PinkCarnations Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) I used to date this guy I met from online dating, but I had to end it because I found out he was seeing a couple other chicks while he was dating me (even after we established exclusivity). Basically he was a huge player, and after things ended, we never had contact again. To be honest, even though he was a jerk to me, I secretly wished I could run into him and show him how good I look now. over time I got over him and started dating other people. Randomly out of the blue he contacted me again. He asked to speak over the phone and I said sure. Basically he said he changed. He wasn't in the right mindset at the time he dated me but now he is. He's "turning over a new leaf" and he wants to start over. He said we made a really great team, and he wants to take me to dinner. Anyways I enjoyed the self gratification from him contacting me to tell me all this. It's almost like a dream come true. However, even though I'm still physically attracted to him, I know I'm okay not having him in my life. Our relationship is too tainted. I'm fine being cordial and on good terms with him though. Should I meet him for dinner? I don't really trust him and I'm afraid this is just another scheme of his bc he ran out of girls to hook up with. At the same time, I want to show up just to fulfill my fantasy of showing him what he missed out on (I.e. Look really good). It sounds shallow but I think everyone can admit to fantasizing about seeing their ex in this type of scenario? Is satisfying my ego worth the risk of falling for one of his schemes? Edited June 13, 2016 by PinkCarnations 1
Breakupblues Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 ... If you are fine with him not being in your life, why do you care? Don't get me wrong, we all need our ego stroked at times, but if he is a person you don't care about or have feelings for, I'd think nothing good or beneficial could come from it. 2
Author PinkCarnations Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 The fact that you are sitting here trying to convince yourself to go to dinner with a guy who cheated on you shows that he has the upper hand. You will get played. Stay home. The best "revenge" on an ex, to show them what they missed out on, is to live well. Look good, find a good man, get a good job, whatever. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen. Be a good woman who can hold a relationship down. Those are more rare. Those are the women that men wish they had. hmm yeah maybe you're right. He did cheat on me, and I prob shouldn't even have picked up his call. I only dated him for a brief time so his cheating didn't affect me too much. Maybe that's why I'm approaching this so casually. Maybe it's best to not meet him at all. 1
Author PinkCarnations Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 If you are fine with him not being in your life, why do you care? Don't get me wrong, we all need our ego stroked at times, but if he is a person you don't care about or have feelings for, I'd think nothing good or beneficial could come from it. The problem is I do have an attraction towards him. They're not as strong as before but I did like him a lot at one point. For a long time after the breakup I kept fantasizing about seeing him again. and now I've been given the opportunity. Which is what makes this tricky... On the other hand I've lived without his contact for 6 months so not seeing him is okay as well. 2
Toodaloo Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 No. He is a player who has now run out of options and is rehashing old ones. Do not meet him, do not bother with him. Just say sorry can't be bothered - I moved on ages ago and I actually have no wish or need to see you to discuss old news. Thanks for getting in touch but I am not interested. Then walk away. You are actually doing better WITHOUT him in your life so keep him out. 6
Emilia Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 How you are feeling OP is very common, however there are several issues with this, some you really need to watch out for. One is what seems to be the tendency to work hard for men who don't want you. This will pretty much set you up for romantic failures in your life. It's exactly the same camp as the people who say 'they enjoy a challenge'. Means you were raised in a way that has made you continuously seek approval from people that don't want to/can't give it. You can see why this would make you unhappy long term. Another is the issue of external validation: you are giving away power to the other person about how you feel about yourself. Everyone wants to be appreciated by people they desire, whether it's the opposite or the same sex. Completely normal. However, it is something you need to have control over otherwise your life will be about seeking approval. That's pretty needy. Looking needy is VERY unattractive. The thing is, the behaviour you are describing (wanting to prove yourself to someone who treated you badly in the past) is a turn off for men who seek healthy relationships. 1
4x4storm Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Tbh it sounds like he has you wrapped around his little finger. You sit here and complain how he cheated on you but then say "hmm what happens if he tricks me again". Ahhh why would you even let him? Now I could be totally wrong but I do exactly the same thing when i'm horny and out of options. I think to myself hmm I know i'll call that girl she should be easy. 1
urmysong Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Big NO...if no cheating involve then I am ok with that. PERHAPS he is testing You. 1
hippychick3 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 The fact that you'd be willing to meet up with him after the way he treated you will reflect so poorly on you that it will outweigh any positive effects from your "good looks". Keep your dignity and stay away. 2
