Past just haunt me as and when

[unrequitedluv]

In short, my husband cheated me in the past. he had an affair.

 

It ended last year and now he is back with me.

 

However, i found out a few things. He seems to have sex with escort before. twice with a girl i am not sure if there is anymore. He had sex with his mistress too. And I think he probably did get her pregnant.. or maybe not unsure. because i read from their message previously. the girl is married too though. so if there is really a kid dunno if its belong to my hub or her hub. but that doesn't matter because is either aborted or false alarm. god bless the the soul if its aborted a life was killed just like this if so.

 

Somehow I feel I cannot accept him. His past. though is past but i felt i can't. He had been in contact via email with the mistress for several months. and stopped in april when he intended to meet her but didn't which I don't know why. and contacted the escort which he have sex with previously too. for cybersex and all. he stopped in april too on his own accord as I only found out last month May.

 

I found out all these via hacking into his email.

I was shocked and devastated why does he have to do this.

Instead i forgive him and told him i know that he contacted the girls.

told him that if he is serious to reconcile make sure is only us and not involving so many people.

 

he somehow did get my words. I believe and show alot of changes. however, i get very dishearten and especially i think of what he had did.

I felt disgusted.

 

i felt disgusted that he seek escort for pleasure and sex and those text totally give me another image of him whom i never seen before.

 

although sex and mistress is the past. however, i cannot get over it. I want to scold him and know the reason so badly but i kept quiet pretending everyday was ok.

 

the mistress after knowing my husband and I had reconcile had been hinting to want my husband back to meet up and all. I don't know what she wants too because she has a loving husband and just gotten her new flat. my husband didn't log in to the email and did not reply her for quite sometimes. but seems she haven give up. every 2 days been emailing him.

 

I need advise on how to tackle my feeling. If its past and I chose to forgive him and start afresh I should just forgo his past and what he did?

what should i do?

Edited June 13, 2016 by unrequitedluv

[anika99]

I don't understand your timeline or why you keep saying it's all in the past. As I read it he was in contact with escorts and his mistress right up until April of this year and you just found out in May. That's not really the past, that's more like the present. And isn't his past. His past is whatever he did before he married you. Whatever he's done since he married involves you too and therefore his past within the marriage is also your past.

 

What you are doing is called rug sweeping and it's not healthy and it's not conducive to reconciliation. True reconciliation needs to include remorse and total honesty. You should not be walking around with all these unanswered questions in your head. You should be able to ask your husband these questions and he should answer all of your questions 100% truthfully.

 

You also need open and honest communication with one another. He needs to figure out why he turned to cheating as a way to cope so he can learn how to avoid making the same poor choices in the future. You have to express your true feelings. Expressing your pain and anger in a mature way is healthy for you and it's right that he should see the consequences of his actions.

 

If you continue on the way you have been the chances of your husband cheating again are very high. If you keep stuffing your feelings you are likely to become physically or mentally unwell. Your marriage is sick right now and neither of you are taking ant steps to heal it. You're both just pretending everything is fine while your marriage is dying a slow painful death. Either commit yourself to the hard work of restoring your marriage (this is only an option if your husband commits to working on the marriage as well) or put your poor marriage out of its misery and get divorced.