girl this has happened with (although the other two weren't as honest with me at first). I feel like I have great conversation skills down but maybe I'm lacking in the chemistry skill? Is that a thing? Just trying to figure out if this is something I can work on or if it's just something that either clicks or it doesn't. For the most part I'm not feeling chemistry with them either so I'm not sure if it's something that can be fixed. I seriously just don't get this. I have seen this a few times recently, and I just don't understand. Could you explain it? Because I'm not relating to this at all. You are a man. You know whether or not you want to bang her in seconds. It doesn't take 3 dates, and a "spark". You are not a woman. I seriously don't understand this, and probably never will. Yes, I believe in chemistry. I believe we have a certain chemistry that happens between people naturally. But this is just getting silly now. 1
deadparrot Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Honestly, I'd be more worried if you were falling for every girl you met on the first date. Chemistry can be a rare thing, but when it happens, you'll know it's something special. Over 7 years of OLD, I think I met two guys who I felt real, instantaneous chemistry with--my ex and my current boyfriend. There were a handful of others where I thought there might be something, but they all obviously fizzled out. 1
bu2002 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 1. Are you even sexually attracted to these women? If you're not, your desire to flirt with them dwindles and there won't be chemistry. Chemistry isn't just being able to talk to someone for an hour. You can do that with dang near anyone with basic conversation skills. 2. You have to flirt. It creates a positive vibe, loosens up of the setting and sets the stage for further inside jokes between the two of you. If the whole date is a job interview, that's a romance killer. It will also bring out a side of her personality you will find more attractive. 3. How do you flirt? Get playful with her. Playful accusations are great. Use hyperbole Poke fun or tease her in the right moments. 4. A healthy balance between serious and playful conversation will go a long way.
WhirlwindGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I just got broken up with yesterday for "lack of chemistry" We had been going out around 5 weeks and spent a ton of time together, had sex on the second date...had pretty crazy porn star sex a few times. Went on some awesome dates together and got a long great. She told me that she just didn't feel like that romantic spark was there, that it felt more like friends. This was after spending a weekend together the week prior and having a blast. She even said that she loved spending time with me, it felt so good and was so much fun. We generally just really enjoyed hanging out. We would just go to dive bars, put the juke box on and drink cheap beer and dance. Sometimes the only two people in the place...it was really truly amazing, at least for me. She acted as if she was enjoying it too, it felt good. I asked if it was an attraction thing, she said no, I asked if there was someone else, she said no. We went from having breakfast, going for a walk, talking about our week and what we were going to do, having sex...to in the middle of sex her stopping me, pulling me close to her to put my arm around her, and her telling me that the chemistry was missing and she didn't feel like she could get there romantically. game over... I SOOOOO wish she would / could have said this on the first date, or even a date or two in...but I don't get it either.
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Okay. So it sounds like it's hopefully not something I have a lot of control over. As far as flirting that somebody asked about, that's one of the things I was wondering. I mean at a first meeting I am not flirting much at all right off the bat because I have never met this person before. All of the girls I have had chemistry with before are ones that I saw more often prior to a date such as friends of friends, coworkers, classmates, etc. where we had time to develop the chemistry a little. I feel like with the OLD meets its like you have to have it within 5 seconds or you're out. Right, if it's an online date..it's good to keep it light and friendly with very little flirtations. It's really just a 'first meet" to determine if you get along, had a good time, and do it again. It's the second date I would start making some kind of romantic move if you feel the urge to so. Throw out some flirtatious banter, touches, etc. See how she responds. If she doesn't lean towards into your personal bubble the entire duration, you know it's not a love connection. Some players insist on going in for a kiss on the first date, but that's highly debatable. You're right that you seem better off by meeting people organically that chemistry sparks better that way (through friends, social activities, etc.) But a cold turkey, online date...you need to give it some extra dates as you're two total strangers JUST meeting. We had been going out around 5 weeks and spent a ton of time together, had sex on the second date...had pretty crazy porn star sex a few times. Went on some awesome dates together and got a long great. She told me that she just didn't feel like that romantic spark was there, that it felt more like friends. That's because you spoiled it by having sex on the 2nd date.
WhirlwindGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 That's because you spoiled it by having sex on the 2nd date. That is my thought too, although she really was the one who pursued it. We spent the night together, didn't have sex that night, but then woke up early and she was all over me naked most of the day...we did everything but sex for hours until finally I reached for a condom...she hesitated, then gave in. Then she blamed me for being persistent on having sex so early... I agree though, I even told her that...we blew it by moving too fast apparently.
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 That is my thought too, although she really was the one who pursued it. We spent the night together, didn't have sex that night, but then woke up early and she was all over me naked most of the day...we did everything but sex for hours until finally I reached for a condom...she hesitated, then gave in. Then she blamed me for being persistent on having sex so early... I agree though, I even told her that...we blew it by moving too fast apparently. What's funny is, your experience completely counters Jabron's dating methods. lol He's saying, "Dude, you know within' seconds that you want to bang her." You did it on a 2nd date with this woman and STILL, she "friend zoned" you. This is why I prefer to give it some time. Some people on here tend to want itch scratched ASAP. lol
WhirlwindGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 What's funny is, your experience completely counters Jabron's dating methods. lol He's saying, "Dude, you know within' seconds that you want to bang her." You did it on a 2nd date with this woman and STILL, she "friend zoned" you. This is why I prefer to give it some time. Some people on here tend to want itch scratched ASAP. lol I really didn't get that dynamic either. I wasn't planning on spending the night that second night, she asked me to. I slept in my jeans and shirt...she got naked and was basically dry humping me for hours, but at the same time telling me no sex. She then got my pants off, did everything under the sun, no sex...I was trying not to move too fast, didnt want something like this to happen...but i can only take so much... Then we had 5 more really good weeks, spent a ton of time together, then...nope, no chemistry...bye... FML...
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 I really didn't get that dynamic either. I wasn't planning on spending the night that second night, she asked me to. Just because someone asks you to do something, you do it?
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) 1. Are you even sexually attracted to these women? If you're not, your desire to flirt with them dwindles and there won't be chemistry. Chemistry isn't just being able to talk to someone for an hour. You can do that with dang near anyone with basic conversation skills. 2. You have to flirt. It creates a positive vibe, loosens up of the setting and sets the stage for further inside jokes between the two of you. If the whole date is a job interview, that's a romance killer. It will also bring out a side of her personality you will find more attractive. 3. How do you flirt? Get playful with her. Playful accusations are great. Use hyperbole Poke fun or tease her in the right moments. 4. A healthy balance between serious and playful conversation will go a long way. Bolded -- this all comes naturally when two people click. Flirting shouldn't be forced.... it ends up looking fake and disingenuous. Many guys are guilty of this and they end up looking like players only wanting sex.... or guys who are trying too hard. RELAX. Be yourself. If you feel an attraction, then yes by all means FLIRT. Banter, tease her, women love that! If she is feeling it too.... then she will be playful and banter and tease back. Again, it should all flow naturally and easily when the attraction (beyond the physical and wanting to b*ng her) is real and genuine. THAT is chemistry. Edited June 13, 2016 by katiegrl
WhirlwindGuy Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Just because someone asks you to do something, you do it? Drinks, past 3AM, "chemistry", so yea...It was hard to say no when a really pretty girl that you are completely vibing with cutely asks you to spend the night with her. In hindsight, I should have been a gentleman and perhaps I wouldn't be sitting here holding the bag today.
LookAtThisPOst Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Drinks, past 3AM, "chemistry", so yea...It was hard to say no when a really pretty girl that you are completely vibing with cutely asks you to spend the night with her. In hindsight, I should have been a gentleman and perhaps I wouldn't be sitting here holding the bag today. I've turned down offers like that. Simply because if they do, that means they've got a petri dish of men down below the belt. I had a woman that smelled of Vodka that tried to do the same. I refused.
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 But a cold turkey, online date...you need to give it some extra dates as you're two total strangers JUST meeting. I agree, but the OP's date killed that by announcing there was nothing there and best they go separate ways. What does a guy do in that case? Try to convince her to go on a second date? Please no. At the end of the evening we walked to her house and the girl actually thanked me and said she didn't really think we had any chemistry so no need to continue anything. This was pretty refreshing and I was basically feeling the same way at the time so no issues there..
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