Satu Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Don't allow people like this to have any place in your life. Populate your life with people who value you, and treat you well. Take care. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 (edited) no you shouldnt meet him and as far as revenge goes ...i dont believe in it or that it in anyway helps you move on....not actually going through with it..it is said you must dig two graves...one for you, if you seek revenge...and i believe that to be true.....i have fantasized in my head a few times...ok more than a few times.... about chaining people to ceiling fans and hitting fast when they do wrong by me...i never do it though..i get a chuckle from the image and after that i move on..... theres no use in you showing him how good you look now.....for you dont care for him really and he doesnt care for you....as satu said...surround yourself with people who value you...save your good lookin self...for a guy who really cares for you.... have dinner with that guy...and look your best then not for some guy who cheated on you and went behind your back to do so........best wishes....deb Edited June 13, 2016 by todreaminblue
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 You have got yourself to a place where you feel you look good and you feel good about yourself. What happens if he again rejects you, goes "Meh" to the new improved you or keeps you on the back burner whilst he is again chasing other women? You have already identified he is a huge player, stay away - no good will come of this. 1
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 The problem is I do have an attraction towards him. They're not as strong as before but I did like him a lot at one point. For a long time after the breakup I kept fantasizing about seeing him again. and now I've been given the opportunity. Which is what makes this tricky... On the other hand I've lived without his contact for 6 months so not seeing him is okay as well. The best scenario would be so say "thanks but no thanks", but then accidentally run into him somewhere so he can see how great you look!
kendahke Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Why do you need an excuse from us to have dinner with him? It's clear by what you've written that you've never gotten over him, so yeah--go on and have dinner with him. Let him see how good you look and then after that, don't be surprised if you find yourself in the same cesspool you climbed out of years ago because he really hasn't turned over any leaf---he's just out of new options and is reaching backwards to see if you've still got the hook in your cheek. 2
Author PinkCarnations Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 The best scenario would be so say "thanks but no thanks", but then accidentally run into him somewhere so he can see how great you look! Running into him would be the ideal scenario, but since I met him online we don't have mutual friends and are not connected whatsoever on social media (plus none of my accounts are public). Thus meeting him in person is the only time I'll ever see him again. Anyways maybe satisfying my ego just isn't worth giving him the victory of winning me over again. After reading these replies, it's prob best I decline his invite.
Author PinkCarnations Posted June 13, 2016 Author Posted June 13, 2016 Why do you need an excuse from us to have dinner with him? It's clear by what you've written that you've never gotten over him, so yeah--go on and have dinner with him. Let him see how good you look and then after that, don't be surprised if you find yourself in the same cesspool you climbed out of years ago because he really hasn't turned over any leaf---he's just out of new options and is reaching backwards to see if you've still got the hook in your cheek. Lol I mean it wasn't years ago. We dated a few months back. I think if he was once a significant person in my life (i.e., serious relationship), I would prob not engage him at all. But he was some guy I dated briefly who turned out to be a player, and I guess I'm attracted to him and I'm curious to see if he really did change his ways.
katiegrl Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 Lol I mean it wasn't years ago. We dated a few months back. I think if he was once a significant person in my life (i.e., serious relationship), I would prob not engage him at all. But he was some guy I dated briefly who turned out to be a player, and I guess I'm attracted to him and I'm curious to see if he really did change his ways. Guys don't go from being "players" to wanting a healthy, exclusive RL within a few months. He's dry at the moment, was thinking of you, sent you a text and called to see if you would bite. That's my take. Proceed with extreme caution! 1
bathtub-row Posted June 13, 2016 Posted June 13, 2016 You'd never trust the guy again, even if he does mean what he says. But I can pretty much bet you it's just another game. He already thinks he's got you where he wants you simply because you were agreeable to talking to him. Next time you talk to him, just say you've given it some thought and you'd rather not meet with him. End of story. 1
No_Go Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Hell no! It won't satisfy your ego. In his perspective, you'd appear desperate for attention and a bit of a push over. Sorry for being harsh, but I bet money that's exactly what he'll see, not your good looks (he thinks you're f*ckable enough to invite you on a 'date' but not to have a RL with you... You deserve much better than that!) Running into him would be the ideal scenario, but since I met him online we don't have mutual friends and are not connected whatsoever on social media (plus none of my accounts are public). Thus meeting him in person is the only time I'll ever see him again. Anyways maybe satisfying my ego just isn't worth giving him the victory of winning me over again. After reading these replies, it's prob best I decline his invite.
phineas Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 The problem is I do have an attraction towards him. They're not as strong as before but I did like him a lot at one point. For a long time after the breakup I kept fantasizing about seeing him again. and now I've been given the opportunity. Which is what makes this tricky... On the other hand I've lived without his contact for 6 months so not seeing him is okay as well. I assume you found the way & got in shape? Yeah, I did that also about 4yrs ago. Yeah, just about every chick that jerked me around when i wasn't in shape all of sudden were interested in me. Yeah, I enjoyed letting them work for me but those women just were not worth anything more than a good time in bed. So if you want, use the guy for some fun, and a few other "players" then drop him/them. Then realize you're over it & find decent people to date.
Author PinkCarnations Posted June 14, 2016 Author Posted June 14, 2016 I assume you found the way & got in shape? Yeah, I did that also about 4yrs ago. Yeah, just about every chick that jerked me around when i wasn't in shape all of sudden were interested in me. Yeah, I enjoyed letting them work for me but those women just were not worth anything more than a good time in bed. So if you want, use the guy for some fun, and a few other "players" then drop him/them. Then realize you're over it & find decent people to date. Basically, this would be my plan. No, I haven't lost any weight since I last saw him but I definitely have my life together more now as in I'm working out everday, killin' it at work, have an awesome apartment, and have everything on track. Before, I wouldn't say I was any less successful, just have my life more in order now and mostly just a lot more confident with myself. The reason I'm even considering this is because the same thing happened to another ex of mine (he cheated on me and years later told me I was the one that got away). I still keep in touch with that ex but keep him at a distance. It just feels good to be on good terms with people I've dated and move on from the past? I have no plans on having anything beyond friendship with this guy and I'm going to make it clear to him. Thanks everyone for their advice; really appreciated it.
phineas Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 Basically, this would be my plan. No, I haven't lost any weight since I last saw him but I definitely have my life together more now as in I'm working out everday, killin' it at work, have an awesome apartment, and have everything on track. Before, I wouldn't say I was any less successful, just have my life more in order now and mostly just a lot more confident with myself. The reason I'm even considering this is because the same thing happened to another ex of mine (he cheated on me and years later told me I was the one that got away). I still keep in touch with that ex but keep him at a distance. It just feels good to be on good terms with people I've dated and move on from the past? I have no plans on having anything beyond friendship with this guy and I'm going to make it clear to him. Thanks everyone for their advice; really appreciated it. Here is the thing. Women that rejected me before, and now into me because I got in shape? Got zero issue with dating them. Women that led me on ect. they are not good people and should be ejected from life. Period.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted June 14, 2016 Posted June 14, 2016 The people who tell you they have changed are usually the ones that haven't changed. Anyone can tell you that they have changed, they're trying to convince you that they are different and you should trust them and if you don't, you're the one that is missing out due to your mistrust. In other words, if you don't trust them despite the hurt they've caused you, you're now the one that is hard-hearted and crazy. You have every right to distrust him, you have said so yourself. Looking "hot" in front of him will just make him try harder than ever before and the brutal cycle will restart and possibly continue. He probably thinks you'll come running back to him anyway, by contacting him again, he already has some power over you. He isn't worth it. He's not in your radar is he? so leave him out of it. Don't waste your new found hotness on a ex boyfriend that didn't treat you particularly well, however, do lavish it on the guy in your future that deserves it and will treat you well. Lavish your hotness on your own self! continue to feel good about yourself for you! This guy sounds like he definitely does not deserve it nor does he deserve you or your time. Leave him to lick his own wounds. Decline his invitation.
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